Jim Carey’s daughter Jane Carrey revealed on American Idol how she’s spent the past 24 years living in the lap of luxury, and riding golden ponies, all paid for by daddy’s money. Wait: we mean the exact opposite of that…

“He’s definitely not the most extravagant celebrity,” the daughter of rubber-faced comic Jim Carrey told American Idol viewers, adding that she’s a single mother whose been waiting tables for the last six years.

Ummm… what? There’s a difference between not being ‘extravagant’ and letting your daughter clean-up other people’s gobbed-out food for minimum wage.

Jim’s got it all wrong. For a start, ‘Jane Carrey’ – what’s up with that? The guy didn’t even have the decency to name her after a fruit or a space missile. People are just going to have to GUESS at where she was conceived as he couldn’t even be bothered to call her after the town.

What kind of start in life is that?

Unlike most celebrity spawn with a Jesus complex – famous because of their dad’s good work – Jane Carrey is rumoured to actually be able to sing, and hasn’t yet flashed her noo-noo at any paps. So what if she looks like Miley Cyrus who been covered in tar then rolled around in Primark.

There’s still hope for her yet. American Idol’s female contestants tend to be fat and crazy – like an army of bald-era Britneys. Plus, Pa Carrey is rumoured to be a Scientologist – a religion that would make more sense if it were based on the texts messages your drunk grandma sent the first time she used an iPhone.

Anyway. Here’s the video because that’s what you all came for:

Oi! You look like a bright spark! You look like a regularly little sleuth who can work tricky puzzles out in the name of gain! A regular little Carmen Sandiego aren’t you?

Unless, of course, you’re more of an Inspector Gadget and continually mess things up, forever to be bailed out by your niece and her dog. Seriously. Have a word with yourself or you’ll end up with Matthew Broderick playing you in a film, and no-one wants that.

No, you’re needed to travel through time. Yes you are. You need to go back to 1780, specifically to Dublin, so you can find the missing barrel. WoooOOOOoOo. YEAH?

So what do you need to find this missing barrel?

Well, you’ll need concentration! You’ll need COURAGE! And you’ll need a Facebook account. The latter isn’t as dramatic, granted, but y’know, Dublin in the 1700′s actually did have Facebook accounts. They were ahead of their time the Irish. Honest they were.

Anyway, you’ll need to watch this video and then visit Jameson1780.com to find out more.

It really is terribly exciting and, should you need to sharpen your mind, we advice drinking some whisky first because, as we all know, humans definitely think better when they’ve had a glass of adult pop.

Just look at Inspector Morse. He was always doing a bit of ‘thinking’ in the pub. Perhaps we should rebrand whisky as ‘think-drink’?

Anyway, watch this. Solve a mystery.

Like coffee shops and vintage clothing boutiques, UK festivals are cropping up all over the place. The modern day music lover is literally spoilt for choice in terms of who they want to see perform in a muddy field. While festivals such as Glastonbury, T in the Park and V offer a mixed bag of artists, more genre themed events have emerged that include rock at Download, indie at Reading & Leeds and electronic at Global Gathering.

Now in its tenth year, Global Gathering has always pushed the boundaries of innovation to make sure it tops the previous year with an ever expanding range of electronic genres are being for catered for.

Well known and underground artists from the world of dubstep, drum & bass and electro have been recruited to make sure that no-one attending is standing still for more than five seconds. If you missed out on tickets, fear not, we’ve got our grubby paws on a pair and we really want you to have them.

On Friday 29th July and Saturday 30th July, Global Gathering offers a selection of established artists, mixed up with new producers and musicians who’ve injected something new and exciting into electronic music. As a result, some notable headliners have been pulled in.

On Friday, legends of electronic music, Underworld take to the stage to perform tracks from their extensive back-catalogue that spans over twenty years. Elsewhere, Pendulum grace the main arena to make people jump up and down.

Saturday sees newcomers such as the ace Yasmin rub shoulders with DJ’s such as Carl Cox and Tinie Tempah.

So what do you have to do in order to join the thousands of ravers who’ll be dancing away at Long Marston Airfield in Stratford-Upon-Avon? Normally we’d ask an easy peasy question, but this time, we want you to get creative.

Fans of electronic music know that all sorts of sub-genres emerge all the time, so keeping in the spirit of genuine genre names such as witch house and chillwave, we want to know the following:

What would you call a brand new genre of music if a gun was pointed at your head?

We don’t care what it would sound like; just amuse us with your suggestions. The best name will win a pair of tickets to Global Gathering for absolutely nothing.

