Here we are, at the end of the first week of our search for Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning.

That’s right – we said our first week. There’s more of this coming next week. Really, you shouldn’t thank us. No, no, you’re too kind. And best of all, the ones next week will all be legitimate contenders for the job, so it’ll be even harder to make jokes about them. Fun!

Anyway, here’s our rundown on Coleen Nolan becoming the new This Morning host…

Coleen Nolan – If you ask us, which we suggest you pretend you do, then we’re not sure how great Coleen Nolan would be as Fern Britton’s replacement. And it’s not just because, stripped of her Loose Women companions, we’re unsure of how she’d cope by herself. It’s something more important than that – we’re nervous of Coleen Nolan’s capacity to self-edit. Look, we all know that Fern Britton had a naughty streak that would cause her to giggle for 20 minutes if someone said the word ‘vibrate’ during a chat. But if the same situation happened to Coleen Nolan, she’d giggle for 20 minutes and then blurt out something massively inappropriate at the top of her voice like “I put dildos up my bum!” before clamping her hand over her mouth in horror as everyone else looked on, mortified. On the other hand, if Coleen Nolan became the new This Morning host, Shane Richie would never ever be a guest on the show. And that is a big plus.

Next week – Christine Bleakley!

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Next week sees the Dancing On Ice final take place – and it’ll be taking place without Coleen Nolan.

Things were against Coleen Nolan from the very start. Last night Coleen Nolan had to contend with a back injury that she picked up in training. And to her credit, during her routine to You’re Still The One, it didn’t seem as if Coleen was injured at all. Admittedly that’s because she always skates like a woman with a smashed spine, but never mind.

So who’ll win Dancing On Ice on Sunday? Here’s our rundown for Jessica Taylor…

Jessica Taylor -  If you judged Dancing On Ice purely on its merits then Jessica Taylor would finish the final in second place. Then again, if you judged Dancing On Ice purely on its merits then it would have been cancelled after the first episode. Anyway, the point is that, despite being comparatively decent at Dancing On Ice, the judges have had to save Jessica Taylor from elimination twice now, so it’s almost certain that she’ll be first out next week. Maybe one day we’ll find out why Jessica Taylor was so disliked – maybe it was jealousy, maybe the public was intimidated by her talent, or maybe it’s just that she gives off the impression that holding a conversation with her would be like trying to persuade a monkey to tapdance. Who really knows? Apparently, according to the Dancing On Ice judges, Jessica’s fundamentals during her routine to Why last night were even better than Ray Quinn’s. We don’t know if that’s true or not because, as usual with Jessica Taylor’s routines, we completely drifted off about 10 seconds in and started to think about crisps or something. Dancing On Ice score – 26.5

Tomorrow: the Dancing On Ice final profile for Donal MacIntyre.

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Once again, we come to the end of another week of Dancing On Ice rundowns – and something’s just hit us.

Famously Dancing On Ice has the stupidest viewers on TV – as evidenced by the way it keeps voting off the good skaters – and that’s given us a terrifying thought: is Coleen Nolan going to win Dancing On Ice? She hasn’t been in a skate-off yet, so the viewers obviously love her. She might win. That’s a chilling proposition. Someone hold us.

Anyway, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Ray Quinn…

Ray Quinn – You want to know how good Ray Quinn is at Dancing On Ice? You want to know why a man who looks like an Atom Boy doll with radiation burns is bound to win Dancing On Ice? OK, here’s why – last week Ray Quinn ballsed his routine up spectacularly, by wearing a hat back to front and being unable to throw things without looking like a polio-stricken girl, and yet he still came top on the Dancing On Ice scoreboard. He’s just that much better than his competitors. In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king, they say. We think that means someone should partially blind Ray Quinn.

But until that happens, we’ve got to put up with even more typically excellent routines, like Ray’s performance on Sunday to Use Somebody. The routine’s high point was a sort of starjump that would have scuppered a lesser skater. However, Ray pulled it off with aplomb. This, we’re sure you’re aware, is because Ray Quinn doesn’t actually have any genitals. Dancing On Ice score – 28

Next week: our final week of Dancing On Ice rundowns.

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This might be a record – if we’re correct then next week’s Dancing On Ice semi-final will be the least talented on record.

That’s because last night Zoe Salmon was voted off. We can see why – Zoe’s routine to Run was preceded by a VT about what a deranged little madam she is, and it actually looked like she was crying through the performance – but this means that either Coleen Nolan or Donal McIntyre will definitely make the final now. How completely messed up.

