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Simon Cowell Almost Put Genitals Into Paula Abdul

January 10th, 2012 By Euan L Davidson

Sometimes, you hear a piece of news that changes everything. Where were you when you heard about 9/11, for example? Do you remember the exact second you heard when Brookside was being cancelled? When Osama was killed? When Slobodan Milosevic was finally taken to task for his war crimes?

But this is next level.

Simon Cowell, the man with perfectly cube-shaped hair, has announced to anyone who’ll listen (idiots) that he almost, but didn’t, put his glans into the former American Idol judge and cat botherer Paula Abdul.

Sally Morgan’s Won’t Be Taking Test After Spirits Talked To Her In Her Ear Piece

November 1st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

“hecklersprayers, I’m getting a man. He’s got blondey-brown hair with a reddy tinge and he might wear glasses? Or shoes? His name begins with a D…no? An S? Still no-one? T? Ah yes. Is it Terry? Tommy you say. He says that he’s sorry and that he’s forgiven you.”

Which is the cue for the audience member to burst into tears and hail Sally Morgan as some modern day Jesus, except with a few more pounds in her bank account. He knows it’s not about the money, money, money. It’s all about the kick ass robes.

Which is what it’s been for years now. Sally Morgan has steadfastly made a name for herself as being an authentic psychic, even though there’s not really such a thing; Spreading messages from beyond the grave to bored housewives, people who should know better and professional vagina-heads Katie Price and Diana, Princess of Hearts (may she rest in peace… or, y’know, pestered by psychics in the afterlife).

Simon Cowell Has A Threesome, Hates Condoms And You Lose Your Lunch

September 8th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Fancy puking your ring up? Then continue reading because we’ve got an image to place in your mind that no amount of brain bleach will remove. This is the kind of thing that will haunt you ’til the day you die.

Simon Cowell has had a threesome.

Imagine that. His flaccid moobs being gently slapped by two separate ladies wearing see-through body stockings with enough hairspray to erase the protective gaseous layers on every planet in the solar system. Just think of that. His todger, flapping around to the sound of an expensive water bed while he mutters his dirty thoughts in their ears. JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.

Simon Cowell Wants To Reanimate His Own Corpse

August 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Should you be unlucky enough to live for the next 300 years, aside from the agony of reanimation, the clawing sense of disenfranchisement with our new ape leaders and, of course, the horrible realisation that you are a disappointment regardless of the time you live in, you might be on the end of a withering aside from Simon Cowell.

That’s right. The music molester has stated his desire to live forever and ever so he can belittle people long into our dark future.

Basically, he wants to have his body frozen after his death as “an insurance policy”, where in the distant future, he can hold a talent contest between cannibalistic apes to see which one can sing the best, while reintroducing the phrase ‘this means everything to me’ and getting some monkeys to cry about being orphaned by science, and that this Whitney Houston song got them through genetic experiments.

What’s All This About Simon Cowell And His Amazing Anti-Ageing Potion?

July 19th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Simon Cowell isn’t looking as old as he used to. Sure, he’s looking weirder than he used to, but that’s clearly down to American dentistry, leaving him looking like a boiled potato with some dentures jammed in.

While you may think the music mogul/overlord has been under the surgeon’s knife, well, you may well be right. We’ve no idea. We’re more interested in the news that he’s been swigging a magic potion to thwart the ravages of time.

But is it so magic that it will reverse the ageing process so much that he will return to his baby form, gurgling and filling his high-waisted trousers with liquid green crap?

Look! X Factor USA Is Imminent! Simon Cowell’s Nightmare In Video Proves It!

July 13th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hark at this! The brand spanking new X Factor USA has finally started advertising itself and, despite shameless product placement, they’ve only gone and made an adspot that isn’t wholly awful. In fact, it’s almost charmingly witty. Although, Paula Abdul’s face takes the prize as funniest thing on the video. Anyway, here it is. Watch it with your eyes. It’s going to take over the world isn’t it?

Cheryl Cole Predictably Gets American X Factor Gig

May 6th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

What has Cheryl Cole done to get such unswerving favour from Simon Cowell? Seriously. He seems absolutely determined to make a superstar of her and it can’t solely be down to the fact she’s hard working, good looking and willing to do as she’s told.

We can only imagine the horrors that lie in his undercrackers which Cheryl has been faced with in order to become his right hand woman. Are we being too cynical?

Either way, with Cowell’s help, she’s become the Britain’s pop princess, hoping to leave behind all that Ashley Cole and Smacking A Toilet Attendant In The Face business. And now, thanks to her predictably landing one of the judging jobs on the American X Factor, she’s looking like she’s going to go global.

Simon Cowell Ruins Top Of The Pops Forever

May 4th, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Simon Cowell wants stuff. Feel free to replace the word stuff with ‘EVERYTHING’. He wants big houses, flashy cars, the'systematic?psychological destruction of ?vulnerable human beings for entertainment purposes and he probably wants that sandwich you had for lunch earlier.

But what he really wants, more than anything the whole wide world is to launch his own version of Top of the Pops.

Remember Top of the Pops? ?A British institution, designed to annoy parents and delight music lovers throughout the country. Well, until it went ?a bit wrong and folk stopped buying records but regardless for a long time it was genius and we secretly wish it hadn’t gone away.

Simon Cowell Is Still Wary Of The Completely Insane Paula Abdul

April 26th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

With The X Factor about to hit US shores (brace yourselves Americans – you won’t know what’s hit you once it gets going), every single celebrity – alive and dead – has been linked to the chairs of the judging panel.

Of course, this is all great news for Simon Cowell, who is so needy for the world’s attention, that once, he appeared on a children’s show dressed up as the world’s poshest super hero canine.

And someone else who likes to hang around with cartoon domesticated pets is Paula Abdul who has also been linked to The X Factor, which has delighted her eight fans and thrilled those who enjoyed her erratic appearances on American Idol.

Nicki Minaj And Every Other Celebrity On Earth Is Linked With X Factor Gig

March 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Taylor Momsen has been linked with the US X Factor job. So too has the tiny membered Enrique Iglesias. They’re poles apart aren’t they? One, a hokey, saccharine beige egg, the other, a tickle-me slut doll.

However, the most intriguing of the rumour pile is Nicki Minaj.

And why is she the most exciting? Mainly because she resembles a blow-up doll that has been designed by an anime loving Japanese psychopath with a fondness for Lil Kim. Who wouldn’t want to see something like that on their television every week?