Madonna’s spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg has just issued the statement we’ve all been waiting for – the one that says Madonna and Guy Ritchie were living a hate-filled lie and that their Christmas present to one another this year will be that they both get to legally have sex with other people because, yes, they’re getting divorced.

Notice, though, that the divorce statement came from Madonna’s spokeswoman as opposed to a joint statement from Guy Ritchie and Madonna together. Wow. We’re starting to get the feeling that those two might not actually get along.

It’s a sad day, that’s for sure. We were hoping that all the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce stories from this morning were just rumours, and that this evening Madonna and Guy Ritchie would continue their traditional pursuit of going to the pub in stony silence facing away from each other and visibly bristling whenever they even so much as thought about one another.

But it’s not to be. Because now Madonna’s spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg has finally put an official seal on the disastrously-managed divorce secret once and for all. The New York Daily News reports:

“Madonna and Guy Ritchie have agreed to divorce after 7 l/2 years of marrige,” Liz Rosenberg said in a statement. ”They have both requested that the media maintain respect for their family at this difficult time. A final settlement has not been agreed upon yet.”

Of course a final settlement has not been agreed upon yet. Madonna is one of the richest women in the world, so there’s every chance that the settlement proceedings could go on for weeks. Or months, if Madonna tries to get her hands on any of the unsold Revolver DVDs that Guy Ritchie keeps in the cellar.

Anyway, now that the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been made official, it’s time for the postmortem. It’ll all come out in the wash, we’re sure, but we expect that these are among the frontrunners for the the ultimate cause of divorce:

* Madonna being implicated in the Alex Rodriguez divorce.

* Madonna’s disenchantment that Guy Ritchie hasn’t fulfilled his hotshot movie director potential.

* Differing opinions on Madonna’s adopted son David Banda.

* That one time when Madonna put her hand upon Guy Ritchie in his sleep and Guy Ritchie got scared because he thought it was the hand of a corpse.

* Guy Ritchie realising that the “sex with you is incredible” line from Madonna’s newest album was sung in a mildly sarcastic tone.

* A mutual understanding that one of them looks like an angry potato and the other one looks like a test-tube of surgically-removed vagina cartilage.

Still, we’re sure we’ll find out all the dirty secrets of the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce as the news unfolds. And unfolds. And keeps unfolding. And doesn’t stop unfolding for about six weeks after everyone’s got sick of hearing about it. Just a hunch.

He did! Pete Wentz did only marry Ashlee Simpson because he accidentally knocked her up and then felt bound by guilt and duty to quickly marry her and hope that nobody would notice. By which we mean Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Definitely pregnant!

It was never really a very well-kept secret, but apparently Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson hadn’t confirmed the pregnancy before because of fears for the unborn baby. But now it’s out in the open Pete and Ashlee can totally start their hardball negotiations for magazine photoshoots and baby hair straightener product endorsement deals and shit.

Babies are truly magical things. Magical bundles of noise and poo who only grow up to resent you, then move out and never call except for maybe on your birthday if they remember. But maybe that’s something we should let Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson discover for themselves, because they’re about to discover exactly that.

The cat and mouse game where we were the cat and Ashlee Simpson’s pulsating uterus was the unpleasant mouse has now come to an end. Sure, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz put up a good fight, spinning out ridiculous lie after ridiculous lie like ‘Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant‘ and ‘I like to keep some things private‘ and ‘we’re getting married because we love each other‘ – but biology has won out in the end.

Because, before it becomes obvious and Ashlee Simpson starts waddling around everywhere in a bad mood because her back hurts and she keeps accidentally pissing herself, she and Pete Wentz have decided to officially confirm the pregnancy by leaving this statement on a website:

“While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.”

Of course, waiting until the first trimester has passed before making an announcement is the received protocol for a pregnancy, because that’s statistically the most dangerous time for an unborn child. It’s just bad luck that the news was mysteriously leaked around the time that Pete Wentz developed a startled panicky look in his eye and bundled Ashlee Simpson through a sudden engagement into a suspiciously last-minute wedding. We’ll never know how the secret got out.

But this still means that Ashlee Simpson still has six months of pregnancy left, which is plenty of time to make preparations before the baby’s birth. And by ‘preparations’ we obviously mean ‘let Joe Simpson get ready to push it through a merciless childhood-stealing cycle of training and auditions to the obvious detriment of every other aspect of its life’. It’s the Simpson way, we hear.