Enter by tweeting us over on @hecklerspray, scribbling on our Facebook wall or leaving us a comment on this here article. As per any competition, we have to let you know the following:

1) hecklerspray will provide you with a pair of tickets for Global Gathering. Transport and accommodation is up to you. We take no responsibility if you set up camp in a bog and drown. We will however, write an article mocking you.

2) Entries close on Wednesday 20th July at midnight. If we don’t forget, we’ll nag you for contact details the next day.

3) UK residents only, sorry it’s nothing personal. Except it is.

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We have a winner for that competition where you could win The Town DVD and a boxset of The Wire! Isn’t that great? You wish you’d entered now didn’t you? Well, if you were following us on Twitter or Facebook you probably would have won!

And our ravishingly attractive competition winner is Sarah Harman from That London. She’ll now be able to sit in bed with her poindexter hat on and Mr T gold chain watching DVDs on her laptop, not quite able to find a way of being comfortable as she lies down to get optimum viewing angles. Hurray for that!

Do you like fictional crimes being solved by actors portraying the kind of folks who like solving crimes? Well, you’re going to drench your gussets with excitement at this competition where you can win a copy of The Town and a Wire boxset!

And you don’t really have to do anything! Just answer some stupid question!

Of course, the world doesn’t normally work like this. You normally have to earn things with graft, but with this easy chance to land some free stuff, you can feel what it must be like to be Paris Hilton or something.

You’ll invariably know what The Wire is because almost every single human on Earth couldn’t stop talking about it for a period of time which, mercifully, has now passed.

But what about The Town?

Well, The Town is a surprisingly good film which stars Ben Affleck ( y’know? The one from Good Will Hunting). Affleck also directed in the film, as well as starring in it. That sounds dangerously close to hard work.

Well, The Town is now out on DVD and a Blu-Ray Triple Play (loaded with extended cut and extra features). If you fail miserably in your quest to land it for free, you can order yourself a copy here.

You can watch the trailer for The Town here.

To be in with a chance of winning this great prize just answer the following question…

Ben Affleck made his directorial debut with which film?

a. Good Will Hunting
b. Gone Baby Gone
c. Mystic River

You can give us the answer over at our Twitter account or join our Facebook group. Hell, you can even email us by clicking that green envelope icon in the header banner. Make sure you live in the UK and that you yell BEN AFFLECK HAS A SQUARE HEAD! or we’ll not know what you’re talking about. We’ll arbitrarily pick a winner and send you your goodies at some point next week, when we remember that we offered you free stuff.

© 2011 Warner Bros. Ent. All Rights Reserved

Thanks to your hideous face and your tremendous amount of chins, there’s a good chance you’ve spend many hours trying to make your Facebook profile pictures look half decent.

You continually try to fool people into thinking you’re actually good looking. Or funny. Or popular. hecklerspray knows your pain. Collectively, we look like the contents of a melted doll factory.

And so, in what is clearly an advertorial where you can win stuff, why not put all that time and effort into good use and get free stuff from Uncle Sony?

Sony are prepared to give away a load of their lovely NEX-5 cameras in exchange for your hideous face.

No, they don’t want you to cut it off and post it in a jiffy bag, but rather, upload your wonderfully crafted Facebook profile photo.

The Profile Hero competition allows you to upload your picture into one of 5 different categories, or all of them if you really think your picture is that special.

However, it isn’t as simple as that. You have to collect votes to win, with the highest-ranked picture in each category winning an NEX-5 camera (worth £549) each week.

The NEX-5 is designed for people who want something better than a standard compact digital camera but don’t want a gigantic SLR which will make them look like a hipster. It’s worth pointing out that the quality of snaps is pretty much up there with the latter.

If the thought of a free camera isn’t enough to get you going, the picture with the most votes at the end of the 4-week Profile Hero competition wins a luxury trip for 2 to Rome, plus an extra NEX-5 camera for the winner’s holiday pal, which is nice isn’t it?

The categories are pretty much what you’d expect, with chances for family pics, sporty pics, solo pics, travel pics and party pics. Presumably, anyone displaying a pouty, duck-face snap from a night out will be roundly mocked by all concerned. If not, they should.

The competition runs for 4 weeks, so you have plenty of time to crop and chop your profile pic collection into winning shape. Or make you look even vaguely human.

Click here to enter and win things!

Oh joy of bloody joys! We ran a competition which required you dolts to answer a question which had an answer that could easily be found via the miracle of internet search engines. However, nearly every single one of you got it wrong.

In fact, the only person who got the answer right, was David Beasley from West Sussex!

