We know exactly what you’re capable of, and your debut show on Friday night in Las Vegas did us proud. But then again, Joaquin Phoenix rapping onstage after a career tutorial by Diddy couldn’t really be anything other than spectacular.

And the result – a bearded man shouting incomprehensible rubbish like a homeless tramp screaming at his own reflection and then falling off the stage – was the dictionary definition of spectacular. Joaquin Phoenix, you’re our hero. Video? Yes, there’s video.

If we were trapped on a sinking hot air balloon with every celebrity on Earth, and we had to throw all but one overboard to keep us afloat, it’s looking increasingly likely that we’d keep Joaquin Phoenix. The man is such good value we’d be idiots to jettison him.

Everything Joaquin Phoenix does is solid gold entertainment (with the exception of most of his films, obviously. We’re not idiots). Whether he’s asking reporters if frogs are eating his brains, announcing his retirement from acting in the most shambolic, humourless way possible or scrawling ‘BYE! GOOD’ across his fists to reinforce that point, Joaquin Phoenix never fails to make our jaw drop in utter disbelief, like he’s Punking the world, but he forgot to tell anyone first.

But last week, everything that Joaquin Phoenix had ever done became obsolete. Because last week Joaquin Phoenix decided to become a rapper, got World’s Worst Rapper Diddy to teach him how to rap and then asked Ben Affleck’s little brother to make a documentary about his new career. And we can completely see why – the documentary would be like Rocky; a heartwarming film about a man who nobody took seriously but went on to become a champion against all the odds.

Or at least it would be like Rocky, if Rocky was three minutes long, didn’t make any sense whatsoever and ended up with Sylvester Stallone toppling out of the ring before he could even look Apollo Creed in the eye.

That’s right – Joaquin Phoenix’s debut show as a rapper took place on Friday night, and it would have been memorable for being an incoherent, shapeless mess – were it not for the fact that Joaquin Phoenix actually fell off the stage at the end. Here are those videos we promised you…

We’re going to go out on a limb here – Joaquin Phoenix has peaked. There is nothing he can do that will ever top him mumbling about fire and then falling over. What you’re watching here is a master on top of his game. This is absolutely as good as it gets.

You know, at least until Joaquin Phoenix releases his rap album. And there aren’t enough words in the English language that can tell you how much we’re looking forward to that.

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Well hold that thought for a couple of months. Because, at the rate they’re going, New Kids On The Block would probably do it for pennies before too long. And that’s because New Kids On The Block have signed up for a concert on a cruise ship.

Sure, they’ll be surrounded by shuffling old pensioners who stink of piss and can’t remember their own names – but we’re sure that the other passengers will get used to New Kids On The Block eventually.

Let’s play a game of Worst Thing Imaginable. First you need to remember New Kids On The Block – the 1980s boyband who you’d feel uneasy about leaving your car keys with. Remembered them? Good. Now age them all by 20 years so they resemble Albert Steptoe, Herman Munster, latter-era Donny Osmond, an extra from the set of Goodfellas and Harry Potter on crystal meth respectively. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Sounds like the Worst Thing Imaginable.

Well it’s not. Now we want you to imagine being trapped in a giant floating tin can with the haggard old New Kids On The Block. Worst Thing Imaginable? No – now we want you to imagine that you’re hundreds of miles from dry land, and that there are sharks in the water so you can’t jump out and swim to save yourself, and most mornings you keep bumping into Danny Wood in the breakfast queue and he keeps trying to engage you in conversation. Congratulations, you’ve reached the Worst Thing Imaginable.

And for some lucky holidaymakers, it’s about to be their Worst Thing Imaginable. After reforming last year and managing to stay together long enough to produce a photo, a haphazard live TV appearance and an album, New Kids On The Block have decided that the only thing left for them to do is become tawdry cruise ship entertainers.

Now, true, the common image of a cruise ship entertainer is that of a plump, desperately unhappy former star trying and failing to recapture whatever glory he ever had by murmuring along to a backing tape in front of a tinselly backdrop, but New Kids On The Block absolutely stand by their decision to play their cruise ship concert, as the New York Daily News reports:

“Our manager tells us this is not a cheesy thing, this is not a step back,” says Joey McIntyre in the video. And Jordan Knight wants fans to know his birthday falls during the cruise dates, on May 17. “I’ll be looking for presents,” he says. The New Kids ship hits the water from May 15-18, launching from Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., then heading to the Bahamas. It will include musical performances and schmoozing.

OK, three things:

1) When Jordan Knight says he wants presents, he actually means food. The New Kids On The Block are very hungry, and their deal on the cruise ship included either beds or food and they chose beds. So, please, if you’re going on this cruise, don’t forget to spare Jordan Knight a ham or a couple of carrots or something.

