If you were asked to sum up the Jackson family, how would you do it? Some people might call them the greatest collection of siblings who ever entered a recording studio. Others might comment on how inferior Janet and LaToya were compared to Tito, Jermaine and Randy.

Most people would say that the entire family were complete fruit loops.

However, we’d like to comment on how the Jackson family manage to pick the worst possible time for any new release. A brand new greatest hits album from Michael followed weeks after heart went all funny and of course, there was the tribute concert that was accidentally scheduled at the same time as the Dr. Conrad Murray trial. Some would say this was done for financial gain.

Cynical, cynical people.

As we all know, ‘Sexy’ Dr.Conrad Murray was convicted for administering all sorts of funky drugs into Michael Jackson. That should be it as far as we’re concerned. The poor sod’s rotting corpse can now get some peace. But not if the Jackson estate and pesky Brian May get their way.

Musical collaborations happen all the time. Most of them are a poor excuse for one of the artists to leech on to someone more successful than themselves and climb the ladder toward popularity again. Nowadays, people don’t do it for the love of the music; instead it’s for soundtracks where, if it the song turns out to be a disaster, everyone will have forgotten about it months later.

It’s safe to say that some collaborations have been safely locked away where nobody will ever get a chance to hear them. Probably because they’re rubbish. One such recording that was made in the eighties – a time that’s renowned for crap music- was between the king of pop Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury.

These days he wouldn’t get a look in. We have Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol for God’s sake.

Nowadays, Queen are fronted by Brian May, a man who is most famous for playing on the roof of the Queen’s house and demonstrating that white people can’t pull off an afro. Speaking about the potential release that ironically didn’t feature his input the first time, he said:

“The Michael Jackson estate are happy for us to go ahead with the music. But it’s not something that we can rush.”

Well that’s good to know isn’t it? A song from 1983 is going to be given a technical modern remix thanks to a bunch of old men providing some guitar work. We’re positive it’s what Michael would have wanted. But why release this now and not when Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury were alive? Surely this stinks of a cash in? According to the floppy haired one, it supposedly isn’t. May said:

“I don’t work on things with the aim to make money or for promotional reasons. I work on things with the view ‘to let’s see how it goes. When it is something we feel is worthwhile then it’s nice if we could get it out there.”

We pray that this release doesn’t get a release. With Michael Jackson and Queen fans not being mentally stable, this single will only spark off the apocalypse and see them kill off anyone who doesn’t appreciate “the musical genius”.

Thankfully, no release date has been set. But when we get news, we’ll let you know so you can gather supplies and lock yourself in an underground bunker.

So, this week marks the 20th anniversary of the release of Nirvana’s Nevermind LP. As such, it’s pretty much being regarded as grunge’s 20th birthday too, although, most of you will regard the start of the scene to be a much earlier date.

We even wrote about it, not that you cared. See? We can still bitch and whine like a first-rate grunge kid. YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND US!

Anyway, to celebrate this occasion, there’ll be a special airing of the full Paramount Theatre show in Seattle filmed back in 1991. You can watch it streamed live today!

The Paramount concert, transferred from 16mm film, is the only known Nirvana concert shot to film and will also be aired for a special showing this Halloween on Monday, October 31st.

Of course, a DVD/Blu-Ray of the show is available to buy which is all Hi Def and that nonsense. As we didn’t get offered a free promotional copy, we’re loathed to talk about it in too much detail.

Anyway. You want to watch a Nirvana show on your computer?

Well, it’ll be available to watch in its entirety on Vevo, 27th September from 5pm in the UK for a 24 hour period only.

Sort it. Click here.

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A fresh, rejuvenated, rehabilitated Amy Winehouse has made the difficult decision to cancel her entire European tour after the entire internet has spent the week laughing at her inability to perform a song that she wrote all by herself during a recent gig in Belgrade.

Confirmation came on Sunday that Ms Winehouse had cancelled performances in Istanbul and Athens. The singer had been due to perform right across Southern Europe as part of her triumphant, if understated, comeback tour.

The decision to can the remaining shows came after the thinking person’s Peter Doherty was booed at the Belgrade concert for slurring her words and appearing incoherent and… well… a little bit pissed throughout the performance.

We could make jokes about the fact that her staunch refusal to go to rehab from the song ‘Rehab’ now seems to have come back round to punch he career in the face but we’re not ‘those people’.

