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Concert

Ne-Yo Wins A Bunch Of Cash For Being Better Than R Kelly

by Stuart Heritage

Ne-Yo – the only R&B singer on Earth to name himself after the Doppler effect – is a pretty popular chap, but now that’s been legally confirmed.

Last year Ne-Yo was on tour supporting R Kelly, but he got the sack after two shows because he says the crowds preferred him and R Kelly got the hump. A quick court case later, and Ne-Yo seems to have had his argument upheld – he’s just been awarded $700,000 from the tour’s promoter for sacking him so quickly.

So congratulations Ne-Yo – you’re now sort of officially more popular than a man who until recently was thought to have starred in a piss-sex video with a child. That’s just a level of popularity we can only ever dream of reaching. Tell us Ne-Yo, how does that feel?

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Madonna: John McCain Be Murderous Trouble – See, Check The Video I Made

by Shawn Lindseth

Madonna may not be savvy when it comes to making albums, movies or a 100% kernel sweeping bite down any given piece of corn on the cob, but when it comes to political opinion she is a shining beacon shooting her vibrant rays through the midst of a turbulent sea. Yes, America needs her, which [...]

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Jessica Simpson Goes Country, Infuriates Some Rednecks

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Jessica Simpson’s much-hyped acting career is lying twitching in the gutter, Jessica can now go back to her first love.

No, wait – Jessica Simpson’s first love is cacky reality TV shows that exploit her personal relationships with others, isn’t it? OK, well in that case Jessica Simpson has gone back to her second love – music.

And not just any music, either – Jessica Simpson has gone country, and she’s marked the occasion with a concert at a festival in Wisconsin. But sadly, Jessica Simpson’s country concert didn’t go down well with the locals, who booed and jeered her for not being country enough. Now, if she’d have smashed her teeth up real bad and had sex with a blood relative beforehand, it would have been a different story altogether.

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VIDEO: Tim McGraw Flips Out & Ejects Tubby Cowboy From Gig

by Stuart Heritage

Country music is scientifically proven to turn people into violent, woman-beating drunks – or is it just that only violent wife-beating drunks like country music?

Maybe we’ll never know for sure, but let’s forget the history for a moment and just laugh at the fat, allegedly woman-beating rednecks who go to country music concerts. Like the fat, allegedly woman-beating redneck who country star Tim McGraw hauled up onstage and ejected from a show in Washington on Tuesday night.

Best of all, there’s video footage of the incident. An obnoxious fat cowboy who’s too fat to be lifted off the ground by three other obnoxious cowboys? Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? It’s not – the video’s got a country music soundtrack. Bleugh.

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Disney To Miley Cyrus: Back To Work, Paedo-Bait

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since she posed for those provocative sort-of topless underage Vanity Fair photos, Miley Cyrus has left her wholesome tween image far behind.

But try telling that to Disney. Even though she seems more comfortable these days posing vulnerably under satin sheets and draping herself over her father’s lap in an uncomfortably sexual way, Miley Cyrus is still one of Disney’s biggest cash cows. And that’s why the corporation has refused to scrap Miley’s upcoming concert set for Saturday.

However, in a nod to the effect of the scandal and her new audience, Disney has staged a last-minute change of venue for the concert. Now, instead of performing at the sun-dappled Disney World Resort in Orlando, Miley Cyrus will be appearing at a grotty underground basement in front of an audience comprised soley of raincoat-wearing middle-aged, yellow-eyed, nicotine-stained Frenchmen.

Ever since she posed for those provocative sort-of topless underage Vanity Fair photos, Miley Cyrus has left her wholesome tween image far behind. But try telling that to Disney. Even though she seems more comfortable these days posing vulnerably under satin sheets and draping herself over her father's lap in an uncomfortably sexual way, Miley Cyrus is still one of Disney's biggest cash cows. And that's why the corporation has refused to scrap Miley's upcoming concert set for Saturday. However, in a nod to the effect of the scandal and her new audience, Disney has staged a last-minute change of venue for the concert. Now, instead of performing at the sun-dappled Disney World Resort in Orlando, Miley Cyrus will be appearing at a grotty underground basement in front of an audience comprised soley of raincoat-wearing middle-aged, yellow-eyed, nicotine-stained Frenchmen.
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Toni Braxton Sacks Off Las Vegas

by Stuart Heritage

Poor old Toni Braxton. For close to two years Toni has spent night after night grinding out a living as a Las Vegas casino performer and nobody cared.

But now Toni Braxton has finally got the attention she deserves. Thanks to the mysterious, potentially life-threatening chest pains that took her off to hospital last week, Toni Braxton has never been so famous and her Vegas show is bound to sell even more tickets than ever as a result.

