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Concert

Madonna/ Britney/ Timberlake Queasy Threeway – Tonight

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re a fan of awkward sexually-charged small-talk, you could do a lot worse than getting to Madonna’s concert in New York tonight.

Why? Because Madonna plans to have two very special guests performing with her – Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. If Madonna pulls it off, it has the potential to be the messiest reunion in history – don’t forget that all three of them have had their tongue inside Britney Spears’ mouth at one point or another, with the possible exception of Britney Spears.

If you ask us, this reeks of publicity stunt. And not even a good one – if Madonna really wanted people to go to her show tonight she wouldn’t just stop at Justin Timberlake – she’d hire everyone Britney Spears has ever slept with. Britney and Justin? Pah. Britney and Justin and Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib and that guy Britney married for like half an hour? All voguing like their lives depended on it? Now we’re talking.

If you're a fan of awkward sexually-charged small-talk, you could do a lot worse than getting to Madonna's concert in New York tonight. Why? Because Madonna plans to have two very special guests performing with her - Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. If Madonna pulls it off, it has the potential to be the messiest reunion in history - don't forget that all three of them have had their tongue inside Britney Spears' mouth at one point or another, with the possible exception of Britney Spears. If you ask us, this reeks of publicity stunt. And not even a good one - if Madonna really wanted people to go to her show tonight she wouldn't just stop at Justin Timberlake - she'd hire everyone Britney Spears has ever slept with. Britney and Justin? Pah. Britney and Justin and Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib and that guy Britney married for like half an hour? All voguing like their lives depended on it? Now we're talking.
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Madonna Tells Sarah Palin To Either Move Or Get A Gap-Toothed Beat Down

by Shawn Lindseth

At a mandatory hecklerspray retreat we all had to attend, have fun at or be fired, everybody woke up to a horrible fright. It was Stu Heritage and Chris Laverty screaming in unison because they simultaneously dreamt that Madonna‘s wrinkled old lady hands were wrapping around their throats with the full intent of murder. Needless [...]

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Hello Hello, Turns Out Janet Jackson’s Poorly With Vertigo

by Stuart Heritage

For a few weeks the corner of the world that still cares about Janet Jackson has been asking one question – what’s wrong with the woman?

Janet Jackson has been cancelling swathes of concerts on her current Rock Witchu tour because of a mystery illness that suddenly took hold five minutes before a show in Canada. The fact alone that nobody would reveal the illness was a cause for consternation – but now we know.

Janet Jackson has been suffering from migraine-associated vertigo. We’re sure that Janet Jackson’s fans are all completely sympathetic to this diagnosis – don’t forget that symptoms of vertigo include nausea, vomiting and difficulty standing – all of which will be familiar to anyone who witnessed Janet Jackson pop a nork out during the Super Bowl halftime show of 2004.

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Madonna Bans Sarah Palin From Her Concerts

by Stuart Heritage

As we all know, there’s nothing that strongly-religious wilderness-dwelling female politicians like more than having a 50-year-old vajuju repeatedly into their faces.

And, as such, we’re fully expecting Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin to be inconsolable now that Madonna has decided to ban her from her concerts. According to reports, Madonna told her New Jersey audience on Saturday that Sarah Palin wasn’t welcome at any of her shows.

But Sarah Palin isn’t called Sarah Barracuda for nothing, and so she’s gone on the counter-attack. Madonna doesn’t want to see Sarah Palin at any of her concerts? Fine – but if we were Madonna we wouldn’t be expecting an invitation for Sarah Palin’s next ‘shoot a wolf from a helicopter and saw off its leg for the bounty’ party. Your loss, Madonna. Your loss.

As we all know, there's nothing that strongly-religious wilderness-dwelling female politicians like more than having a 50-year-old vajuju repeatedly into their faces. And, as such, we're fully expecting Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin to be inconsolable now that Madonna has decided to ban her from her concerts. According to reports, Madonna told her New Jersey audience on Saturday that Sarah Palin wasn't welcome at any of her shows. But Sarah Palin isn't called Sarah Barracuda for nothing, and so she's gone on the counter-attack. Madonna doesn't want to see Sarah Palin at any of her concerts? Fine - but if we were Madonna we wouldn't be expecting an invitation for Sarah Palin's next 'shoot a wolf from a helicopter and saw off its leg for the bounty' party. Your loss, Madonna. Your loss.
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Janet Jackson: Still Ill, Or Less Ill, Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

Janet Jackson’s mystery illness hasn’t got any less mysterious over the last 24 hours, but it might have gone away – unless it hasn’t.

