Articles tagged with: cocaine
Tabloid Watch: Kerry Katona
This week the scum-rags have told us about children’s star Sportacus visiting a young fan who has lost his limbs and doing press-ups and a one-handed handstand in front of him (the definition of rubbing it in surely?) and publishing the name and photos of Baby P’s mum, and then getting cross that she’ll need a new identity. But we're guessing you don’t want to unwind in your lunch-hour with quite such dark matter. Well then let’s talk about Kerry Katona, a woman addicted to, and almost biologically allergic to, being famous.
This week the scum-rags have told us about children’s star Sportacus visiting a young fan who has lost his limbs and doing press-ups and a one-handed handstand in front of him (the definition of rubbing it in surely?) and publishing the name and photos of Baby P’s mum, and then getting cross that she’ll need a new identity. But we're guessing you don’t want to unwind in your lunch-hour with quite such dark matter. Well then let’s talk about Kerry Katona, a woman addicted to, and almost biologically allergic to, being famous.
Maureen McCormick: Here’s The Story Of A Spazzed-Out Druggie
Looking back, the world fell in love with Marcia Brady because of her adorable hollow eyes and her wholesome trembling hyperactive paranoia. That's the reason why everyone's favourite episodes of The Brady Bunch is the one where Marcia Brady plumbs the squalid depths of addiction thanks to her years growing up in an abusive family, trading sex for drugs and being forced to deal with unwanted pregnancies. And that episode where Marcia Brady gets hammered on Quaaludes in Sammy Davis Jr's house? Oh Marcia Marcia Marcia. Wait, they're not episodes of The Brady Bunch at all - they're excerpts from Maureen McCormick's new book, Here's The Story: Surviving Marcia Brady And Finding My True Voice. You might think that Maureen McCormick has reached a new pitiful low by detailing her battles with depression and drug addiction in a book for cash, but you're wrong - she's nowhere near the pitiful low benchmark set by her participation in A Very Brady Christmas.
Looking back, the world fell in love with Marcia Brady because of her adorable hollow eyes and her wholesome trembling hyperactive paranoia. That's the reason why everyone's favourite episodes of The Brady Bunch is the one where Marcia Brady plumbs the squalid depths of addiction thanks to her years growing up in an abusive family, trading sex for drugs and being forced to deal with unwanted pregnancies. And that episode where Marcia Brady gets hammered on Quaaludes in Sammy Davis Jr's house? Oh Marcia Marcia Marcia. Wait, they're not episodes of The Brady Bunch at all - they're excerpts from Maureen McCormick's new book, Here's The Story: Surviving Marcia Brady And Finding My True Voice. You might think that Maureen McCormick has reached a new pitiful low by detailing her battles with depression and drug addiction in a book for cash, but you're wrong - she's nowhere near the pitiful low benchmark set by her participation in A Very Brady Christmas.
Quit Cocaine The Helen Mirren Way – With A Dead Nazi
Helen Mirren is perhaps the only 63-year-old Oscar-winning Dame Commander Of The British Empire who still looks halfway decent in a bikini. But even someone as distinguished as Helen Mirren still has her problems - like all that cocaine she used to take, for example. That's all in the past, though, because Helen Mirren has revealed exactly how she managed to quit her drug habit - it's all thanks to notorious dead Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie. There's a reality show in this somewhere, we know it.
Helen Mirren is perhaps the only 63-year-old Oscar-winning Dame Commander Of The British Empire who still looks halfway decent in a bikini. But even someone as distinguished as Helen Mirren still has her problems - like all that cocaine she used to take, for example. That's all in the past, though, because Helen Mirren has revealed exactly how she managed to quit her drug habit - it's all thanks to notorious dead Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie. There's a reality show in this somewhere, we know it.
Barenaked Ladies Drug Bloke To Fight His Charges Like A Beast
There's a Barenaked Ladies song that goes "If I had $1,000,000/ I'd blow it all on coke/ and maybe a couple of hookers." Actually that might not be true - we don't like Barenaked Ladies nearly enough to listen to one of their terrible songs - but they do have a song called If I Had $1,000,000 and, since the band's singer Steven Page was arrested for cocaine possession this week, that scenario would probably make the most sense. Or maybe it wouldn't, because Barenaked Ladies have posted a message on their website saying that Steven Page will fight his charges to the ends of the Earth. Or until he's convicted, sent to jail and used as a violent masturbatory tool by the entire prison population as a twisted revenge for his song about Chickedy China The Chinese Chicken. Whichever one happens first, basically.
There's a Barenaked Ladies song that goes "If I had $1,000,000/ I'd blow it all on coke/ and maybe a couple of hookers." Actually that might not be true - we don't like Barenaked Ladies nearly enough to listen to one of their terrible songs - but they do have a song called If I Had $1,000,000 and, since the band's singer Steven Page was arrested for cocaine possession this week, that scenario would probably make the most sense. Or maybe it wouldn't, because Barenaked Ladies have posted a message on their website saying that Steven Page will fight his charges to the ends of the Earth. Or until he's convicted, sent to jail and used as a violent masturbatory tool by the entire prison population as a twisted revenge for his song about Chickedy China The Chinese Chicken. Whichever one happens first, basically.
