Simon Cowell isn’t looking as old as he used to. Sure, he’s looking weirder than he used to, but that’s clearly down to American dentistry, leaving him looking like a boiled potato with some dentures jammed in.

While you may think the music mogul/overlord has been under the surgeon’s knife, well, you may well be right. We’ve no idea. We’re more interested in the news that he’s been swigging a magic potion to thwart the ravages of time.

But is it so magic that it will reverse the ageing process so much that he will return to his baby form, gurgling and filling his high-waisted trousers with liquid green crap?

It has been reported (ergo, ‘made-up’ or ‘speculated’) that Cowell has TURNED HIS BACK ON BISCUITS (what kind of ghoul turns their back on biscuits?) in favour of becoming obsessed with an exotic smoothie.

Get that! A smoothie, but exotic!

Some source who has probably never even seen a picture of Cowell, let alone met him, assures us:

“He’s obsessed with staying healthy and wants to look after himself. The drink is an extension of that. It is not cheap to make and involves lots of hard-to-buy fruit which we need to take on the road. But for someone like Simon it is not a big deal if it costs a lot”

It probably contains unicorn tears and freshly squeezed rocking horse heart as well.

Apparently, this voodoo glug is made for Simon every day while he’s on the road for his travelling grief circus. And you want to know what’s in it don’t you?

Start shopping for lingonberry, acerola berry, choke berry and aronia juice, if indeed, they exist at all.

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Hark at this! The brand spanking new X Factor USA has finally started advertising itself and, despite shameless product placement, they’ve only gone and made an adspot that isn’t wholly awful. In fact, it’s almost charmingly witty. Although, Paula Abdul’s face takes the prize as funniest thing on the video. Anyway, here it is. Watch it with your eyes. It’s going to take over the world isn’t it?

What has Cheryl Cole done to get such unswerving favour from Simon Cowell? Seriously. He seems absolutely determined to make a superstar of her and it can’t solely be down to the fact she’s hard working, good looking and willing to do as she’s told.

We can only imagine the horrors that lie in his undercrackers which Cheryl has been faced with in order to become his right hand woman. Are we being too cynical?

Either way, with Cowell’s help, she’s become the Britain’s pop princess, hoping to leave behind all that Ashley Cole and Smacking A Toilet Attendant In The Face business. And now, thanks to her predictably landing one of the judging jobs on the American X Factor, she’s looking like she’s going to go global.

It looks like being a busy year for Cheryl as there’s rumours flying around that Girls Aloud are going to get back together for the London Olympics (which would be really, really great). It goes without saying that Cole’s rise to the top will be a massive sore point for the increasingly unpopular Nadine Coyle who just can’t seem to cut it without her GA chums (increasingly so as Nicola Roberts’ imminent solo LP is whipping up quite a lot of excitement).

Either way, Cheryl is going to be on the American version of the X Factor and we can now chunner about elocution lessons and the need for subtitles because, obviously, Americans are stupid and can’t pick a Northern English accent to pieces.

Think we’re exaggerating? Just remember that USTV had to stick subtitles on the last series of Skins, despite the fact that the whole cast is achingly middle class, and thereby, incredibly easy to understand.

Cole says:

“Americans are always really sweet about my accent and seem to find it intriguing, which I think is quite funny.”

Simon Cowell meanwhile referred to Cheryl, presumably fondly, as a “brat”

“I’m thrilled for Cheryl. She is massively excited about this show, and has been fantastic to work with. She is also a complete brat! Most importantly, this girl can spot talent.”

So there you have it. America is about to be on the receiving end of the British Invasion, pt2.

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Simon Cowell wants stuff. Feel free to replace the word stuff with ‘EVERYTHING’. He wants big houses, flashy cars, the systematic psychological destruction of  vulnerable human beings for entertainment purposes and he probably wants that sandwich you had for lunch earlier.

But what he really wants, more than anything the whole wide world is to launch his own version of Top of the Pops.