2) “Our manager tells us this is not a cheesy thing to do.” Joey McIntyre, your manager is a liar. He’s also lying when he says that all band are required by law to fart in each band member’s mouth twice weekly. Be careful.

3) Schmoozing. Heh.

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We can’t breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early – we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream “ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!” at him during Lovebug!

Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who’s like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly – THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!

We should all be grateful that Barack Obama was voted as the next president of America, you know, because the inauguration parties are just going to be so much better.

We mean it. Do you know what the inauguration party would have involved if John McCain had been voted as president? Four hours of borderline-racist country music and a halfhearted rendition of Overdosin’ by Heidi Montag, that’s what.

But Barack Obama? His inauguration party is going to rule. Every single celebrity on the planet, from Diddy to Matt Damon to Pamela Anderson, wanted Barack Obama to be president – and even a few non-celebrities too (hello Meg Ryan!) – and, by the look of it, they’re all going to be playing shows to mark Obama’s first day.

So far Jay-Z, The Beastie Boys, Mary J Blige, Beyonce, Shakira, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, TI, Bruce Springsteen, U2, Usher, Nelly, T-Pain, Rufus Wainwright, Maroon 5, Rihanna, the surviving members of The Beatles, Mozart’s brain in a jar and the man who invented the Birdseye Potato Waffle television jingle are all going to be playing inauguration shows in Washington for Barack Obama. But that raises just one question – what about the kids?

What about the kids indeed. Just because they’re too young to be a part of – or even fully understand – the process of democracy, the children of America need to celebrate Obama’s victory as well, because they are the future of America. They are the future of America and they need to be given a dedicated show that’ll commemorate that fact in as lofty and momentous terms as can be humanly possible.

Or, failing that, The Jonas Brothers will just wiggle their hair at them until they start involuntarily urinating down themselves. People reports:

The Presidential Inaugural Committee announced Tuesday that the pop-rock trio will headline the Kids’ Inaugural: We Are the Future concert, which honors military families, on Jan. 19 at the Verizon Center. The Jonas Brothers will perform along with Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray, Bow-Wow and Demi Lovato during a kid-friendly show hosted by Michelle Obama.

In many ways, The Jonas Brothers performing a show to mark the inauguration of President Obama is a genius idea – it’s a touching gesture to the generation that will now look to Malia and Sasha Obama as role-models. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are playing this show because they’re Malia and Sasha’s second-favourite band. Their first-favourite band – Swedish black metal combo Satanic Slaughter – unfortunately had prior commitments.

However, at least by playing this concert The Jonas Brothers are marking their place in history. Now, when future generations ask you “Do you remember when the first African-American president was appointed into office?” you can reply “Yes I do. It was the day after that concert that was so awful it made me want to take my own life.” Happy days.

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But her actual love? That’s a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who’s been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless.

This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well – something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.

Keep it to yourself, but the divorce between Guy Ritchie and Madonna might have actually been quite a good idea in retrospect. While they were married, Guy Ritchie made some of the worst films in history and Madonna… well, she made some of the worst films in history too, but there’s nothing particularly new about that.

But since the divorce, everything has changed. There’s a fighting chance that Guy Ritchie’s new Sherlock Holmes movie won’t be an absolute dogturd, and Madonna seems revitalised by her new freedom. Not only is she openly discussing her feelings now, but it seems like she’s edging her supposed relationship with Alex Rodriguez closer and closer into the public eye.

True, Madonna isn’t spending Thanksgiving with Alex Rodriguez, but yesterday she gave him the next best thing – a front row seat at her Sticky And Sweet concert in Miami. And one of the good seats, too – one where where you can see every vein pulsing in her labia underneath whatever borderline-illegal excuse for a leotard she’s decided to wear.

More than that, though, Madonna also treated Alex Rodriguez to something that literally dozens of gay South African men would kill for – she personally serenaded him. According to reports, as well as exchanging shy little glances through the concert, Madonna kept her eyes trained on Alex Rodriguez throughout the duration of You Must Love Me, welling up with tears when A-Rod smiled back at her.

By the way, we’re not sure if Madonna chose You Must Love Me because the title forms part of her sci-fi brainwashing of Alex Rodriguez or not. We’re guessing she did, because she similarly maintained eye contact with Rodriguez throughout two new songs: Hey, How About A Bit Of Foreplay Now And Again and Take The Rubbish Out, Slave.

Anyway, tender unspoken dedications weren’t the only thing that Madonna had in store for Alex Rodriguez during her concert. May we present to you the single most nightmarishly disgusting sentence ever published on hecklerspray, courtesy of The New York Daily News:

In a couple of hotter moments, Madge gyrated in A-Rod’s direction while winking at him and later went pneumatic on a speaker while staring his way.

