Diversify or Die?
Folded
- Become a Spy! – Seriously…
- The Killing – Having a hard time working it out? Well, no longer with this handy guide which will help you through the colloquialisms and references. Perhaps you might want to move to Denmark by the end of it as you’ll be such an aficionado of the culture.
- Hasselhoff Is Off - No more Hoff Hassling on Britain’s Got Talent. The unfortunate trade-off of which being that Simon Cowell is coming back. Lock up Sinitta!
- Could Clarkson Get Sacked? – Regardless of your opinion about his comments on The One Show (shame on you for watching it, by the way), the idea that he could get sacked will come as good news to anyone who wants to see him presenting his own version of The Wright Stuff on Channel 5. What would it be called? Answers on a postcard…
- Abraham Lincoln – No, we’re not just really behind the times with this but those in the UK should have a look at this reappraisal of the man. It makes you question the very fabric of everything we know about America. Or does it? Seriously, watch it and find out for yourself you lazy sod.
Creased
Fashion designers are a funny breed aren’t they? No other profession is full of characters that are religiously followed and praised for their movements. Do you monitor the work your local builder does? Course you don’t you arrogant tool. Do you keep up to date with what a professional footbal- oh.
All you have to do is say the name Marc Jacobs and people who know their stuff will tell you that you won’t be able to fill a wardrobe full of his creations for less than £30. That’s more for the fashion ‘working class’ like us, who’ll have to stick to Primark onesies and tear-stained sweatshirts.
A jumper from Marc Jacobs is likely to set you back £400+. All because people are morons and pay the price for organic, free range camel pubes. You know, as opposed to those ones you get from battery camels.
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Just when you thought X Factor was over, it reappears like that case of genital herpes you’ve been struggling with since you came back from that long weekend in Bognor. You disgust us.
Coincidentally ‘you disgust us’ was the reaction had by more than 1000 viewers of Saturday’s X Factor Final. But ‘Angry from Guildford’ isn’t calling up OFCOM to complain about the binning of Tesco Value Mary, or to ask just how the hell Katie Weasel was every allowed out of the womb, let alone onto TV.
Nor were they complaining about Matt ‘everyman blokey bloke better-decorator-than-singer’ Cardle winning the whole damn thing and promptly becoming wildly uninteresting. Read More >>>
As everyone knows, catching a puffin with a net, pulling its still-warm heart of of its body and eating it is one of the most erotic things a person can do.
Just look at Gordon Ramsay. Not so long ago Gordon Ramsay ate a puffin’s heart on his TV show The F Word just to show what a triumphant lord of sex he really is. But, would you believe it, 42 people found the sight of Gordon Ramsay chewing on the just-dead heart of a beloved seabird offensive enough to complain about.
Fortunately, though, Ofcom has decided that Gordon Ramsay didn’t break any rules and is free to film himself gorging on raw blood-splattered puffin organs as much as he likes. That’s lucky for Gordon Ramsay, because it’s easy food for him – every year millions of migrating puffins have found welcome shelter from bad weather within the deep crevices of his angry face.
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It’s been said that some people in this world are stupid.
This is, of course, absolute nonsense. The majority of people in this world are stupid – hapless, witless mouth-breathers who drift gormlessly through their lives with all the intellectual vigour of a bag of Oven Chips. Bearing this in mind, however, it still boggles the mind as to the boundless depths of idiocy to which the truly moronic are capable of plunging.
Like dialling the number of a TV character. And complaining when there’s no answer.
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British teatime is a sacred institution where everyone around the country stops what they're doing and eats a crumpet with their mother.
Teatime is a tradition to be protected. Specifically, it is a tradition to be protected from fuzzy-chopped ginger pensioners inviting men to grope at their breasts on TV like they're starring in some sort of horrendous paraphilic infantilism porno movie.
Readers, you aren't the only ones to be physically repulsed by the idea of that. Anne Robinson let some wine-tasting bloke grab her boobies on an episode of The Weakest Link recently, and 16 intrepid viewers phoned the BBC to complain. 16 doesn't sound like a lot, but it's thought that only 16 people got through the incident without going blind or mad or throwing themselves through the nearest window.
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Singing? In film? Disgusting.
Warning: Sweeney Todd is a musical. That’s not breaking news we know, but there are some people out there that are picking themselves up off the floor following that revelation.
The Guardian reports that there were inadequate warnings that singing took place in Tim Burton’s latest edition. “It resembles a vintage Tim Burton movie, but nowhere does the trailer mention the fact that Sweeney Todd is a musical. In fact, it goes out of its way to conceal the fact that the movie is entirely sung, save for a few snippets of dialogue.”
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