This week the scum-rags have told us about children’s star Sportacus visiting a young fan who has lost his limbs and doing press-ups and a one-handed handstand in front of him (the definition of rubbing it in surely?) and publishing the name and photos of Baby P’s mum, and then getting cross that she’ll need a new identity.

But we’re guessing you don’t want to unwind in your lunch-hour with quite such dark matter. Well then let’s talk about Kerry Katona, a woman addicted to, and almost biologically allergic to, being famous.

It would seem that the recent criticism of the News of the World about phone-tapping hasn’t upset News International too much. Someone has hidden a camera in Kerry’s house, and sold film of her snorting cocaine to the newspapers, including The Sun. Only in the wonderful world of tabloid journalism can you advocate the filming of someone in their own house and take the moral high ground. They get to condemn her, whilst simultaneously pretending to be concerned about her welfare.

They then have the usual quotes from sources ‘close to the couple’ who can’t believe that Kerry is more concerned with who has installed a camera in her bathroom. Which is an understandable position for the ‘source’ to adopt if you’re the one who installed the camera. Presumably they’re bitter that they couldn’t sell pictures to the Sport of Kerry having a poo under the headline Atomic Shittin’.

On Tuesday The Star got their scoop by interviewing Max Clifford, Kerry’s ex-PR rep and a man whose self-image is so wildly different from the reality, he can say things like “the relationship she has with [husband Mark Croft] is clearly not good for her” without exploding and covering everything in gore and irony.

Next on the hypocrisy train was Iceland with a priceless statement that they had “always stuck by her, as an example of a normal person and mum who has experienced some of the modern-day culture of fame, and how difficult it can be to deal with”. This translates as “we didn’t sack her before, because we made money from the fame in question”. They have also promised to give her “appropriate support, should she require [their] assistance”. What support can fucking Iceland give? Last time I checked there was limited use of frozen lasagne in the rehab process or have they simply misunderstood and were hoping to supply the cold turkey?

The story took on a positively slapstick element yesterday with The Sun reporting how “cops swooped on drug-shame Kerry Katona’s home only to find Mum had gone to Tenerife”. Perhaps the two plain-clothes policemen (can two people ‘swoop’, surely a decent swooping require at least six policemen in full-uniform?) should have read Monday’s Sun when they reported that Katona was going to Tenerife and saved themselves any embarrassingly pointless swoop action.

[story by Si Sharp]

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That’s the reason why everyone’s favourite episodes of The Brady Bunch is the one where Marcia Brady plumbs the squalid depths of addiction thanks to her years growing up in an abusive family, trading sex for drugs and being forced to deal with unwanted pregnancies. And that episode where Marcia Brady gets hammered on Quaaludes in Sammy Davis Jr’s house? Oh Marcia Marcia Marcia.

Wait, they’re not episodes of The Brady Bunch at all – they’re excerpts from Maureen McCormick’s new book, Here’s The Story: Surviving Marcia Brady And Finding My True Voice. You might think that Maureen McCormick has reached a new pitiful low by detailing her battles with depression and drug addiction in a book for cash, but you’re wrong – she’s nowhere near the pitiful low benchmark set by her participation in A Very Brady Christmas.

If we ever have children, the first thing we’re going to do is shove them into ill-fitting careers as childstars. Really, it’s the best thing for them. Admittedly they’ll grow up with a sort of low self-esteem Pavlovian conditioning that’ll equate attention with love, making them spiral off into the dark realms of joyless sex and drug addiction by their early teens. But they’ll thank us later when their careers dry up and they can get an easy second income by detailing what a shitty childhood they had in a series of books.

Honestly, everyone’s at it. Screech from Saved By The Bell has a book coming out, it can only be a matter of time before Gary Coleman releases a book called What’chu Talkin’ ‘Bout: Cries For Help From An Angry Midget and now Marcia Brady actress Maureen McCormick has had a go too.

Previously the two most exciting things to ever happen to anyone from The Brady Bunch were a) when Bobby lost control of his car in The Brady 500 and ended up paralysed from the waist down and b) when Florence Henderson lost her dog and got a bit sad about it.

