Lindsay Lohan may want to walk away from trouble, but the fact is, trouble isn’t prepared to let her go. Trouble, in this instance, is like a jealous ex who won’t let her get on with her life because he knows that LiLo is super fun when she’s evading the law and falling flat on her face, hammered on cheap cocktails.

And so, after a really boring house-imprisonment, it looked like Lohan was going to start working on films again and giving us leeches absolutely nothing to write about.

AND THEN! PRAISE BE! Remember that woman who said LiLo smacked her upside her head in rehab? She’s back. And she’s back with a million dollar lawsuit!

The star of (the very underrated) Mean Girls was accused of lamping Dawn Holland during her time at the Betty Ford clinic in California, where she was not only serving three months of judge-ordered treatment, but apparently sloping off and getting drunk as a bag of alcoholics with chums.

We like it when she pointlessly rebels against things. That’s what famous people are supposed to do.

Holland claimed that Lohan attacked her, but alas, got the sack for blabbing about what went on behind closed doors. It’s not exactly cricket to talk about the things that go on in a rehab (but we’re eternally grateful that she did).

Holland took her complaint to police, only to later dropped the claims. This is because everyone mouthed ‘bullshit’ at her and someone, somewhere said ‘let us go and get the CCTV tapes shall we?’

However, the rehabber realised that even a slim chance of pinning something on LiLo would likely result in a rather large amount of money making its way to her presumably beleaguered bank account, and as such, has now kicked off a brand new lawsuit.

She’s alleging that Linds was violent towards her when she tried to jam a breathalyzer test in the actresses gob, which resulted in the very sexy sounding event of “twisting and pulling it for 8-10 seconds”.

Out of court settlement anyone?

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We liked Lindsay Lohan when she was a drug addled, diamond stealing, near-alcoholic who indulged in all manner of sexual activities, with not a care in the world what people thought of her. That’s our kind of celebrity.

If you’re going to be wealthy and influential, then it is your duty to exploit it. It keeps schmucks like us in stories and, most importantly, seething jealousy.

However, since the long arm of the law caught up with her, she looked like she was going to turn into some famous bore like Ben Fogle. Yet we still had hope when she appeared in court dressed like a Milanese prostitute. And now, she’s finished her community service, she’s back on the piss!

That’s right! LiLo is showing everyone that a few paltry legal worries isn’t going to stop her from having a good time (all the time) as she was spotted out on the lash ’til the wee smalls, a matter of hours after having a community service meeting.

She went off to some hideous celebrity haunt called Chateau Marmont, to be later seen with 90210 actress Shenae Grimes (us neither, but we already suspect that Lohan has shagged her) in what can only be described as ‘high spirits’. LeeLaloolo had be barked at and bossed to complete 480 hours of community service and, of course, she invariably wanted to make something of a good impression so she can say “I’ve changed” when she completes a one-off special interview with some plebs on a sofa.

However, our LoLo isn’t very good at thinking ahead and, brilliantly, as The Daily Mail are very keen to point out, our Linds’ decided to mooch about in a see-through top. The pictures here will please you masturbators out there.

Whether Lindsay will wear see-through clothes for her stint in the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office is another matter.

That’s right! Lohan is going to have to stand over a bunch of corpses without dry-heaving or trying to get off with them (in for a penny, in for a pound, eh?). We can only hope that two celebrity stories collide with each other as Michael Jackson’s body is shipped in to be prodded at before Dr Conrad Murray’s hearing.

That would be the best celebrity picture ever taken (yes, even better than David Hasselhoff and Gary Coleman giving the thumbs up with KIT).

Anyway, if anyone knows any decent coke dealers, send ‘em Lohan’s way. We like her when she’s a wreck.

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As Kid Rock probably wrapped his mullet around an enemy’s neck for the purpose of strangulation that night in a Waffle House, well that must have felt pretty good.