Amy has now officially cancelled all 12 dates of her upcoming tour, which would have seen her performing in Austria, Italy, Poland, Spain, Switzerland, Romania and Hungary throughout the summer. A spokesman for the singer and her management stated:

“Amy Winehouse is withdrawing from all scheduled performances, everyone involved wishes to do everything they can to help her return to her best and she will be given as long as it takes for this to happen.”

It is not known whether or not refunds will be offered to those poor, gullible idiots that didn’t see this coming and whether they will be keeping the money of the ghouls who bought tickets with the solitary goal of seeing a woman with severe addiction problems falter horribly in front of an excitable crowd.

After time spent in London’s Priory Clinic at the end of May, the singer was said to be continuing her recovery as an outpatient however, her recent slump in Belgrade suggests that she might have tumbled off the wagon only to be trampled by the horses of the other fifteen wagons that she’s fallen off on her way to that one.

Of course, you ghoulish lot didn’t click on this story to read our words, did you? You clicked it in order to have an excuse to gaze in wide-eyed delight at a woman completely screwing up her career based on the advice of an entourage of sharks. Well, we’re not here to disappoint you so here’s Amy Winehouse “performing” ‘You Know That I’m No Good’ during the Belgrade gig. Ironically, she wasn’t.

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Former husband 0f Courtney Cox and alleged actor David Arquette was thrown out of a Prince concert recently for committing the heinous crime of taking photos of ‘The Artist’ in his true, lizard form.

The singer has a notorious ‘no photography’ rule at his shows designed to protect him from the damage his reputation could take if the wider public was to see him in his true form.

However, Arquette managed to get his silly self into an altercation with security at the singer’s ‘Welcome 2 America’ shows at the Los Angeles Forum when a young boy flouted the singer’s no photography rule. The real pain of Arquette’s story is that this ‘altercation’ came straight after Prince had told the crowd they were allowed to take pictures.

Unfortunately, the snapping of Arquette’s phone set off security’s ‘Automatic Camera Detector’ and they were all over him like a cheap suit within seconds.

Prince still sells out arenas despite no-one truly knowing what he looks like. The mysterious singer is said to be able to hold his human form just long enough to take publicity shots but apparently hitting his stride during ‘Kiss’ renders it almost impossible not to revert back to the form which is natural to him.

Ignoring this obvious fact, David articulately said:

“Prince was like, ‘Alright, I’m about to play my hits, so get out your phones’. I didn’t take anymore pictures but the kid next to me was taking pictures and I still had my phone in my hand.

That’s not all though, folks!

“Security came to take this kid away and they said, ‘You gotta get rid of all those pictures on your phone.’ I said, ‘Prince just said we could take the pictures.’ And so I got kicked out of the Prince show.”

Unfortunately for Mr Arquette the usual response of ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ was greeting with bemused humming and frantic googling before they booted him anyway for having married that annoying tit from that awful sitcom. He was forced, like everyone else who has ever attended a Prince gig, to sign a non-disclosure agreement to ensure that the reptile-faced singer will never be discovered by the American government who would take him away and experiment on him.

Prince was said to be mortified by the news that yet another washed-up celebrity had been removed from his show. In 2006, Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) was forcibly removed from a Prince show for attempting to ‘tea bag’ the singer from a great height and in 2008 Alfonso Ribeiro tried to revive his popularity as Carlton Banks by doing his famous dance on stage. He was beaten to within an inch of his life by security.

It was brutal.

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There are some songs that just shouldn’t be covered. A lot of people would agree that Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit was one of those.

But not Miley Cyrus.

Miley decided that she was the perfect person to belt out a borderline sacrilegious version of the Nirvana classic, on her latest tour.

Wearing a skin tight cat suit and stripper heels, Cyrus began to writhe and grind her way through the high tempo grunge track in front of a stunned audience comprising mainly of children who don’t have a clue who Nirvana were and parents who probably loved Nirvana and are now collectively picturing Kurt Cobain’s headless corpse spinning in its grave.

Maybe Miley is just trying to bring a long forgotten cultural identity back into the modern zeitgeist; after all, her father was very successful in doing the same thing to the mullet at the height of his career.

And let’s not forget that Miley herself has no doubt got a whiff of Teen Spirit about her too, what with all the pictures of her smoking suspicious looking substances from bongs and wearing less clothes than it’s probably legal for anyone to see in a photograph… even if it is on her MySpace profile.

Undoubtedly Courtney Love is probably calling in the lawyers as we speak, trying to figure out just how much of Miley’s fortune she’s now entitled to before she has her killed.

