So with that in mind it's safe to assume that Jay-Z and Beyonce really did get married on Friday, because Mary J Blige kicked off a co-headlining concert with Jay-Z on Saturday by shouting "Congratulations to my man Jay-Z and my girl B!"

Which makes it indisputable that Jay-Z and Beyonce are really married, unless Mary J Blige was congratulating them on something else, of course – like finding buried treasure on a beach with a metal detector, for example, or for making a tiny hat that's the perfect size for a duck's head, or for stringing the world on for so long about whether they're married or not that most people would rather swallow broken glass than think about Jay-Z or Beyonce for another second. Who knows?

Jay-Z and Beyonce are notoriously private about their relationship. So private, in fact, that we don't think we've ever read a single news story about either of them. Ever. Oh no, wait, our mistake – we were thinking about every other couple on the face of the planet.

Jay-Z and Beyonce, you see, are all over the sodding place. If they're not doing guest vocals on each other's songs then they're watching basketball matches or fashion shows together. They're everywhere all the time together. It's just that neither Jay-Z or Beyonce want to tell anyone whether they got married or not.

There have been rumours of Jay-Z/ Beyonce weddings in the past, but last week when they got a marriage license things started to look a little more serious. And they were – on Friday Jay-Z and Beyonce finally got married. Unless they didn't. But they probably did. Maybe. Although they might not've. Oh, who knows?

Alleged steroid-addled superbeing Mary J Blige knows, actually. Taking a rare moment off from endlessly carping on about how difficult her life used to be, Mary J Blige told the crowd at a concert on Saturday that the Jay-Z/ Beyonce wedding was completely genuine. Unless she didn't. But she probably did. People reports:

"Mum was the wedding word from Jay-Z as he hit the stage in North Carolina on Saturday – a day after a friend says he married Beyonce Knowles – revealing nothing about a ceremony and wearing no ring. But co-headliner Mary J. Blige on the Heart of the City tour couldn't maintain the same level of silence, shouting to the sold-out Greensboro audience: 'Congratulations to my man, Jay-Z, and my girl B,' before starting her set with You're All I Need." 

See? And if Mary J Blige says that Jay-Z got married to Beyonce, then it really happened. Even though, you know, she didn't say exactly that. But it was heavily implied, and that's enough for us. Unless it turns out later that Jay-Z didn't really get married to Beyonce, in which case we knew all along that Mary J Blige was talking rubbish.

In fact, the more we think about it, the more unlikely it seems that Mary J Blige is telling the truth. A simple congratulations? That's not like her at all. Now, if Mary J Blige had congratulated Jay-Z and Beyonce and then used it to launch into a tedious 20-minute ramble about herself, like she did with Amy Winehouse and Jamie Lynn Spears then perhaps we'd have taken the bait a bit quicker.

So there it is – indisputable proof that Jay-Z and Beyonce didn't get married on Friday. Unless they did get married on Friday. Which they probably did. Unless they didn't.

We hope this helps.

Read more:

Mary J. Blige's Concert Shout-Out to Jay-Z & Beyoncé – People 

Sorry, we're still trying to get over this shocking Jennifer Lopez pregnancy bombshell because it's genuinely come right out of the blue. All we've had to go on is Jennifer Lopez persistently assuming coyness every time someone mentions motherhood or babies in front of her, performing tours around the world with a belly that's been steadily growing in size because of the baby growing inside it and clearly being undeniably pregnant. And now it turns out that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant? That's literally the most surprising thing we've experienced all day, with the exception of every single thing we've seen, heard, thought or smelled, obviously.

Thank God – the dangerous pregnancy chicken-duel between Jennifer Lopez and Christina Aguilera has finally come to an end. For months now, both Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez have been so blatantly pregnant that only an idiot could doubt their knocked-upness, but neither Christina or Jennifer wanted to be the first to reveal their pregnancy, because it'd mean losing the competition we assume they had with each other and doing their next concert with the word 'pussy' written on their head in permanent marker as a forfeit.

