People of the World, spice up your life, as Madhur Jaffrey advised us. And now, ladies, spicing up your life is even easier, because singer/author/actress/thin Geri Halliwell has finally done what everyone presumed she would have done years ago and released a range of clothes inspired by the iconic Union Jack dress she popped out of during the ’98 Brit Awards.

Peddling her wares through Next, she is hoping to capitalise on a bumper year for angry British men, uniting British pride through the Olympics (where the Union Jack will be more common than people complaining about traffic and foreigners), raising the profile of the Spice Girls, who will allegedly appear at the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee (groan) and the upcoming race for the best beachwear on the High Street.

Sounds dreadful doesn’t it?

Geri even admitted how conniving she’s been by creating a range centred on one of the most iconic British images of the past 50 years.

“I think this dress has definitely become iconic and I’m proud to say that – and equally it celebrated Britain and I can’t think of a better time to celebrate Britain. We’ve got the Olympic Games, we’ve got the Diamond Jubilee – we have a lot to feel good about. And I think really wearing something with a Union Jack on really is showing how proud we are to be British. I think it’s time we fly the flag with real pride, so I’m very excited.”

Remember, just before Bob Peck was ripped apart by velociraptors in Jurassic Park, and he said “clever girl”? He wasn’t talking about his impending doom, he was talking about Geri Halliwell.

There’s five separate designs available, incorporating an awful looking bikini, an alright looking maxi dress and an updated, not slaggy looking version of the dress she wore at the Brit Awards, with a nifty cowl neck and sequins added.

God that was a little bit Vogue wasn’t it?

In reparation for that, have these instead: poo, bum, wee, willy, front fanny and something to make your Friday start with a, what’s less than a bang? A rhythm?

The Rocky films are great aren’t they? They started off as a gritty fictional document of a rising boxing star, closing with a film that showed Rocky Balboa resembling a relaxed, tanned phallus that has been dipped in a particularly aggressive wasp nest.

And while you think that Rocky was out for the count (or, It Really Should’ve Thrown The Towel In At Rocky IV Because It Was Ace), you’d be massively wrong.

That’s because Rocky is climbing up the ropes again in slow motion, this time with another hugely stupid idea which sounds like the work of a satirist. Ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner we have decency which is already weeping… and his opponent, in the red corner, Rocky: The Broadway Musical!

That’s right. You are not dreaming that last sentence. A team of berks, comprising of Tony Award-winning songwriters Lynn Ahrens and Stephen Flaherty, alongside Thomas Meehan who has been involved with Hairspray, Annie and The Producers, are working on a musical adaptation of a bunch of films that star a central character who talks like he’s deaf.

The show is set to hit Broadway by 2013.

Better yet is that Sylvester Stallone is throwing his oar in, attending a private reading of the show which was held in New York recently.

Meehan says:

“At first I thought, all the world needs is a ‘Rocky’ musical. But then I looked at the film. I thought it had beautiful construction and such high emotion, and it was a natural musical: There is a David and Goliath story, a Cinderella story, a love story between two outcasts. It’s less about boxing than about finding self-respect and finding your soul mate.”

So, what can we expect from Rocky: The Musical?

Well, initially, we’d hoped it would just be two fellas on a stage knocking forty shades of shit out of each other, allowing pretentious theatre-goers to coo about how visceral and ‘powerfully brutal’ the whole spectacle is. However, it is clear that this wouldn’t be enough as a musical with no songs isn’t a musical at all.

As such, we’d like to see a rendition of a song called ‘Adrian’ (yes, that’s how you spell it. No, it isn’t ‘Adrienne’. We know. Don’t blame us), which sees the assembled cast delivering the name, over and over in the iconic manner that Stallone delivered it in the film, leaving audiences treated to a sound not unlike six bull seals being clubbed over the head with rubber mallets.

We’d also like to see a song based on the robot that Paulie gets for his birthday. And don’t forget James Brown’s ‘Livin’ In America’. It would be utterly, utterly pointless without it.