Pneumatic. Gyrated. Winking. Bleurgh. We’d just like to apologise for any nausea, mental dislocation, shrieking night terrors, exploding eye haemorrhoids, dizziness, murderous rages or gout brought on by that last sentence. Remember, the New York Daily News wrote it, not us.

Still, though, so long as Madonna and Alex Rodriguez are happ… no. No we can’t do it. No funny last sentence here – we’re genuinely going to vomit. Sorry.

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It. Was. Incredible. In front a crowd of thousands at Madonna’s Dodger Stadium concert, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake not only performed onstage together but – after three seconds in each other’s company – fell hopelessly in love again, instantly curing Britney of all her mental problems in the process.

Or Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake both avoided each other as much as humanly possible backstage, crawled onstage separately for one brief duet with Madonna each and then hightailed out of the stadium the moment they were done so they wouldn’t have to spend a second longer in the vicinity of each other than they had to. Still, anything that takes people’s minds off Madonna’s grotty undercrackers, eh?

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were so right for each other, weren’t they? If only they’d stuck together the world would have been spared so much heartache.

Imagine – Britney Spears wouldn’t have married Kevin Federline or had any of his children, so she’d have never had that breakdown where she locked one of the kids in a bathroom until she was taken to a psychiatric hospital and diagnosed as Gravely Disabled. Justin Timberlake would have literally stopped Britney Spears from going mad.

And, on the other hand, if Britney stuck with him, Justin Timberlake would have never made that Cry Me A River video, which was a bit shit. Everyone’s a winner.

So when it was announced yesterday that Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were reuniting for a Madonna Concert in Los Angeles last night, the world collectively gasped a little. Could they? Would they? Would we be seeing Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears bury the hatchet and perform together? Wouldn’t that be like the pop version of the Berlin Wall coming down? Wouldn’t it?

Well, yes, if you’re an idiot we suppose it would. Instead, though, E! Online reports what actually happened:

Spears, clad in black pants, a white tuxedo-style shirt and black heels, shared the spotlight with Madonna on “Human Nature”… Meanwhile, Madge’s erstwhile makeout partner skedaddled from the stage long before Timberlake appeared to duet with the belle of the ball on their Hard Candy tune “4 Minutes.” We hear that Spears, surrounded by bodyguards, immediately took off following Timberlake’s appearance.

So, OK, the big reunion that Ryan Seacrest was carping on about like a madman was a bit of a letdown. But at least it wasn’t all disappointment for Madonna’s audience – sure, the fabled Spears/ Timberlake performance didn’t materialise, but at least there were plenty of technical and lighting difficulties on the night.

So whatever else did or didn’t happen, at least they weren’t treated to constant Jumbotron images of Madonna’s grisly old genitals grinding up and down a microphone stand like footage from an old illegal 1950s documentary about meat production. Audience wins again!

Why? Because Madonna plans to have two very special guests performing with her – Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. If Madonna pulls it off, it has the potential to be the messiest reunion in history – don’t forget that all three of them have had their tongue inside Britney Spears’ mouth at one point or another, with the possible exception of Britney Spears.

If you ask us, this reeks of publicity stunt. And not even a good one – if Madonna really wanted people to go to her show tonight she wouldn’t just stop at Justin Timberlake – she’d hire everyone Britney Spears has ever slept with. Britney and Justin? Pah. Britney and Justin and Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib and that guy Britney married for like half an hour? All voguing like their lives depended on it? Now we’re talking.

What do Madonna, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake have in common? Quite a lot, actually – they’re all successful popstars, for one. And they’re all keen on a spot of religious outrage – Madonna has pretended to be Jesus in the past, Britney Spears once seduced a priest on an album cover and Justin Timberlake is perhaps best known for his hit single I Did A Shit In A Bible.

Also, they’ve got a bit of a tricky history, sexually. Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears were a couple for a number of years, Madonna and Britney Spears kissed with tongues at an awards show and Justin Timberlake managed to keep his dinner down while watching Madonna grind about in a manky pair of knickers on the set of the Four Minutes video – the nearest a boy like him can be expected to get to having sex with gristley old Madonna these days.

And because of that, if Madonna, Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears ever got together, we’d expect the result to be completely unpleasant for all involved. Let’s just hope that never happens.

Actually, scrap that. It is happening. According to reports, Madonna has engineered a three-way reunion between her, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake at her concert at Dodger’s Stadium tonight. OK! reports:

On Wednesday afternoon, Ryan Seacrest called in to local radio station KIIS FM, and broke the news that both Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears will take the stage together with Madonna tomorrow night when she performs at Dodger Stadium as. “I couldn’t wait to tell you this,” Seacrest said. “If Justin and Britney end up on that stage with her [Madonna]… I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything quite like that before.”