But until then, for those of you that can stand it, here is the video of Miley Cyrus breaking a generation of Achey, Breaky Hearts by covering Smells Like Teen Spirit.

Let’s just hope she can keep her head about her for the next few years.

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Joaquin Phoenix, we knew you wouldn’t let us down. Some may have dismissed your new rap career as a joke, but not us.

We know exactly what you’re capable of, and your debut show on Friday night in Las Vegas did us proud. But then again, Joaquin Phoenix rapping onstage after a career tutorial by Diddy couldn’t really be anything other than spectacular.

And the result – a bearded man shouting incomprehensible rubbish like a homeless tramp screaming at his own reflection and then falling off the stage – was the dictionary definition of spectacular. Joaquin Phoenix, you’re our hero. Video? Yes, there’s video.

If we were trapped on a sinking hot air balloon with every celebrity on Earth, and we had to throw all but one overboard to keep us afloat, it’s looking increasingly likely that we’d keep Joaquin Phoenix. The man is such good value we’d be idiots to jettison him.

Everything Joaquin Phoenix does is solid gold entertainment (with the exception of most of his films, obviously. We’re not idiots). Whether he’s asking reporters if frogs are eating his brains, announcing his retirement from acting in the most shambolic, humourless way possible or scrawling ‘BYE! GOOD’ across his fists to reinforce that point, Joaquin Phoenix never fails to make our jaw drop in utter disbelief, like he’s Punking the world, but he forgot to tell anyone first.

But last week, everything that Joaquin Phoenix had ever done became obsolete. Because last week Joaquin Phoenix decided to become a rapper, got World’s Worst Rapper Diddy to teach him how to rap and then asked Ben Affleck‘s little brother to make a documentary about his new career. And we can completely see why – the documentary would be like Rocky; a heartwarming film about a man who nobody took seriously but went on to become a champion against all the odds.

Or at least it would be like Rocky, if Rocky was three minutes long, didn’t make any sense whatsoever and ended up with Sylvester Stallone toppling out of the ring before he could even look Apollo Creed in the eye.

That’s right – Joaquin Phoenix’s debut show as a rapper took place on Friday night, and it would have been memorable for being an incoherent, shapeless mess – were it not for the fact that Joaquin Phoenix actually fell off the stage at the end. Here are those videos we promised you…

We’re going to go out on a limb here – Joaquin Phoenix has peaked. There is nothing he can do that will ever top him mumbling about fire and then falling over. What you’re watching here is a master on top of his game. This is absolutely as good as it gets.

You know, at least until Joaquin Phoenix releases his rap album. And there aren’t enough words in the English language that can tell you how much we’re looking forward to that.

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Have you ever dreamed of having New Kids On The Block perform at your child’s birthday party? You have?

Well hold that thought for a couple of months. Because, at the rate they’re going, New Kids On The Block would probably do it for pennies before too long. And that’s because New Kids On The Block have signed up for a concert on a cruise ship.

Sure, they’ll be surrounded by shuffling old pensioners who stink of piss and can’t remember their own names – but we’re sure that the other passengers will get used to New Kids On The Block eventually.

Let’s play a game of Worst Thing Imaginable. First you need to remember New Kids On The Block – the 1980s boyband who you’d feel uneasy about leaving your car keys with. Remembered them? Good. Now age them all by 20 years so they resemble Albert Steptoe, Herman Munster, latter-era Donny Osmond, an extra from the set of Goodfellas and Harry Potter on crystal meth respectively. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Sounds like the Worst Thing Imaginable.

Well it’s not. Now we want you to imagine being trapped in a giant floating tin can with the haggard old New Kids On The Block. Worst Thing Imaginable? No – now we want you to imagine that you’re hundreds of miles from dry land, and that there are sharks in the water so you can’t jump out and swim to save yourself, and most mornings you keep bumping into Danny Wood in the breakfast queue and he keeps trying to engage you in conversation. Congratulations, you’ve reached the Worst Thing Imaginable.

And for some lucky holidaymakers, it’s about to be their Worst Thing Imaginable. After reforming last year and managing to stay together long enough to produce a photo, a haphazard live TV appearance and an album, New Kids On The Block have decided that the only thing left for them to do is become tawdry cruise ship entertainers.