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Sylvester Stallone is a hilarious man with an even more hilarious face, topped by his even more amusing voice. He’s a man who has made a career of sounding like he’s been stung on the tongue by a nest of wasps.

Of course, he’s much more than a mere actor. He’s a director, writer and launched the movie themed Planet Hollywood restaurant chain which are uniformly awful. That said, it’s kinda cool to eat a burger next to Spock’s ears in a clear perspex case.

He’s also a big promoter of cigarettes in his films and likes getting caught in Australia with human growth hormone vials. And now, to add to this glittering CV, he’s going to launch a menswear line.

You heard.

Sly will be his very own clothing line and, bafflingly, it’ll be based on his two most famous roles – Rambo and Rocky. In his words, the range “looks for the rebel and the gentleman”, whatever that means.

So what can we look forward to? Well, aside from the dull t-shirts that will invariably hit the shelves that feature the words “ROCKY” and “RAMBO” on them, he could really go to town with his choices.

We’d like to see a sleeve made of pig meat which you sport, complete with First Blood wound which you can stitch up yourself in public while being pursued by a grimacing penis. We’d also enjoy it if you could by a facemask which makes you look like the blacked-up Rambo, complete with head band and perma-scowl.

As for the Rocky line, there should definitely by some kind of cap that fits on your head so tightly that if makes you talk like you’ve got brain damaged from being repeatedly punched in the mind by gigantic Russians.

Failing that, he should make tailor-made robot outfits that transform us into the robot that Paulie gets for his birthday in Rocky 4.

If these things don’t happen, then it’ll have been a ginormous waste of everybody’s time.

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Hey! Hey! You! You! Do you want to dress like an obnoxious, self-important, mostly clueless twonklord?

You do? Well that's just fantastic, because Avril Lavigne is bringing out her very own clothing line. And, best of all, every garment is loosely based on an item of clothing that Avril Lavigne actually owns!

Now you too can experience the thrill of people stopping you on the street and asking if you're Avril Lavigne. You'll also be able to experience the uncomfortable beating that you'll get when you reply "No, but I love Avril Lavigne so much that I bought a range of clothes specifically to make me look like her," but let's not dwell on that. Avril Lavigne! Yay!

For every fact that you knew about Avril Lavigne – that she's still unable to spell the word 'skater' correctly and that she's married to a man who looks like a Boglin – there's a fact that you didn't know. For instance, today we learnt that Avril Lavigne had probably the lamest-ever childhood nickname we've ever heard. Abbey Dawn. See? What does that even mean? 

You know how we discovered that about Avril Lavigne? It's because it's the name of Avril Lavigne's new clothing line. That's right – Avril Lavigne is following in the footsteps of Kate Moss and Lily Allen and creating a range of clothes, perfect for the woman who can look herself in the eye and say 'I'm not afraid to dress like a scruffy schoolgirl even though I'm a 32-year-old legal secretary with a mortgage.' E! Online reports:

The 23-year-old pop star has partnered with manufacturer Jerry Leigh to be the face of Abbey Dawn, a new junior's lifestyle brand, featuring jewelry and apparel inspired by Lavigne's personal style. "I actually am the designer," Lavigne told USA Today of the venture. "What's really important to me is that everything fits well and is well-made, so I try everything on and approve it all." The singer said the Abbey Dawn line would include "a lot of hot pinks and blacks and stars and purple and zebra. Basically, everything I wear."

What a lovely thing for Avril Lavigne to do. After all, there's no greater gift that a star can give their fans than the gift of charging them to wear clothes that are a bit like the clothes she wears. Avril Lavigne knows how to treat people well. When she isn't hawking stringy globs of spittle at them, that is.

The Avril Lavigne Abbey Dawn clothing line goes on sale exclusively at Kohl's, with the products going on sale for July. But if you can't wait to see what the Avril Lavigne clothing line will look like, why not check out The Rubinoos clothing line. We hear they're quite similar.

Read more:

Avril's Happy Branding - E! Online