Conservator - HecklerSpray

Britney Spears’ Dad Gets More Money To Look After His Own Child

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As Britney Spears’ conservator, Jamie Spears spends most of his days saying “No Britney, don’t lick the plug socket,” and performing on-the-spot knicker checks.

And how much is that worth? What? You think that Jamie Spears should be doing that for free because, as one of the parents who pushed Britney Spears into showbusiness at the expense of a normal childhood, he’s directly responsible for her recent psychiatric problems?

Don’t be daft. Jamie Spears thinks that looking after Britney Spears is worth $16,000 a month – or $75 an hour. Wow, what we’d give for a mentally ill millionaire daughter! Jamie sure is one lucky guy!

Britney Spears’ Dad To Control Her Stuff Until The End Of Time

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears has it all – like a number one single and a body that doesn’t look like the product of a lifetime devotion to maize snacks.

Except she doesn’t. Britney Spears doesn’t have it all at all – to be more accurate, Britney Spears’ dad has it all. As her conservator, Jamie Spears gets to control all of Britney’s assets until she’s properly recovered from her numerous psychiatric problems. And, thanks to a court hearing yesterday, we know exactly when that date will come.

Never. Britney Spears is never going to be well enough to look after herself, because Jamie Spears has just had his conservatorship extended indefinitely. He’ll only lose control of Britney Spears’ assets when Britney herself requests it to be lifted. But, since filing a legal request requires more than repeating the word ‘womanizer’ 40 times in a row like a nightmarish robot chant, we wouldn’t hold our breath for that to happen any time soon.

Britney Spears Never Learns Vol. 15: A Return to Reality TV

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Why can’t Britney Spears just decide whether or not she’s actually getting better?

There’s no punchline to that, by the way, it’s just a question. Maybe it’s because of her ridiculous legal fees, or maybe it has any other real reason behind it, but Britney Spears is reportedly in talks for another reality show for MTV.

While we’re not so cynical as to deny there may be genuine reasons for the show, we are cynical enough to expect this to be one of the worst decisions she has ever made. Reality shows aren’t exactly the fast-track to normality that Britney seems to think they are, and her reasons of ‘to get me mah kids back’ isn’t exactly the finest of reasons to put yourself on worldwide public display.

While you’re recovering from a mental breakdown. While your dad has to look after you. While you’re trying desperately not to humiliate yourself publicly again. Someone have a word with the girl, please.

Britney Spears: More Needlessly Complicated Legal Stuff

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears might not be medically qualified to feed or dress herself any more but boy, can she ever play largely inactive roles in elaborate legal proceedings surrounding her estate.

You see, there's been a fight between Britney Spears' dad Jamie and a lawyer working for a mystery client about – we think – whether or not Jamie keeps Britney Spears locked in abandoned monkey cage to stop her getting into trouble. And the lawyer had been trying to move Jamie Spears' conservatorship to a federal court to sort it out.

But it's OK, because a judge has denied the move. And that's important news because it, um, has something to do with Britney Spears. Vaguely.

Britney Spears’ Dad To Sack Everyone, Twice

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now that he's got the keys to the Britney Spears treasure chest, Jamie Spears can do whatever the hell he likes.

And, now he's also been granted the power to hire and fire as he pleases, it looks like Britney's business manager Howard Grossman is going to be the first neck on the chopping block.

We're not sure what Jamie Spears' other plans for Britney Spears are yet, but we've heard rumours that he'll soon be taking her place as a recording artist soon, too. In fact, an album of bubblegum pop entitled Hit Me One More Time (No Really, I Know I'm A Middle-Aged Man Dressed A Schoolgirl And I Know That Must Freak You Out, But What Say You Hit Me Anyway) is purportedly being mixed as we speak.

Britney Spears’ Dad Keeps The Keys To All Her Stuff

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We know. You thought that all this kerfuffle about Britney Spears would die down now that has to spend the next fortnight locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

Chance'd be a fine thing. No, instead focus has shifted away from Britney Spears' well-being to all of Britney Spears' stuff. Yesterday in court effectively saw a fight between Britney and her Dad about whether or not he should be her conservator while she's banged up in the nuthouse. Turns out he can.

So now Jamie Spears is in charge of Britney's estate and finances, plus he'll also be legally obliged to shave his hair off, drink 20 Red Bulls a day and have his vagina on full display whenever he gets out of a car. Hey, we don't make the rules.