Now, true, the common image of a cruise ship entertainer is that of a plump, desperately unhappy former star trying and failing to recapture whatever glory he ever had by murmuring along to a backing tape in front of a tinselly backdrop, but New Kids On The Block absolutely stand by their decision to play their cruise ship concert, as the New York Daily News reports:

“Our manager tells us this is not a cheesy thing, this is not a step back,” says Joey McIntyre in the video. And Jordan Knight wants fans to know his birthday falls during the cruise dates, on May 17. “I’ll be looking for presents,” he says. The New Kids ship hits the water from May 15-18, launching from Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., then heading to the Bahamas. It will include musical performances and schmoozing.

OK, three things:

1) When Jordan Knight says he wants presents, he actually means food. The New Kids On The Block are very hungry, and their deal on the cruise ship included either beds or food and they chose beds. So, please, if you’re going on this cruise, don’t forget to spare Jordan Knight a ham or a couple of carrots or something.

2) “Our manager tells us this is not a cheesy thing to do.” Joey McIntyre, your manager is a liar. He’s also lying when he says that all band are required by law to fart in each band member’s mouth twice weekly. Be careful.

3) Schmoozing. Heh.

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Next week is undoubtedly going to be truly historic – The Jonas Brothers are playing a free concert! Squeeeeee!

We can’t breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early – we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream “ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!” at him during Lovebug!

Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who’s like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly – THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!

We should all be grateful that Barack Obama was voted as the next president of America, you know, because the inauguration parties are just going to be so much better.

We mean it. Do you know what the inauguration party would have involved if John McCain had been voted as president? Four hours of borderline-racist country music and a halfhearted rendition of Overdosin’ by Heidi Montag, that’s what.

But Barack Obama? His inauguration party is going to rule. Every single celebrity on the planet, from Diddy to Matt Damon to Pamela Anderson, wanted Barack Obama to be president – and even a few non-celebrities too (hello Meg Ryan!) – and, by the look of it, they’re all going to be playing shows to mark Obama’s first day.

So far Jay-Z, The Beastie Boys, Mary J Blige, Beyonce, Shakira, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, TI, Bruce Springsteen, U2, Usher, Nelly, T-Pain, Rufus Wainwright, Maroon 5, Rihanna, the surviving members of The Beatles, Mozart‘s brain in a jar and the man who invented the Birdseye Potato Waffle television jingle are all going to be playing inauguration shows in Washington for Barack Obama. But that raises just one question – what about the kids?

What about the kids indeed. Just because they’re too young to be a part of – or even fully understand – the process of democracy, the children of America need to celebrate Obama’s victory as well, because they are the future of America. They are the future of America and they need to be given a dedicated show that’ll commemorate that fact in as lofty and momentous terms as can be humanly possible.

Or, failing that, The Jonas Brothers will just wiggle their hair at them until they start involuntarily urinating down themselves. People reports:

The Presidential Inaugural Committee announced Tuesday that the pop-rock trio will headline the Kids’ Inaugural: We Are the Future concert, which honors military families, on Jan. 19 at the Verizon Center. The Jonas Brothers will perform along with Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray, Bow-Wow and Demi Lovato during a kid-friendly show hosted by Michelle Obama.

In many ways, The Jonas Brothers performing a show to mark the inauguration of President Obama is a genius idea – it’s a touching gesture to the generation that will now look to Malia and Sasha Obama as role-models. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are playing this show because they’re Malia and Sasha’s second-favourite band. Their first-favourite band – Swedish black metal combo Satanic Slaughter – unfortunately had prior commitments.

However, at least by playing this concert The Jonas Brothers are marking their place in history. Now, when future generations ask you “Do you remember when the first African-American president was appointed into office?” you can reply “Yes I do. It was the day after that concert that was so awful it made me want to take my own life.” Happy days.

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Madonna has never been shy about displaying her love, and by ‘love’ we obviously mean ‘grotty old lady vagina’.

But her actual love? That’s a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who’s been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless.

This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well – something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.

Keep it to yourself, but the divorce between Guy Ritchie and Madonna might have actually been quite a good idea in retrospect. While they were married, Guy Ritchie made some of the worst films in history and Madonna… well, she made some of the worst films in history too, but there’s nothing particularly new about that.

But since the divorce, everything has changed. There’s a fighting chance that Guy Ritchie’s new Sherlock Holmes movie won’t be an absolute dogturd, and Madonna seems revitalised by her new freedom. Not only is she openly discussing her feelings now, but it seems like she’s edging her supposed relationship with Alex Rodriguez closer and closer into the public eye.

True, Madonna isn’t spending Thanksgiving with Alex Rodriguez, but yesterday she gave him the next best thing – a front row seat at her Sticky And Sweet concert in Miami. And one of the good seats, too – one where where you can see every vein pulsing in her labia underneath whatever borderline-illegal excuse for a leotard she’s decided to wear.