Sounds good in principle, but we’re really just worried that the stress of the reunion will just bring out the worst in each performer. You know, Britney Spears could have a psychotic bald-headed relapse, Madonna could regress to her Body of Evidence days and – worst of all – Justin Timberlake could start thinking that he’s funnier than he actually is again. Gratuitous middle-aged nudity and harrowing mental trauma we can stand, but not an impromptu Timberlake stand-up set.

Also, let’s hope the promise of Madonna reuniting with both Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake is enough to get people to buy up the remaining tickets for tonight’s concert, otherwise Madonna will have to pull out another big reunion with someone from her past to make it even more exciting. And we’ve got a funny feeling that’d be Sandra Bernhard. Gree.

It was Stu Heritage and Chris Laverty screaming in unison because they simultaneously dreamt that Madonna’s wrinkled old lady hands were wrapping around their throats with the full intent of murder. Needless to say the lights stayed on the rest of the night, and that Holiday song was taken off of subliminal repeat.

Incidentally, their joined screams were rather beautiful together – would anybody have guessed that Stu is a tenor? Well he really is.

Sarah Palin may know what it’s like to lie awake nights with the constant fear of Madonna hobbling into her room like an old lady and whacking her with a cane until her collarbone breaks or something – because Madge has continued her onstage assault of her, recently announcing she’s going to kick the Governor’s ‘ass.’

If we were gonna pay to see a celebrity fight it would be one where Denise Richards had to fight a hungry anaconda. Richards would get num-chucks and trampolines to work with, and the snake would get a machete. It’d be a good match. We’d pay $20. Just something to think about Pay-Per-View – Act now while Richards is still unemployed.

Until that Hollywood fight-fantasy comes true, unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for Madonna physically assaulting America’s possible #2 in charge. As previously reported, Madonna has already banned Sarah Palin from her concerts, but now ol’ gap-tooth threatened to, you know. During a concert she  said as much. Here’s some specifics from MTV.com:

“The pop icon, in the midst of her Sticky & Sweet Tour, continues to keep politics center stage, launching an impromptu campaign against the Republican vice-presidential nominee, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, during shows in New York and New Jersey last week. Madonna first banned the governor from the tour. In between sets, she screamed, “Sarah Palin can’t come to my party! Sarah Palin can’t come to my show!” As the week progressed, Madonna even threatened to “kick her ass.”"

Big words from an adoptive mother with ugly hands, poor acting ability and who’s recently decided that marriage is for people who don’t want to boink everyone the world over.

Our words, not hers.

For the record, after she said she’s gonna beat up Palin for not moving or something, the singer said it’s “nothing personal, I love her soul.” Pretty weird, really. It gets weirder.

Half a verse into Like a Virgin Madonna stopped, raised her clutched hand to the rafters and said:

“This I swear – one day I shall make Sarah Palin’s down syndrome baby mine! I will raise it to a life of politics, and then finance it’s eventual run for presidency on the Democratic ballot. Only then will I rest. Only then will I find solace and reprieve!”

Well that is just the strangest thing we have ever heard Madonna say with her own lips that nobody made up especially not us. We wouldn’t lie like that – it’s not in our nature. It’s not usually in our nature. It’s in our nature but we didn’t lie this time.

Believe what you will.

Now please enjoy a video of Madonna influencing voters in a way that only 50 year old arm-flab can:

Janet Jackson has been cancelling swathes of concerts on her current Rock Witchu tour because of a mystery illness that suddenly took hold five minutes before a show in Canada. The fact alone that nobody would reveal the illness was a cause for consternation – but now we know.

Janet Jackson has been suffering from migraine-associated vertigo. We’re sure that Janet Jackson’s fans are all completely sympathetic to this diagnosis – don’t forget that symptoms of vertigo include nausea, vomiting and difficulty standing – all of which will be familiar to anyone who witnessed Janet Jackson pop a nork out during the Super Bowl halftime show of 2004.

Janet Jackson’s mystery illness has been a cause for concern for quite some time now. Last month in Canada Janet Jackson cancelled a show at the eleventh hour and was rushed to hospital. The lack of immediate diagnosis, coupled with the fact that Janet Jackson then cancelled further concerts, became quite the cause for concern.

Was Janet Jackson seriously ill? Had she come down with cancer? Did she have a dicky ticker? Was it time for her to update her will to include her imaginary teenage daughter? Or, conversely, was Janet Jackson just doing that thing her brother Michael does where he conveniently gets quite ill whenever he’s asked to do something he doesn’t feel like?