Still, congratulations to Pete Wentz and especially Ashlee Simpson, who now has six months of explosive uncontrollable tantrums and screaming “Fuck OFF! Can’t you see I’m PREGNANT?” at everyone who comes within 20 feet of her to look forward to. Golden times.

But, people, guess what – Angelina Jolie is pregnant! With twins!

And this time it’s official, because Jack Black accidentally shot his gob off about how many kids Angelina Jolie was hiding up her uterus during a promotional interview for Kung-Fu Panda in Cannes, and Angelina Jolie was forced to confirm it. In other unrelated news, the bear community is also kind of pissed off at Jack Black for accidentally breaking the story that they occasionally shit in the woods from time to time.

Here are three things we know about Angelina Jolie:

1) Angelina Jolie is pregnant.

2) Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins.

3) Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twin girls.

Oh, and:

4) That new Angelina Jolie movie Wanted doesn’t look very good at all.

But anyway, even though everyone already knew that, Jack Black has inadvertently caused Angelina Jolie to officially confirm that she’s pregnant with twins during a Cannes interview to promote Kung-Fu Panda, which we believe to be everyone’s cue to be all like “What? Pregnant? Twins, you say? We think we need to sit down for a moment as the magnitude of this wholly unexpected news has made us quite giddy.” The Boston Herald reports:

[Angelina's] “Kung Fu Panda” co-star Jack Black let the news slip during their tandem promotional interview and Jolie, the mother of four, had no choice but to confirm the news. “You’re gonna have as many as (the) ‘Brady Bunch’ when you have these,” Jack joked during the sit-down… “It’s confirmed? Is it two?,” Natalie asked. “Yeah, yeah, we’ve confirmed that already,” said the United Nations Earth Mother. “Well, Jack’s just confirmed it, actually.”

Yeah, nice one Jack Black. Congratulations for blabbing all of your co-star’s poorly-kept intimacies. What next? Are you going to use a joint interview to describe how Dustin Hoffman’s hair is really made out of weasel pubes? Or how Jackie Chan trawls through dustbins at night for dirty nappies so he can wipe them all over his delighted face? Even though neither of these things are true? Huh? Huh Jack Black? Huh?

Anyway, now the secret about Angelina Jolie’s unborn twins is out and there’s nothing anybody can do about it. Sure, there’s a chance that Angelina will pay a little Afghan orphan to climb into her birth canal eight months in, and order him to wait around for a few weeks and then crawl out when she gives birth to make it look like she’s actually had triplets, but that hardly seems very likely now, does it?

Really, Angelina Jolie should be pleased that the news is out, because now the glossy magazines have some advance warning to save up for the inevitable cover-shoot photo deal, which will now cost twice as much as before.

And it’s advance warning for all of us, too – if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are having two babies instead of one, that means that in a few months we’ll all be unceremoniously bumped down two places in the world attractiveness rankings rather than the single place we were anticipating. Now we have a bit more time to prepare for such a crippling blow to our self-esteem. Stupid good-looking babies.

Read more:

It’s official: Twins on board for Jolie – Boston Herald

This is obvious from the way that Mariah Carey kept quiet about her marriage to Nick Cannon. She knows that weddings are sacred and personal and she doesn’t want to sully that by making it public. That’s our definition of dignity.

Our definition of dignity also includes a) confirming your marriage to People magazine, b) selling your wedding photos to the same magazine, c) yammering on endlessly about your marriage to the magazine like a froth-mouthed nutbag, and d) getting a marriage-proclaiming tattoo across your back so even people who you aren’t directly looking at can see that you’re married. Mariah Carey has done all of these things recently.

Perhaps we need to buy a new dictionary.

Mariah Carey isn’t an idiot. True, there’s a chance that having a conversation with her might be about as fun as having a conversation with two tennis balls in a string bag, but she’s not an idiot by any means.

Although Mariah Carey may have launched into a harebrained marriage to Nick Cannon last week after knowing him for approximately a tenth of a nanosecond, but that doesn’t mean she’s taken leave of her senses. As we revealed yesterday, Mariah Carey definitely got a prenup before she married Nick Cannon. That means that when the marriage inevitably sours after a couple of months, Mariah can just cut Nick Cannon loose and carry on as if he never existed.

