Computer Games - HecklerSpray

Sonic The Hedgehog To Reignite Your Inner Antisocial Moron

December 30th, 2011 By Robin Darke

He’s automatic! He’s systematic! He’s hydromatic! Why, he’s Sonic The Hedgehog actually and he’s coming to make you feel like an overgrown child-man once again.

Surely the slew of Sonic games over the past twenty or so years are enough for you? Together, we’ve gone from Green Hill Zone to Metal Egg Stage 1, we’ve Spinballed and even been to the Winter Olympics with that filthy Italian, surely the only thing left is Sonic and Blue Flashing Ghost from Pac-Man go to Lidl.

But apparently the creators of all those Sonic games seem to not know how not to flog a dead Knuckles and are all set to release another instalment of their new series for every gaming device going, even Android devices, Windows phones and Sega Game Gear probably.

Review: Grand Theft Auto 3 on iOS

August 5th, 2012 By Robin Darke

The Grand Theft Auto series is like a biblical dynasty, with more and more versions being released on what seems like an almost daily basis. Before long we’ll be able to chart our lives by where we are when the new GTA was released.

Like how the elderly chart theirs by when JFK or Elvis died, or One Direction fans will when Harry Styles finally succumbs to hairspray poisoning and he’s found slumped over Caroline Flack’s riddled corpse, herself only recently imploded under her own sense of self worth.

Well before that happy occasion arrives, you can all just shut up and read our brilliant and totally 100% correct in every which way review of Grand Theft Auto 3 for iOS and even some Android phones.

Review: Dizzy, Prince Of The Yolkfolk (Or, How The Royal Wedding Should’ve Gone Down)

August 5th, 2012 By Robin Darke

What have you done today? Bet you’ve dragged yourself through your dreary life, bumping into other insignificant doldrumites, who clamour for their carcinogenic hit of Heat magazine to find out what that family of soulless prostitutes we call Kardashians are up to.

Frankly, between us, you sicken us. Maybe you should try a little harder and people will stop thinking you have an alcohol problem and smiling inanely at you when you struggle to open the bottle of Pepsi Max you have with your Boots Meal Deal.

Whereas us, we’ve jumped from cloud to cloud to return an angelic harp to a sad Saint Peter, made a deal with Death himself to let us pass, and ensure that once Britney Spears does pass, she doesn't return in a zombie form and a red pleather catsuit and managed to lose our girlfriend in a mythical land. So not a bad day?s work really. Bet all the exercise that you’ve had is strumming yourself in the Tesco car park while thinking about how sexy him from Outnumbered is going to be soon. You sicken us.

Dizzy Coming To iOS And Android On December 9th: Not What We Were Hoping For, Selfishly

November 23rd, 2011 By Robin Darke

With the teasing of a new Dizzy hitting the old interwebs as late as yesterday, people were kind of surprised that definite information would be released so soon. It kind of made the whole teasing process pointless, like most attempts at foreplay.

But the news has ?finally? been released and the new Dizzy game is going to be… *Mark Ronson style trumpet blare*

A rehash of 1991?s Dizzy: Prince Of The Yolkfolk. Can we have some grumbles with that underwhelming announcement please?

Chrono Trigger To Hit iOS; Probably Not Going To Take The Shine Off Skyrim

November 23rd, 2011 By Robin Darke

RPGs are like the 80s. Before the 80s were cool, they were revered by everyone as being the decade with the most eye meltingly bad fashion/music/celebrities. But that whole decade has had a resurgence in popularity; partly because of Lady Gaga?s vagina, partly because of Brian May?s tenacity (that man will not be forgotten easily).

Whatever the reason, the 80s are back, which is just like the rise in popularity that role playing games have had over the past few years.

Well before the Elder Scrolls and every other game had levelling up characteristics and diluted the market with enough hot RPG action to put you off them for life, there was a lower standard of charming RPG that grabbed us by the soon-to-be short and curlies, before paedophiles became all the rage.

Dizzy To Get Re-Released; Edwina Curry Prepares To Platz

November 22nd, 2011 By Robin Darke

The 1980s were a great time: Kelly Le Brock was still a bodacious chick, 9/11 was still twenty years away, Blossom was still a good decade away, so you didn't have Joey Lawrence hair envy yet and Dizzy The Magical Fantasist Egg was the alternative to tickling your balls with soda from a SodaStream.

Times may have changed; for instance Kelly Le Brock looks like someone melted a mariachi band, Joey Lawrence is bald and SodaStream still feels great on your nutsack, but Dizzy still remains in the hearts and minds of thirty year old men. Like a pixellated Diana, Princess of Hearts. Only more interesting and a better soundtrack. There’s only so much you can remix screeching tyres and a Martin Bashir interview.

So it's good news that a new version of Dizzy has been rumoured by Codemasters isn't it?

GTA 3 Coming To Mobiles – More Reason To Not Look At People On The Bus

November 9th, 2011 By Robin Darke

Listen up losers, there’s something you need to know. It won’t help you find a girl/boy/dogfriend, you pathetic sacks of rotting fat molecules. And it won’t get you more money to spend on any more useless gifts for your loved ones; those loved ones who only keep you around until the end of the year so they can get a present from you.

And it certainly won’t make you feel any younger. You’ll still creek like a damp-sodden sideboard half hanging out of a skip each morning and night.

But you can rejoice a little bit, before going back to your worthless lives, because Grand Theft Auto 3 is soon to be available for iOS 5. For those of you don’t know, that’s what us rich people call the operating system on their iPhones and iPads. GTA3 HD, which it will probably be called, is also available on Android. But the less said about that the better.

Video Game Review: Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception

August 5th, 2012 By hecklerspray staff

When the first Uncharted game came out way back in 2007, it took us a while to buy it. It’s not Drake’s fault, it’s his big-titted predecessor Lara Croft, and the infuriating Tomb Raider series.

It’s not her big polygonal boobs, or the clipped British accent, or the fact that she’s so ridiculously minted she can afford to piss about, travelling the world and shooting a host of endangered species – it’s that the games she starred in were steaming piles of bear turd, with a terrible shooting dynamic.

Then, one day, with little interest for a new “treasure hunting” game, it dawned on everyone that Uncharted was a game where you could pretend to be Indiana Jones. What’s not to like about that?

Everything You Need To Know About FIFA 12 [Video]

September 27th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The FIFA franchise, no matter what your hooting sap chums say, is the greatest series of football (or soccer if you prefer) games, EVER.

Pro Evo barely registers on the scale in comparison (that said, it’s as pointless comparing the two as it is comparing Super Mario Bros. to eight slices of toast) as FIFA has always looked the part and been most consuming.

Shame it has had a uniformly terrible soundtrack, but you can’t have everything. Of course, the game is released today in North America and us European (in your pants) get it from the 29th Sep. So what can we look out for?

F1 2011 Game Trailer Released, Essential Purchase For Instant Boredom

September 21st, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Computer games are brilliant aren't they? Designed by humans who are scared of the outside world, they open us up to a world of possibilities. As a child, your imagination and a few cardboard boxes let you create mystical worlds that provided continuous adventure.

Now electrical firms in Japan can do the same with a box full of microchips and technology that could enslave the human race.

Thanks to games, we can foil a terrorist plot before lunchtime. We?d never be able to do that in real life. Some games replicate our interests, especially football. Gutted you're an obese mess, unable to play in the Premiership and can't afford a super injunction. Thanks to FIFA, your thumbs do all of that. But it's not always exciting stuff that gets converted into games. Dull, pointless and boring sports such as F1 also receive the digital treatment. Giving you the chance to drive around in a circle for a long period of time.