There’s only one way to start an article about Piers Morgan and that’s with an unabashed string of obscenities and threats aimed squarely at the former Mirror editor and dough-faced clown. Unfortunately though, we have to be (minutely) more professional than that and would therefore urge you to launch your own insults at this image of his pompous face.

Still, what brings us to bother writing about alleged phone-hacker and self-confessed crymaxer, Morgan?

Well, it turns out that he’s had enough of being a sideshow to Howie Mandel (whoever the hell that is) and is taking time out to focus on becoming America’s most hated Pariah.

He’s not quitting the media though. Oh no. He makes far too much cash to do that.

Luckily for us, Morgan has decided that the American public gives two hoots about his opinion on US politics and is going to focus on presenting upcoming news events like the 2012 presidential election in which Herman Cain will undoubtedly win because, as their enjoyment of Piers Morgan shows, America loves an absolute dickhead.

Speaking on his CNN programme, which we still can’t believe he has, Morgan said:

“I can exclusively reveal that I’m leaving ‘America’s Got Talent. I’ve loved every single second, but discovered that juggling, to my surprise really is a bit more difficult than I thought.”

Morgan took a moment to thank charity-botherer and Crown Prince of the Calculated PR Move Simon Cowell for the opportunity, stating that he would be nowhere if he hadn’t taken pity on him.

Okay, he didn’t actually say that but we imagine that’s what Simon Cowell heard.

Rumour has it that Morgan has thrown his hat into the ring to present The Oscars after incumbent host Eddie Murphy bowed out of the show on Wednesday, declaring that he wasn’t interested unless he could host, present and win all the awards while dressed as different characters.

Piers Morgan presenting The Oscars. Imagine it for a second. Now clean up your vomit.

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UK newsreaders are supposed to be impartial, which is why our news is so very boring compared to the mental rantings they have in the States. They lean so heavily on their views, claiming freedom of speech all the way, that you’re almost guaranteed one nervous breakdown per show.

The latest is from CNN anchor, Rick Sanchez, who is now looking for another job after being thrown out of the office for quite possibly being a bit anti-Semitic.

Sanchez was fired last week over remarks made on a Sirius radio show programme, where he branded Stewart a ‘bigot’ and claimed that the media was run by ‘people like him’… which is a see-through reference to Stewart’s Jewishry. Unless, of course, he meant ‘smart-arses’.

Anyway, Sanchez was told to clear his desk… what he had on his desk is none of our business, but if you’d like to make Nazi jokes, then feel free. You’d be wrong though. Sanchez isn’t Aryan, he’s just wheezingly dim.

And so, it was only a matter of time before Stewart got a dig in back at the hugely stupid CNN anchor.

Opening a show to raise funds for autism, Stewart suggested that donors feeling guilty about something should donate money for the benefit’s good cause.

He said:

“If you dented a car, $50. If you cheated on something to get ahead, $500. And if you went on radio and said Jews run the media, in that case you better hold onto your money.”

Then, implying that Jews actually do run the whole of the media world, Stewart added:

“All he has to do is apologise to us and we’ll hire him back.”

Veteran newsdude Tom Brokaw and pants-down chat show king, David Letterman joined in taking the piss out of Sanchez. Letterman said that he was in Manhattan over the weekend helping Sanchez ‘clean out his office’ and NBC anchor Brokaw joked:

“In junior high I didn’t want to sit next to Rick Sanchez either.”

If you missed the initial furore, Sanchez said:

“[Stewart] is upset that someone of my ilk is almost at his level.”

Sanchez said that Stewart was bigoted toward ‘everybody else that’s not like him’ and that Stewart ‘can’t relate to what I grew up with’.

Of course, someone pointed out to Sanchez that Stewart is also from a minority, Sanchez said:

“I’m telling you that everyone who runs CNN is a lot like Stewart, and a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart, and to imply that somehow they, the people in this country who are Jewish, are an oppressed minority?”

He signed off with a sarcastic flourish of:

“Yeah. I can’t see someone not getting a job these days because they’re Jewish.”

Uh-oh.

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3 - Gods that had it off a lot – Asylum

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Without question, Larry King has the easiest job in the world. But even easy jobs can become boring.

Especially when you’ve been doing it for a while. And Larry King has been doing it for a while. Although he started presenting his daily CNN show before modern records began, physicists have used carbon dating to estimate that it’s been going since roughly the times of the Vikings. The number of public figures that Larry King has interviewed stretches well into the thousands, and the number of genuinely taxing questions he’s asked them stretches to about four.