This is all theoretical, of course, but we think the temporary surge of power must have been so invigorating he just wanted more. He wanted his strength tested. In his mind’s eye he probably saw himself physically beating up all kinds of things that would be awesome to beat up, like King Kong and a string of zombie popes.

And the US military. But a judge just ended that last dream forever.

When Kid Rock (Robert Ritchie) beat up every single living thing inside a Georgia Waffle House for either several days in a row or just a few minutes, he got arrested and taken to jail. Once there he used his awesome beady eye/moustache combo to seduce the guards and escape to freedom. When the guards snapped out of their trance they realised two things – they were covered in mullet-shaped hickeys and the prisoner hadn’t so much escaped as he’d been sentenced to something or other.

That something or other, incidentally, was community service. When his first idea for specifically what to do got shot down, he wasn’t all that surprised. After all, as we’ve heard it that idea was to invite children to his house so he could teach them how to look at pictures of naked tractors. No judge would allow that. But then when his second suggestion got shot down too, well, Kid Rock thought it was just ridiculous.

He wanted to fill all his hours of forced labour with singing songs at the Army, but the powers that be simply wouldn’t allow it. In his own words:

“Apparently [the judge] thinks it’s more important that I do something else rather than sing, shake hands, take pictures and spend time with the men and women who put themselves in harm’s way to protect the very freedom he and all of us live by…I really take it as a slap in the face, and really have trouble thinking of a better way to ‘serve the community.’”

We imagine the initial judge/Ritchie conversation went something like this:

Kid Rock: Judge, for my community service I’d like to play for the troops.

Judge: Now, I think those guys have been through enough.

If Kid Rock wants some community service ideas, all he has to do is read some hecklerspray back-stories. He could mop things like Naomi Campbell, he could teach kids about guns like T.I., or he could do whatever it was that Boy George got ordered to do. Which we think had something to do with imprisoning Swedes in his mansion and then rubbing his tenders all over their chained faces for 80 hours or more. All of that was allegedly under the supervision of some sort of a parole officer.

Allegedly again.

Boy George is taking it back to the streets of New York; the very same ones that he tore a new a-hole a couple of years back.

But rather than being armed with a sweeping brush and a dashing outfit, he’ll be back to what he’s more used to. Well, he’ll be back to what he was more used to a decade or two back when he still had a career beyond ‘celebrity’ DJing.

That’s right sanitation workers of NYC – Boy George is going to play a gig for you! All for you! Even you! And you! Not you though.

Best of all is the news that this selfless, humble superstar is to provide the cleaners and rubbish pickers of New York all the entertainment they could ever want for free! They won’t even have to pay him in discarded, soiled underpants or anything. Georgey really is an example to us all.

In a statement (possibly) tearfully released to the media, the former A-Team cameo extraordinaire said:

“The people I worked alongside showed great kindness to me at a difficult time. I wanted to thank them all in a way that would show my appreciation.”

Hecklerspray can’t help but think that a better way to show your appreciation would be to not play for these poor souls, who are all likely to feel some kind of sympathy for the limelight-starved Culture Club member, alongside the inevitable feeling that they have to attend. No one likes it when you feel you’re being forced into going to something, and 5,000 binmen going to watch Boy George?

Actually, that’s a bit surreal.

No, we feel that a far better way to thank the tireless efforts of the New York Sanitation Department would be to say ‘thank you for your help’ and send them a card. Organising a pop concert when you’re clearly past it and nobody has cared about your career for the last two decades is a bit rich.

And let’s not even mention the fact that it’s a clear and blatant grab for some of that ever-elusive positive press for George.

Or, well, just any press at all. Ever.

Remember when Busta Rhymes got in trouble for beating up a load of people all the time? 

Remember how much trouble Busta Rhymes was going to be in? There was talk of jail sentences so lengthy that all future Pussycat Dolls releases would have to have 35 seconds of silence in the middle where his guest rap would have been.