Maybe we’ll never know. Or maybe Janet Jackson’s spokesperson has now revealed exactly which illness she’s suffering from in quite specific detail. Which one is it, huh? Huh? Oh, the second one. E! Online reports:

“After a thorough medical evaluation, it has been confirmed that Janet’s symptoms are being caused by a rare form of migraine called vestibular migraine or migraine-associated vertigo for which she is currently receiving treatment,” read a statement released by Jackson’s camp and obtained by E! News.

Well that’s a weight off everyone’s mind, at least. Janet Jackson isn’t seriously ill after all – she’s just got a bit of a headache.

Actually in all seriousness it’s quite easy to see how Janet Jackson could develop something like migraine-associated vertigo. Now that she’s on tour, she spends her nights standing in front of gigantic blasts of thrashing noise, and that probably caused havoc with her inner ear.

Oh, no, wait, sorry – this is Janet Jackson we’re talking about, isn’t it. Her concerts actually involve her whispering the word ’sexy’ over and over during several songs that all sound like a mouse farting on top of a broken wind-up clock. That probably wouldn’t do much to her inner ear at all, in retrospect. God knows what’s up with her.

Still, we hope that Janet Jackson makes a speedy recovery from this vertigo that’s been blighting her tour so badly. Hopefully she’ll be able to get over this illness, complete all her shows and get back to what she does the best – making albums that nobody even pretends to notice any more. Attagirl, Janet.

And, as such, we’re fully expecting Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin to be inconsolable now that Madonna has decided to ban her from her concerts. According to reports, Madonna told her New Jersey audience on Saturday that Sarah Palin wasn’t welcome at any of her shows.

But Sarah Palin isn’t called Sarah Barracuda for nothing, and so she’s gone on the counter-attack. Madonna doesn’t want to see Sarah Palin at any of her concerts? Fine – but if we were Madonna we wouldn’t be expecting an invitation for Sarah Palin’s next ’shoot a wolf from a helicopter and saw off its leg for the bounty’ party. Your loss, Madonna. Your loss.

Well, famous people, you’ve finally done it now. Thanks to all your meddling – all your intense interviews and sort of spinning around in the garden tantrums – you’ve finally done it good and proper. John McCain has never been so far behind in the election polls, and that means Sarah Palin will never get to be president of America. We hope you’re proud.

What’s Sarah Palin going to do now? Without all the razzle dazzle of an election campaign, things are going to get awfully boring for Sarah Palin. There are only so many times you can field dress a moose before you run out of moose to field dress, and things could even get so dull that Sarah Palin might have to resort to making sure her teenage daughter doesn’t have any more unprotected sex for entertainment. Boring!

But of course there’s one thing that Sarah Palin could do to relieve her boredom – she could go to a Madonna concert. Sure, Madonna’s not really Sarah’s kind of music, and all that pretending to be Jesus thing is sort of icky, but if she’s got nothing better to do then, doggone it, what’s she got to lose?

Except Sarah Palin can’t go a Madonna concert. Ever. Because Madonna has decided to ban her from all of her concerts ever. She even said so herself, as the New York Post reports:

At one point during the US kickoff of her “Sticky and Sweet” tour at the Meadowlands Saturday night, the Material Mom indulged her Republican-hating ways, shouting, “Sarah Palin can’t come to my party. Sarah Palin can’t come to my show. It’s nothing personal.” Then the kabbalah queen told the crowd, “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin’s husband’s snowmobile when it won’t start,” followed by a loud screeching noise.

Brilliant. In fact, we’d even go as far as to say that Madonna should give up this music lark and take her ‘impressions of things that Sarah Palin owns when they malfunction’ tour on the road full-time. We’d love to hear all the old classics like “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin’s washing machine when it won’t work – bombabombabomba,” or “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin trying to put on a shoe that’s too small for her – ick-ick-ick-ick-ick,” or the enduring favourite “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin’s TV breaking down in the middle of Desperate Housewives – YARRRR!”

But, whatever, Sarah Palin can’t go to Madonna’s concert. Big deal. Sarah Palin is far too much of a lady to pay to watch a 50-year-old woman desperately try and recapture her youth by singing a number of generic popsongs with her vagina hanging out.

Now, if that vagina had wolves hanging out of it and Sarah Palin had a shotgun and a helicopter – different story altogether.

Although Janet Jackson has left the hospital that she admitted herself to after suddenly falling ill before a concert on Monday, she’s still decided to cancel upcoming concerts in Boston and Philadelphia while she recuperates. Meanwhile, the nature of Janet Jackson’s illness has yet to be revealed.

Did you get all that? There was a lot of complex information just there, so we’ll reiterate in much simpler terms – nobody knows. Nobody knows what’s been going on with Janet Jackson. And nobody cares. Nobody knows and nobody cares. And if you care you’re an idiot. Idiot.