More than that, though, Madonna also treated Alex Rodriguez to something that literally dozens of gay South African men would kill for – she personally serenaded him. According to reports, as well as exchanging shy little glances through the concert, Madonna kept her eyes trained on Alex Rodriguez throughout the duration of You Must Love Me, welling up with tears when A-Rod smiled back at her.

By the way, we’re not sure if Madonna chose You Must Love Me because the title forms part of her sci-fi brainwashing of Alex Rodriguez or not. We’re guessing she did, because she similarly maintained eye contact with Rodriguez throughout two new songs: Hey, How About A Bit Of Foreplay Now And Again and Take The Rubbish Out, Slave.

Anyway, tender unspoken dedications weren’t the only thing that Madonna had in store for Alex Rodriguez during her concert. May we present to you the single most nightmarishly disgusting sentence ever published on hecklerspray, courtesy of The New York Daily News:

In a couple of hotter moments, Madge gyrated in A-Rod’s direction while winking at him and later went pneumatic on a speaker while staring his way.

Pneumatic. Gyrated. Winking. Bleurgh. We’d just like to apologise for any nausea, mental dislocation, shrieking night terrors, exploding eye haemorrhoids, dizziness, murderous rages or gout brought on by that last sentence. Remember, the New York Daily News wrote it, not us.

Still, though, so long as Madonna and Alex Rodriguez are happ… no. No we can’t do it. No funny last sentence here – we’re genuinely going to vomit. Sorry.

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Last night, just about the biggest thing in the world happened – Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake reunited for Madonna.

It. Was. Incredible. In front a crowd of thousands at Madonna’s Dodger Stadium concert, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake not only performed onstage together but – after three seconds in each other’s company – fell hopelessly in love again, instantly curing Britney of all her mental problems in the process.

Or Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake both avoided each other as much as humanly possible backstage, crawled onstage separately for one brief duet with Madonna each and then hightailed out of the stadium the moment they were done so they wouldn’t have to spend a second longer in the vicinity of each other than they had to. Still, anything that takes people’s minds off Madonna’s grotty undercrackers, eh?

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were so right for each other, weren’t they? If only they’d stuck together the world would have been spared so much heartache.

Imagine – Britney Spears wouldn’t have married Kevin Federline or had any of his children, so she’d have never had that breakdown where she locked one of the kids in a bathroom until she was taken to a psychiatric hospital and diagnosed as Gravely Disabled. Justin Timberlake would have literally stopped Britney Spears from going mad.

And, on the other hand, if Britney stuck with him, Justin Timberlake would have never made that Cry Me A River video, which was a bit shit. Everyone’s a winner.

So when it was announced yesterday that Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were reuniting for a Madonna Concert in Los Angeles last night, the world collectively gasped a little. Could they? Would they? Would we be seeing Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears bury the hatchet and perform together? Wouldn’t that be like the pop version of the Berlin Wall coming down? Wouldn’t it?

Well, yes, if you’re an idiot we suppose it would. Instead, though, E! Online reports what actually happened:

Spears, clad in black pants, a white tuxedo-style shirt and black heels, shared the spotlight with Madonna on “Human Nature”… Meanwhile, Madge’s erstwhile makeout partner skedaddled from the stage long before Timberlake appeared to duet with the belle of the ball on their Hard Candy tune “4 Minutes.” We hear that Spears, surrounded by bodyguards, immediately took off following Timberlake’s appearance.

So, OK, the big reunion that Ryan Seacrest was carping on about like a madman was a bit of a letdown. But at least it wasn’t all disappointment for Madonna’s audience – sure, the fabled Spears/ Timberlake performance didn’t materialise, but at least there were plenty of technical and lighting difficulties on the night.

So whatever else did or didn’t happen, at least they weren’t treated to constant Jumbotron images of Madonna’s grisly old genitals grinding up and down a microphone stand like footage from an old illegal 1950s documentary about meat production. Audience wins again!

If you’re a fan of awkward sexually-charged small-talk, you could do a lot worse than getting to Madonna’s concert in Los Angeles tonight.

Why? Because Madonna plans to have two very special guests performing with her – Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. If Madonna pulls it off, it has the potential to be the messiest reunion in history – don’t forget that all three of them have had their tongue inside Britney Spears’ mouth at one point or another, with the possible exception of Britney Spears.

