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JLS fans haven’t been very kind to us of late. Apparently they don’t like the fact that we inferred that their favourite band mimed some bad words and threw one of those showbiz hissy fit things at T4 On The Beach, which they TOTALLY did.
Naturally being the reasonable and thoughtful people we are, we thought we’d take another shot at them.
This time over the fact they’ve admitted they can’t sing. Read More >>>
It’s been a weekend full of festivals with nearly every performer you can think of out to plug any old tat they’ve got coming out soon. Up in Scotland, a mix of indie, rock and electronica could be found, although annoyances like Bruno Mars still managed to evade security and get on stage at T in the Park, while at Sonisphere, they had angry music fans happy with bands that haven’t progressed from early eighties hair metal.
But the pick of the bunch was down at the sick seagull of Britain – Weston-super-Mare – where the family friendly festival T4 On The Beach was happening! While it was broadcast on Channel 4 and hosted by a gang of hipsters who all deserve to be shot, it was the sort of day where parents of small children could drop them off, safe in the knowledge they wouldn’t be snorting lines of speed. Last year, one of music’s answers to satire, Jedward, broke an ankle.
This year, JLS threw a slight hissy fit and pulled out of the event. It’s almost like the end of the world has just happened. So what pissed off JLS then?
JLS have shown that you don’t have to be winners in order to achieve your dream of singing second rate R&B songs whilst posing with overpriced cars and women who are out of their league.
JLS are, in fairness to them, weirdly popular despite having one of the worst band names in history – they would have been more credible to us if they were called something like London Ghetto Bad Boyz. Bands that don’t use proper words are usually rubbish, just look at U2.
Hailing from the world of X-Factor, JLS have an easy market to manipulate when it comes to releasing merchandise. They release more than just music with all sorts of tat having their name attached to it. From bear traps to lunchboxes, it’ll be somewhere on the internet to buy. Hot on the heels of midget singer Justin Bieber, the JLS boys are set to bring out their own film which is set to feature run of the mill boring material that wouldn’t offend the most PC of people.
Ke$ha, the insanely irritating popstar with a voice like a thousand nails on a blackboard, has seemingly grown something resembling a heart as she looks out toward to good people of Japan and thinks “you’ve really suffered enough”.
As such, she’s decided to cancel her upcoming tour of Japan after the country was hit with a catastrophic earthquake and tsunami.
While the country grieves and suffers continued quakes, they certainly don’t need to hear someone singing about ‘Glitter Puke’ or performing the immensely grating ‘Blah Blah Blah’.
Assume for a moment that Ke$ha’s decision to ‘hand out’ 10,000 condoms at her upcoming tour doesn’t mean that she plans to have sexual intercourse with every man at her show either in a group or using some sort of complex system usually reserved for queues at Delicatessens. Have you assumed that? Good- it’s important legally.
Now assume for a moment that pop-twat Ke$ha’s decision to hand out 10,000 condoms emblazoned with her smug, self-involved, dripping mess of a face is in fact an invitation for every man at her show (straight, gay or just idiotic) to come backstage, queue up and turn her inside out.
Have you assumed that? Good- it’s important for comedy.
Poor old Bristol Palin, she’s got a shotgun wielding nutcase of a mother, had a child with a man who has neck so red that it can’t be seen by the naked eye and, unbelievably, she failed to win some shoddy yank spin-off of Strictly Come Dancing.
In what can only be seen as an attempt to desperately claw back some semblance of dignity, dear sweet Brizzle has appeared in a Public Service Announcement for safe sex, alongside none other than Mike, “The Situation,” Sorrentino.
Yes, you did read that correctly, Bristol Palin is promoting safe sex with a man who is named after his own abdomen.
Apart from the old lady who left £10 million to her favourite Chinese take-away and canoeists faking their own deaths, our foreign friends lead the way with weird news.
Vermont’s Van Miguel Hartless, is suing Burger King after discovering an unwrapped condom in his burger. Unfortunately he found it after eating half of it.
Oh, there's more where that came from…