Except, you know, for the massive ‘Mrs Cannon’ tattoo that Mariah Carey’s had etched into her back forever. Whoops.

Mariah Carey has at last officially confirmed her marriage to Nick Cannon via People magazine, where she also sold her wedding photos. And in the accompanying interview, Mariah Carey also got to reveal that her marriage wasn’t a stupid last-minute affair because they’d known each other for, like, almost a month and she’d already had his name written indelibly on her skin which is a bit like marriage anyway. BBC News reports:

“We really do feel we are soul mates – I never felt a love like this was in the cards for me,” the 38-year-old told People magazine.” It was a love-at-first-sight thing. Since we’ve been together, we’ve been inseparable,” Cannon told the magazine. According to People, Cannon had proposed to the singer on the rooftop of her New York apartment building just five days before their wedding. The singer dismissed reports their marriage was as last minute as reported: “One thing [few people] knew was we got tattoos a few weeks earlier. So anyone who saw my tattoo wasn’t surprised,” she said.

So if Mariah Carey has had ‘Mrs Cannon’ tattooed across her back, what has Nick Cannon got? ‘Mr Cannon’? Boy, will he ever look stupid when he and Mariah get divorced!

That’s assuming that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon do get divorced, of course, which is unlikely – historically the abnormally sudden tattooed declaration of love route usually has a happy ending, doesn’t it.

And anyway, even if Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon do quickly divorce because the marriage was a failure from the instant it was first suggested, all Mariah carey needs to do to stop looking like an idiot is to quickly marry someone else with the surname Cannon. May we suggest 1980s comedian Tommy Cannon or comicbook artist Zander Cannon – or even 112-years dead Mormon church Quorum member Abraham Hoagland Cannon if she really wants to do the whole himbo thing again.

Read more:

Mariah confirms marriage to actor – BBC

For all the reports of Mariah Carey’s marriage to her video director Nick Cannon, the lack of an official confirmation led many to believe that it was all just an elaborately cynical publicity stunt, albeit an elaborately cynical publicity stunt that nobody could really give very much of a shit about.

But we can lay all that to rest now – Mariah Carey has emailed the editor of Vogue to tell him how happy she is about being married. Nick Cannon might have emailed some people as well, but nobody cares because he isn’t famous and, besides, he doesn’t really look old enough to know how a computer works, does he?

As the rumours about Mariah Carey’s marriage to Nick Cannon first emerged, there were five common reactions from the public. These were, in order of popularity, 1) “What?” 2) “Really?” 3) “What, really!?” 4) “Really?” and 5) “What a ridiculous thing for her to do. She’d better have a brilliant prenup ready for when this falls apart by Christmas.”

You can understand their concern, because last time Mariah Carey got married it quickly dissolved into accusations of paranoia and psychological abuse and sent Mariah on a meltdown so spectacular that she even ended up starring in a film with Max Beesley, which we think is medically about as mad as you can get.

And, just as it looked like those reactions were going to vanish away without a sniff of an official retort, it seems as though the answers are finally becoming apparent. They are, a follows: 1) “Mariah Carey got married to Nick Cannon last week,” 2) “Yes, really,” 3) “Yup,” 4) “Seriously, what’s wrong with you?” and 5) “You betcha. Not even Mariah Carey is dumb enough to think that this marriage has any potential.”

After what seems like an age, Mariah Carey has opened up about her wedding to some bloke who works for Vogue and the tiny minority of her fans who can read, as Metro reports:

Friend of Mariah’s, Vogue editor Andre Leon Talley, said “she is very happy. I’ve spoken with her and she is superb. I received an email from her and she is so happy, she really sounds like someone on her honeymoon.” Mariah hasn’t taken any chances though and took all financial precautions with a prenuptial agreement. Mariah told the Mariah Carey Archives website that, “anyone who thinks we didn’t have a prenup is smoking something!”

So there we have it – prenupped to the hilt and apparently on honeymoon, it seems as though Mariah Carey is definitely married to Nick Cannon. So perhaps we should leave the happy couple to explore married life together in private now.

After all, we wouldn’t want to ruin that slow, magical realisation that they hurtled into marriage too quickly, are basically deeply incompatible with each other on every conceivable level and will have to either face a humiliating public turnaround in front of a world that considers them both to be laughing stocks or a lifetime of brooding bitter resentment towards one another, would we?

Read more:

Newlywed Mariah signs prenup – Metro