Except that it won’t, because Toni Braxton has cancelled all of her shows for the rest of April while she recovers. Stupid chest pains – they give you all the thrill of being famous with none of the cardiovascular functionality of being healthy. Hardly ideal, is it?

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Elton John Loves Hillary Clinton Something Mental

by Stuart Heritage

If you thought that the US general election only appealed Americans, think again – British tubby gay bald gap-toothed piano players with vision problems are also mad into it.

And since the only British tubby gay bald gap-toothed piano player with vision problem in existence is Elton John, we must mean him. Elton John is throwing down on the side of Hillary Clinton, and is holding a fundraising concert in New York next month to prove it.

No doubt Elton John’s concert will raise a lot of money for Hillary Clinton – it’ll basically be the same as his Las Vegas show, but with all the glamour and sex replaced with hectoring speeches about immigration reform. Good old Elton, always giving the people what they want.

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Spice Girls Drag Their Kids Onstage

by Stuart Heritage

The Spice Girls gave something rather special to their audience this week – no, Geri Halliwell didn’t do the decent thing and cover herself up for once, but the Spice Girls all brought their children onstage.

During their performance of Mama at the O2 arena in London on Tuesday night, it’s been reported that most of the Spice Girls brought their children onstage to say hello to the thousands of buyerless eBay touts who make up their audience these days. In the middle of the song Victoria Beckham, Mel B and Emma Bunton all brought their kids out on stage. In fact, the only Spice Girl mother not to introduce her child to the audience was Geri Halliwell, for fear that the effect of 20,000 people all derisively going “pffft” at the same time after hearing the name Bluebell Madonna would knock over a lighting rig or flip the stage upside down or something.

The Spice Girls gave something rather special to their audience this week - no, Geri Halliwell didn't do the decent thing and cover herself up for once, but the Spice Girls all brought their children onstage. During their performance of Mama at the O2 arena in London on Tuesday night, it's been reported that most of the Spice Girls brought their children onstage to say hello to the thousands of buyerless eBay touts who make up their audience these days. In the middle of the song Victoria Beckham, Mel B and Emma Bunton all brought their kids out on stage. In fact, the only Spice Girl mother not to introduce her child to the audience was Geri Halliwell, for fear that the effect of 20,000 people all derisively going "pffft" at the same time after hearing the name Bluebell Madonna would knock over a lighting rig or flip the stage upside down or something.
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Liza Minnelli Falls Off Swedish Stage

by Stuart Heritage

With a history like hers, Liza Minnelli must count herself lucky every second that she doesn’t suddenly get ill, fall out of a tree or get trampled by a herd of furious stoats.

And, in the big scheme of things, Liza Minnelli collapsing and falling off the stage during a concert in Sweden really isn’t the most important thing that’s ever happened to her. But it is the most recent, so we’ll go with that. Liza Minnelli collapsed and fell off the stage during a concert in Sweden on Wednesday night, and was briefly hospitalised before returning to America. Although Liza is recovering well, that’ll be cold comfort to the Swedes – a 61-year-old woman with a funny haircut ploughing through her billionth rendition of New York, New York as part of a slightly overpriced Christmas carol concert would have been the most exciting thing to happen to Sweden, probably since the invention of herring.

With a history like hers, Liza Minnelli must count herself lucky every second that she doesn't suddenly get ill, fall out of a tree or get trampled by a herd of furious stoats. And, in the big scheme of things, Liza Minnelli collapsing and falling off the stage during a concert in Sweden really isn't the most important thing that's ever happened to her. But it is the most recent, so we'll go with that. Liza Minnelli collapsed and fell off the stage during a concert in Sweden on Wednesday night, and was briefly hospitalised before returning to America. Although Liza is recovering well, that'll be cold comfort to the Swedes - a 61-year-old woman with a funny haircut ploughing through her billionth rendition of New York, New York as part of a slightly overpriced Christmas carol concert would have been the most exciting thing to happen to Sweden, probably since the invention of herring.
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Led Zeppelin Play A Concert Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

Last night at the O2 arena in London, something momentous happened – a bunch old men played some old songs and everyone wet themselves.

We’re talking about Led Zeppelin, of course – last night marked the long-awaited, obscenely-anticipated, ticket website-melting Led Zeppelin comeback at the O2. But even though the band is now made up of Michael Winner, a curly-haired toby jug, a bank manager and someone’s son, could Led Zeppelin match the hype? We’ve got a round-up of some of the best Led Zeppelin reviews from last night for you, saving you the trouble of wading through the foaming avalanche yourself.

Warning: the following article contains the phrase “Page dispensed powerchords like an aged Thor lobbing down thunderbolts for kicks.” Seriously.

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