But now it’s emerged that Larry King is going to quit his CNN show. Don’t look too pleased, though. His replacement could well be Piers Morgan. Yeesh.

Whatever you think of it, you have to admit that Larry King Live performed an invaluable function. Without Larry King, incredibly minor celebrities would have nobody to turn to when they wanted to apologise for whatever dumb crap they’ve just done. Dog The Bounty Hunter and Chris Brown and both Gosselins and that beauty queen with the sex tape who hates the gays -  they’ve all found the time to wail about their flaws on Larry King’s show before waddling off to sleep outside Al Sharpton‘s bedroom window for as long as it takes him to get bored and forgive them.

But lately, Larry King has been the celebrity in the spotlight. Thanks to news of his divorce, and the allegations that he’d been having an affair with his wife’s sister, and the rumours of his wife’s subsequent suicide attempt, had become bigger than most of the people he interviewed. Plus, you know, you can only interview so many shitpot celebrities before the urge to lean over the desk and pummel them to within an inch of their life becomes too much to bear. So maybe that had something to do with it as well. The LA Times reports:

After a quarter century as host of “Larry King Live,” the centerpiece of CNN’s prime-time lineup and a required stamping ground for striving politicians and contrite celebrities, the 76-year-old announced Tuesday that he will be leaving the program this fall… “The daily grind is tough,” King said in a phone call.

Still, let’s not forget that Larry King is an old man, and so if he leaves, then he should absolutely be allowed to do… hang on. Isn’t Piers Morgan going to take his place? No! Larry King must host his show until he dies! Until AFTER he dies! CNN should buy his corpse and just prop it up in a chair while Angelina Jolie drones on at him about her humanitarian work or whatever. It might stink out the studio a bit, but it’d work. Anything but Piers Morgan, seriously.

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It’s always good to have a chance to slap down a young, upstart colony.

So we’ve let the US have their few hundred years of fun, with their constitution and their hamburgers and their total monopoly over low and high culture internationally, but this? Pretending they’re interested enough in football to not only cobble together a World Cup team but then – the audacity – not capitulate immediately to a 10-0 tonking at their masters’ hands? How incredibly dare they.

“Something must be done,” muttered the nation as Robert Green sullenly plucked the ball from the net and our inferior American cousins whooped and hollered as if they had any comprehension of what had just occurred. But good old Great British justice was swift. The US had wronged us, and they must pay. And there’s only one punishment fit for this crime:  They must receive unto their shores the grim spectre that is… Piers Morgan.

That’s right! Half-human-half-Jabba oleaginous berk Morgan has, according to The Telegraph, signed a £5.5 million, four-year deal to take over Larry King‘s long-running chatshow/shamed celebrity confession booth on CNN.

You read right. Four years. That’s four years those Yank scallywags will have to put up with Piers Morgan oozing his fetid charm-slime all over horrified starlets and impassive Congressmen. Four years where his wobbling jowls will self-righteously park themselves in the middle of judging panels on innumerable talent shows, and proceed to quack criticism at dead-eyed singing children and borderline whack-job variety acts. Four years where he will not be here.

Take that, America! Trying to beat us at our own game, are you? Well, we’ve been making smug bastards since the Crusades and it’s time for you to sample our finest wares.

The transfer of a Premier League tossbag like Piers Morgan to the States is the continuation of a fine tradition of British arsehole-exporting. We’ve successfully removed the Posh Spice irritant from our green and pleasant land, and if we play our cards right, those N-Dubz hooligans will soon be texting death threats exclusively to women called Darleene and Cletusella as they attempt to flog their casual misogyny and funny hats on the sidewalks of the US.

But Piers Morgan is the mother-lode: the H-bomb of rank that will ensure those Merrrcan fiends will start to behave in a manner more befitting a nation that is dangerously close to getting its botty smacked. And if they even think about besting us in a sporting arena again: James Corden is loaded in the torpedo tube ready to launch across the Atlantic, and he’s got his belly out.

God help them all.

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If you ask us, nothing says happy new year like an aggressive ginger midget bellowing about genitals on the news.

So thank heavens for Kathy Griffin. Because only Kathy Griffin realised that her job co-hosting the live New Year’s countdown on CNN would give her the perfect opportunity to scream abusive penis-related epithets at random strangers in front of millions of people.

If you watched CNN on New Year’s Eve, you’ll know all about Kathy Griffin’s little outburst. But if you made the mistake of not spending your New Year’s Eve sitting at home glumly watching the news, we have the video.