Although Janet Jackson has left the hospital that she admitted herself to after suddenly falling ill before a concert on Monday, she’s still decided to cancel upcoming concerts in Boston and Philadelphia while she recuperates. Meanwhile, the nature of Janet Jackson’s illness has yet to be revealed.

Did you get all that? There was a lot of complex information just there, so we’ll reiterate in much simpler terms – nobody knows. Nobody knows what’s been going on with Janet Jackson. And nobody cares. Nobody knows and nobody cares. And if you care you’re an idiot. Idiot.

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Janet Jackson Suddenly Gets Poorly, Remaining Fan Upset

by Stuart Heritage

If there’s one thing more annoying than going to a Janet Jackson concert, it’s going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada.

And if there’s one thing worse than going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada, it’s getting ready to go to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada and then finding out you can’t because Janet Jackson’s gone and been struck by some sort of super mystery illness.

Which is what happened last night, as it happened. Five minutes before the opening act of Janet Jackson’s concert in Montreal was set to take the stage, Janet ‘suddenly fell ill’ and had to go to hospital. Nobody would say what illness Janet Jackson had, although it’s thought to be the rare Nogoodalbumsfortwodecades Syndrome. Or it might be something serious, in which case – whoops.

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Hecklergigs: Glasvegas, The Scala, 23/ 09

by Tom Atkinson

In the space of the last two years, Glasvegas have managed to attract a hype that would make even the marketers of Hollywood blockbusters jealous, drawing all kinds of comparisons for their audibly greasy and powerfully excellent chip shop rock n roll.

The most frequent and purposefully headline grabbing of these has to be their ‘new Oasis’ tag, a label that seems fairly at odds with a band initially known for the strength of their Scottish accents, but one that does at least have a little weight.

Discovered by Alan McGee? Check. While playing third on the bill at King Tut’s Wah Wah Hut in Glasgow? Check. Fronted by brothers? Check. Purveyors of moody, shouty anthems? Check, check and check again.

Of course, those kind of easy links are a record label’s dream, and the clamour won by Columbia for the signatures of the band has drummed up a fire and safety-busting capacity (and then some) crowd at the comparably smallScala in King’s Cross.

In the space of the last two years, Glasvegas have managed to attract a hype that would make even the marketers of Hollywood blockbusters jealous, drawing all kinds of comparisons for their audibly greasy and powerfully excellent chip shop rock n roll. The most frequent and purposefully headline grabbing of these has to be their ‘new Oasis’ tag, a label that seems fairly at odds with a band initially known for the strength of their Scottish accents, but one that does at least have a little weight. Discovered by Alan McGee? Check. While playing third on the bill at King Tut’s Wah Wah Hut in Glasgow? Check. Fronted by brothers? Check. Purveyors of moody, shouty anthems? Check, check and check again. Of course, those kind of easy links are a record label’s dream, and the clamour won by Columbia for the signatures of the band has drummed up a fire and safety-busting capacity (and then some) crowd at the comparably smallScala in King’s Cross.
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Nobody Blows Paul McCartney Up In Israel, Not Even Once

by Stuart Heritage

Ha! Eat that, terrorists! It’s 2-0 to Paul McCartney – first for that godawful Freedom song he did and secondly for not getting blown up last night.

Despite the all the threats against his life, Paul McCartney and his 5,000 bodyguards finally played their long-awaited peace concert in Israel last night, with no disruption whatsoever from fanatical snipers or would-be suicide bombers or whatnot. Paul McCartney lives to fight another day!

Of course, Paul McCartney’s masterstroke was to address both sides of the Middle East conflict in their own language right at the start of the concert. First McCartney opened with “Shalom, Tel Aviv, shana tova, ahlan!” giving the crowd the traditional Hebrew greeting ahead of Monday’s Rosh Hashanah celebrations. Then he added “Ramadan kareem” which, as we all know, is Arabic for “Not the face! Not the face!”

