clothes - HecklerSpray

The Oscars: Everything You Need To Know About It Because You Went To Bed (Includes Blackface And Potential Nipple)

February 27th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Last night saw the Oscars or Academy Awards being held and a bunch of people did some stuff, while others collected trophies and other didn’t do much at all, but still somehow got in the newspapers.

It was amazing, obviously.

Like sensible people, most of you were in bed last night. And so you don’t miss out on anything, we’ve decided to create a big cheat-sheet for you so you can talk about the Oscars in the office like you stayed up all night. And no, no-one actually expected Billy Crystal to black-up for his opening segment.

Donatella Versace Doesn’t Want Non-Anorexics To Wear Her Clothes. Here’s Why She’s Right

November 16th, 2011 By Robin Darke

It seems like the highly anticipated, but probably ultimately disappointing, collaboration between Versace and H&M is headed for rocky roads. Roads that are as rocky as Donatella Versace?s face.

That’s because the raggedy face fashion luminaire has decided, a few days before the actual range lands in stores, that she doesn't like the look of people who don't advocate bulimia as a life choice, and doesn't want to taint her precious designs by putting them on fatties.

Ridiculous, right? Well, probably not.

TV Review: Mary Portas Opens A Shop To Cry In

August 5th, 2012 By Robin Darke

There's always someone on TV spouting some fashion related twaddle about upcoming Autumn/Winter looks and how on-trend leggings are, and they're generally all giant weeping arseholes.

If it isn't Gok Wan molesting women and masquerading it as appreciation of the female form then it's that nad-less Mark Heyes spouting how great different shades of red are. Not even taking into account people with colour blindness. That's how much of a monster he is. And then there's Jason Gardiner.

But one woman stands aside from all of those gushing Anna Wintour Wannabes and fights for the customer?s desire to get good customer service, taking under her designer wing a whole range of businesses from bakeries, charity shops and garden centres (probably). That woman is Mary Portas of course. Imagine how angry you would be if you'd just read 140 words and this was all about Fern Britton.

Kate Moss Gets The Crayons Out To Start Writing Tedious Autobiography

July 28th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Models are, if we’re being honest, the most crashingly wearisome humans on Earth. They’re hired to be transparent when wearing clothes (why would a designer hire a human who actively distracts you from their clothes, huh?) and work so much that their lives are a series of non-events.

The only time anyone gets truly interested in a model is when they start talking about the terrible regimes they endure to stay so sickeningly thin. Laxatives, cigarettes and bulimia doesn’t make for a glamorous proposition.

And so, Kate Moss has started work on her first autobiography, which will hopefully be mostly focusing on what a monster Naomi Campbell seems to be.

Peaches Geldof Likes Reading Negative Things About Herself

April 13th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

If Peaches Geldof wasn?t the daughter of a moaning old rocker who pretty much called us pricks for not giving to charity, she’d be the sort of girl you'd see tapping furiously on a laptop in Starbucks all day and blabbing loudly on Skype.

With a face resembling curdled milk, she always looks like a combination of someone surprised and zoned out. Either everything is a surprise to her, or she takes a lot of ketamine.

Every time she appears in the news, we don't get to hear of any great deeds she's done for charity. Instead, she's either off her chops on drugs, accused of stealing clothes or having relationship issues. Basically, she's just a piss poor UK version of marriage mentalist Britney Spears and jewellery pincher Lindsay Lohan. For reasons unbeknown to us, Peaches Geldof keeps on getting TV work, with ITV2 giving her a ghastly show called OMG! With Peaches Geldof.

Kanye West To Release A Line Of Rubbish Silk Scarves?

April 8th, 2011 By Kris Silver

Kanye West likes to remind us how ghetto he is whenever he can, because we shouldn?t be fooled by the rocks that he's got, he's still Kanye from the block.

But Kanye's ghetto credentials may finally get revoked if rumours of his latest business venture are to be believed.

According to some magazine we?d never heard of until now, Kanye is to launch a new line of designer silk scarves. Which, as we all know, is the fashion accessory every wannabe gangbanger has been missing all this time.

Peaches Geldof Accused Of Stealing For The Heck Of It

March 16th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

Peaches Geldof has decided to forge a career for herself outside of composing listicles for a myriad of otherwise credible media publications.

It’s just a shame that she’s being accused of breaking the law in her new line of work. It’s a shame because, according to multiple reports, the 22-year-old is turning quite a roaring trade.

It was reported yesterday that the daughter of Live Aid’s founder, Bob Geldof, and daughter of the late Paula Yates, had been accused of theft. Again.

Kate Moss Is Better At Wearing Clothes Than You

November 18th, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

Clothes are quite an integral part of our lives. Not only do they stop our dangly bits getting in the way of sharp pointy objects but they allow designers to flog all sorts of overpriced garments that cost peanuts to make in sweatshops all over Asia.

But if you have no real ethics or morals, the main purpose of clothing is to keep look more fashionable than everyone else.

Out of the two fairer sexes, women are the ones who?ll often do battle with each other as they attempt to outdo everyone else in the fashion stakes. Stilettos will be used as makeshift daggers as fights break out over pairs discount leggings that at best look like they were modelled on a bin bags.

Sacha Baron Cohen Turns Cage Fighting Totally Gay

March 25th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

We have a friend that used to orchestrate panda fights in her basement.

She’d charge $12 a pop to watch, and when enough people were gathered around she’d let the beasts out of their cages. Those pandas are savage animals too – we saw them skin a guy once. It was a half-dead senior citizen, but a guy nonetheless.

But all that was when the pandas were younger. With the passing of time came panda-related geriatric problems. Also with the passing of time came a strange gay-panda love affair. It was actually horrific – not that anything’s wrong with that.

That experience is why we feel we can relate so well to a whole bunch of people in Arkansas. They showed up for a vicious cage fight, and what they got instead was two grown mean undressing each other in a flurry of lust and passion.

And you know who people are blaming? Borat. We mean Bruno. People are blaming Bruno.

Bored? Why Not Buy Tony Soprano’s Clothes?

March 25th, 2009 By C J Davies

We’ve all been there.

You know the feeling: it’s a big night out and you want to dress to impress. But all your best clothes are in the laundry, and you can’t go out naked again – you always seem to draw all that nasty ‘police attention’, and besides, it’d be the third time this week. How you wish – oh, how you yearn and pray – that you could look like an overweight gangster who may or may not be dead and whose life neatly doubles up as a slow-burning metaphor for various aspects of American national identity.

Well … now you can!