Anyway, Zoe Salmon is out of Dancing On Ice, so here’s the rundown for Coleen Nolan…

Coleen Nolan – Here’s a tip: if you ever wanted to do well at Dancing On Ice, you should probably think about endorsing frozen £1 sausages for cash first. That’s literally the only reason we can think of as to why Coleen Nolan is still on Dancing On Ice. Her scores have been terrible for a month and her routines have been embarrassing slow motion panty affairs, and yet she hasn’t even been in a skate-off yet. It has to be because she’s the nice frozen sausage lady off the telly, or it could be that all Dancing On Ice viewers are idiots. We’ll accept either answer, really. This week on Dancing On Ice, Coleen fell over so hard that she busted her wrist enough for her to be hospitalised – and then went on to get her best score of the series for her routine to Diamonds Are Forever. So if a knackered wrist can help her get her best score, we reckon that if she shatters her shins with a mallet before next week’s show she’ll be up there with Ray Quinn. You can do it, Coleen! We believe in you! Dancing On Ice score – 18.5

Tomorrow - Jessica Taylor‘s Dancing On Ice rundown.

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Another week on Dancing On Ice, another week where Coleen Nolan inexplicably survives – Roxanne Pallett is out.

That’s not really a surprise – dressing up like a kind of porno version of I Dream Of Jeannie on a show primarily watched by middle-aged housewives is never a good tactical choice – but it’s still sad to see Roxanne Pallett leave Dancing On Ice. Especially since her prop last night was a chair that she barely got up from, making her just about the sexiest Ironside impersonator we’ve ever seen.

But with no more Roxanne Pallett, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown for Coleen Nolan…

Coleen Nolan – Without a doubt, Coleen Nolan has exceeded her wildest dreams on Dancing On Ice. That’s mostly because Coleen Nolan’s wildest dreams on Dancing On Ice probably involved her not smashing her face into liquid during the first second of her first training session. However, despite being the oldest, plumpest and least convincing female remaining on Dancing On Ice, she’s still going strong. OK, maybe ‘strong’ is the wrong word. But she’s still going – to date, Coleen hasn’t been in a single skate-off. And that’s just weird. Given her confusing Dancing On Ice routine with a feather boa to I Just Want To Make Love To You on Sunday, though, her days must surely be numbered. Not only was her interaction with the boa limited to wearing it around her neck, but she also struggled so much with looking sexy that she had to get someone in just to teach her what sexy looked like. And, if your definition of sexy involves pulling a face like an asthmatic cat anus, then Coleen did very well. If you don’t, though, it was disappointing. Dancing On Ice score – 16.5

Tomorrow: the Dancing On Ice rundown for Donal MacIntyre.

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There’s no point kidding yourself, you knew this day was coming – Melinda Messenger has been voted off Dancing On Ice.

Not even being spun around one-handed ten feet in the air could save Melinda Messenger last night. It was inevitable – Melinda was just built wrong for skating. Her jaw is so perfectly square that the only way she could ever hope to find perfect balance would be to have her tits surgically implanted onto her arse, and that’d just be weird.

So who’ll win Dancing On Ice? Here’s our rundown for Coleen Nolan…

Coleen Nolan – Never in her wildest dreams could Coleen Nolan have imagined that she’d still be on Dancing On Ice this far down the line. At best she was probably hoping to be able to do her skates off without developing emphysema and hacking up four gallons of brown phlegm. But, no, Coleen Nolan is still going strong on Dancing On Ice, and it’s all down to the strength of her personality. It’s not down to her ice skating ability because, as we all know, Coleen is shit at ice skating. And that was painfully apparent during Sunday’s routine to The Shoop Shoop Song. Although Coleen was happy to tell everyone that she’s a showgirl beforehand, the truth is that she’s probably the world’s most weepy and exhausted-looking showgirl if she’s one at all. But, hey, she was married to Shane Richie, so let’s cut the poor woman some slack. Dancing On Ice score – 16.5

Tomorrow: Dancing On Ice recap for Roxanne Pallet and Donal MacIntyre.

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Oh thank heavens – the Dancing On Ice theme nights have kicked in with aplomb, and not a moment too soon.

Sunday’s Dancing On Ice was themed around the 1980s, and for good reason. Not only was it the decade when Philip Schofield‘s hair last didn’t make him look like the Werther’s Original grandpa, but it was also the last time on record that Torvill And Dean last dressed anywhere near their ages. Oh, happy times.

