Actually, make that ‘was’. Because yesterday Toni Braxton became the latest celebrity to be voted off Dancing With The Stars after the American public deemed her West Coast Swing to be inexplicably worse than the sight of octogenarian contestant Cloris Leachman stumbling around like a Thriller zombie.

However, Toni Braxton took her Dancing With The Stars elimination with good grace, adding that all the constant training had helped to improve the heart condition that looked set to wreck her career a few months ago. The message is clear, everyone – dancing regularly can improve your health to a level that’s just below that of a frail 82-year-old woman. Good work, Toni.

Well this isn’t good. Even in its title, Dancing With The Stars promises celebrity – that or giant flaming balls of exploding gas, which hardly seems practical – but the stars seem to be deserting Dancing From The Stars at an exceptional rate.

First Kim Kardashian left Dancing With The Stars because she couldn’t adapt her one identifiable skill – starring in dreary internet sex tapes – onto the dancefloor. Then one of the few other recognisable names on the show, Olympic beach volleyball gold medallist Misty May-Treanor, snapped her leg in half or something and was forced to retire.

That left just one famous name on Dancing With The Stars – Toni Braxton. And she’s only famous because her song Unbreak My Heart is a perennial hit at pissed-up self-loathing middle-aged recent divorcee karaoke parties. But that doesn’t matter – all you need to know is that Toni Braxton was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night.

In all fairness, Toni Braxton was never supposed to last this long on Dancing With The Stars – her chronic heart complaint that caused her to cancel her Las Vegas residency was supposed to flare up in week two and make her keel over like David Carradine at the end of Kill Bill.

But in fact the opposite happened – clomping about on a stage for the amusement of a shrieking Italian midget week after week actually helped Toni Braxton’s recovery, as Access Hollywood reveals:

”[I’m] a little disappointed,” Toni said. Although she was sent on her way, Toni said she felt like she had a successful run. “My goal was reached,” the sexy singer said. “I can breathe better… and my heart is doing better, so my goal was definitely reached.”

See, that’s the problem with celebrities these days – they set their goals too high. Toni Braxton’s only goal was not to drop to the floor clutching her chest on live television, and she just about accomplished that. Everyone’s happy.

But still, now that Toni Braxton has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars, it leaves producers with a branding problem. They can’t in all good judgement call the show Dancing With The Stars because there aren’t any famous people on it any more. So tune in next week, America, for the first episode of the brand-new show Dancing With The Least Famous One Out Of ‘N Sync And A Funny Old Lady Who Your Parents Think They Might Recognise.

In recent years, Dancing With The Stars contestants have included one-legged Heather Mills, constantly-fainting Marie Osmond and Mel B – a woman so harrowingly northern that there’ll soon be a all-star charity concert held to stop her eating tripe and breeding greyhounds.

And this year’s Dancing With The Stars is no different – contestants include 82-year-old Cloris Leachman, recent heart-scare patient Toni Braxton and Kim Kardashian, who suffers from a rare arse disorder called Booty Tumours. Or she doesn’t. Let’s not pretend that we care about any of this, shall we.

Of all the shows we’ve never watched because the thought of it makes us want to petrol-bomb an orphanage, our favourite has to be Dancing With The Stars. It’s basically a lot like Strictly Come Dancing, but without the scouse lady judge who looks like angry kebab meat. And it’s American, so it’s clearly better.

No really, it is. Who was on the last season of Strictly Come Dancing? That woman from Mis-Teeq and an infuriatingly smug ladyboy from EastEnders. Meanwhile Dancing With The Stars had Steve Guttenburg and apple-faced collapser Marie Osmond. Is it even possible to top a confusing bundle of ninnies like that? In short, no. Or yes. It pretty much depends on how much you like watching people who used to be in Dynasty clip-clop around dressed like poverty-stricken drag queens.

The contestants for the new season of Dancing With The Stars were revealed yesterday and, boy oh boy, are they ever, um, people. Here are the new Dancing With The Stars stars, in glorious alphabetical order:

Lance Bass – Lance is gay, so he obviously loves to dance. He was also in N’Sync, so he obviously loves to dance. He’s also failed to find any kind of successful solo project, so it’s either this or one of those other reality TV shows about masturbating farmyard animals. But, really, he does love to dance.

Toni Braxton – Toni Braxton recently had a heart scare, making her Dancing With The Stars Contestant Who Might Literally Drop Dead At Any Second Number One.

Brooke Burke – A woman who you get the feeling you should recognise, but have no idea why.

Rocco Dispirito – A man who you’ve never heard of, don’t care why and who only gets close to the term ’star’ because of his judderingly stupid name.

Maurice Green – Like Usain Bolt except he’s a) not as fast, b) not as famous and c) on a rubbish reality TV show instead of being an eternal Olympic hero.

Kim Kardashian – You’ve seen what she looks like when she has sex. You have. You have. Why are you acting like you haven’t? Don’t make us come over there and search your hard drive.

Cloris Leachman – As well as being the star of Young Frankenstein, Cloris Leachman is also 82 years old making her Dancing With The Stars Contestant Who Might Literally Drop Dead At Any Second Number Two.

Codey Linley – A Hannah Montana star who desn’t take semi-naked pictures of himself in the shower? Well we’ll be jiggered.

Susan Lucci – Apparently ‘the most famous face in daytime television history’, which must be true because she’s doing Dancing With The Stars with Rocco Dispirito. Rocco Dispirito!

Misty May-Treanor – She just won a gold medal for beach volleyball at the Olympics. Was that the height of her career? No way, because as prestigious as becoming an Olympic legend is, it doesn’t involve doing anything with anyone called Rocco Dispirito. Rocco Dispirito!

Ted McGinley – Some bloke.

Jeffrey Ross – Known as The Roastmaster General. Not because of his constant appearances on comedy roasts, but because once he ate 63 Yorkshire puddings in a 48-hour timespan. Gosh!

Warren Sapp - Dancing With The Stars Contestant Who Might Literally Drop Dead At Any Second Number Three because life is naught but a book that ends without warning. Also, we don’t know who Warren Sapp is.