Cars. Automobiles. Vehicles. Things with engines. On four wheels (sometimes three) that often get covered in ice during winter and, if you get leather seats, are too hot to sit in during the summer. Yes, our four wheeled friends are so much a part of our everyday life that it takes the release of Disney Pixar’s ‘Cars’ to actually make us consider the fact that cars might have feelings too.

Which they don’t.

And that’s a good thing because if certain cars had feelings they would almost certainly see themselves as hideous, nutrient-guzzling windbags with no friends either on the road or in the driveway. It would likely drive them to self harm, presumably by slashing their own tires while sitting in a puddle. Who knows? It’s rarely a good idea to personify inanimate objects too far as they are likely to take on a terrifying edge the next time you clamber into one to pop down to the shops.

It’s a real shame for cars. Assuming that cars do have feelings which- admittedly- might be a bit of a stretch for some of our readers who believe that Justin Bieber has a penis and that Tom Hardy can spell, it is easy to assume that being a car makes for an incredibly depressing life. You see, cars just aren’t that good looking any more. It used to be that cars were either sleek lines or grudging, grunting boxes with all the welcoming appeal of Theresa May naked in a jacuzzi but still, unlike Theresa May in a jacuzzi, one could respect the car for at least making the effort.

If cars did indeed have feelings, they’d realise how much the tone of advertising had changed. The focus is no longer on the car itself, its sleek line, its fuel efficiency or even how safe it is for the driver if you were to slam it into a child at fifty miles per hour. Now the car has become such a hideous pariah in its own industry that it’s better to focus on completely abstract elements of life instead of on the car itself. One need only look at the frankly ludicrous Renault Clio advert which stars almost every popular culture reference ever used to sell a car which is hanging from the ceiling in a state of impotent fury (more personification there).

It would be easy to suggest that the end of this advert shows the lynching of the car. The evil, putrid, spewing, belching demi-corpse of the car in a world where people passively snigger at Top Gear before complaining that their Prius doesn’t get enough miles to the gallon. People need to make up their minds. Do they hate cars or love them?

Funnily enough, it’s not just the car-buying public that have to decide what the hell they want from cars. Citroën, for example, have just released an advert which basically challenges people to buy their new DS4 model.

In the past we’ve been told that it’s rude to pick apart someone’s hard work for comic effect but to be fair, not everyone has to work this hard to produce an advert so full of preposterous misinformation. Let’s open with some yeses. Yes, you will work Sunday. Yes, you will take your hideously materialistic bitch of a wife shopping despite the fact that you’ve been working all day at your job and are knackered. Yes, you will buy coffee from Starbucks and meat from a supermarket because it’s just easier and you’re knackered from working at your job where your boss under-rates your contribution and exhausted from your home life where your hideously materialistic bitch of a wife complains because you’re ALWAYS BLOODY WORKING!

It’s little wonder that you end up conforming so much that when the opportunity arises to get fully naked in a jacuzzi with the Home Secretary arises, you’re too tired to do anything but give into the bubbles and those hard, calloused, Thatcherite hands.

Funnily enough, the Citroën DS4 is (in looks if not in policies) similar to a fully nude Theresa May in a jacuzzi. By conforming so much in life, you feel the need to break the chain and either engage in warm, wet… but still dry, disappointing coitus with a Cabinet Minister or buy a car that looks a bit like her. You know, all curiously smoothed lines where there was previously a jutting line.

It is easy to conclude that buying a Citroën DS4 is the lesser of two evils in this instance. At least in buying a hideously deformed car, so ugly that they only show it on screen for a few seconds, you are not committing an act of adultery. Although, you’ll never sell your tell-all story to a tabloid and bring down the government of the day in a whirlwind of sex scandal if you just buy a badly designed five-door coupé, will you?

That doesn’t mean that you won’t take our personification of vehicles too far and end up in a tabloid with your genitals enveloped in an exhaust pipe though. It’s all about headlines.

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The View is a place for women of differing political viewpoints to intelligently discuss the news of the day while squawking around like a gang of clueless ninnies.

And, as such, all political viewpoints must be represented on The View. That’s why Elisabeth Hasselbeck has gained longterm employment on The View as the show’s resident spiteful backwards reactionary fact-ignoring common sense-deprived world-hating Bible-humping bumbling yokel.

But maybe not for much longer. It’s been reported that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is getting more and more infuriated with the liberal viewpoints of her co-host Whoopi Goldberg, to the extent that ‘cooling-off meetings’ have been arranged to calm her down. It’s led to speculation that Elisabeth Hasselbeck will soon leave The View, which will be a shame. We were hoping she’d stick around at least until her brain popped.

It doesn’t matter what happens on The View any more. The show’s glory days are behind it. Barbara Walters could set fire to some orphans and kick them down the stairs tomorrow and people would still only remember The View for two moments.

Those moments are when Danny DeVito drunkenly burped puke into his own mouth and – more relevantly – the full-scale split-screen windtunnel of a screechy row between Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Rosie O’Donnell about the war or something. Nobody came out of that one looking good – not least us, but that’s only because it made us so infuriated that we pulled all our hair out and started striking around at our faces with a hammer.

The winner of that particular battle was Elisabeth Hasselbeck, whose argument that all unborn children should be given handguns to protect themselves from abortionists and rapists (or something) beat down Rosie O’Donnell’s assertion that the government is made of a giant super-intelligent lizard race determined to farm the world of its tears (or something). But, by winning the battle, Elisabeth Hasselbeck may have lost the war.

That’s because, after the fight, Rosie O’Donnell left The View and was replaced by Whoopi Goldberg. Now, Whoopi Goldberg is probably as liberal as Rosie was, but it’s harder for Elisabeth Hasselbeck to win fights with her. It’s easy to look like the clever one when your debate opponent is a fat belligerent lesbian, but when it’s the wise, all-knowing Jesus alien from Star Trek: The Next Generation? Not so much.

And because of this, Elisabeth Hasselbeck has reportedly been getting so wound up that she could be on the cusp of leaving The View. The Seattle PI reports:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the only politically conservative member of the hosting crew on ABC’s “The View,” apparently is becoming more annoyed with her liberal counterparts. Chicago Sun-Times columnist Bill Zwecker quotes “a longtime staff member” of the show as saying, “It’s not as bad as during the Rosie era,” but Hasselbeck is “really upset” with the liberal politics of co-hosts Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar.

Because of this, there have apparently been ‘cooling-off meetings’ to try and get everyone back onside. But with an election just weeks away, there’s every chance that Elisabeth Hasselbeck will become so shrill and objectionable that only dogs will be able to tell how much ill-informed nonsense she’s spouting.

So, you know what? Let Elisabeth Hasselbeck leave. She’s apparently already looking over offers from Fox News, and she’ll obviously be happier there. Plus it can’t be that hard for The View to find a replacement who shares the same political ideologies as Elisabeth Hasselbeck, can it? Has anyone even tried calling Ralph Fiennes From Schindler’s List In A Lady’s Wig yet? Thought not.