We’ll give you the good news first, and then the better news. The good news is that Janet Jackson has left hospital. On Monday night, when Janet Jackson suddenly fell ill and was hospitalised right before a concert, there were fears that Janet had succumbed to some sort of incredibly serious disease.

But it’s OK, because she didn’t stay in hospital for long enough for that to be feasible, as E! Online reports:

According to Rebecca Burns, a spokeswoman for the hospital, the 42-year-old Grammy winner “was discharged after a few hours.” Burns declined to elaborate on the singer’s condition, citing patient confidentiality rules. In a brief statement, the singer’s publicist did not address her ailment but said Jackson “is recuperating.”

A few hours? That’s how long it takes to even get seen in a hospital, isn’t it? If you went to hospital for a few hours anywhere around here you’d spend the entirety of that time sitting on an uncomfortable plastic chair watching Cash In The Attic repeats on a TV with the volume turned down next to a coughing old lady.

If Janet Jackson was only in hospital for a few hours, chances are she hung around for a bit, listened to a doctor say “There’s nothing wrong with you. Stop wasting my time,” and went home again. She’s going to be OK!

However, that’s not something we can say for sure, because nobody is disclosing what Janet Jackson’s illness actually is. Based on highly scientific arbitrary guesswork, though, we think we’ve narrowed down Janet Jackson’s mystery illness to one of the following:

* Gout

* Green Monkey Disease

* Dandy-Walker Syndrome

* Uveomeningoencephalitic Syndrome

* Probably, like, a cold or something

Oh, we promised you better news, didn’t we? Well, the better news is that following her hospitalisation, Janet Jackson has cancelled her concerts in Boston and Philadelphia.

That means that up to 4,000 boyfriends in each area will now get to breathe a sigh of relief because they will no longer be dragged to a bloody Janet Jackson concert when they could be doing something more constructive, like picking their belly buttons or seeing how long they can hold one of their eyes open for before it starts to hurt.

And if there’s one thing worse than going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada, it’s getting ready to go to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada and then finding out you can’t because Janet Jackson’s gone and been struck by some sort of super mystery illness.

Which is what happened last night, as it happened. Five minutes before the opening act of Janet Jackson’s concert in Montreal was set to take the stage, Janet ’suddenly fell ill’ and had to go to hospital. Nobody would say what illness Janet Jackson had, although it’s thought to be the rare Nogoodalbumsfortwodecades Syndrome. Or it might be something serious, in which case – whoops.

Janet Jackson must be glad she kept that secret teenage daughter of hers a secret, because there could be a chance that Janet’s going to need to start harvesting her organs before long.

Why? Because that bout of the sniffles that wrecked Janet Jackson’s SNL appearance in March has escalated into a full-blown mystery illness that has disappointed literally dozens of Canadian Janet Jackson fans. Well, disappointed is a strong word. And so is dozens, for that matter.

Anyway, the point is that Janet Jackson suddenly got ill right before a concert last night and had to cancel the show. BBC News reports:

The 42-year-old had to cancel her Montreal show after she “got suddenly ill” during her sound check, her publicists said. Jackson was being monitored at an unnamed hospital but no further details of her condition have been released.

Are you getting this? Janet Jackson is ill with a disease that’s a secret in a hospital that’s unknown in a country that nobody cares about. Don’t any of you say we never give you the facts.

For the time being, Janet Jackson hopes to reschedule her cancelled concert – leading us to believe that she’s either not that seriously ill at all or that she plans to surprise the population of Montreal in the future with a number of sexy dance routines performed inside an iron lung attached to a stationary bleeping piece of hospital equipment.

Hopefully it’ll be the first one, otherwise we’re going to look a right bunch of dicks.

The most frequent and purposefully headline grabbing of these has to be their ‘new Oasis’ tag, a label that seems fairly at odds with a band initially known for the strength of their Scottish accents, but one that does at least have a little weight.

Discovered by Alan McGee? Check. While playing third on the bill at King Tut’s Wah Wah Hut in Glasgow? Check. Fronted by brothers? Check. Purveyors of moody, shouty anthems? Check, check and check again.

Of course, those kind of easy links are a record label’s dream, and the clamour won by Columbia for the signatures of the band has drummed up a fire and safety-busting capacity (and then some) crowd at the comparably small Scala in King’s Cross.

There is genuine excitement in the air tonight, and although it’s competing with some industrial strength sweat and stale beer, the emotion is palpable and appealing.

There’s even a smoke machine to the left of the stage, pumping out the first tendrils of Glasvegas’ dark image, and as they stride out to their trademark Phil Spector wall of sound, everyone is ready for an ‘event’.

Bassist Paul Donoghue and Rab Allen are first out, followed by Rab’s brother and lead singer James – all black jeans, tee shirts and sunglasses a la The Jesus And Mary Chain, an obvious influence in both style and sound.