But that’s nothing, because Maureen McCormick today publishes Here’s The Story: Surviving Marcia Brady And Finding My True Voice, her attempt to make all Brady Bunch fans so depressed and guilty by association that they end up losing all will to live. In the book, Maureen McCormick reveals fun little anecdotes about the time she developed a long-term addiction to cocaine and Quaaludes, the time she spent most of her adult life getting treated for depression, the times she debased herself by swapping sex for drugs and her hilarious unwanted pregnancy. E! Online has details:

“As a teenager, I had no idea that few people are everything they present to the outside world,” McCormick, now 52, writes in the book, excerpts of which were released today. “Yet there I was, hiding the reality of my life behind the unreal perfection of Marcia Brady. No one suspected the fear that gnawed at me even as I lent my voice to the chorus of Bradys singing ‘It’s a Sunshine Day.’”

Well that’s Christmas sorted, then. Everyone we know is getting a copy of Maureen McCormick’s book. That way, by Boxing Day teatime, everyone will be so inert and desolate that they won’t notice that we’ve eaten all the sausage rolls and have stolen their Xboxes. Result.

Let’s hope that Maureen McCormick’s book acts as a valuable warning to the new generation of tween stars rising up in America at the moment. The lesson it teaches is plain to see – make sure you do as many drugs and have as much meaningless sex as possible right now, otherwise you’ll never get that publishing deal in 30 years’ time.

But even someone as distinguished as Helen Mirren still has her problems – like all that cocaine she used to take, for example. That’s all in the past, though, because Helen Mirren has revealed exactly how she managed to quit her drug habit – it’s all thanks to notorious dead Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie.

There’s a reality show in this somewhere, we know it.

Drugs are everywhere these days – you can see it in our culture. Would the Teletubbies exist if it weren’t for the invention of mind-altering hallucinogens? Doubtful. Without drugs, what would Pete Doherty would be doing now? He’d probably a Saturday boy at Games Workshop or something. And who can forget that 1993 episode of Praise Be where Thora Hird gangbanged 24 members of a local church’s congregation because she was high on a mixture of cough medicine and glue? It’s tragic.

And that even goes for Dame Helen Mirren. You may know Helen Mirren as the lady who dressed up like the queen and won every award going last year, but beneath her staid exterior is the heartbeat of a desperate woman.

How desperate? Desperate enough to quite like cocaine and then sort of stop liking it about 25 years ago. Yes, that’s how desperate.

You see, Helen Mirren has been interviewed in this month’s GQ magazine and she decided to go for the whole ‘My Drug Hell’ angle – or at least she would have done if it wasn’t for those pesky Nazis screwing it up for her in the early 1980s.

Oh yes, the Nazis. We forgot to mention them, didn’t we? It’s probably best to let Helen Mirren explain this one herself:

“I loved coke. I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties. But what ended it for me was when they caught Klaus Barbie, the Butcher of Lyon, in the early 80s. He was hiding in South America and living off the proceeds of being a cocaine baron. And I read that in the paper, and all the cards fell into place and I saw how my little sniff of cocaine at a party had an absolute direct route to this fucking horrible man in South America.”

Helen Mirren is absolutely right about this. If you take drugs, you’re helping to fund the Nazi party. We’re sure the Nazis are grateful. In fact we’re pretty sure that they’re going to send Amy Winehouse a crystal decanter as a mark of their appreciation before long.

Anyway, if this is true and Klaus Barbie managed to wean Helen Mirren off cocaine, then he must be kicking himself from beyond the grave at the moment. Had he known about this earlier, he might have been able to get it together to become a motivational speaker. Imagine the publishing opportunities – Klaus Barbie Helps You Kick Drugs, Drop A Dress Size The Nazi Way, SS Stands For Super Selfconfidence….

Don’t laugh – you’d still feel less dirty buying those than you would with anything by Paul McKenna, wouldn’t you?

Actually that might not be true – we don’t like Barenaked Ladies nearly enough to listen to one of their terrible songs – but they do have a song called If I Had $1,000,000 and, since the band’s singer Steven Page was arrested for cocaine possession this week, that scenario would probably make the most sense.