Remember Top of the Pops?  A British institution, designed to annoy parents and delight music lovers throughout the country. Well, until it went  a bit wrong and folk stopped buying records but regardless for a long time it was genius and we secretly wish it hadn’t gone away.

But before you get remotely excited, please remember that this comes from Simon Cowell’s greedy little mind, where just having something unique to the UK is never an option.

At a press conference he said:

“It’s not cost effective just doing it in the UK.”

“To do it properly it would need to be bigger than one country.”

So basically it will be a bastardised version of a once cool television show, filled with X-factor winners and ‘exclusives’ from mentally disturbed pop stars like Miley Cyrus and her creepy dad.

Of course he’s too busy for all this at the moment, what with X Factor USA, so don’t be expecting it right away:

“It’s for a year down the line”

In the shouty words of  Christian Bale:

“OH GOOD! GOOD FOR YOU!!”

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With The X Factor about to hit US shores (brace yourselves Americans – you won’t know what’s hit you once it gets going), every single celebrity – alive and dead – has been linked to the chairs of the judging panel.

Of course, this is all great news for Simon Cowell, who is so needy for the world’s attention, that once, he appeared on a children’s show dressed up as the world’s poshest super hero canine.

And someone else who likes to hang around with cartoon domesticated pets is Paula Abdul who has also been linked to The X Factor, which has delighted her eight fans and thrilled those who enjoyed her erratic appearances on American Idol.

Now, Cowell has stated that Abdul will be joining the new reality series, he’s quick to point out that nothing has been set in stone. Chances are, she won’t be on the judging panel, rather, she’ll make an appearance at the section of the show where the wannabes go to the judges ‘houses’ and have a little singing camp before they are asked to go through the ritual humiliation of the sing-off.

Which lasts forever.

Properly confirmed for the show are Girls Aloud’s Cheryl Cole (which must be a source of amazing irritation to Nadine Coyle) and recording brain, Antonio L.A. Reid. So who will get the golden fourth spot alongside Cowell and his impossible man tits and ultra-white teeth?

Simon’s rep says:

“Paula is one of many people Simon is talking to. There’s nothing new.”

One thing is for sure – Cowell won’t be joined on the X Factor by Sean Combs (Diddy, P.Diddy, Puff Daddy, Puffy, S. Diddles, Smedley Puft Marshmallow Man, Glebe Combly Man, Piffy Shin Bone, The Derby Area, etc), Mariah Carey, Cee Lo Green or Gloria Estefan.

Apparently, this process is as difficult as “casting a dinner party” and that under no circumstances, must the hideously still-faced Sharon Osbourne be allowed anywhere near him.

Or something.

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Taylor Momsen has been linked with the US X Factor job. So too has the tiny membered Enrique Iglesias. They’re poles apart aren’t they? One, a hokey, saccharine beige egg, the other, a tickle-me slut doll.

However, the most intriguing of the rumour pile is Nicki Minaj.

And why is she the most exciting? Mainly because she resembles a blow-up doll that has been designed by an anime loving Japanese psychopath with a fondness for Lil Kim. Who wouldn’t want to see something like that on their television every week?

According to the New York Post, Minaj – who starred in a video once saying that she ‘ate the box’ of Remy Ma – is in talks with Simon Cowell to become a judge on music competition show The X Factor.

And a word of warning Americans – you thought American Idol was guiltily fun and trashy? You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Seriously.

The X Factor is going to knock all your reality shows into a cocked hat and completely take over your lives and twitter feeds. Cowell is the master of must-see television (for better or worse).

Anyway, Minaj reportedly met with Cowell in L.A. to discuss the possibility of her coming on board and of course, she’d be a great addition because, firstly, she’d look great on TV and secondly, what with her being rather open about her bisexuality, we can hope that she shags absolutely everyone who goes near the show.

Provided they’re legal of course.

