There’s nothing worse than having to sit down and read loads of words. Especially if you’ve broken your leg or had your eyes ripped out by a sexually aggressive crow. That’s why we like to help you out by making some videos for you every now and then.
It doesn’t mean they’re good- as you can see Dep Ed Michael & ‘Spray scribe Euan have very, very shaky hands. That doesn’t matter though because, for your viewing pleasure, they’ve had a think about what Lawyers do when they’re not out chasing ambulances.
Fresh from its victorious sinking of the Tumblr Trawler, Webthump is here to receive your adulation!
Well, not quite. We’ve donned our fisherman’s waders to have a carcinogenic rummage in the foetid, elbow-deep cesspool that is the Internet. All to bring you something to gawp at while fondling your shriveled genitals. We could have been doing something useful with our time, like whittling voodoo dolls of Russell ‘new relationship’ Brand from old lolly sticks.
From the congealed masses of pornography and dead Myspace pages we’ve managed to dredge up a few sparkling gems of entertainment. We’ve brought you 10 of the best, worst and weirdest that mankind’s collective intelligence can vomit up.
Winona Ryder once said: “Dear diary, my teen angst bullshit now has a body count,” clearly she was watching Skins where, in the opening three episodes of the season, two people have been brutally butchered from the cast list. We haven’t seen one funeral.
In fact the closest we come to Richard Curtis territory is a seaside elegy and mere reference to a wedding. Obviously this is too inherently British for the residents of Bristol who are more content to wallow.
It’s all getting totes emosh up in here which is no doubt why the writers this week introduced us all to a new plucky character to reconfigure the group dynamic. He’s gay too, so that not-graphic-enough-sex-scene ticks another demographic box for the youth enveloping programme.
Even though Katy Perry and Russell Brand’s marriage was something of a surprise, one good thing about it was that their idiocy was self-contained. They could spend time together being irritating toward each other, occasionally giving us plebians a rest. However, they went and spoiled it all.
Since the couple split, they’re about to unleash their OOOH AREN’T I DIFFERENT AND FUNNY AND QUIRKY on the world again, however, now it’ll be ramped up because they have something to prove to each other.
So now, the circus of who Brand and Perry will try and have sex with next is rolling into town. So step up the most irritating actress of a generation and a farcical god-fearing American footballerist!
Matthew Broderick is a man with a surprisingly unremarkable film career.
We don’t mean he doesn’t make money- we’re sure he’s super-successful if judged by wealth. However, before you continue reading, grab a pad of paper and a pen. If, like us, you get hand-cramp from even writing your own name, then just open up a word document instead.
Now make a list of all the Matthew Broderick films of which you can remember. Done that? Now cross out all the ones that weren’t artistic travesties. Come on, be honest with yourselves. By the way if you didn’t cross out Godzilla it’s probably best if you cease this exercie immediately.
And-roid Warhol. A psychedelic treehouse. A tank made of cheese. If there were any words we could employ to try and sway you into watching Noel Fielding’s newest “offering”, it would be these.
They show us many, many things. That Noel Fielding is sticking to his tried and tested roots of clashing the realistic with the absurd, with brain warping determination. That he clearly takes himself either far too seriously, or not serious enough. And that there clearly isn’t such a thing as flogging a dead equine.
We all liked The Mighty Boosh, that was unashamedly brilliant [No we didn't. Some of us hated it and everyone who watched it. Ed]. Everything from the ground to The Moon was dead-on: keep things simple and fun and show everyone why Caroline Quentin probably shouldn’t be in a mismatched family unit. The mixture of boring situations clashing with fantastical characters kept us coming back for more. But Luxury Comedy seems trite and, slightly forced. Watch. Watch us how we’re magically become Noel Fielding.
Head Judges. Every reality show has one, even the ones where they can’t quite work out who the head judge is (yes, we’re looking at you, X Factor). And on Dancing on Ice, that privilege lies with Robin Cousins. Unfortunately for everyone else though, it seems the producers forgot to explain the show to him.
Robin Cousins, you see, has pretty much entirely missed the point of the show that he presides over. Which is a competition to find the celebrity that is best at skating round in circles and doing a bit of twirling. According to Mr Cousins, though, the celebrities only have to compete with themselves. Get that?
They’re not competing with each other, just themselves. Which makes for a pretty shit show unless ITV have been cloning celebrities in some kind of spectacular reality-meets-unnatural science experiment.
These are dark times for that there internet. As the vultures circle around the rotting carcass of the World Wide Web, we disembark our safe harbour to take a tour round the Cape of Good Tumblr. This is The Tumblr Trawler…
Naturally, we’re assuming that some of you have never even seen a Tumblr, let alone know all about the intricate system of interactions and the thought processes which go into making one. Therefore, we make no apologies if you’ve heard of one of these before or even bought their god damn book. Okay?
5. We’ll start this week’s count down with kittens because, if there’s one thing we learned from doing Webthump for all these years, it’s that you lot bloody love a good kitten. So why not take a look at some kittens taking their place in famous album covers. Highlights include ‘Kittenage Fanclub‘, ‘Johnny Cat‘ & ‘Catwerk‘. See them all at The Kitten Covers.
4. We all have family members that we don’t speak to very much because they were clearly dropped on their head as a child but what would happen if you were keeping a note of every text you ever received from them so that you could put it on tumblr. Some might say that you would be a bad person but the person behind Texts from Bennett would probably disagree.
3. At hecklerspray, we have such a high level of job satisfaction that we like nothing more than flicking through page after page of people complaining about their terrible working conditions. Luckily for us (and for you) there’s Please Fire Me. It’s like Post Secret in that people can anonymously tell the site what they hate about their job without fear of getting fired. These are tough economic times and if you have to keep your job despite your co-workers being idiots then look no further. This tumblr’s for you!
2. Are you trying online dating? Finding that it isn’t for you? Have you run into one of these people who are getting it so wrong that it’s not really terribly funny any more? Well, why not have a flick through Messages From Match and see if you don’t appreciate the next person who asks to see a photo of your genitals just that little bit more.
1. This week’s number one was a shoo-in as soon as we saw it. Yr Wifi needs no more introduction than to say it’s a list of amusing, stupid or down-right insulting names for Wifi Hotspots. Read on and be ashamed of your standardised router. Highlights include ‘Pretty Fly for a Wifi‘, ‘I Still Miss Phil Hartman‘ & the frankly brilliant ‘Wu Tang LAN’
Happy New Year, you jerk-offs. A lot of you have been snivelling onto us, trying to get us to bring back Readers’ Letters so that you don’t have to trawl through our articles looking for all the nut jobs that believe we’re being serious (which we are, obviously) and to you we say only this. [...]
Yes, it’s that time again when hecklerspray leads you by the hand through the murky, briny underbelly of the internet in our Tumblr Trawler. For those of you that might be wondering, it’s actually a real boat that we use to burn the carcasses of hecklerspray writers who have passed onto Valhalla. It’s been a [...]
There’s nothing worse than having to sit down and read loads of words. Especially if you’ve broken your leg or had your eyes ripped out by a sexually aggressive crow. That’s why we like to help you out by making some videos for you every now and then.