Or maybe it wouldn’t, because Barenaked Ladies have posted a message on their website saying that Steven Page will fight his charges to the ends of the Earth. Or until he’s convicted, sent to jail and used as a violent masturbatory tool by the entire prison population as a twisted revenge for his song about Chickedy China The Chinese Chicken. Whichever one happens first, basically.

When it was first announced that Steven Page from Barenaked Ladies had been arrested for cocaine possession, we were a little perplexed. Usually drug-taking in the world of music is synonymous with acid-fried 20-minute psyche-rock freak-jams, not twee little acoustic ditties about relationships that only girls and weirdos like.

But then it all started to become clearer. If you were in Barenaked Ladies, you’d want to be wrecked off your shit on drugs all the time just to numb the pain of your day job, wouldn’t you?

In this respect, Steven Page is lucky that he was only arrested for cocaine possession – most men in his position would be ramming industrial quantities of rhino tranquiliser up their arses 24/7 just to forget that they were responsible for that dreadful One Week song.

But that’s assuming that Steven Page is guilty of cocaine possession, which we shouldn’t do because Steven Page says he is absolutely innocent of everything. According to a statement left on the Barenaked Ladies website:

“Many of you have probably read or heard press accounts about Steven Page’s recent arrest in New York state. Steven has pleaded not guilty to the charges against him and the validity of the charges against Steven will be strongly contested. While this is happening, it’s business as usual for Barenaked Ladies. We will continue to perform and look forward to heading into the studio later this year to record a new album.”

What? Business as usual? Jesus Christ – what needs to happen to get Barenaked Ladies to split up? Alcoholism? Bestiality? Dead prostitutes turning up in their sheds? Just tell us, for the love of god, and we’ll try our hardest to make it happen.

Anyway, at least now that Steven Page has declared his innocence over his arrest, Barenaked Ladies won’t have to worry about people not buying their new kid’s album Snack Time because they’re morally outraged. If they don’t buy it, it’s because it’s really quite rubbish and a waste of their precious wages. Business as usual, then.

And now we might have been proved correct. Steven Page, the guitarist and singer of twee, humourlessly chirpy Canadian folk-rock one-too-many hit wonders Barenaked Ladies has been arrested on suspicion of cocaine possession.

That’s right, kids, it looks like Barenaked Ladies are on drugs. Steven Page’s arrest has put us in a thoroughly bad mood – we can’t believe our heroes of the awful late-1990s acoustic radio pop scene are involved in drugs. Oh, say it hasn’t spread! Promise us that Sugar Ray are still clean! Look us in the eye and swear that Lyte Funky Ones don’t chase the dragon!

We’d imagine – because we’re assuming that their fans are idiots – that Barenaked Ladies are often quizzed about their 1998 song One Week. Quizzed on things like: “When you sang ‘Chickity China the Chinese chicken/ You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin’/ Watchin’ X-Files with no lights on/ We’re dans la maison’, what inspired that?”

Turns out the answer was probably a bloody great pile of cocaine.

In what could go down in history as one of the least likely drug arrests in history, Steven Page – the one from Barenaked Ladies who looks like Russell T Davies‘ primary school photo, the one from Barenaked Ladies who looks like he’d start crying if you got too close to his collection of magic cards – has been busted on suspicion of cocaine possession. Newsday reports:

The 38-year-old was visiting Christine Benedicto at her Fayetteville apartment and the two got into an argument. Police found Benedicto’s car parked on the sidewalk outside the home and went to investigate. They found Page and another woman at the kitchen table with cocaine. Page, Benedicto and the third woman all face drug charges.

According to the manager of Barenaked Ladies, Steven Page has been charged with his crime and must return to court tomorrow.

We’re worried for Steven Page, we really are – he carried Barenaked Ladies through that one song of theirs that anyone can remember from a decade ago, he really sodding did.

If he goes to jail for this the band could split up under the pressure, even though most people already probably assumed that they’d split up some time ago. What would we do then, apart from continue with our lives in exactly the same way as we did before while quickly forgetting that the band ever even existed? Huh?

Hopefully Steven Page will get help for his apparent drug problem, because it’s a slippery slope. First you think you can control it, then the next thing you know you’re babbling nonsensical, self-indulgent words to nobody in particular and… oh bugger, we’re a decade late with this advice, aren’t we?