But time heals everything, or so they say, and instead of getting thrown in jail Busta Rhymes has to complete just 10 days of community service. Don't think that Busta Rhymes is getting an easy ride, though – if he offends again the punishment will be much harsher, and frankly we'd be stunned if Busta Rhymes is capable of going 10 days in the community without starting at least 450 fights.

People say that your heroes always let you down, but that's not something that really concerns Busta Rhymes. Firstly, if Busta Rhymes is a hero to anyone other than gormless lunk-headed mouth-breathers then we're fully prepared to eat our hat. And secondly, if you ever meet Busta Rhymes there's a strong chance that he'll punch you in the face – which is exactly what you'd expect him to do.

You see, for a while punching people in the face was pretty much Busta Rhymes' answer to everything. Man spits on you car? Punch him in the face. Employees asking for all that money you haven't paid them? Punch them in the face. In fact, we're certain that if more people settled their disputes by punching each other in the face the world would be a much better place. And government debates would be a lot more fun to watch.

Sadly, though, not everyone thinks like us and Busta Rhymes. Some people say that violently attacking people is wrong. Trouble is, those people are the people in charge, which is why Busta Rhymes was arrested and hauled up in court for his behaviour.

At one point Busta Rhymes faced a year in jail, but thanks to his remarkable skill for changing his mind about everything, pleading guilty and accepting plea deals, he's instead been sentenced to a spot of community service, as People reports:

Busta Rhymes was sentenced Tuesday to serve three years' probation and 10 days of community service, pay a $1,250 fine and court costs and enrol in a drunken driving program for his role in two separate assaults last year. In addition, Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Larry Stephen ordered the rapper to stay out of trouble… After the sentencing, Rhymes, dressed in a conservative gray suit with lavender accents, told reporters, "I have no trouble being a good dude because that's what I am."

It's true, Busta Rhymes is a good guy. A good guy who's been pushed into unusually difficult circumstances, like being asked by his driver to pay him some wages he'd earnt so that he could buy his children some Christmas presents. What's a man supposed to do in difficult circumstances like that, other than violently lash out? Anyone would do the same.

Anyway, Busta Rhymes will now have ten days of community service to fulfil, probably somewhere in the cleaning sector. But ten days of work won't hurt Busta Rhymes one jot – he's used to the graft, you see. Do you know how long it takes to craft a 35-second guest rap in a modern-day pop song? That's right – about 38 seconds. Busta's going to be fine.

Read more:

Busta Rhymes Sentenced on Assault Charges – People 

Not so long ago, Busta Rhymes was alleged to have duffed up so many poor suckers that we thought he'd easily wind up in jail.

However, Busta Rhymes isn't going to jail at all. Earlier today, Busta Rhymes copped to a plea deal that means he'll have to do 10 days of community service for attacking an employee and a fan instead of the full one year jail stretch.

But ha! The joke's on you, Busta Rhymes – sure, you might have thought that 10 days of community service is the easy option, but as a celebrity if you'd have settled for jail you'd have only actually been locked up for 23 minutes and a lovely cup of tea. Nice one, durr-brain.

Busta Rhymes is like a walking moral that today's youth can learn from. And that moral is 'don't keep quiet when your bodyguard is murdered' because if you do, police will arrest you time and time again for every little mistake you make and you might wind up in jail.

Obviously there's Busta Rhyme's secondary moral, which is 'don't go round beating people up because you haven't paid their wages or they spat on your car' because that makes you look a bit of a dick. And you might wind up in jail. Listen to Busta Rhymes, kids.

Sadly, Busta Rhymes doesn't listen to the pieces of his own advice that we just put in his mouth. After being arrested for beating up one of his drivers who he hadn't paid and another man who spat on his car – plus just about being illegal in every single other way there is – Busta Rhymes has been staring jail in the face over the last few months.

What made Busta Rhymes' jail sentence more inevitable was the way that he refused all plea bargains for fear that his masculinity would diminish so much he may as well just go out wearing a T-shirt reading 'I'm Busta Rhymes And My Penis Is The Size Of A Baby's Amputated Fingertip.'

