There is no-one more hateful on planet Earth than Bruno Mars. Absolutely everything about him is odious to the point of a year-long continuous vomit. And yet, there’s people out there who are determined to keep him in the public eye.
His songs are played, his stupid goofy expression keeps appearing on our televisions and no-one seems to care that he sang ‘meet a really nice girl and have some really nice sex, and she’s gonna scream out ‘THIS IS GREAT!’‘ while others willingly join in with “I’ll be lounging on my couch just chillin’ in my snuggie“
You monsters. And now, the law has decided that cocaine possession charges against Mars should be dismissed when really, he should’ve been sent to the electric chair for his awful, tepid, vapid, intestinal dissolving music.
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Remember when Michael Barrymore was such a big deal that America wanted to steal him and put him on US television? His mixture of long limbs and open-contempt for gameshow contestants really was a winning formula in light entertainment!
And who could forget his touching tribute to the fallen Notorious B.I.G. which saw Barrymore rapping ‘I’ll Be Missing You’ on My Kind Of Music?
Alas, an incident in his scrotum shaped swimming pool with Stuart Lubbock saw that his career nosedived quicker than a Japanese WWII pilot, leaving him to appear ghost-like in Celebrity Big Brother. So what’s he been doing since? Well, if you must know, the answer appears to be ‘loads of coke’.
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Our good friend Michael Barrymore has been hitting the yayo pretty bad. Think it’s time we staged an intervention. After all, he is our good, close personal friend Michael Barrymore, whom we care for. And as the good good friend of our friend Michael Barrymore, we need to be on hand to cater for all of Michael’s post 2005 whims.
Such as wiping his constantly replenishing cocaine moustache, or respectfully reporting the news yesterday that Mike has been arrested for his lovably endearing and altogether totally fine hobby.
At around 4am yesterday morning, the former TV presenter, and ex-guy-people-used-to-like was arrested near his flat in London with ‘unidentified male friend’ (nudge, nudge) for the most extreme of winter sports (that’s a cocaine joke, cocaine fans). The news of which, came as a shock to us all.
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For those who know their onions about music, they’ll no doubt be a fan of Sly Stone’s work with Sly And The Family Stone.
Basically, Sly and his cohorts invented funk, melded rock and soul and completely tore the infamous Woodstock festival apart, knocking Jimi Hendrix and The Who into a cocked hat.
However, while most of the ’60s superstars died or gently glided into decades of beigeness, Sly Stone has gone about becoming a dreadful wreck. After getting found with crack cocaine embedded in his clothes, he’s now taken to living in a car park in his van.
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Religion is a fascinating thing isn’t it? Whilst Christians, Muslims, Sikhs and the mentalist Scientologists all bicker over who is right, they are united by one thing – practising terrible and archaic teachings.
Practically everything else in the world has developed and modernised, such as transport and communication. We reckon that if Jesus was alive today, he’d have been crucified on a wind turbine.
Whilst the Christian church hasn’t asked us yet, we reckon we could pen a mean 2011 remix edition of the Bible, giving the holy book a connection with today’s modern day mortal. As technical God, editor Mof could rattle off a load of ukulele based hymns whilst the rest of us try to work out how we’d cut the umbilical cord of a baby with a plastic fork. Once the finer details are ironed, feel free to Paypal us your £150 membership fee. Until then, traditional religion will have to do, claiming another celebrity victim, Daniella Westbrook. Sorry, member.
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For all the misery that Charlie Sheen has put us through since his wheeze of Being A Nutter got tired, we’ve all been waiting for some comeback. We kinda hoped he’d OD on bad drugs surrounded by prostitutes rifling his pockets, but alas, it wasn’t to be.
In fact, since Chuck Sheeno knocked the drugs on the head, the best he’s offered is a stupid custody case which is less interesting as watching nana trying to work a television remote.
However, we might get to see his uncomfortable face grinning while he masks the stabbing pain of being torn eight new arseholes as it transpires he’ll be subject to one of those fine American institutions – The Comedy Roast.
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There was a time, not so long ago, when Justin Bieber didn’t exist. It’s hard to believe we know, but it’s true. “But who did you have to provide annoying bubblegum pop that sent tweenage girls hearts a flutter?” We hear you ask.
The answer is simple, Aaron Carter. He was the brother of a Backstreet Boy, wore a backwards baseball cap and he had Bieber’s trademark mix of a baby face, blond hair and an unthreatening charm that saw him climb the charts with such sweet puppy love anthems as, “I Want Candy,” and, “Crazy Little Party Girl.”
Naturally all of this made him a target for Michael Jackson. Read More >>>
Sly Stone, who has made some of the greatest records ever ever ever ever, is not exactly a well-behaved man. When he sang “I want to take you higher!”, he was actually more concerned with getting himself so high that his afro would be scorched by the sun.
Over the years, he’s consumed an amazing amount of drugs. At one point, he was running around his mansion, bug-eyed with a gun, leaving the front door open to anyone who wanted to come in, while having sex with women on the promise they could sing on his LPs. Only to erase their voices and end up with ‘There’s A Riot Goin’ On’ which sounds like it has been mastered on a well-worn C90.
And now, he’s in trouble with drugs again after the long arm of the law decided to haul his funky-ass in to answer some distinctly unfunky questions.
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