If you ask us, this reeks of publicity stunt. And not even a good one – if Madonna really wanted people to go to her show tonight she wouldn’t just stop at Justin Timberlake – she’d hire everyone Britney Spears has ever slept with. Britney and Justin? Pah. Britney and Justin and Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib and that guy Britney married for like half an hour? All voguing like their lives depended on it? Now we’re talking.

What do Madonna, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake have in common? Quite a lot, actually – they’re all successful popstars, for one. And they’re all keen on a spot of religious outrage – Madonna has pretended to be Jesus in the past, Britney Spears once seduced a priest on an album cover and Justin Timberlake is perhaps best known for his hit single I Did A Shit In A Bible.

Also, they’ve got a bit of a tricky history, sexually. Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears were a couple for a number of years, Madonna and Britney Spears kissed with tongues at an awards show and Justin Timberlake managed to keep his dinner down while watching Madonna grind about in a manky pair of knickers on the set of the Four Minutes video – the nearest a boy like him can be expected to get to having sex with gristley old Madonna these days.

And because of that, if Madonna, Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears ever got together, we’d expect the result to be completely unpleasant for all involved. Let’s just hope that never happens.

Actually, scrap that. It is happening. According to reports, Madonna has engineered a three-way reunion between her, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake at her concert at Dodger’s Stadium tonight. OK! reports:

On Wednesday afternoon, Ryan Seacrest called in to local radio station KIIS FM, and broke the news that both Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears will take the stage together with Madonna tomorrow night when she performs at Dodger Stadium as. “I couldn’t wait to tell you this,” Seacrest said. “If Justin and Britney end up on that stage with her [Madonna]… I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything quite like that before.”

Sounds good in principle, but we’re really just worried that the stress of the reunion will just bring out the worst in each performer. You know, Britney Spears could have a psychotic bald-headed relapse, Madonna could regress to her Body of Evidence days and – worst of all – Justin Timberlake could start thinking that he’s funnier than he actually is again. Gratuitous middle-aged nudity and harrowing mental trauma we can stand, but not an impromptu Timberlake stand-up set.

Also, let’s hope the promise of Madonna reuniting with both Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake is enough to get people to buy up the remaining tickets for tonight’s concert, otherwise Madonna will have to pull out another big reunion with someone from her past to make it even more exciting. And we’ve got a funny feeling that’d be Sandra Bernhard. Gree.

At a mandatory hecklerspray retreat we all had to attend, have fun at or be fired, everybody woke up to a horrible fright.

It was Stu Heritage and Chris Laverty screaming in unison because they simultaneously dreamt that Madonna‘s wrinkled old lady hands were wrapping around their throats with the full intent of murder. Needless to say the lights stayed on the rest of the night, and that Holiday song was taken off of subliminal repeat.

Incidentally, their joined screams were rather beautiful together – would anybody have guessed that Stu is a tenor? Well he really is.

Sarah Palin may know what it’s like to lie awake nights with the constant fear of Madonna hobbling into her room like an old lady and whacking her with a cane until her collarbone breaks or something – because Madge has continued her onstage assault of her, recently announcing she’s going to kick the Governor’s ‘ass.’

If we were gonna pay to see a celebrity fight it would be one where Denise Richards had to fight a hungry anaconda. Richards would get num-chucks and trampolines to work with, and the snake would get a machete. It’d be a good match. We’d pay $20. Just something to think about Pay-Per-View – Act now while Richards is still unemployed.

Until that Hollywood fight-fantasy comes true, unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for Madonna physically assaulting America’s possible #2 in charge. As previously reported, Madonna has already banned Sarah Palin from her concerts, but now ol’ gap-tooth threatened to, you know. During a concert she  said as much. Here’s some specifics from MTV.com:

“The pop icon, in the midst of her Sticky & Sweet Tour, continues to keep politics center stage, launching an impromptu campaign against the Republican vice-presidential nominee, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, during shows in New York and New Jersey last week. Madonna first banned the governor from the tour. In between sets, she screamed, “Sarah Palin can’t come to my party! Sarah Palin can’t come to my show!” As the week progressed, Madonna even threatened to “kick her ass.”"

Big words from an adoptive mother with ugly hands, poor acting ability and who’s recently decided that marriage is for people who don’t want to boink everyone the world over.

Our words, not hers.

For the record, after she said she’s gonna beat up Palin for not moving or something, the singer said it’s “nothing personal, I love her soul.” Pretty weird, really. It gets weirder.