Anyway, here are our Dancing On Ice rundowns for Coleen Nolan and Roxanne Pallet…

Coleen Nolan – Usually the older ladies don’t do so well at Dancing On Ice – like that newsreader lady who smashed her face into mush a couple of years ago, for instance – but Coleen Nolan is currently playing out of her skin. Maybe it’s because she’s got nothing to lose – even if she clattered into the barrier and shat herself on live TV it’d still be the fourth-worst thing she’d ever done after Loose Women, those Iceland adverts and marrying Shane Richie. For her Dancing On Ice performance on Sunday, Coleen decided to replace her usual chirpy manner with a more romantic side with a routine to Lady In Red. How was it? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. Ugh. Memo to Coleen. Lessen your HRT dose. Ugh. Dancing On Ice score – 14.5

Roxanne Pallet – Roxanne Pallet’s a bit of a sucker for these ITV reality TV shows, isn’t she? She’s already done Soapstar Superstar and now she’s doing Dancing On Ice. Our advice to Roxanne Pallet would be to carry on doing as many shows like this as she can – eventually she’ll do one that she’s halfway good at, surely. Especially if it’s about sustaining  serious torso injuries, because Roxanne actually managed to dislocate one of her ribs in training for her Dancing On Ice routine to China In Your Hands last week. Luckily, though, Roxanne managed to struggle through the pain enough to do her routine dressed in what appeared to be a witch’s net curtain. That is literally all we can remember about it. Dancing On Ice score – 16

Tomorrow: Dancing On Ice recaps for Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor.

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Oh, the Dancing On Ice midweek lull. How we hate you.

Last week’s show is now fading from memory, and we still have over half a week before the next one begins. What will it bring? Who’ll skate well? Who’ll skate badly? What desperately pre-rehearsed facial expression will Skeletor Judge pull when everyone boos his name? How many times will Holly Willoughby say ‘thank you’ to the judges within the space of one sentence? More than five? We just can’t wait to find out.

In the meantime, though, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Coleen Nolan and Zoe Salmon…

Coleen Nolan - Right. We’ve decided that enough’s enough. Just because Coleen Nolan grins through all her Dancing On Ice routines like the happiest woman in the world, it doesn’t mean we like her. We’re hecklerspray, damnit, and we won’t be tricked by something as cheap as genuine joie de vivre. Smiling just isn’t going to cut it, anymore. Coleen Nolan is going to have to do something spectacular to win our favour from now on, like wink directly at the camera or blow us a kiss or something. Oh Jesus, why is this happening to us?

Zoe Salmon – The most entertaining thing about Zoe Salmon, aside from the way her last name is a type of fish – which is HILARIOUS – is her determination not to keep bursting into tears every time she falls over. She’s already tried hypnosis, with varying degrees of success, and we’re eagerly looking forward to seeing what she tries next. Fingers crossed it involves a hot glue gun and her own tear ducts. Why are we banging on about this instead of Zoe Salmon’s skating? Because if it was any less memorable it’d be made of dust, that’s why. Duh.

Tomorrow: Jessica Taylor and Ray Quinn.

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As well as being the show where everyone decided that they didn’t like Michael Underwood, Sunday’s Dancing On Ice was special for another reason.

And that was the return of Christopher Dean. For the last few shows Christopher Dean had been out of action with an injury, so he had been unable to open the show with a fancy skating routine. But on Sunday, he and Jane Torvill were back doing what they do best – dressing up like a gay waiter and a chavvy single mother respectively. Hooray!

Anyway, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown for Melinda Messenger and Coleen Nolan…

Melinda Messenger – Melinda Messenger’s life is a tightrope between personal happiness and professional success. For instance, as soon as she got married, Melinda Messenger disappeared from sight. Then she split up from her husband, started getting underwear modelling contracts again and was allowed on Dancing On Ice. Then she got back with her husband and her dancing has fallen to pieces. What are the odds, eh? At least we’re presuming that it fell apart on Sunday – we’re sorry to admit that we were absolutely distracted by the woman’s cleavage, which may well be the most precarious in television history. Oh, let’s just assume she did badly. Dancing On Ice score -16.5

Coleen Nolan – As well as never forgiving Dancing On Ice for mercilessly stealing two hours of our weekend for three months, we’ve found something else to not forgive Dancing On Ice for – making us like Coleen Nolan. We were all geared up to hate her, but after last week’s gleeful routine, we… we… don’t think she’s entirely worthless. God, we feel so dirty.  Not even the potentially humiliating sight of seeing Coleen Nolan dance to I’m In The Mood For Dancing, her own song, on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice could phase her. Yes, it was awkward, clumsy and stiff, but it was also genuinely endearing. Someone help us, please. Dancing On Ice score – 16

Tomorrow – Zoe Salmon, Roxanne Pallett and Todd Carty…

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