Caroline McKay takes up her standing stance at the drums, echoing The Velvet Underground’s Moe Tucker (another big influence) as the sparse, driving beats kick into Flowers And Football Tops.

The effect is immediate, and as James Allen’s powerful voice punches into the crowd against a backdrop of huge lights and album artwork, the stadium-sized songs expand The Scala’s walls into a festival headlining slot.

Sounding as if Dion and The Belmonts have taken to the terraces, the band rattle through their mini rock n roll epics at pace, including It’s My Own Cheating Heart That Makes Me Cry and single Geraldine before everyone joins in with the anthemic ‘here we fucking go’ of Go Square Go.

Album track Ice Cream Van is stretched out in My Bloody Valentine tribute fashion, proving Glasvegas are certainly more than rockabilly revivalists, and by the time they close the set with their biggest number, Daddy’s Gone, the audience are at such fever pitch that Allen stops playing to give them their own chorus.

After just 40 minutes, Glasvegas have gone, leaving the front row to fight over set lists. There’s little doubt that the desired ‘event’ was well and truly delivered by a band that not only looked but sounded the part too, and with a string of bigger dates in the UK and US, it seems the only question now is ‘who the fuck are Oasis?’

Despite the all the threats against his life, Paul McCartney and his 5,000 bodyguards finally played their long-awaited peace concert in Israel last night, with no disruption whatsoever from fanatical snipers or would-be suicide bombers or whatnot. Paul McCartney lives to fight another day!

Of course, Paul McCartney’s masterstroke was to address both sides of the Middle East conflict in their own language right at the start of the concert. First McCartney opened with “Shalom, Tel Aviv, shana tova, ahlan!” giving the crowd the traditional Hebrew greeting ahead of Monday’s Rosh Hashanah celebrations. Then he added “Ramadan kareem” which, as we all know, is Arabic for “Not the face! Not the face!”

When you’ve been around for as long as Paul McCartney, you don’t worry about little things like fanatical death threats. That’s because, when you reach an age where death could come just as easily from a fall on an icy street, a sudden loud noise behind you or a faulty walk-in bath, Islamic extremists just seem noisy and a little attention-seeking in comparison.

That’s why, although threats were made against his life when he announced last night’s concert in Israel, Paul McCartney vowed to play on regardless, with his only defence being his music and the 5,000 bodyguards he hired to protect him from everything.

And play on he did. In photos taken a few hours before the concert, you can see no sign of anxiety on Paul McCartney’s face at all. Although, actually, it might have been there – Paul McCartney’s face now resembles a 3D representation of Edvard Munch’s The Scream sculpted from a bucket of week-old porridge so perfectly these days that we haven’t got a clue what’s going on with it – but we’ll guess there wasn’t.

And Paul McCartney was right not to worry either, because in the end the concert came off without a single assassination attempt. E! Online reports:

McCartney then unleashed a string of hits from both his Beatles and Wings days, among them “I’ll Follow the Sun,” “Live and Let Die,” “Back in the U.S.S.R.,” “Yesterday,” “Jet,” “Drive My Car,” “All My Loving,” “Eleanor Rigby,” and, of course, his signature sing-along “Hey Jude.” The concert, which boasted two encores and many, many wild standing ovations, lasted about two and a half hours.

No wonder Paul McCartney got such a wild reception – as well as songs by The Beatles and Wings, Paul also managed to spin some brand-new material into the show, like the just-written Don’t Blow Me Up, along with others like Please Don’t Blow Me Up, Think Of My Children (I Beg of You) and the fan favourite in-waiting Don’t Bloody Blow Me Up I’m Paul McFuckingCartney.

So we can all agree that Paul McCartney’s Israel concert was as epic and statesmanlike as it could have possibly been, and all because he thought to address both the Jewish and Arab sides of the argument in their native languages. It’ll backfire for sure when the Greek Orthodox gang realise they they didn’t get a shout-out and send over a suicide squad to finish Paul McCartney off once and for all, but hey ho.

And because of this, Paul McCartney’s concert tonight in Israel is shrouded with danger. Islamic extremists are apparently so determined to kill Paul McCartney tonight that nobody is taking any chances – which is why 5,000 bodyguards have been hired to surround Paul McCartney at all times during his visit. That’s even more that George Bush needed.

The message of this is clear – although he takes the death threats incredibly seriously, Paul McCartney will not deprive the Israeli people of his music. The other message, of course, is that Paul McCartney’s got so many bouncers around him at the moment that there won’t be anyone working the door of your local nightclub tonight, so you could probably get away with jeans and trainers if you wanted.

Paul McCartney has played some important concerts in his life – Shea Stadium, The Super Bowl, Red Square – but none have been quite as important as tonight’s concert in Tel Aviv. That’s because religious extremists didn’t decide to promote any of the other concerts by promising that Paul McCartney would get blown up by the middle of the second half.