Keep your fingers crossed that Enrique doesn’t get it because… well… he’s more boring than a retired chest of drawers. No-one, apart from sexually jaded middle aged women want him on screen.

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Just when you thought X Factor was over, it reappears like that case of genital herpes you’ve been struggling with since you came back from that long weekend in Bognor. You disgust us.

Coincidentally ‘you disgust us’ was the reaction had by more than 1000 viewers of Saturday’s X Factor Final. But ‘Angry from Guildford’ isn’t calling up OFCOM to complain about the binning of Tesco Value Mary, or to ask just how the hell Katie Weasel was every allowed out of the womb, let alone onto TV.

Nor were they complaining about Matt ‘everyman blokey bloke better-decorator-than-singer’ Cardle winning the whole damn thing and promptly becoming wildly uninteresting.

No, they say there was too much RAUNCHINESS.  Too many SCANTILY clad women.  Too many gyrating PELVISES. Too much of EVERYTHING! This is 7pm on a Saturday, not one of those late night pornographically German skin movies or what ever they are.

Considering the final scored a massive 17.2 million viewers we can only assume that the complaints are from people who were, until Saturday unaware of Christina Aguilera and Rihanna.  They aren’t exactly known for singing ‘Kumbaya’ while dressed tastefully in gingham dresses.  Heck, Rihanna made an umbrella look alluring enough to curdle the loins.

A fella from OFCOM said

“we are assessing the complaints but are not currently investigating the show.”

He may have well have said ‘we’ve taken the phone of the hook so no more mentalists can call up and say the words ‘it wasn’t like this in my day”

We’re pretty conflicted here.  We love being outraged, it gets you reading us.  But we just can’t get upset about this.  We can’t stand on or internet orange box and shout “cover up those ankle you brazen hussy!” Nor can we deliver a good slagging to an impossibly small percentage of those who watched the show.

We tried to figure out the percentage, something like 0.0058% of people who watched the damn show were upset by it.  That’s probably a similar percentage of how many people watching were likely to have lizard tongues that they can catch flies with.

The real story on this is, why the hell are we writing about it?

We disgust us.

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Oh, you’re going to love this! That, or you’ll be bored. Or nonplussed. Whatever. You’ll definitely have some, or no response to some news about The X Factor. Okay? We’re cool now? Good.

When you’re in London, you’re only ever three feet away from someone saying that you’re three feet away from a rat and, likewise, The X Factor is never far away from someone muttering “fix”.

And the latest rumour won’t help matters. Treyc Cohen got booted off the show by judges, which saw people spitting feathers – feathers with swear words written on them. Oh, and there’s the small matter of people suggesting that Treyc received three times as many public voters as her bottom-two rival Katie Waissel.

Of course, everyone was super cheesed off (nonplussed/not bothered at all/etc) when Cheryl Cole refused to join in the vote, which of course, saw Treyc leaving the show. It was clear from the tension and… uh… abuse that ran thick through the air, that people weren’t just going to shrug and say “Oh well, it’s just a camp television show” and walk away.

No. The whole thing reeked of people phoning up Ofcom to complain.

And of course, they did, with more than 1,000 viewers shouting down the phone at someone from Ofcom like it was somehow their fault.

To make matters worse, figures show that, had Cheryl put the panel into deadlock, it would have been Katie who would have left the show as she’d considerably less votes than Treyc.

Treyc’s father waded in, spitting:

“X Factor isn’t about singing, it’s a freak show now.”

“I think Treyc has been let down by Cheryl. She knew Treyc was the better singer, but sat back and let her go. She knew she was already one down after Simon voted for Katie, but refused to balance the score. There should be an investigation into why Cheryl was allowed to refuse to vote.”

A bit much for someone who didn’t stand a chance of winning The X Factor in a million years.

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We all know that The X Factor is a big con, right? It’s poised and scripted to within an inch of its life. And in the thick of the scripts, there’s always been a definite feeling of certain acts who have the air of ‘ear-marked to win, for the sake of a narrative’.