Ha! Eat that, terrorists! It's 2-0 to Paul McCartney - first for that godawful Freedom song he did and secondly for not getting blown up last night. Despite the all the threats against his life, Paul McCartney and his 5,000 bodyguards finally played their long-awaited peace concert in Israel last night, with no disruption whatsoever from fanatical snipers or would-be suicide bombers or whatnot. Paul McCartney lives to fight another day! Of course, Paul McCartney's masterstroke was to address both sides of the Middle East conflict in their own language right at the start of the concert. First McCartney opened with "Shalom, Tel Aviv, shana tova, ahlan!" giving the crowd the traditional Hebrew greeting ahead of Monday's Rosh Hashanah celebrations. Then he added "Ramadan kareem" which, as we all know, is Arabic for "Not the face! Not the face!"
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Paul McCartney Hires Every Single Bodyguard In The Universe

by Stuart Heritage

Paul McCartney has often fanned the flames of hatred in the Middle East – after all, what is Silly Love Songs if not a vitriolic tirade against Islam?

And because of this, Paul McCartney’s concert tonight in Israel is shrouded with danger. Islamic extremists are apparently so determined to kill Paul McCartney tonight that nobody is taking any chances – which is why 5,000 bodyguards have been hired to surround Paul McCartney at all times during his visit. That’s even more that George Bush needed.

The message of this is clear – although he takes the death threats incredibly seriously, Paul McCartney will not deprive the Israeli people of his music. The other message, of course, is that Paul McCartney’s got so many bouncers around him at the moment that there won’t be anyone working the door of your local nightclub tonight, so you could probably get away with jeans and trainers if you wanted.

Paul McCartney has often fanned the flames of hatred in the Middle East - after all, what is Silly Love Songs if not a vitriolic tirade against Islam? And because of this, Paul McCartney's concert tonight in Israel is shrouded with danger. Islamic extremists are apparently so determined to kill Paul McCartney tonight that nobody is taking any chances - which is why 5,000 bodyguards have been hired to surround Paul McCartney at all times during his visit. That's even more that George Bush needed. The message of this is clear - although he takes the death threats incredibly seriously, Paul McCartney will not deprive the Israeli people of his music. The other message, of course, is that Paul McCartney's got so many bouncers around him at the moment that there won't be anyone working the door of your local nightclub tonight, so you could probably get away with jeans and trainers if you wanted.
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Paul McCartney Tells Islam To Stick Its Death Threats Up Its Bum

by Stuart Heritage

Paul McCartney’s concert in Israel next week could be his last – and not because he’ll soil himself getting to the high note in Hey Jude and retire out of shame.

No, instead, the concert in Israel could be Paul McCartney’s last because a gang of Islamic extremists are running around telling everyone that they’re going to kill him if he follows through with his plan to play there.

However, Paul McCartney has shown admirable strength of character by refusing to bow to these religious fanatics. In fact, if anything this death threat has just strengthened PaulMcCartney’s resolve – not only will he play the concert in Israel, but he’s even going to turn it into a live album, entitled Paul McCartney Live Behind Six Inches Of Reinforced Plexiglas Inside A Sealed Lead Box Surrounded By Several Bodyguards And At Least A Couple Of Tanks.

Paul McCartney's concert in Israel next week could be his last - and not because he'll soil himself getting to the high note in Hey Jude and retire out of shame. No, instead, the concert in Israel could be Paul McCartney's last because a gang of Islamic extremists are running around telling everyone that they're going to kill him if he follows through with his plan to play there. However, Paul McCartney has shown admirable strength of character by refusing to bow to these religious fanatics. In fact, if anything this death threat has just strengthened PaulMcCartney's resolve - not only will he play the concert in Israel, but he's even going to turn it into a live album, entitled Paul McCartney Live Behind Six Inches Of Reinforced Plexiglas Inside A Sealed Lead Box Surrounded By Several Bodyguards And At Least A Couple Of Tanks.
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