By which we mean that Steve-O is smart enough to plead guilty to cocaine possession after he filmed himself smashing up his neighbour’s house on drugs and then blogged extensively about his battle to the same drugs.

As a result of his guilty plea, it’s been announced that Steve-O’s only punishment for his March drug bust will be the rehab stint that he’s already partially through. And now that he’s clean, Steve-O knows that next time he staples his nuts to his leg it’ll be out of genuine mental dysfunction or self-loathing rather than drug addiction. Three cheers!

You know, we’re still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that Steve-O, the Jackass star famous for putting leeches on his eyeball, swimming in sewage and ramming fireworks up his bum, may have issues with drugs. Apparently the signs were there, but you have to admit he kept them well-hidden.

However, any problems that Steve-O may have had with drugs are firmly in the past now. And Steve-O isn’t one of those pussies who run away to rehab at the first sign of trouble – no, Steve-O decided to kick drugs by appearing in public in an increasingly inebriated state, then getting arrested for trashing his neighbour’s apartment while wankered on drugs with shitloads of cocaine on him, then getting admitted into a mental hospital and then going to rehab. That’s the man’s way.

And it’s Steve-O’s dedication to trying to kick his drug habit that’s spared him from serious punishment in court. E! Online reports:

To hear him tell it, Steve-O’s days of jackassery are behind him and he’s ready for a clean—and sober—slate. The thrill-seeking former MTV star entered a guilty plea today in Los Angeles to a cocaine-possession charge, announcing to the court that he “found God” and has been sober for 85 days. Attorney Barry Gerald Sands tells E! News that because of his client’s commitment and time in rehab, judgment was deferred upon successful completion of his treatment program.

What? Steve-O has found God? What was God doing in rehab? That’s not very encouraging.

But it is timely – tying your penis to a firework and deliberately giving your own mouth papercuts probably isn’t as much fun when you’re not spazzed off your munch on drugs, so it’s just as well that Steve-O has found religion. At worst he’ll be a super christian ambassador for troubled youngsters, and at best Jackass 3 is going to have a wicked awesome crucifixion stunt in it.

That’s assuming that Steve-O joins the clergy, of course – the world is full of suitable positions for mentally-ill drug addicts who polevault into human shit for a living. Ah, no, wait – he’s already done Celebrity Love Island, hasn’t he? Clergy it is, then.

Seriously, it must mess you up something rotten. Let’s take any CSI actor completely at random and see what starring in CSI has done to them. Let’s randomly pick, say, Gary Dourdan. It turns out that Gary Dourdan has been arrested for being asleep in his car with heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy and several assorted prescription drugs in his possession.

And we chose Gary Dourdan entirely at random. Good job we didn’t pick David Caruso, really – just look what being in CSI has done to his hair.

Working in a long-running day in/ day out TV drama series can’t be too much fun at the best of times – not only does the constant turnaround of episodes mean that you’re effectively a glorified sweatshop worker, but you become so intertwined with the character in the public eye that should you ever go off the rails and, say, waggle your penis at a co-worker or scream the word ‘Faggot!’ as loud as you can on set, your career is virtually kaput.

So things don’t exactly look great for CSI actor Gary Dourdan, who’s been arrested on suspicion of drug possession. Big time drug possession. Possession of so many drugs that he probably needed to poke a snorkel out of the top of his sunroof so he didn’t suffocate on all the drugs he’s been arrested on suspicion of possessing.

And Gary Dourdan would have got away with it, too, if it weren’t for the fact that he appears to be a bit of a stupid halfwit. E! Online reports:

The Palm Springs PD said the 41-year-old actor was busted at approximately 5:12 a.m. when officers approached his vehicle, which was parked on the wrong side of the street at the time. The officer who spotted the vehicle said … that Dourdan appeared to be asleep behind the wheel. According to the police report, the arresting officer described Dourdan as “disoriented” and appearing to be under the influence of either drugs or alcohol.

So far so George Michael, we know. But what really set Gary Dourdan apart from the crowd was the way that his car was apparently filled with cocaine, Ecstasy, heroin, an assortment of prescription drugs and all sorts of drug paraphenalia when he was arrested. Dourdan was taken to a police station, booked with possession of narcotics and possession of dangerous drugs and released on $5,000 bail.