One such act is Katie Waissel who, despite being thoroughly loathed, remains on the show and is crowed about by the judging panel.

And in the same way you can’t polish a turd with the kooky brush, you can’t make people like an act who couples a naked ambition with a sense of entitlement.

There’s a look in Waissel’s eye that already says “I’m a star”, despite toppling evidence to the contrary. She’s not even that quirky. She’s Eliza Doolittle going to a fancy dress party as Lady GaGa.

Of course, this won’t stop her unswerving belief that a life in pop music is her destiny and that, if haters gonna hate, then she must be doing something right… a bit like someone who continually tells themselves that they’re being singled out for being ‘original’ or ‘different’, when the truth is, they’re singled out for being a prick.

And it’s not surprising that the public can’t warm to her when (granted, probably made-up stories) are leaked to us, such as Waissel’s refusal to rehearse ahead of this weekend’s X Factor live show. This is when people completely suspend their disbelief and start thinking “You should be grateful for your platform! Little shit!”

Apparently, she’s also upset at the song chosen for her to perform on American Anthems week.

A source told the newspaper:

“She doesn’t like to rehearse. She won’t sing the song they give her, either.

“Right now, Katie is refusing to practise at all and says she would just prefer to go on stage and sing a song first pop.”

What’s the betting that Gamu is currently grinding her teeth to dust, furious at these jumped up squirts playing the diva card before they’ve even got the sniff of a proper career?

“It’s not ideal after she publicly broke down after escaping the bottom two again last week. She’s been told she needs to do a lot of work.

“After she was turned into the show clown last week, she is not having fun behind the make-up and insists her raw voice on the night is all she needs.”

As a result, she may be asked to leave the show (the reality is that she won’t because the producers know damn well that we like to tune in just to hate people), especially with the addition that Waissel delayed the video shoot for the show’s charity single.

That’s nice isn’t it?

And now, her family (who can clearly see through the murky allure of television) want Katie off the show.

She’s apparently been having panic attacks and was taken to the doctors for check-ups. However, so low is Waissel’s stock, that everyone is probably writing all this off as attention seeking rubbish.

And so, the democratic process of the show is clinging on for dear life. It’s obvious that she’ll be in the bottom two frequently and that the judges of the show will tend to favour her. What’ll be interesting is if she faces Wagner in a results show.

Which will win out? Our will to hate or our want to mock?

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It’s ludicrous that people watch The X Factor and expect to see a singing contest. It has been on television long enough for everyone to know exactly what it is all about – and that’s putting bums on sofas in front of the television. No more, no less. It’s as music based as WWE is a sport.

So berating it for anything is pointless and frankly boring. Yet that doesn’t stop some of you lot from being up-in-arms about the whole thing. Some people are in a constant state of outrage over the show. Some people won’t be happy ’til the show features nothing but dismal indie band who don’t mime and write their own rubbish songs.

And so, the faux-despair continues as people point at Wagner and demand some imagined fairness and stomp their pathetic, tantrummy feet about Cheryl Cole’s miming.

That’s right. People are glaring at Wagner Carrilho because he just won’t leave the show. Facebook campaigns have kicked off as ironists feel the need to keep the kooky Brazilian on the programme. Presumably, this means drumming up support in the hope that people will phone-in and cast their vote to really stick it to Simon Cowell!

YEAH! That’ll show him won’t it? Generating all that cash through an expensive voting system which goes straight into Simon Cowell’s pocket and encourages the belief that ITV should give him increasingly more lucrative contracts to stay on air!

Oh.

And some of these ridiculous Facebook groups are looking at this Wagner campaign in the same light as the stupid Rage Against the Machine campaign last year, which showed that the most pious and piddly people in Britain are the dregs of the indie disco dancefloor who have a point to prove… they’re just not quite sure what it is.

