Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Here we are, at the end of the first week of our search for Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning.
That’s right – we said our first week. There’s more of this coming next week. Really, you shouldn’t thank us. No, no, you’re too kind. And best of all, the ones next week will all be legitimate contenders for the job, so it’ll be even harder to make jokes about them. Fun!
Anyway, here’s our rundown on Coleen Nolan becoming the new This Morning host…
Next week sees the Dancing On Ice final take place – and it’ll be taking place without Coleen Nolan.
Things were against Coleen Nolan from the very start. Last night Coleen Nolan had to contend with a back injury that she picked up in training. And to her credit, during her routine to You're Still The One, it didn't seem as if Coleen was injured at all. Admittedly that's because she always skates like a woman with a smashed spine, but never mind.
So who’ll win Dancing On Ice on Sunday? Here’s our rundown for Jessica Taylor…
Once again, we come to the end of another week of Dancing On Ice rundowns – and something’s just hit us.
Famously Dancing On Ice has the stupidest viewers on TV – as evidenced by the way it keeps voting off the good skaters – and that’s given us a terrifying thought: is Coleen Nolan going to win Dancing On Ice? She hasn’t been in a skate-off yet, so the viewers obviously love her. She might win. That’s a chilling proposition. Someone hold us.
Anyway, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Ray Quinn…
This might be a record – if we’re correct then next week’s Dancing On Ice semi-final will be the least talented on record.
That’s because last night Zoe Salmon was voted off. We can see why – Zoe’s routine to Run was preceded by a VT about what a deranged little madam she is, and it actually looked like she was crying through the performance – but this means that either Coleen Nolan or Donal McIntyre will definitely make the final now. How completely messed up.
Anyway, Zoe Salmon is out of Dancing On Ice, so here’s the rundown for Coleen Nolan…
Another week on Dancing On Ice, another week where Coleen Nolan inexplicably survives – Roxanne Pallett is out.
That’s not really a surprise – dressing up like a kind of porno version of I Dream Of Jeannie on a show primarily watched by middle-aged housewives is never a good tactical choice – but it’s still sad to see Roxanne Pallett leave Dancing On Ice. Especially since her prop last night was a chair that she barely got up from, making her just about the sexiest Ironside impersonator we’ve ever seen.
But with no more Roxanne Pallett, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown for Coleen Nolan…
There’s no point kidding yourself, you knew this day was coming – Melinda Messenger has been voted off Dancing On Ice.
Not even being spun around one-handed ten feet in the air could save Melinda Messenger last night. It was inevitable – Melinda was just built wrong for skating. Her jaw is so perfectly square that the only way she could ever hope to find perfect balance would be to have her tits surgically implanted onto her arse, and that?d just be weird.
So who’ll win Dancing On Ice? Here’s our rundown for Coleen Nolan…
Oh thank heavens – the Dancing On Ice theme nights have kicked in with aplomb, and not a moment too soon.
Sunday’s Dancing On Ice was themed around the 1980s, and for good reason. Not only was it the decade when Philip Schofield‘s hair last didn’t make him look like the Werther’s Original grandpa, but it was also the last time on record that Torvill And Dean last dressed anywhere near their ages. Oh, happy times.
Anyway, here are our Dancing On Ice rundowns for Coleen Nolan and Roxanne Pallet…
Oh, the Dancing On Ice midweek lull. How we hate you.
Last week’s show is now fading from memory, and we still have over half a week before the next one begins. What will it bring? Who’ll skate well? Who’ll skate badly? What desperately pre-rehearsed facial expression will Skeletor Judge pull when everyone boos his name? How many times will Holly Willoughby say ‘thank you’ to the judges within the space of one sentence? More than five? We just can’t wait to find out.
In the meantime, though, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Coleen Nolan and Zoe Salmon…
As well as being the show where everyone decided that they didn’t like Michael Underwood, Sunday’s Dancing On Ice was special for another reason.
And that was the return of Christopher Dean. For the last few shows Christopher Dean had been out of action with an injury, so he had been unable to open the show with a fancy skating routine. But on Sunday, he and Jane Torvill were back doing what they do best – dressing up like a gay waiter and a chavvy single mother respectively. Hooray!
Anyway, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown for Melinda Messenger and Coleen Nolan…
