Hooray! It’s that time of year again where bands of all genres play to thousands of music lovers around the world.

And, thanks to its eclectic line-up and decent weather, Coachella is becoming one of the biggest. Hosted in a Californian desert, people flock from all over America to attend.

One of this year’s performers was Morrissey – a man so removed of happiness that a trip to a furniture shop, a stint watching paint dry and a visit to a cemetery bring more joy than an hour of his company. The much-publicised vegetarian got slightly pissy during his Friday slot as his nostrils sniffed the odour of burgers and other meaty delights. Of course he didn’t keep his opinions to himself.

Morrisey may not know this, but for billions of years the species known as man has hunted and killed animals. He chomped on a tasty bit of animal and used its skin to keep warm for himself and his ladyfriend. It’s only really been in recent years, after we gained some brains and stopped throwing spears at each other, that the idea of vegetarianism/veganism has spawned.

Vegetarians believe it’s extremely evil to eat an animal to cure hunger and that person will end up in hell where a demon cow will punch him in the face every hour as a way of making up for his sins. For the more radical thinkers, there is something called veganism. Not eating an animal isn’t good enough, so these people don’t wear anything made from animals or use certain products if animal extracts are contained in them, like a hen’s eyeball in a car tyre or something.

Whilst we don’t know the extent of Morrissey’s animal beliefs, we do know that he gets pretty worked up about the issue. On several occasions in the past, he’s mouthed off and told us all we’re pretty bad for eating a helpless cow or a cute little pig. God help him if he stumbled over to certain countries in Asia.

During his performance at Coachella, Morrissey’s passion for spreading the joy of non-meat based products came out in force. Whilst we badly wanted him to be dressed as a giant stick of celery, handing out leaflets and confusing drugged up hippies, he didn’t. NME reports that midway through the set, Morrissey said:

“I can smell burning flesh and I hope to God it’s human,” as the smell of barbecued meat from nearby food stands wafted through the air. A few minutes later, the famous vegetarian walked off the stage in the middle of ‘Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others’. He returned shortly afterward, saying, “The smell of burning animals is making me sick. I just couldn’t bear it.”

We can only assume that when he sulked off stage, he poured a bowl of fruit punch over his head whilst chanting out loud. “MEAT IS EVIL! MEAT IS EVIL! MEAT IS EVIL! I AM MORRISSEY AND I WON’T LET THIS BEAT ME!” After finishing off a watermelon in three impressive bites, he returned to the stage to further depress the audience.

It’s quite strange really when we actually sit down and think about the whole ‘Ooh eating meat is wrong’ issue. Yes, cuddly furry lambs are allowed to age for a few years before being butchered in to yummy Sunday roast. However, have you spared a thought for the poor roast potatoes, carrots, peas and pieces of broccoli that accompany them? They also had to grow from something and are subsequently a living organism. Therefore, you’re eating a living and growing thing, just like a animal. In the words of a sheep “its baaaaaaaaaaaaad man”.

Therefore, all of you bloody whiney vegetarians and vegans have no argument to stand on. If you won’t eat meat, don’t eat vegetables/fruit either. You’ll have to survive on toilet duck or make a magic device that recycles leftover food. Sermon over. Next time, there will be more poo and wee jokes. We promise.

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But Roger Waters‘ Coachella set was livened up by one tiny thing – the moment when his giant inflatable pig broke free and blew off. Blew off into the desert. Get your minds out of the gutter. Cuh!

And the escape of Roger Waters’ big pig has been the talk of the town ever since, with extensive discussions in the press and monetary rewards being offered to whoever recovered it first. Anything, in fact, to take people’s minds off the fact that they’d just basically exchanged $270 for a week of agonising lower back pain and an eighth of a day spent listening to an old posho bleat on about Southampton.