And so, ‘Big Boy’ Beasley wins a copy of ‘Get Him To The Greek: The Extended Party Edition’ on Blu-ray, as well as copies of ‘Funny People’, ‘Knocked Up’, ’40 Year Old Virgin’, ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ and ‘Anchorman’.

That’s nice isn’t it? We’ll be getting in touch with Dirty Beasley very soon! Expect a box full of DVDs and quite possibly a dead-crow coming your way soon! And don’t forget to enter our other competition as well where you’re told just how to be funny!

There’s a new crop of comedians doing the rounds, most of who are completely rubbish. However, one of them who actually provides us with laughs with his dry, sardonic wit, is Kevin Bridges.

He’s got a new DVD out called ‘The Story So Far’, which is a stand-up routine, as opposed to an ill-advised biopic about someone who has only been famous for a year or so.

And now, you get the chance to learn how to be a stand-up comedian (it’d help if you were even slightly funny in the first place) with our new competition… and of course, Kevin Bridges will be on-hand to make you a funny person.

Here’s the corporate bit.

In conjunction with (thanks, thanks, we’re averting our gaze accordingly) Virgin Experience Days, we’re giving you the chance to spend to take part in a three hour stand-up comedian experience will show you how to improve your natural skills and give a basic introduction to stand up comedy.

That’s actually a good prize isn’t it?

To be in with a chance of bagging the experience, simply answer the following question…

Kevin Bridges has starred in which BBC programme called Live at the Apollo?

a. Last of the Summer Wine
b. Lost Land of the Tiger
c. Live at the Apollo

His debut DVD due out in 22nd November, 2010 and we have to put the next line in, even though you don’t care who owns the image about.

Packaging Design © 2010 Universal Studios. All Rights Reserved

Anyway, this competition is only open to UK residents and you can get in touch by sending an email to david@hecklerspray.com or sending us a message on Facebook or Twitter (details below). The subject line should say I’M NOT VERY FUNNY! or, if you’re entering on Twitter, then provide the hashtag #imnotveryfunnyHS

Get entering! Go on! You probably want to!

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Want a dose of the funnies for free? Do you? WELL DO YOU? If reading hecklerspray doesn’t do it for you (and to be honest, no-one could blame you for that) then why don’t you enter a competition where you can win stuff without having to pay for it?

As the headline tells you already, you can win a copy of Get Him To The Greek: The Extended Party Edition which stars the recently married Russell Brand showing off his weird gum-shield teeth off.

The DVD and Blu-ray comes out on November 1st and is an extended edition which means that you get a whole bunch of extras that you didn’t ask for and that were probably too filthy to be shown in cinemas… that’s because cinemas are massive wimps.

If you don’t know what the film is about, here’s the skinny.

Get Him To The Greek is the story of an intern at a record company has to drag an uncooperative rock star around Hollywood for a comeback concert.

Basically, this means we get to watch someone becoming increasingly jaded and frustrated when dealing with a pompous tit. hecklerspray sympathises completely.

Of course, this gives Russell Brand the chance to act like a goofy git and flounce around being faux-decadent, giving his long-suffering lackey the chance to let his face grow ever longer.

Here’s the trailer.

Watch it with your eyes and listen with those disgusting things on the side of your head.

And now, Universal Pictures have taken great pity on hecklerspray and allowed us the chance to give you a copy of ‘Get Him To The Greek’ as well as a copy of ‘Funny People’, ‘Knocked Up’, ’40 Year Old Virgin’, ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ and ‘Anchorman’.

That’s a lot of Blu-ray discs.

To be in with a chance of winning just answer the following question…

What is the name of the outrageous rocker played by Russell Brand in Get Him To The Greek?

a. Bulbous Blow
b. Felanious Flow
c. Aldous Snow

If you want to win, contact us at david@hecklerspray.com and write GIVE ME A GREEK PLEASE! in the headline with your answer (which you can easily find by using any of the popular search engines). Or, if you don’t like sending emails, you can give us the answer on Twitter and Facebook (details below) with the hashtag of #greekcomp.

Okay?

If you don’t win, you can pre-order yourself a copy now at: http://bit.ly/coesjB. We have to put that in because we’re at the mercy of the people running the competition who have threatened us with extreme violence if we don’t play along.

ENTER. DO IT NOW.

We’ll pick a winner and change the name of a cat to ‘Socks’ over the next week or so.

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Have you seen Gossip Girl? Do you hate it? Then it really doesn’t make sense for you to read this article does it? You really are toweringly dim aren’t you? Anyway, those of you left who LURVE Gossip Girl, or indeed, just like trying to win free things, your luck is in!