Islamic fanatics have threatened to kill Paul McCartney if his concert tonight in Israel goes ahead. You see, to them Paul McCartney is the ultimate icon of western opulence and his death would be as heavily symbolic to the world as the events of 911. Also, they’re totally pissed off that Paul McCartney never responded to their letter asking if they could use Wonderful Christmastime as their theme tune.

But Paul McCartney has refused to cancel tonight’s concert, believing that not singing C Moon to a load of middle-aged Jewish people would literally be as bad as dying anyway. So McCartney’s decided to do the next best thing instead – he’s hired 5,000 bodyguards. The Mirror reports:

The vast security for Sir Paul McCartney’s Tel Aviv concert tonight even dwarfs the protection given to President Bush when he visited Israel. A 5,000-strong security team will ensure Macca, 66, is watched around the clock in the wake of death threats from Islamic fanatics. A massive security army guarding Macca includes 20 agents from Israel’s elite Mossad intelligence organisation as well as officers from Britain’s MI6.

He’s just playing it safe, of course – Paul McCartney doesn’t need all that security. He has his own ways of stopping the terrorists, like launching into a 20-minute version of Hey Jude so utterly tedious that it’ll knock any religious extremist into a deep slumber for up to a week. He could achieve a similar effect by playing any song from his last three albums, but the risk is just too high – these fanatics aren’t people you’d want to anger, remember.

And anyway, we’re only assuming that Paul McCartney will be playing the concert tonight. For all we know he could be sending on a stand-in in his place. For all we know that could be your nan up on stage tonight. Don’t pretend you could tell the difference.

No, instead, the concert in Israel could be Paul McCartney’s last because a gang of Islamic extremists are running around telling everyone that they’re going to kill him if he follows through with his plan to play there.

However, Paul McCartney has shown admirable strength of character by refusing to bow to these religious fanatics. In fact, if anything this death threat has just strengthened Paul McCartney’s resolve – not only will he play the concert in Israel, but he’s even going to turn it into a live album, entitled Paul McCartney Live Behind Six Inches Of Reinforced Plexiglass Inside A Sealed Lead Box Surrounded By Several Bodyguards And At Least A Couple Of Tanks.

You know what offends Islamic fundamentalists the most about the west? No, it’s not our consumerist lifestyles, our swaggering cultural dominance or our free and easy attitudes to sex and stimulants – it’s the bloody Frog Song.

Seriously, al Qaeda didn’t even exist until Paul McCartney wrote The Frog Song. There they were, Osama bin Laden, Ayman al-Zawahiri and Abu Hamza, all sitting round the kitchen table discussing the Pauly Shore movie Biodome when – bam! – all of a sudden The Frog Song by Paul McCartney came on the radio and everyone more or less instantly decided to bring western civilisation to its knees. True story.

Since then, the terrorists have been determined to finish Paul McCartney off, and now it looks like they might have their chance. Next Thursday Paul McCartney is going to play a concert in Tel Aviv, which would be fine except for all the Islamic extremists carping on about killing him if he does. But, as The New York Times reports, McCartney is unbowed:

Paul McCartney has refused to cancel his concert in Israel, despite threats from Islamic militants, the Israeli newspaper Haaretz reported. The response follows comments made by Omar Bakri Muhammad, a militant Lebanese Islamic activist, in an interview. Mr. Bakri said, “If he values his life, Mr. McCartney must not come to Israel… He will not be safe there. The sacrifice operatives will be waiting for him.”

Oh God, this is worse than we thought. Paul McCartney is relevant again. Ugh.

Anyway, it’s absolutely right that Paul McCartney should play on in Israel despite the death threats. If he can see off threats from Gordon Ramsay he can definitely see off threats from organised terrorist groups. You know what they say – if Israelis aren’t being charged through the nose to listen to an old man with a face like a ruptured hot water bottle sing a load of 40-year-old songs in a way that can’t even come close to replicating the original versions before being relentlessly hounded to buy an overpriced programme and tour T-shirt then the terrorists have won.

Actually, Paul McCartney should be safe, because terrorism experts have already dismissed the death threats as not credible. For some reason the Islamic activists sort of went off the idea of blowing up Paul McCartney’s car with a mortar as soon as they realised that he’d divorced Heather Mills and she wouldn’t be coming with him. Funny that.

Anyway, let’s just hope that Paul McCartney remains safe duing his time in Israel. Not because we care about him or anything, but with John Lennon already shot and George Harrison already stabbed, can you imagine what an obnoxious bighead Ringo Starr would turn into if Paul McCartney got blown up by a terrorist and he was the last one left? God, it’d be unbearable.