Barenaked Ladies Singer Arrested For Something Other Than His Terrible Music
We always thought that Barenaked Ladies' 1998 hit One Week could only come from a diseased, drug-ravaged mind. And now we might have been proved correct. Steven Page, the guitarist and singer of twee, humourlessly chirpy Canadian folk-rock one-too-many hit wonders Barenaked Ladies has been arrested on suspicion of cocaine possession. That's right, kids, it looks like Barenaked Ladies are on drugs. Steven Page's arrest has put us in a thoroughly bad mood - we can't believe our heroes of the awful late-1990s acoustic radio pop scene are involved in drugs. Oh, say it hasn't spread! Promise us that Sugar Ray are still clean! Look us in the eye and swear that Lyte Funky Ones don't chase the dragon!
We always thought that Barenaked Ladies' 1998 hit One Week could only come from a diseased, drug-ravaged mind. And now we might have been proved correct. Steven Page, the guitarist and singer of twee, humourlessly chirpy Canadian folk-rock one-too-many hit wonders Barenaked Ladies has been arrested on suspicion of cocaine possession. That's right, kids, it looks like Barenaked Ladies are on drugs. Steven Page's arrest has put us in a thoroughly bad mood - we can't believe our heroes of the awful late-1990s acoustic radio pop scene are involved in drugs. Oh, say it hasn't spread! Promise us that Sugar Ray are still clean! Look us in the eye and swear that Lyte Funky Ones don't chase the dragon!
Steve-O: ‘Cocaine? Guilty? Me? Why, Yes’
Steve-O might be stupid enough to staple his balls to his thigh night after night for fun and profit, but it turns out he's not that stupid. By which we mean that Steve-O is smart enough to plead guilty to cocaine possession after he filmed himself smashing up his neighbour's house on drugs and then blogged extensively about his battle to the same drugs. As a result of his guilty plea, it's been announced that Steve-O's only punishment for his March drug bust will be the rehab stint that he's already partially through. And now that he's clean, Steve-O knows that next time he staples his nuts to his leg it'll be out of genuine mental dysfunction or self-loathing rather than drug addiction. Three cheers!
Steve-O might be stupid enough to staple his balls to his thigh night after night for fun and profit, but it turns out he's not that stupid. By which we mean that Steve-O is smart enough to plead guilty to cocaine possession after he filmed himself smashing up his neighbour's house on drugs and then blogged extensively about his battle to the same drugs. As a result of his guilty plea, it's been announced that Steve-O's only punishment for his March drug bust will be the rehab stint that he's already partially through. And now that he's clean, Steve-O knows that next time he staples his nuts to his leg it'll be out of genuine mental dysfunction or self-loathing rather than drug addiction. Three cheers!
Some CSI Bloke In More Exciting Than CSI Drug Bust
Just watching more than one episode of CSI per lifetime is enough to turn anyone into a snarling drug-addicted mess, so imagine actually starring in it. Seriously, it must mess you up something rotten. Let's take any CSI actor completely at random and see what starring in CSI has done to them. Let's randomly pick, say, Gary Dourdan. It turns out that Gary Dourdan has been arrested for being asleep in his car with heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy and several assorted prescription drugs in his possession. And we chose Gary Dourdan entirely at random. Good job we didn't pick David Caruso, really - just look what being in CSI has done to his hair.
Just watching more than one episode of CSI per lifetime is enough to turn anyone into a snarling drug-addicted mess, so imagine actually starring in it. Seriously, it must mess you up something rotten. Let's take any CSI actor completely at random and see what starring in CSI has done to them. Let's randomly pick, say, Gary Dourdan. It turns out that Gary Dourdan has been arrested for being asleep in his car with heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy and several assorted prescription drugs in his possession. And we chose Gary Dourdan entirely at random. Good job we didn't pick David Caruso, really - just look what being in CSI has done to his hair.
Heath Ledger Was Framed?
A lawsuit filed in Los Angeles yesterday by an unidentified freelance reporter from People magazine claims Heath Ledger was plied with cocaine and secretly filmed by a pair of undercover paparazzi. It is claimed photographers Eric Munn and Darren Banks, back in January 2006, tricked Heath into thinking they were guests at the Chateau Marmont Hotel. Once they’d gained his trust, the three men went into the room of an unnamed People magazine reporter, where Eric gave Heath a ‘packet’ of cocaine. Now you, dear hecklerspray reader, are no doubt like us, your dear hecklerspray team, in as much as you wouldn’t know a packet of cocaine if it was shoved up your arse by some dishevelled local upon a family outing to Botoga.
A lawsuit filed in Los Angeles yesterday by an unidentified freelance reporter from People magazine claims Heath Ledger was plied with cocaine and secretly filmed by a pair of undercover paparazzi. It is claimed photographers Eric Munn and Darren Banks, back in January 2006, tricked Heath into thinking they were guests at the Chateau Marmont Hotel. Once they’d gained his trust, the three men went into the room of an unnamed People magazine reporter, where Eric gave Heath a ‘packet’ of cocaine. Now you, dear hecklerspray reader, are no doubt like us, your dear hecklerspray team, in as much as you wouldn’t know a packet of cocaine if it was shoved up your arse by some dishevelled local upon a family outing to Botoga.
