When ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ first came out, women all over the world shouted muffled ”hurrah” sounds from their pie-filled gobs, while patting their little round bellies and thanking Hollywood for making a decent film about  a ‘normal’ woman who ate stuff and wanted a boyfriend, regardless of how dull he was.

Then they made the hideous ’Bridget Jones- The Edge of Reason’ and everyone shouted “THAT WAS SHITE”, called her fat and wished she was dead.

So Hollywood in its infinite wisdom has decided to make a trilogy and, with no third novel to base the film on, we’re hoping they at least set it somewhere good. Like space.

Apparently squashy faced, cowboy loving Renee Zellweger has agreed to play Bridget again but only on the condition that she doesn’t have to eat anything made from food.

A source said:

“Renee had no reservations about saying yes once she found out she wouldn’t have to get fat”

“She hated having to do that in the last two films”

Brilliant. Having a head like a lollipop is far more attractive anyway.

Also rumoured to be keen as mustard to reprise his role as Mark Darcy is King Colin Firth. Colin told the BBC earlier this month:

“I don’t really want to be part of a perpetual franchise but we’re all getting so old!”

“I think the idea of Mark, Daniel and Bridget in the advanced stages of deterioration could be quite fun. We’re making a comedy after all”

The only way that would ever be fun is if the ‘advanced stages of deterioration’ was referring to their lifeless corpses and we can all watch, safe in the knowledge that they will never, EVER bother us again.

Fun is not watching two camp fifty-something men, fighting over some underweight forty-something woman who used to be slightly endearing when she wore big pants, had crap hair and took it up the arse with that Cleaver bloke.

ENOUGH.

We beg you.

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This week’s filthy likes and dislikes.

Folded:

• Scott Mills (annoying as you like on the radio, but fair play to him for making that difficult The World’s Worst Place to Be Gay? programme. Slapped repeatedly with a chicken for goodness sake)
• National Express’ profits are up nearly 40% (great news for them, though undoubtedly means we are all too poor and undignified to get the train)
• Colin Firth not winning Best Actor at the Academy Awards (c’mon let’s get behind this idea and see if the world really does end)
• Born This Way by Lady Gaga (yes it sounds like Express Yourself and yes we don’t care)
• The Social Network, out this week on DVD (populated entirely by characters you won’t give a stuff about. Still worth borrowing a copy off your mate)

Creased:

• That new Radiohead Album, The King of something or other (one step forward, two steps back)
• Jesse J (looks a bit like Katy Perry, sounds a bit bus stop)
• Talking to celebrities (what would you say to someone in the biz you actually admire if you met them? Exactly, your question is pants and/or offensive. He/she has now left and you’ve been escorted from the building)
• Martin Sheen on BBC’s The One Show (seemingly confused but still ace Hollywood megastar meets the very worst UK TV has to offer. Proud)
• Virgin Media’s ‘A More Exciting Place to Live’ advert (so painfully up its own passage that BT almost seems like a better option)

Hey! It’s the Golden Globes! No, that’s not C3PO’s testicles, but rather, yet another stupid awards ceremony that will appear on the stickers of DVD releases next year in an attempt to make us part with our cash.

Us Limey bastards can show fleeting pride too as The King’s Speech – which stars more Limey bastards – got Quite A Few Nominations.

Colin Firth and Helena Bonham Carter play blueblooded lizard shits George VI and Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother in the film which no-one you’ll have met has seen.

Of course, there are a whole bunch of people nominated for seemingly endless awards. If you can stay awake long enough, the entire list is lovingly written out for you below.

You’ll also see that, in the category for Best Actor – Motion Picture Musical or Comedy, Johnny Depp is nominated twice. We’re hoping that it goes to a sing-off or something.

Sadly, the Golden Globes doesn’t have a category for the one genre that is most watched concerning celebrities – Best Sex Tape Or Leaked Photographs. That would be hotly contested and really show how gaspingly desperate celebrities are for our attention.

Shame.

Anyway, here’s a really long list of stuff that’s nearly as boring to read as the experience of going to the cinema itself. Enjoy it or something. We don’t actually give two shites.

MOVIES:

Best Motion Picture – Drama

The King’s Speech
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Social Network

Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy

Alice In Wonderland
Burlesque
The Kids Are All Right
Red
The Tourist

Best Director

Tom Hooper – The King’s Speech
Darren Aronofsky – Black Swan
Christopher Nolan – Inception
David O. Russell – The Fighter
David Fincher – The Social Network

Best Actor – Motion Picture Drama

Colin Firth – The King’s Speech
Jesse Eisenberg – The Social Network
Mark Wahlberg – The Fighter
James Franco – 127 Hours
Ryan Gosling – Blue Valentine

Best Actor – Motion Picture Musical or Comedy

Johnny Depp – Alice In Wonderland
Johnny Depp – The Tourist
Paul Giamatti – Barney’s Version
Jake Gyllenhaal – Love and Other Drugs
Kevin Spacey – Casino Jack

Best Actress – Motion Picture Drama

Halle Berry – Frankie and Alice
Nicole Kidman – Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence – Winter’s Bone
Natalie Portman – Black Swan
Michelle Williams – Blue Valentine

Best Actress – Motion Picture Musical or Comedy

Annette Bening – The Kids Are All Right
Julianne Moore – The Kids Are All Right
Anne Hathaway – Love & Other Drugs
Angelina Jolie – The Tourist
Emma Stone – Easy A