So it goes without saying that earlier today Busta Rhymes caved in and accepted a plea deal to keep him out of jail like a big blouse-wearing baby Jemima who cries and wets the bed and rides ponies around her fairytale courtyard. The New York Post reports:

Rapper Busta Rhymes cut a deal with prosecutors today that keeps him out of jail for two misdemeanor assault charges. Prosecutors wanted Rhymes, whose real name is Trevor Smith, to spend one year behind bars. Instead, he'll do 10 days of community service. Rhymes also faced driving with a suspended license and driving while intoxicated charges. He will lose his license for six months and must enroll in a DWI program.

Busta Rhymes can certainly count himself lucky that he was still even allowed to accept a plea deal given his previous numptiness. But let's not reflect on the past – let's reflect on what Busta Rhymes' community service will be.

In the past Busta has stated that he wants to share his knowledge with the kids of today, but the judge is hardly going to go along with that, unless he wants all the kids of today to be expertly schooled in the various ways you can boneheadedly beat someone up while yapping "Flipmode!" over and over like an especially violent parrot.

No, chances are Busta Rhymes will be given some sort of menial cleaning-based community service. In which case, let's hope that Busta Rhymes doesn't use his own spit to lubricate the cleaning process at any point, because Busta Rhymes hates that and will probably beat himself up for doing it, and then they'll both probably end up in jail.

Read more:

BUSTA RHYMES CUTS DEAL TO AVOID JAIL - New York Post 

As great as community service is, we can't imagine a more unsettling sight than lying back to give blood and seeing Lindsay Lohan hovering over you like some sort of skinny vampire.

But for a handful of lucky Los Angeles blood-donors, that's exactly what they'll see. Now that she's finally out of rehab following her DUI arrests, Lindsay Lohan is now accepting her punishment – 10 days working at an American Red Cross blood services facility. Yesterday Lindsay Lohan worked a seven-hour shift at an LA blood bank, and is expected to do the same again today. Working her community service at the blood bank is thought to be the closest that Lindsay Lohan has ever come to giving blood, because even after rehab the residual amount of booze left in her system would probably be enough to curdle a normal human's heart if it was ever used in a transfusion.

Community service works wonders on celebrities because it puts them back in touch with real-life, teaches them the value of hard work and, in Boy George's case at least, offers a small window that can't be spent chaining up male prostitutes to his wall. And Lindsay Lohan's community service is more suitable that most.

As her wild 2007 draws to a close – one that involved, rehab, a DUI arrest, rehab, another DUI arrest, rehab again and two movies that honestly couldn't have been worse if they co-starred Geri Halliwell as Lindsay Lohan's wacky older sister – Lindsay Lohan now has to face up to what she's done. Although technically Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to four days in jail after her second DUI arrest – the one that she cleverly preempted by shouting "I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want." – she managed to get it reduced to two so long as she carried out ten days of community service.

Sadly, Lindsay Lohan had to take the community service in Los Angeles and not her recent home of Utah, where she could have provided invaluable support scaring the locals with fire after dark. And that's why Lindsay Lohan spent most of yesterday working at an American Red Cross blood services facility in a Los Angeles suburb, turning up at noon and leaving at 7pm with a book entitled Blood under her arm, a strange red smear across her face and a new-found irrational fear of garlic and crucifixes.

Sending Lindsay Lohan to a blood bank for her community service was always going to be the most sensible option for her. Not only will she be able to repay her debt to a community still scared of setting foot outside in case a scrawny drunk nitwit careers her car into one of their shrubs, but it's also Lindsay Lohan's chance to help replenish the blood stocks she gobbled up when she gashed her leg on Bryan Adams' teapot or any of the other times she's managed to clumsily injure herself on objects that even toddlers would generally assume to be safe.

Not only that, but all this exposure to blood will help Lindsay Lohan immeasurably if she ever either decides to make a film about blood or get a part-time job mopping up the blood after illegal redneck cockfights when she realises that nobody wants to go and see her in films any more. So probably the latter.