Half a verse into Like a Virgin Madonna stopped, raised her clutched hand to the rafters and said:

“This I swear – one day I shall make Sarah Palin’s down syndrome baby mine! I will raise it to a life of politics, and then finance it’s eventual run for presidency on the Democratic ballot. Only then will I rest. Only then will I find solace and reprieve!”

Well that is just the strangest thing we have ever heard Madonna say with her own lips that nobody made up especially not us. We wouldn’t lie like that – it’s not in our nature. It’s not usually in our nature. It’s in our nature but we didn’t lie this time.

Believe what you will.

Now please enjoy a video of Madonna influencing voters in a way that only 50 year old arm-flab can:

For a few weeks the corner of the world that still cares about Janet Jackson has been asking one question – what’s wrong with the woman?

Janet Jackson has been cancelling swathes of concerts on her current Rock Witchu tour because of a mystery illness that suddenly took hold five minutes before a show in Canada. The fact alone that nobody would reveal the illness was a cause for consternation – but now we know.

Janet Jackson has been suffering from migraine-associated vertigo. We’re sure that Janet Jackson’s fans are all completely sympathetic to this diagnosis – don’t forget that symptoms of vertigo include nausea, vomiting and difficulty standing – all of which will be familiar to anyone who witnessed Janet Jackson pop a nork out during the Super Bowl halftime show of 2004.

Janet Jackson’s mystery illness has been a cause for concern for quite some time now. Last month in Canada Janet Jackson cancelled a show at the eleventh hour and was rushed to hospital. The lack of immediate diagnosis, coupled with the fact that Janet Jackson then cancelled further concerts, became quite the cause for concern.

Was Janet Jackson seriously ill? Had she come down with cancer? Did she have a dicky ticker? Was it time for her to update her will to include her imaginary teenage daughter? Or, conversely, was Janet Jackson just doing that thing her brother Michael does where he conveniently gets quite ill whenever he’s asked to do something he doesn’t feel like?

Maybe we’ll never know. Or maybe Janet Jackson’s spokesperson has now revealed exactly which illness she’s suffering from in quite specific detail. Which one is it, huh? Huh? Oh, the second one. E! Online reports:

“After a thorough medical evaluation, it has been confirmed that Janet’s symptoms are being caused by a rare form of migraine called vestibular migraine or migraine-associated vertigo for which she is currently receiving treatment,” read a statement released by Jackson’s camp and obtained by E! News.

Well that’s a weight off everyone’s mind, at least. Janet Jackson isn’t seriously ill after all – she’s just got a bit of a headache.

Actually in all seriousness it’s quite easy to see how Janet Jackson could develop something like migraine-associated vertigo. Now that she’s on tour, she spends her nights standing in front of gigantic blasts of thrashing noise, and that probably caused havoc with her inner ear.

Oh, no, wait, sorry – this is Janet Jackson we’re talking about, isn’t it. Her concerts actually involve her whispering the word ‘sexy’ over and over during several songs that all sound like a mouse farting on top of a broken wind-up clock. That probably wouldn’t do much to her inner ear at all, in retrospect. God knows what’s up with her.

Still, we hope that Janet Jackson makes a speedy recovery from this vertigo that’s been blighting her tour so badly. Hopefully she’ll be able to get over this illness, complete all her shows and get back to what she does the best – making albums that nobody even pretends to notice any more. Attagirl, Janet.

As we all know, there’s nothing that strongly-religious wilderness-dwelling female politicians like more than having a 50-year-old vajuju repeatedly into their faces.

And, as such, we’re fully expecting Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin to be inconsolable now that Madonna has decided to ban her from her concerts. According to reports, Madonna told her New Jersey audience on Saturday that Sarah Palin wasn’t welcome at any of her shows.

But Sarah Palin isn’t called Sarah Barracuda for nothing, and so she’s gone on the counter-attack. Madonna doesn’t want to see Sarah Palin at any of her concerts? Fine – but if we were Madonna we wouldn’t be expecting an invitation for Sarah Palin’s next ‘shoot a wolf from a helicopter and saw off its leg for the bounty’ party. Your loss, Madonna. Your loss.

Well, famous people, you’ve finally done it now. Thanks to all your meddling – all your intense interviews and sort of spinning around in the garden tantrums – you’ve finally done it good and proper. John McCain has never been so far behind in the election polls, and that means Sarah Palin will never get to be president of America. We hope you’re proud.