The picture to the right of this article, coupled with the words you read in the headline, should tell you that you can win some Gossip Girl goodies. Goodies, in this instance, means a bunch of Gossip Girl books and a signed DVD for the first two seasons. If you’re British, ‘seasons’ means series.

If you’re American, you can’t enter anyway… and the DVD probably wouldn’t work on your DVD player. Anyway! Want to win stuff? Then, as ever, click over the jump for the details and such.

So. There’ll be three lots to give away (which means three winners)  which consist of a Gossip Girl box set signed by Ed Westwick or Jessica Szohr and 8 Gossip Girl novels.

ITV2 are sorting you out with this prizes, which means, the least you could do in return is watch Gossip Girl tonight at 8PM on ITV2.

So what do you need to do to win things that you haven’t paid for? A SAE envelope full of your own hair?

Nope.

A stupid promotional code sent into a computer which will use your details to send you annoying junk?

Nope.

This is dead easy.

First, you need to read this tricky question.

Chuck Bass is a character in Gossip Girl. What is his name in Gossip Girl?

a) Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl
b) Bootsy Collins Who Plays The Bass Really Well
c) Fender Precision Jazz Bass Which Is A Musical Instrument And Not In Fact A Human

Right. Got the answer? Good. Now, don’t tell us the answer because we’ll ignore you. In case you’re skim reading this, we’ll tell you the next bit in capitals so you don’t miss it.

IMPORTANT: SEND YOUR ANSWER TO ITV2′s TWITTER ACCOUNT! HOW VERY MODERN!

Click here to visit ITV2′s twitter account.

You’ll have to follow them to be in with a shout of winning (they’ll know if you’re not because they’ve got a team of spies or something). Oh, and the answer is a).

Winners will be picked at random and follow up tweets sent to acquire postal details. Anyone not responding with their address within three days will miss out and another name will be drawn – so check your account regularly! Entrants must be 15 years old or older to enter. Entries close at 12pm on Sunday 26th September 2010. Competition limited to entrants in the UK.

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You there! Do you like ‘weekends’? Do you like ‘experiences’? Of course you do, you’re not weird or anything.

That’s why you should thank your lucky stars about Mazda Thrillseekers, which has launched a competition offering 20 various dazzling experience weekends, complete with an overnight stay and a Mazda to drive around in, to YOU.

If you want to enter this, frankly ridiculously good, competition, then you need to scoot over to Zoom Zoom Weekends this very instant. And if you need to be convinced, there’s a video after the jump which serves that exact purpose. Good luck!

Red carpet events look like a right hoot don’t they? I mean, you get to wear posh clothes whilst being screamed at by blokes with cameras wanting you to perform a variety of poses, showing off your backless dress/arseless trousers. Then, once everyone has finished screaming at you (or indeed, failing to hurling abuse at you), you slink away to glug champagne from glasses forged out of truffles and unicorn hooves.

However, there’s a good chance that, like us, you’re utterly useless plebs who will never be able to glide down a red carpet and make people gasp and jerk in astonishment. Quite simply, you’re deluding yourself if you think you can simply waltz up to an event and everyone will suddenly realise your star quality and immediate avert their eyes, but not their love.

That is, unless you follow our 5 step guide to blagging your way down a red carpet. It’s doable, but you might have to throw your dignity (and possibly the gusset of your undergarments) to one side. Click over the jump as fleeting stardom awaits.

1. Get off with Perez Hilton

The easiest way to stardom is to make a sex-tape. Then, after infamy, you can strut down the red carpet on the arm of someone famous who thinks you’re a bit of a minx – which of course, you are. However, sex-tapes might get a bit old hat, so we predict that tapping off with a celebrity blogger is the way forward. As no-one at Hecklerspray owns either genitals or any sway in the celebrity world, you’ll have to entertain Perez Hilton. Give it a try and you’ll be getting punched in the eye by someone from Black Eyed Peas in no time!

2.Kill everyone who says you can’t go down the red carpet

A simple – but risky – strategy is to buy yourself lots of ammo and a massive gun. Simply arrive at the red carpet and any person thwarting your way should be met with a simple round of bullets to the throat. Essentially, ‘go postal’ (not to be confused with posting yourself in a giant jiffy bag marked “Any Awards Ceremony Please: For pick up on Red Carpet”)

3. Actually go to all the trouble of becoming a famous person

Spend months starving and sleeping on friend’s couches whilst you perform thousands of unsuccessful auditions in front of tubby men who persist in winking at you. Then, after years of hard work and dubious appearances in commercials and corporate videos, you get your break! Hopefully, Danny Boyle will spot you and turn you into a little starlet.

