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coldplay

Coldplay Fail To Grasp Concept Of ‘Awareness Raising’ By Playing ‘Secret’ Gig. Imbeciles.

by Paul Pencott

Terrible, terrible bland-meisters Coldplay have taken time off from providing the soundtrack to every tiresome Ikea-furnished dinner party hosted by those really ‘sincere’ friends of yours that you actually really don’t like (they’ve got white fairy-lights in their tastefully-decorated front-room for God’s sake) to raise consciousness for the homeless charity Crisis. Whilst ignoring the irony [...]

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Coldplay Make Music That Is So Woeful That It’s Likely To Put You Into A Coma

by Mof Gimmers

Rock music is in a terrible place at the moment. That’s not to say that there’s no good bands knocking around… but by shitting crikey, those that find themselves at the top of the tree are making music that is so gaspingly dull that you wonder if guitars should be outlawed or, at least used [...]

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Glee + Coldplay = Please Just Kill Us Now

by Paul Pencott

We never thought we’d say this, but Bryan Adams is now our only hope of averting worldwide cultural meltdown. Unbearably saccharine source of tween fake optimism and total travesty Glee has been given the go-ahead by Coldplay – purveyors of music so meh that if it were a colour it would be beige – to [...]

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MySpace Trawl – Jon Hopkins

by Matthew Laidlow

One of the best things about getting free stuff is the press releases that come attached. Typically they’ll start with the awful phrase “xxx xxx is a man who knows no bounds”. However, even we have to sometimes use phrases we hate to describe various things. In this case, Jon Hopkins is a man who [...]

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Coldplay Deny Stealing That Song That Sounds Exactly Like Theirs

by Stuart Heritage

Quickly – try to think of something more boring than a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay.

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It’s The Brit Awards Tonight. Contain Yourself.

by Matthew Laidlow

Tonight, ITV wipes its entire schedule of supposed entertainment to bring us the Brit Awards 2009.

It may not have happened yet, but we can’t see it being edgy, cool or vaguely risky. The show goes out at 8pm, leaving today’s young pop stars with an entire hour to swear before the watershed kicks in.

Just over a week ago, we watched the Grammys which quite frankly overshadowed the entire Brits ceremony. Not only did the Grammys have a million categories where nearly everyone can win, but we don’t expect there to be any pre-show scraps like the alleged one between Rihanna and Chris Brown. Unless someone attacks Chris Martin with a pack of streaky bacon.

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Did Coldplay Steal Their Dreary Tunes From Joe Satriani?

by Stuart Heritage

Imagine if you realised that a song you wrote sounded quite like Coldplay – you’d kill yourself out of shame, wouldn’t you.

Well, not if you’re Joe Satriani. Joe’s claiming that Coldplay ripped off chunks his song If I Could Fly in Viva La Vida, and he’s suing the band for everything they’ve got – so essentially a U2 songbook, some tatty faux-Napoleonic jackets and a scrawny wife who always looks miserable.

Why wasn’t the comparison between the songs pointed out sooner? Because everyone knows that if you own a Coldplay album and a Joe Satriani album, you must be drowned like a witch, that’s why.

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Grammy Noms: Hey, Some People Still Like Coldplay!

by Stuart Heritage

British people, it’s time to celebrate – the world’s smuggest, dreariest, most interminable music awards show likes our music!

Some of the nominations for next year’s Grammys have been announced, and British names like Robert Plant, Adele, Duffy, MIA and Radiohead are all over them. Now we’re not saying that this is because 2008 was a bad year for music, but Coldplay did get seven nominations, so we suppose in retrospect we are a bit.

And this is just the start – next year the rest of the Grammy nominations are announced, including Best Native American Music Album. Come on Coldplay! Make it eight!

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Coldplay Ruin Guitar Hero

by Matthew Laidlow

Remember the old music teacher at school calling you a fat useless shit who’d amount to nothing? As you tried to get those chubby fingers of yours around the holes in the recorder, the evil teacher cackled as you ran out of breath and collapsed on the floor through failing to utter a single note. [...]

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Coldplay Record ‘Sexy’ Duet With Kylie, Public Shudders Preemptively

by Stuart Heritage

Coldplay, like you didn’t already know, have an album coming out soon entitled Look Mummy I’m Just Like Bono! Wheeee! Or something.

And, from what we’ve heard, the new Coldplay album is a lot like the old Coldplay album – it’s all inoffensively big-sounding and the lyrics don’t make much sense and it’ll work decently enough as a soundtrack to those bi-monthly trips to Habitat with the kids. But one thing it isn’t is sexy.

Never fear, though, because Coldplay have already found a solution – they’ve apparently recorded a duet with Kylie. It would have been on their new album, too, except that Chris Martin says it’s “just too sexy.” Hecklerspray accepts no liability for the almost-guaranteed permanent loss of libido caused by reading that last sentence.

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