There’s only one way to start an article about Piers Morgan and that’s with an unabashed string of obscenities and threats aimed squarely at the former Mirror editor and dough-faced clown. Unfortunately though, we have to be (minutely) more professional than that and would therefore urge you to launch your own insults at this image of his pompous face.
Still, what brings us to bother writing about alleged phone-hacker and self-confessed crymaxer, Morgan?
Well, it turns out that he’s had enough of being a sideshow to Howie Mandel (whoever the hell that is) and is taking time out to focus on becoming America’s most hated Pariah.
UK newsreaders are supposed to be impartial, which is why our news is so very boring compared to the mental rantings they have in the States. They lean so heavily on their views, claiming freedom of speech all the way, that you’re almost guaranteed one nervous breakdown per show.
The latest is from CNN anchor, Rick Sanchez, who is now looking for another job after being thrown out of the office for quite possibly being a bit anti-Semitic.
Sanchez was fired last week over remarks made on a Sirius radio show programme, where he branded Stewart a ‘bigot’ and claimed that the media was run by ‘people like him’… which is a see-through reference to Stewart’s Jewishry. Unless, of course, he meant ‘smart-arses’.
Without question, Larry King has the easiest job in the world. But even easy jobs can become boring.
Especially when you’ve been doing it for a while. And Larry King has been doing it for a while. Although he started presenting his daily CNN show before modern records began, physicists have used carbon dating to estimate that it’s been going since roughly the times of the Vikings. The number of public figures that Larry King has interviewed stretches well into the thousands, and the number of genuinely taxing questions he’s asked them stretches to about four.
But now it’s emerged that Larry King is going to quit his CNN show. Don’t look too pleased, though. His replacement could well be Piers Morgan. Yeesh.
It’s always good to have a chance to slap down a young, upstart colony.
So we’ve let the US have their few hundred years of fun, with their constitution and their hamburgers and their total monopoly over low and high culture internationally, but this? Pretending they’re interested enough in football to not only cobble together a World Cup team but then – the audacity – not capitulate immediately to a 10-0 tonking at their masters’ hands? How incredibly dare they.
“Something must be done,” muttered the nation as Robert Green sullenly plucked the ball from the net and our inferior American cousins whooped and hollered as if they had any comprehension of what had just occurred. But good old Great British justice was swift. The US had wronged us, and they must pay. And there’s only one punishment fit for this crime: They must receive unto their shores the grim spectre that is… Piers Morgan.
If you ask us, nothing says happy new year like an aggressive ginger midget bellowing about genitals on the news.
So thank heavens for Kathy Griffin. Because only Kathy Griffin realised that her job co-hosting the live New Year’s countdown on CNN would give her the perfect opportunity to scream abusive penis-related epithets at random strangers in front of millions of people.
If you watched CNN on New Year’s Eve, you’ll know all about Kathy Griffin’s little outburst. But if you made the mistake of not spending your New Year’s Eve sitting at home glumly watching the news, we have the video.
Sometimes hecklerspray mines UPN sitcoms for comedic morsels to pillage, pirate and post as if we’d written them ourselves.
Most of the entertainment business does it actually. Nobody knows why – maybe it’s because the scripts on that old channel all seemed to be written by retarded lemurs with a shaky sense of 80s joke delivery. That sort of brilliance has become increasingly difficult to capture, what with the typical progression of time and all.
What’s that now? You disagree with us? You don’t think it’s possible for any responsible person working in the entertainment industry to get any comedic education from anything ever broadcast by UPN? Well you’d be wrong there – CNN still does it all the time.
Well, they’ve done it once anyway. They recently had a crack team of people-apprehenders waiting outside D.L. Hughley‘s gigantic mansion until they found ample opportunity to stuff him into a gigantic potato sack and then offer him tons of money to host a news show for them. We heard Anderson Cooper got started roughly the same way.
There’s only one way to start an article about Piers Morgan and that’s with an unabashed string of obscenities and threats aimed squarely at the former Mirror editor and dough-faced clown. Unfortunately though, we have to be (minutely) more professional than that and would therefore urge you to launch your own insults at this image of his pompous face.