What’s Sarah Palin going to do now? Without all the razzle dazzle of an election campaign, things are going to get awfully boring for Sarah Palin. There are only so many times you can field dress a moose before you run out of moose to field dress, and things could even get so dull that Sarah Palin might have to resort to making sure her teenage daughter doesn’t have any more unprotected sex for entertainment. Boring!

But of course there’s one thing that Sarah Palin could do to relieve her boredom – she could go to a Madonna concert. Sure, Madonna’s not really Sarah’s kind of music, and all that pretending to be Jesus thing is sort of icky, but if she’s got nothing better to do then, doggone it, what’s she got to lose?

Except Sarah Palin can’t go a Madonna concert. Ever. Because Madonna has decided to ban her from all of her concerts ever. She even said so herself, as the New York Post reports:

At one point during the US kickoff of her “Sticky and Sweet” tour at the Meadowlands Saturday night, the Material Mom indulged her Republican-hating ways, shouting, “Sarah Palin can’t come to my party. Sarah Palin can’t come to my show. It’s nothing personal.” Then the kabbalah queen told the crowd, “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin’s husband’s snowmobile when it won’t start,” followed by a loud screeching noise.

Brilliant. In fact, we’d even go as far as to say that Madonna should give up this music lark and take her ‘impressions of things that Sarah Palin owns when they malfunction’ tour on the road full-time. We’d love to hear all the old classics like “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin’s washing machine when it won’t work – bombabombabomba,” or “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin trying to put on a shoe that’s too small for her – ick-ick-ick-ick-ick,” or the enduring favourite “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin’s TV breaking down in the middle of Desperate Housewives – YARRRR!”

But, whatever, Sarah Palin can’t go to Madonna’s concert. Big deal. Sarah Palin is far too much of a lady to pay to watch a 50-year-old woman desperately try and recapture her youth by singing a number of generic popsongs with her vagina hanging out.

Now, if that vagina had wolves hanging out of it and Sarah Palin had a shotgun and a helicopter – different story altogether.

Janet Jackson’s mystery illness hasn’t got any less mysterious over the last 24 hours, but it might have gone away – unless it hasn’t.

Although Janet Jackson has left the hospital that she admitted herself to after suddenly falling ill before a concert on Monday, she’s still decided to cancel upcoming concerts in Boston and Philadelphia while she recuperates. Meanwhile, the nature of Janet Jackson’s illness has yet to be revealed.

Did you get all that? There was a lot of complex information just there, so we’ll reiterate in much simpler terms – nobody knows. Nobody knows what’s been going on with Janet Jackson. And nobody cares. Nobody knows and nobody cares. And if you care you’re an idiot. Idiot.

We’ll give you the good news first, and then the better news. The good news is that Janet Jackson has left hospital. On Monday night, when Janet Jackson suddenly fell ill and was hospitalised right before a concert, there were fears that Janet had succumbed to some sort of incredibly serious disease.

But it’s OK, because she didn’t stay in hospital for long enough for that to be feasible, as E! Online reports:

According to Rebecca Burns, a spokeswoman for the hospital, the 42-year-old Grammy winner “was discharged after a few hours.” Burns declined to elaborate on the singer’s condition, citing patient confidentiality rules. In a brief statement, the singer’s publicist did not address her ailment but said Jackson “is recuperating.”

A few hours? That’s how long it takes to even get seen in a hospital, isn’t it? If you went to hospital for a few hours anywhere around here you’d spend the entirety of that time sitting on an uncomfortable plastic chair watching Cash In The Attic repeats on a TV with the volume turned down next to a coughing old lady.

If Janet Jackson was only in hospital for a few hours, chances are she hung around for a bit, listened to a doctor say “There’s nothing wrong with you. Stop wasting my time,” and went home again. She’s going to be OK!

However, that’s not something we can say for sure, because nobody is disclosing what Janet Jackson’s illness actually is. Based on highly scientific arbitrary guesswork, though, we think we’ve narrowed down Janet Jackson’s mystery illness to one of the following:

* Gout

* Green Monkey Disease

* Dandy-Walker Syndrome

* Uveomeningoencephalitic Syndrome

* Probably, like, a cold or something

Oh, we promised you better news, didn’t we? Well, the better news is that following her hospitalisation, Janet Jackson has cancelled her concerts in Boston and Philadelphia.

That means that up to 4,000 boyfriends in each area will now get to breathe a sigh of relief because they will no longer be dragged to a bloody Janet Jackson concert when they could be doing something more constructive, like picking their belly buttons or seeing how long they can hold one of their eyes open for before it starts to hurt.