Now it’d be wrong for us to judge Gary Dourdan for this arrest because he hasn’t actually been found guilty of anything yet. For that to be determined, there needs to be a thorough investigation of the car that Dourdan was found asleep in. A crime scene investigation, you might say.

And if we’d ever managed to sit through more than ten minutes of CSI without realising that it was a bag of shit and turning over to watch anything – anything, sports, Columbo, cartoons, Jeremy Kyle, Natasha Kaplinsky, anything – else instead, then we’d probably have some idea of what that investigation would involve. But we’ve never done that. CSI is rubbish.

In fact, if you take one thing away from Gary Dourdan’s arrest, it should be this: CSI is a great big big bag of stinky poopy rhino balls and it stinks of poop and is bad.

Read more:

CSI Dourdan’s Desert Drug Bust - E! Online

It is claimed photographers Eric Munn and Darren Banks, back in January 2006, tricked Heath into thinking they were guests at the Chateau Marmont Hotel. Once they’d gained his trust, the three men went into the room of an unnamed People magazine reporter, where Eric gave Heath a ‘packet’ of cocaine.

Now you, dear hecklerspray reader, are no doubt like us, your dear hecklerspray team, in as much as you wouldn’t know a packet of cocaine if it was shoved up your arse by some dishevelled local upon a family outing to Botoga.

After getting over the initial shock of discovering the packet in your excrement, you’d probably wipe it clean, bake a cake for your mother and spend the next few hours listening to her dull, overly detailed descriptions of her life from birth up until the present, and simply blame the whole dull debacle on the menopause.

But not so Heath, according to the suit, which notes that The Brothers Grimm star had some cocaine of his own.

Munn then left the room, leaving Ledger and Banks alone to inhale the illegal powder into the body via the nose, while he began to secretly film the scene. So not only is Eric Munn a drug pusher, he’s also one hell of a prick. Allegedly.

The suit says:

“Mr. Ledger became aware that he was being videotaped and became very upset. He realized the two men he had been befriending all evening were paparazzi.”

The photographers, who worked for the Splash news agency, insisted the video would be destroyed. It was later sold to “Entertainment Tonight” for $200,000 (£100,000), but was not aired after several powerful industry fat-cat types pressured the programme into submission.

However, a section of the video was briefly aired on two U.S. television shows just days after his death in January and, according to the lawsuit, has been sold to media outlets around the world, generating more than $1 million in revenue that should be forfeited under a California state law that requires paparazzi to disgorge any profits obtained through illegal activity.

The unnamed People magazine reporter is seeking unspecified damages for fraud, intrusion and privacy violations.

It really is a very unspecific situation right here indeed, and so to make you feel better we’d like to offer you a piece of ultra specific information to balance the specifics out: If Eric Munn offers you drugs – just say no.

Read More – Photogs said to give Heath Ledger Drugs: Suit – NY Daily News

Steve-O has been charged with felony cocaine possession following his weird recent vandalism arrest, but there's more. It's also been reported that Steve-O is currently on 14-day hold in a mental hospital after he allegedly sent suicide emails to all of his friends and started putting cigarettes out on his body.  

It seems that Steve-O's condition might be worse than anyone anticipated, which is probably why he should expect a call from the producers of How I Met Your Mother any day now.

Steve-O and Britney Spears don't seem to superficially have a lot in common other than nice short hair and the way that their movies always end in agony – in Steve-O's case it's agony for Steve-O, in Britney Spears' case the audience gets it – but scratch the surface and what do you see?

Well, not a lot really. Steve-O and Britney Spears really don't have much in common at all, but they've both been detained in nuthouses lately and that sort of justifies the comparison. Britney Spears you probably know about – what with every third hecklerspray post being about her – but Steve-O? News to us.

You'll remember that Steve-O was arrested earlier this month on suspicion of drug possession and vandalism, but that's just the start. As far as the drugs thing goes, Steve-O has just just been charged for felony cocaine possession. But as well as all this supposed drug-taking, Steve-O's mental health has taken a fall as well, and he's currently being held in a psychiatric hospital for a fortnight, as eFluxMedia reports:

An insider told Star Magazine that Steve-O was hospitalized Sunday at the Thalians Mental Health Center, specialized in crisis intervention, where he was put on 72-hour-hold, which has been extended to 14 days. “Steve is stabilized on meds at this point,” the source told Star. “He was also treated for burns on his skin as if he had been putting cigarettes out on his own body. A family member told Star that Steve-O suffers from bipolar disorder. During the weekend Steve-O allegedly sent suicide e-mails to friends. 