Thankfully, though, the nightmare situation – of both Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez in the throes of labour in adjacent maternity beds, both gritting their teeth to stop the babies from crowning out of their vaginas while claiming that it's just wind, honest – was avoided this week when Christina Aguilera announced her pregnancy to the world.

And now Aguilera has given in, Jennifer Lopez can also exclusively reveal that she is, in fact, also pregnant. And just one week after her concert outfit designer Roberto Cavalli told everyone that Jennifer Lopez was pregnant too. The bravery of the woman.

Anyway, Jennifer Lopez revealed her pregnancy to a concert audience in Miami, where she's currently performing shows with husband Marc Anthony, by saying:

"Marc and I are expecting."

Expecting? Expecting what? To split up in a couple of months? To one day make a film that people actually want to see? Ohhh, we get it – they're expecting a baby. To make everything even more explicit, Marc Anthony then started kissing Jennifer Lopez's baby-bump in what we're presuming to be the most stomach-turning act of physical affection the world has seen since Jade Goody's boyfriend spunked up her leg on Celebrity Big Brother that one time.

But at least now it's official, and the wait must have been agonising for Jennifer Lopez. At least now it's in the open Jennifer Lopez can show her love to the baby in the only way she knows how – by recording an album of romantic duets with the foetus and starring in up to 16 pointless romantic comedies with it, with all the unborn infant's scenes filmed in ultrasound. 

At least not until now. Christina Aguilera has decided to officially confirm her pregnancy to the world for the very first time, letting slip to Glamour magazine that her baby is due early on in the new year. It's good news all round, really – Christina Aguilera gets to congratulate herself for keeping the pregnancy a secret for so long, the public gets to breathe a sigh of relief because it knows Aguilera's bulging gut isn't a giant ovarian cyst and all local hospitals have a few months' notice to soundproof their maternity wards – after all, if that's how Christina Aguilera screams when she's singing a song about a man made of candy, imagine what she'll sound like when a giant-skulled baby crawls through her vagina.

As far as constant image-changes go, Christina Aguilera is up there with Madonna and Carlos The Jackal. So far in her comparatively brief career we've seen blond pop muppet Christina Aguilera, pierced dirt-cheap hooker Christina Aguilera and weird sort-of wartime floozy Christina Aguilera.

But now it's time for Christina Aguilera to unveil her latest image – it's Christina Aguilera the tender-breasted, swollen-ankled, constantly-nauseous expectant mother. Rumours of Christina Aguilera's pregnancy have been floating around for months, and they stopped being rumours as soon as Christina started swelling up like an infected jellyfish sting and took to shopping exclusively in baby stores.

However, since Christina Aguilera didn't seem to want to announce the pregnancy, we just assumed that she'd suddenly developed a fondness for bingeing on pastry and all the baby gear was for her chihuahua. Then Paris Hilton and Christina's own father told the world that Christina Aguilera was pregnant – but still nothing from the woman herself.

Now, finally, since the pregnancy is so far gone that her gut stretches like the TV in Videodrome every time her unborn baby farts, Christina Aguilera has finally decided to tell the world what it already knew, breaking the news to Glamour magazine when it asked her about new year's resolutions:

“That’ll be about the time I enter into mommyhood so I’m hoping to have started a beautiful family with my husband!… [The father is] thrilled! He’s just great. He’s so supportive and amazing through everything. He came with me on the last leg of the tour and he was my support system… I guess. I’m a lucky girl! I want to get it right, to balance that well with my career.”

Balancing motherhood with her career shouldn't prove to be too difficult for Christina Aguilera because, if watching young mothers take their children round the supermarket on a Saturday morning is anything to go by, she'll get to practise her vocal technique by screaming swearwords at her kid every time it asks her a question. And don't forget that Christina Aguilera isn't the first young pop star to have a baby – she'll always have Britney Spears for guidance. In fact, we're going to go as far as saying that all Christina needs to do is the exact opposite of what Britney Spears has ever done since she first gave birth to Sean Preston and she'll make a wonderful mother.