OK, look. We’re sorry. We know we said that 2008 was going to be Lindsay Lohan‘s year of sex, but we were wrong. Looking back, it’s clear to us that 2008 was about something far more profound. History, we now understand, will remember 2008 as the year of elderly female celebrities roaring swearwords on live television like crazy old red-faced dockers in the early stages of dementia.

It’s true – we had Diane Keaton shouting ‘fuck’ on Good Morning America, Jane Fonda shouting ‘cunt‘ on the Today show and Joan Rivers calling Russell Crowe ‘a piece of fucking shit’ on Loose Women. It was absolutely our mistake, and we apologise wholeheartedly for not picking up on it sooner.

At least Kathy Griffin was more eagle-eyed, though. She didn’t just notice the trend but, in her position as co-host of CNN’s live New Year’s countdown broadcast, Kathy Griffin actually managed to add to the canon before the clock ran out, as the New York Daily News is only too happy to point out:

During the brief video available Griffin has begun to respond to remarks yelled at her from the crowd. It eventually escalates, and Cooper sends viewers off to a commercial break. The image changes to show revelers along Bourbon Street in New Orleans, but we can still hear Griffin, who delivers a sharp jab to her detractor.

Oh, go on then. Here’s the video…

Now you might be wondering why CNN didn’t manage to drop the sound until after Kathy Griffin had managed to bellow “I don’t come to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth” at the stranger, but we’ve got a couple of theories. Theory one is that late at night, ‘dick’ doesn’t really count as a swearword. Theory two is that Kathy Griffin’s voice is already such a grossly disagreeable hack that she could read passages from Sense And Sensibility and it’ll still sound like an offensive torrent of cursing, so it didn’t really matter how rude she was.

However, now that YouTube has made the little-watched outburst into something approaching a sensation, we get the feeling that Kathy Griffin will have to publicly apologise before it escalates into an Isaiah Washington-style scenario. Because, honestly, the last thing we need to see is Kathy Griffin presenting a PSA promoting tolerance towards the ‘men who professionally store dicks in their mouths’ community.

But whatever the repercussions, at least Kathy Griffin has helped to make the next CNN New Year’s countdown broadcast a must-see event, just on the off-chance that she goes off-piste and does something similarly offensive again. And CNN’s rivals know it, which is why MSNBC has already scheduled a show called Rosie O’Donnell Slaps A Prostitute In The Face for 11pm on December 31, while Fox has opted for the more traditional Happy New Year From Megyn Kelly And The Tramp Whose Eye She’s Shitting Into.

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Most of the entertainment business does it actually. Nobody knows why – maybe it’s because the scripts on that old channel all seemed to be written by retarded lemurs with a shaky sense of 80s joke delivery. That sort of brilliance has become increasingly difficult to capture, what with the typical progression of time and all.

What’s that now? You disagree with us? You don’t think it’s possible for any responsible person working in the entertainment industry to get any comedic education from anything ever broadcast by UPN? Well you’d be wrong there – CNN still does it all the time.

Well, they’ve done it once anyway. They recently had a crack team of people-apprehenders waiting outside D.L. Hughley‘s gigantic mansion until they found ample opportunity to stuff him into a gigantic potato sack and then offer him tons of money to host a news show for them. We heard Anderson Cooper got started roughly the same way.

CNN is in big trouble. Every-time they try to break news people either fall asleep or die from their eyeballs falling backwards into their head and clogging all their vital airways.  You’ve probably never heard of this because they called it a fluff piece unworthy of global attention. You can’t suppress the truth CNN!

They’ve got a remedy for all that viewer sleepiness/eyeball choking – D.L. Hughley. They’ve offered him a weekend comedy show that’s sure to make most people cough up their retinas with fits of raucous laughter! Sources tell us the programme’s goal is to be kind of an informative Golden Girls, but where everyone has more meticulous hair and earrings.

If that’s so, then Hughley is your man, CNN! Here’s what the station has announced:

“CNN announced Wednesday that it will premiere a new, “unconventional” weekend show hosted by comedian D.L. Hughley. “D.L. Hughley Breaks the News,” as the show is currently titled, will feature Hughley’s humorous take on the week’s events. It will also include interviews with newsmakers and reporters, according to the network. “D.L. Hughley Breaks the News” is scheduled to debut Saturday, October 25.”

It’s a match made in heaven. The same sources tell us Hughley’s opening bits for the pilot episode are gonna be about Iran-Contra, the merging of the two Germanies,  and hoping loudly that the US doesn’t go into Iraq for the first time.

We, for one, will be watching. We’ll be watching with a braille addition of the self-administered Heimlich maneuver-guide, but we’ll be watching.