Concerns over his mental wellbeing? A possibly felony conviction? Things sure have taken a turn for the worse for poor Steve-O. Remember when he was just a fresh-faced youngster who'd vomit up goldfish and splash around in elephant poo and pole-vault into sewage? What could have possibly gone so wrong since then?

Read more:

Steve-O Under Medical Watch, Charged With Cocaine Possession - eFluxMedia 

And that's not just us saying that – the UN says so too, so it must be true.

According to a UN bigwig, every time Amy Winehouse glamorises drug-taking, it helps to fuel the African cocaine trade and recklessly creates corrupt 'narco-states'. And worse still, Amy Winehouse is becoming a cultural icon in Africa, and those poor people have got problems enough as it is without feeling the need to stagger round their villages in just their bra shouting "My Blakey!" all the time as well.

You have to feel for Amy Winehouse at the moment – Karma seems to be auditing her quite strictly at the moment. Whenever something good happens to Amy Winehouse – like when she won all those Grammys – Karma swiftly redressed the balance so that, in her next public performance at the Brits, Amy could hardly stand up and generally looked like she was spazzed off her munch on a bucket of giraffe tranquilliser. 

And now, right after Amy Winehouse was cleared of perverting the course of justice, Karma jumped in again to whip the good news away and make sure she gets scolded for ravaging the entire continent of Africa all by her lonesome. The boss of the UN's Office on Drugs and Crime, Antonio Maria Costa, has blamed Amy Winehouse for the African cocaine trade, you see. All of it. The Daily Mail reports:

Singling out the singer Amy Winehouse, whom he called the "poster girl for drug abuse", and supermodel Kate Moss, whose career flourished after she was publicly exposed as a cocaine user, Mr Costa said: "One song, one picture, one quote that makes cocaine look cool can undo millions of pounds worth of anti-drug education and prevention. "Coke-snorting fashionistas are not only damaging their brains – they are contributing to state failure on the other side of the world. Amy Winehouse might adopt a defiant pose and slur her way through (the song) Rehab but does she realise the message she sends to others who are vulnerable to addiction and who cannot afford expensive treatment?"

You have to feel a little bit sorry for Amy Winehouse here, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it's unfair to single out Amy Winehouse alone for an entire industry with various distinct production stages because – although a furiously annoying goon – she's just one girl with a few problems who's been singled out by the UN because its realised that an anti-drug message will be heard more if it finds a high-profile celebrity with some amount of notoriety to use as a scapegoat.

Secondly, Amy Winehouse isn't even fuelling the African cocaine industry anyway. She's fuelling the African crack industry. Durr-brains.

Read more:

UN drugs boss slams 'coke-snorting fashionistas' like Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty – Daily Mail 

She has also allegedly been seen smoking up to 20 cigarettes at a time. But, guys, hold on a minute before you judge! It’s alright! Kerry’s not stupid. No way! Dr. Katona tells friends:

"It's OK – you can wean the baby off the coke afterwards. It's only booze that can cause serious damage."

Yeah! Fuck off science! Kerry knows best. Just point your saggy bucket vagina in the direction of The Priory and fire.

What a great start to life. That Mother Of The Year award will surely be yours once again, Katona. Hey, what the hell, why not start it on the crack, too? We're sure it’s pretty simple to wean them off that. It is only booze that can cause serious damage after all. It might be a little harder to wean the baby off chips though.

Listen, guys, don’t laugh, but one of Kerry’s mates isn’t so clever. According to the NOTW:

The friend said: "How terrible, to give birth to a beautiful baby which then has to be weaned off the drugs that have been pumped into its tiny body. I don't know how Kerry can do that to her child. It is disgusting."

Disgusting? What a moron! Doesn’t Kerry’s friend realise that you can wean the baby off the coke afterwards?! Hecklerspray is pissing itself. It’s only booze that can cause serious damage you idiot! Some people really have no idea, do they?