4.Expensive plastic surgery to make you look like someone famous

Essentially, you’ll need to turn your life into the dreadful MTV show I Want A Famous Face. Instead of spending all that time learning to act or play an instrument, you could simply go and see some Doctor Nick character and say “Make me look like Mickey Rooney!” To be honest, a monkey with a hammer and half a hacksaw in a darkened room could make you look like that. With any luck, you’ll end up looking dashing like this.

5.Get adopted by Madonna or Angelina Jolie

This is trickier than the rest. Firstly, you’ll need to move to a third world country. You’ll have to be about 2 feet tall and not speak any English. If you’re this far in, then perfect a doe-eyed look that will make a Hollywood A-lister’s crumbly little heart muscle creak to swelling point. Stretch out a hand and meekly say “Mama?” Practise in the mirror and let us know how you get on.

Of course, there is another way. You can avoid all that by (and apologies for the utterly shameless nature of all this) ENTERING THIS COMPETITION BROUGHT TO YOU IN ASSOCIATION WITH STELLA ARTOIS!*

This is definitely for you if you like slurping posh drinks and want to live the life of a superstar celeb like you’re the natural heir to Jacques D’Azur, the enigmatic face of the competition launched by Stella Artois 4% which gives ordinary folks the chance to party like the stars for a weekend.

So if you don’t fancy being brought up by Her Madge, but you would like to be treated like royalty at Cannes 2010, get yourself over to StellaArtois.com and enter the sweepstake! It’s a really amazing prize with the threat of an astonishingly glamorous hangover! Good luck!

* Post sponsored by our friends at Stella Artois 4%.

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Eliza Dushku, that sultry sexy lady thing from Dollhouse, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and those posters you’re too old to hang on your wall, has a new film out, Open Graves.

Starring Eliza as Erica and Mike Vogal – that bloke who chased the dinosaur around in Cloverfield – as Jason, Open Graves has the two of them playing surfers who stumble upon a deadly board game. Kind of like Jumanji, then, but with more blood and less hairy animals – by which we mean Robin Williams.

You can expect plenty of action, suspense, horror and a 99% chance of Eliza walking around in a bikini. To celebrate this wondrous release on DVD and Blu-ray on February 15th, we’ve got three copies of the DVD to you lucky readers. Details after the jump:

To win one of three DVD copies of Open Graves, all you need to do is watch the Open Graves trailer and then answer this incredibly, infuriatingly, easy peasy lemon squeezy question:

What is the name of Eliza Dushku’s character in the hit TV show Dollhouse:

A) Francois

B) Echo

C) Coco Magoo

Send your answers to our lovely inbox at hello[at]hecklerspray.com under the title ‘Gimme Open Graves’. The competition ends on the 17th of February at the stroke of midnight and the winner will be picked at random. The competition is open to UK residents only.

Also, if you don’t win, you could just buy a copy, you cheapskates.

Early Christmas present time! Yes, yes, we know. Thank us later.

The prize this time? A VooDoll – a beautiful hand-made yarn voodoo doll, all of three inches tall – that looks set to replace the Pog, the Troll and Coca Cola yo-yo. That’s just how brilliant they are. They have magical powers, too. They come with spells and everything.

We’ve got six of these adorable little VooDolls to give away, and you can find out how after the jump…

To win one of these amazing VooDoll – either Siouxie, Ninja, Devil Baby, Black Mamba, Zombie Magician or Gordon Moneymaker – all you need to do is answer the following question…

If you could make a voodoo wish, what would it be?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘Voodoo? Who do?’. The competition closes at midnight on December10 when the winner will be chosen at random. UK readers only please.

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Time for another corker of a hecklerspray competition – and this time the prize involves booze.

Not just booze, you understand, but a free VIP pass to Ministry Of Sound, a MOS rucksack, perfume, T-shirts, CDs and a copy of Tomas, the new novel by James Palumbo that Stephen Fry described as ‘remarkable’, even though that does seem to be Stephen Fry’s default response to everything these days, purely because it’s got three more syllables than the word ‘good’.

Anyway, it’s a good book – and if you want to win all that stuff we just described, we’ll be seeing you after the jump…

So, to win a copy of Tomas and all the assorted goody-baggery that goes along with it, just watch this video and answer a question on it…

QUESTION: Now that you’ve watched the Tomas video, how long do you expect to be suffering from nightmares?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘For the rest of my freaking life, thanks‘. The competition closes at midnight on July 20 when a winner will be chosen at random. UK readers only please.

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