Forget singing and dancing and marrying idiots, winning X Factor with Alexandra Burke might be Cheryl Cole’s greatest achievement.

Because, for teaching herself the Pavlovian response of bursting into tears every that Alexandra opened her poxy mouth, Cheryl Cole is now a proper celebrity. So much so that she might release her own clothing line.

Topshop reportedly wants to give Cheryl a Kate Moss-style clothing collection, so soon everybody can look exactly like Cheryl Cole. Well, almost – they’d have to become tiny malnourished midget transvestites in too much make-up if they wanted to look exactly like her. Rules is rules.

Celebrity clothing lines are a bit old hat, really, aren’t they? A year ago everyone was at it, but most of them died on their arse quite quickly. Madonna’s H&M clothing line was short-lived because people worked out that if they wanted to dress like a pensionable divorcee, the PDSA would be cheaper. Lily Allen’s clothing line failed because people heard that the ‘Ewok going to a highschool prom’ look wasn’t going to be very hot in 2008. And Amy Winehouse’s clothing line failed because, well, have you seen Amy Winehouse? Ick.

There’s one exception to this, though, and that’s Kate Moss. When Kate Moss designed a range of clothes for Topshop last year – a process that we imagine consisted of Kate Moss sprawled out on a sofa saying things like “What about a red dress?” or “I know! A lovely blouse!” to some actual fashion designers – people got very excited indeed. This is partly because Kate Moss is a fashion icon, partly because Topshop has the commercial muscle to make her line work and partly because people are so stupid we often dream about stuffing them all into weighted binbags and hurling them into a flooded quarry.

But if Topshop can make a Kate Moss fashion line a success, then it can definitely make a Cheryl Cole fashion line a success. After all, now that she’s spent the last three months bawling like a clot at Alexandra Burke doing Whitney Houston karaoke songs on X Factor, Cheryl Cole is now the nation’s favourite worryingly thin female Geordie talent show judge, and the world is her oyster.

And that’s why the News Of The World is claiming that Topshop is lining up a special Cheryl Cole clothing line for next year:

The 25-year-old discussed it with model Kate Moss, 34, a fortnight ago. The pair had real Chemistry and now Kate is negotiating with pal Sir Philip Green, the Topshop tycoon, about the Girls Aloud star designing her own range. A source revealed: “When Cheryl said she wanted to get into high street fashion, Kate got very, very animated. It’s very likely to happen next year.”

It goes without saying that this Cheryl Cole clothing line will obviously be wildly successful, even though none of the dumpy chavs who will actually buy any of the clothes stand a hope in hell of coming close to Cheryl’s patented ‘fingernail in a lion’s mane’ style.

But Cheryl Cole’s a forthright lady, so whatever the garments in her clothing line look like, we’re sure they’ll reflect her personality perfectly. And you know what that means? it means all her clothes will be made of brass, and they’ll also be wipe-clean to it’s easy to clear up any spillages, like tears or perfume that gets spilled while you try to assault a black toilet attendant or vomit that your footballer husband has puked over another woman during a bout of drunken extramarital sexual intercourse.

You know, because she’s thoughtful like that.

Read more:

Cheryl plots high street takeover – News Of The World

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