"They wanted to keep (the pregnancy) quiet so Kerry could get wrecked. She drank champagne and vodka and downed shots of Aftershock."

Wait. Hold on a second. Didn’t Kerry Katona just say that booze can do serious damage to your baby? And now they say she was actually seen drinking whilst pregnant? No way! Not our Kerry! She must have thought it was Kaliber. Or that non-alcoholic vodka you can get.

Seriously, will someone please get this woman a fucking vasectomy already. It should be illegal for people this stupid to reproduce. 

Read more:

Kerry Faces New Drug Claims – The Sun 

[story by Callum de Caestecker]

So it's no surprise that Jordan got smashed on drugs not so long ago and wound up contemplating suicide.

But here's the thing – although she's admitted drug use, Jordan won't say what drug she took. But she has ruled out cocaine, which means that Jordan wanted to kill herself after a binge on either heroin, prescription pills, non-prescription pills or Fisherman's Friends. And when was the last time you saw Jordan with a cold, huh?

You might look at Jordan and think she has a charmed life, getting paid bags of money to do not very much except constantly put down her ladyman husband in public in her flat bored call-centre worker's voice and then getting it all filmed by a constantly-present reality TV film crew, but you're wrong. Being Jordan is a sack of unending misery.

So it's no surprise that Jordan tried to kill herself in a drug frenzy not so long ago. Well, she didn't try to kill herself as such, more that she kind of momentarily entertained the abstract possibility of thinking about what it'd be like to kill herself. But, hey, Jordan's got a new book out, so it's either talk about that or talk about the next most exciting thing in her life. And that's her tits, but she's done that already so drug frenzy suicide it is.

You see, in her new book Jordan: No, Honestly, My Life Really Is Exceptional Enough To Warrant 138 Different Autobiographies, Jordan reveals that she took a load of drugs to combat post-natal depression, then had a fight with Peter Andre, then thought about suicide.

But, crucially, Jordan didn't name the drug. This could either be because she's too ashamed about it or because a hokey game of 'guess what drug almost killed Jordan' would increase sales of her book by five or six. So naturally everyone thought it was cocaine. However, Jordan has revealed that, no, it wasn't cocaine. The Sun reports:

The mum of three, 29, took the substance behind hubby Peter Andre's back. But Jordan – real name Katie Price – refuses to say what she used. Last night her spokeswoman denied it was cocaine. She said: “Katie did not take an illegal substance. It was a prescription drug. She did turn to drugs in the lowest ebb of her life. She knows it was a stupid thing to do. Katie did not have to talk about this but has decided to do so as a warning. She wants to stop other people turning to drugs as a way of dealing with their problems.”

It's important that Jordan does this, because she's a role model to millions of youngsters. Having said that, if you do see Jordan as a role model you deserve to be packed into a bus and driven into a flooded quarry, so perhaps developing a debilitating drug addiction isn't that bad of a runner-up prize.

It's heartbreaking to think of Jordan's prescription drug binge. Not because it happened in the first place, or because she didn't quite take enough of this drug to make her actually try to kill herself, but because of the money-making opportunities it presents to her. After all, this revelation is bound to sell more books, and it's an inevitability that Jordan will release a cover version of Sipping On Some Sizzurp before the year is out to cash in. Still, it couldn't be as bad as A Whole New World. 

But anyway, let's just be glad that Jordan didn't die; because, if she did, the mantle of Chief Autobiography Writer would be passed down to her husband. And the world can probably live without reading a book called I Dun A Guff In A Lift And It Stunk And A Woman Woz Angri By Peeta Andrey.

Read more:

Drug hell not coke says Jord – The Sun 

After all, this is Ike Turner – inventor of rock and roll and wife-beater extraordinaire – we're talking about. Surely Ike Turner's death had to be as spectacular as his life. 

Well it was, provided that 'Massive Cocaine Overdose' is spectacular enough for you. And, unless you were hoping that Ike Turner's death was caused by a giant robot from outer space exploding him with its death rays, hopefully this will do.