This is just a theory, but we’re starting to think that Coachella organisers don’t want people to go to their little festival. Every year they try to scare everyone away, either by hiring an old lady to dance around in a leotard or persuading a bunch of angry boys to scream abuse at everyone, and this year they must have thought they’d stumbled across the holy grail of audience repellents – Roger Waters from Pink Floyd.

Because, honestly, if we wanted to listen to an old man go over his past achievements word for word in brain-numbing detail for the millionth time surrounded by drooling medicated fartheads, we’d go and visit our Grandpa in the nursing home. And we don’t like doing that because it reminds us that we’ll die one day.

However, Roger Waters was performing Dark Side Of The Moon in full at Coachella, so he drew a huge crowd of people eager to discover what an album they’ve already played to death sounds like when they have to jam themselves in between a bunch of hippies who’ve curled elastic bands into their beards and listen to them bleat on about how deep it is for Roger Waters to turn some green lights on during a song called Money because money is, like, green. And being pretty sure they’re suffering from the early stages of heatstroke. Man.

Anyway, long story short, Roger Waters did the old inflatable pig trick during his set, but it accidentally blew away and some people got sad until they found it in the desert later. And apparently that’s news now. The Telegraph reports:

A huge inflatable pig bearing the word “Obama” which went missing in the California desert after it was released into the sky during a music festival has been found. The pig, which disappeared following a show by Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters at the Coachella music festival on Sunday. was found by two families on their driveways in La Quinta, California. They will split the $10,000 (£5,090) reward offered by the festival, according to the BBC.

Apparently, as well as telling the residents of California to vote for Barack Obama almost three months after they had the ability to do so, the giant pig also “displayed the words ‘Don’t be led to the slaughter’ and a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding two bloody cleavers. The other side read ‘Fear builds walls.” See? You can take the hippy out of the sixties, but you can’t stop him being an insufferable overbearing dick.

Read more:

Pink Floyd’s flying ‘Obama’ pig found – Telegraph

Roger Waters from Pink Floyd has just been announced as the headliner of this year's Coachella festival, and he's going to play Dark Side Of The Moon all the way through.

So, you know, guess which category that's going to fall into.

The Coachella festival prides itself on its array of showstopping, bank-breaking headliners, whether it's convincing Madonna to play her first-ever festival or somehow getting Rage Against The Machine to reform. But this year? This year Coachella has something incredibly special up its sleeve.

Well, something special if you're a wizened old hippy who enjoys muttering things like "you kids these days, you don't know what real music is" or a teenager who thinks that calling a song Time and putting the sound of some clocks in it is, like, a really profound statement – that's right, former Pink Floyd member Roger Waters is going to perform Dark Side Of The Moon in its entirety! On the kazoo!

OK, maybe not on the kazoo, but Roger Waters is still going to do the whole Dark Side Of The Moon thing at Coachella in April. It'll be the first thing of note that Roger Waters has done since Pink Floyd reformed for Live 8 and instantly helped to stop global warming, or save the whales or end poverty or get Bob Geldof on the telly a bit more or whatever the hell Live 8 was supposed to be about.

But now everyone wants to know how Roger Waters will go about covering Dark Side Of The Moon without the aid of the other Pink Floyd members. Will it be a traditional replaying of the album, or will it be like when Roger Waters played Glastonbury in 2002 and basically just stood around making his guitar fart through a billion speakers all over the site at once?

But, hey, if watching a 64-year-old man play a bunch of wanky, overlong, 35-year-old songs in a field doesn't fill you with joy – if you want a bit of zip and pizazz in tour music – the Coachella has still got plenty for you. As well as Roger Waters, Coachella will also play host to The Verve, Portishead, Jack Johnson and My Morning Jacket. 

So even if you're not a fan of tedious 35-year-old prog, you can always go and see tedious 10-year-old prog, tedious 14-year-old vaguely electronic prog, one tedious man with an acoustic guitar mumbling about sunsets or a tedious echoey hippy singing Neil Young cover versions.

See? Something for everyone.   

Read more:

Roger Waters to play southern California festival - Reuters