Best Supporting Actor – Motion Picture

Christian Bale – The Fighter
Michael Douglas – Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
Andrew Garfield – The Social Network
Jeremy Renner – The Town
Geoffrey Rush – The King’s Speech

Best Supporting Actress – Motion Picture

Melissa Leo – The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter – The King’s Speech
Mila Kunis – Black Swan
Amy Adams – The Fighter
Jacki Weaver – Animal Kingdom

Best Screenplay

Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy – 127 Hours
Lisa Cholodenko, Stuart Blumberg – The Kids Are All Right
Christopher Nolan – Inception
David Seidler – The King’s Speech
Aaron Sorkin – The Social Network

Best Original Score

Alexandre Desplat – The King’s Speech
Danny Elfman – Alice in Wonderland
A.R. Rahman – 127 Hours
Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross – The Social Network
Hans Zimmer – Inception

Best Original Song

Bound to You (written by Samuel Dixon, Christina Aguilera, Sia Furler) – Burlesque
Coming Home (written by Bob DiPiero, Tom Douglas, Hillary Lindsey, Troy Verges) – Country Strong
I See the Light (written by Alan Menken, Glenn Slater) – Tangled
There’s a Place for Us (written by Carrie Underwood, David Hodges, Hillary Lindsey) – The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me (written by Diane Warren) – Burlesque

Best Foreign Language Film

Biutiful
The Concert
The Edge
I Am Love
In a Better World

Best Animated Film

Toy Story 3
The Illusionist
How to Train Your Dragon
Despicable Me
Tangled

FOR TELEVISION:

Best Drama Series

Boardwalk Empire
Dexter
The Good Wife
Mad Men
The Walking Dead

Best Comedy Series

Glee
30 Rock
The Big Bang Theory
The Big C
Modern Family
Nurse Jackie

Best Actor in a Television Drama Series

Steve Buscemi – Boardwalk Empire
Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall – Dexter
Jon Hamm – Mad Men
Hugh Laurie – House

Best Actress in a Television Drama Series

Julianna Margulies – The Good Wife
Elisabeth Moss – Mad Men
Piper Perabo – Covert Affairs
Katey Sagal – The Closer
Kyra Sedgwick – The Closer

Best Actress in a Television Comedy Series

Toni Collette – The United States of Tara
Edie Falco – Nurse Jackie
Tina Fey – 30 Rock
Laura Linney – The Big C
Lea Michele – Glee

Best Actor in a Television Comedy Series

Alec Baldwin – 30 Rock
Steve Carell – The Office
Thomas Jane – Hung
Matthew Morrison – Glee
Jim Parsons -The Big Bang Theory

Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television

Carlos – Sundance Channel
The Pacific – HBO
Temple Grandin – HBO
You Don’t Know Jack – HBO
Pillars of the Earth – Starz

Best Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television

Idris Elba – Luther
Ian McShane – Pillars of the Earth
Al Pacino – You Don’t Know Jack
Dennis Quaid – The Special Relationship
Edgar Ramirez – Carlos

Best Actress in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television

Hayley Atwell – Pillars of the Earth
Claire Danes – Temple Grandin
Judi Dench – Return to Cranford
Romola Garai – Emma
Jennifer Love Hewitt – The Client List

Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television

Scott Caan – Hawaii Five-O
Chris Colfer – Glee
Chris Noth – The Good Wife
Eric Stonestreet – Modern Family
David Strathairn – Temple Grandin

Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television

Hope Davis – The Special Relationship
Jane Lynch – Glee
Kelly Macdonald – Broadwalk Empire
Julia Stiles – Dexter
Sofia Vergara – Modern Family

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Good news, people: the world’s second biggest twat, otherwise known as Jonathan Edward Borrell, is to be murdered.

OK, OK, yeahyeahyeah, it’s only going to happen in a movie, but sometimes life imitates art, right? Right? Right. We can but hope. Our fingers remain firmly crossed.

Borrell is to star in the new film by Antonia Bird and Irvine Welsh, named The Meat Trade, and will be killed by two grave robbers, played by Robert Carlyle and Colin Firth. Jonathan Edward told the Daily Star:

"It's going to be so much fun. I love horror and I'm a really big fan of Irvine Welsh's work. I loved Trainspotting."

Oh, it’s horror! There should be lots of blood then. Let’s hope Antonia and Irvine get twat number one, Bono, involved. And Keane. And The Feeling. Oh, please The Feeling. And why not stab Luke Pritchard of The Kooks in the mouth with a rusty screwdriver while you’re at it? Why not?

The film is about two body snatchers snatching bodies in Edinburgh and should be released sometime next year. Hecklerspray waits with baited breath. But how will Borrell die, Irvine?

Hecklerspray likes to think Carlyle and Firth will recruit sometime actor Bob Dylan to do this excellent deed. On the release of his band’s debut, Up All Night, Borrell spouted some awful shit out of his mouth-arsehole which decided it was better than Dylan’s first album proper. Get your own back, Bob. But do it for real like Brandon Lee. Come on. Be a sport.

Or, if Bob can’t be reached for some reason, why not contact Morrissey? Borrell did “feel sorry” for Moz when he somehow didn’t manage to draw as big a crowd at V Festival a few years back. People really are stupid.

You are now officially 87% stupider if you voluntarily listen to Johnny Borrell’s arsehole gibberings with feelings of enjoyment. Really. They’ve done tests and everything. We don’t know who “they” are but we’re sure these tests have been done. Kind of.

Too harsh? Not harsh enough we say.

Release Mark Chapman already.

Read more:

Johnny Borrell To Be Murdered In New Movie – AngryApe