Naturally, there are some that really don’t get Wagner and want The X Factor to be some kind of fair talent show like we saw in an imagined golden period of ’70s light-entertainment. Not that the Clap-O-Meter was rigged in anyway. Nope. Not one bit.

Yet these people are angry that the nice John Adeleye was voted out of the competition and Wagner remained. At least Adeleye won’t be embarrassed when he gets back to work because his patients won’t even remember who he is (much like the rest of us in 6 months time).

Of course, it’ll be hard to forget Wagner’s incredible rendition of ‘Love Shack’ and ‘Living the Vida Loca’.

The real point here is that Wagner’s novelty factor won’t last forever and there’s already a palpable sense that people are tiring of the joke now. At least his continued existence gives us all the chance to picture him bearing down on Tesco Mary with an amorous look in his eye and an erection barely concealed by a grotty leopard print silk effect thong.

But at least he sings live, right?

Apparently, there’s more outrage surrounding the show about Cheryl Cole’s performance over the weekend. SHE MIMED! SHE MIMED! OH MY GOODNESS! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! HOW COULD SHE DO SUCH A THING?!

Miming has been a staple in the pop world for as long as it has been around. The Beatles have mimed on TV shows in the ’60s and millions of supposedly credible bands have mimed their way through countless Top of the Pops performances from year dot to its death.

Yet, for some reason, Cheryl Cole isn’t allowed to when performing on The X Factor.

And the most delicious irony in all this is that The X Factor machinery has realised that it can just as easily thrive on the negative energy thrown toward it. Like a self-destructive teenager, it owns a neediness that knows no bounds. There was a time when it genuinely wanted to create a new singing sensation… now it just wants your attention.

So, to all those outraged by whatever. Well done you. You keep The X Factor the oxygen it needs to live and those of us who take it for what it is – a really weird TV show – can continue to make stupid jokes on Twitter and arbitrarily pick contestants to kinda fancy.

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Mary Byrne is not a new televisual sensation. There’s a lot of people out there who thrill every time she sings on The X Factor because they’ve convinced themselves that, because she’s older/bigger-boned/not particularly good looking, she’s somehow ‘realer’ and more talented than the other contestants on the show.

The sad truth of the matter is, is that she’s a decent enough singer, but not a particularly great one. When she opened her mouth in the auditions, there wasn’t a Susan Boyle-esque ‘blooody hell’ moment. There was a moment of familiarity. She’s representing a million good karaoke singers from pubs across the world.

However, reports are suggesting that ‘Tesco Mary’ (PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT!) may be a bit different from the rest of the pub crooners in the world, and that’s because she’s got an incredibly rich company backing her.

Yes indeed. Showing that every little helps, Mary Byrne was caught up in a fix spat last night after the big cheeses at Tesco spent thousands trying to help their employee win on The X Factor.

The supermarket giant has been sending out email after email and countless reminders to the 300,000 workers to “vote Mary”, who of course, works at a checkout in a Dublin branch.

Over the weekend, Tesco also screened a TV advert in Ireland during the transmission of the show on TV3 saying “We’re behind Mary!”

Funnily enough, this was timed just as people had been asked to pick their phones up and vote for their favourite. A lot of fans of the show have been whining on message boards and the like, saying that all this help gives a distinctly average singer (in the scheme of things) an unfair advantage.

That said, if she were to stay in the show at the expense of the utterly hateful Katie Weasel, then you can be confident that we wouldn’t complain about this at all.

Last night, show bosses declined to comment but TV3 said the advert didn’t break any rules.

A Tesco spokesman said:

“We are fully supportive of Mary and so are her friends and colleagues at Tesco, but as to how anyone votes, that is up to them.”

One can only hope that all this doesn’t make too much of a difference to the show’s proceedings because… well… Simon Cowell & Co. would do a much better and much more thrilling job of fixing it, should the show need it. That last sentence there was put in for legal reasons you understand.

We keenly await Asda’s financial backing of Wagner.

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