When Ike Turner died last month, it was generally thought that his passing would mark a new period of reflection for the man primarily known for being that nasty punchy bloke from What's Love Got To Do With It. After all, in his lifetime Ike Turner had shaped popular music as much as anyone you'd care to think of.

That's not exactly what happened – most obituaries were along the lines of "Nutbush City Limits was alright by, Jesus, Ike Turner was a bastard," while Ike Turner's ex-wife Tina Turner didn't give any form of public statement about Ike's death whatsoever and the only man to vocally sing Ike Turner's praises was Phil Spector, a man not exactly known for his progressive attitudes towards women.

But still, at least Ike Turner died doing the thing he loved best. No, not angrily punching a woman in the face and screaming "eat the cake!" over and over again, we mean Ike Turner died ingesting a large quantity of cocaine. CNN reports on the coroner's enquiry into Ike Turner's death:

"The cause of death for Ike Turner is cocaine toxicity with other significant conditions," Supervising Medical Examiner Investigator Paul Parker told CNN. Contributing conditions included high blood pressure and emphysema, he said. "The manner of death is an accident," he added.

So that's Ike Turner's death dealt with in full, revealing yet another bulletpoint for the footnote of his obituary. Ike Turner – inventor of rock and roll, wife-beater extraordinaire and one of the few men around dumb enough to take loads of cocaine even though he suffered from emphysema.

We're just kidding, ghost of Ike Turner. Please don't come and haunt us, you were terrifying enough alive. And don't try to make us eat any more of that ghost cake, either. That stuff is fattening.

Read more:

Medical examiner says Ike Turner died of cocaine overdose – CNN  

But it seems to be the case anyway. Two years after Kate Moss was hounded out of most of her modelling contracts following a picture of her possibly taking some drugs, it's been claimed by a DJ that she's at it again. Elliot Eastwick was the DJ at a recent party to celebrate Davinia Taylor's 30th birthday, and he claims that throughout the party Kate Moss kept screaming things like "I want some gear!" "Get me some gear!" and "Who's got the drugs?" – statements that seem innocuous enough to the average listener, but are all thought to be carefully-coded underworld slang-phrases that can only be understood by other drug-addicts which may or may not detail Kate Moss' desire to take some drugs. 

Kate Moss is getting it from all sides at the moment. While the rest of her life should spent in a state of constant bliss because she doesn't have to wake up and see Pete Doherty's puffy, scab-covered old lady's face every morning, it seems like people are lining up to take the shine off Kate Moss' day.

First Kate Moss' eyelashes got reprimanded for being unnaturally telescopic, then all of St John's Wood ganged up to tell the world what a crummy neighbour Kate Moss is – and now a DJ has decided to tell the press about a bunch of drug-taking antics he claims to have seen Kate Moss get up to recently.

Apparently Elliot Eastwick, who was the DJ at bog-roll heiress Davinia Taylor's recent 30th birthday, saw Kate Moss get up to so much shocking drug-based behaviour that he had no choice but to tell whichever newspaper would buy his story for the most money. Highlights of Eastwick's interview include:

"She was a total nightmare. It was obvious she was on drugs. I've seen enough drugged-up people to know."

"Kate pulled some poppers out of her handbag and started snorting them in really heavily. It went straight to her head. You could see her loll as it took effect."

"She grabbed my lower arm, pulled me towards her and yelled, 'Who's got the drugs?' I told her I didn't know and I didn't have any, but she said, 'I want some gear. Get me some gear. You're a DJ, you must have some'. She was tapping on a record sleeve in the motion of someone racking up lines of coke. It was obvious what she was after."

If any of this is true – and at the moment the only evidence around is the word of a DJ we've never heard of – then Kate Moss should really know better. It was just two years ago that her career was almost ended by a grainy photograph of her seeming to snort up drugs, and for new allegations to come out so soon after she's managed to haul her career upright again smacks of either irresponsibility, deep stupidity or both. Because of one alleged moment of madness, Kate Moss risks losing everything – and for good this time.

On the plus side, if this happened it'd mean we wouldn't have to hear Kate Moss mimble "Get the London look" like some sort of pikey fieldmouse every 15 minutes in her useless Rimmel adverts. In fact, we'd probably crawl through her window and plant drugs in all her clothes if we knew it'd mean she'd stop making those bloody things.