Cliff Richard - HecklerSpray

Cliff Richard Wants To Kill Your Elderly, Mental Relatives

October 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Cliff Richard hates the mental. It’s official. He thinks that they should all be locked up in an asylum and gradually killed. Maybe once an afternoon. While they’re enjoying Cash In The Celebrity Bric-a-Brac Stand probably.

Catch them off guard while they’re trying to figure out who the bell ringing killer is on Midsomer Murder. Imagine how mental David Dickinson looks while you’re under the influence of some “humane” poison.

If he had the chance, Cliff would happily pop a mentalist’s clogs for them as well.

Cliff Richard Jettisons Secretary From Private Jet At 25,000 Feet

July 5th, 2011 By Michael Park

Rock God Cliff Richard?has today admitted to pulling off the most incredible rock n’ roll stunt in history after throwing his secretary of 40 years from a jet cruising at 25,000 feet. The star of ‘Summer Holiday’ and ‘God, What A Terrible Calendar’ has been trying to shake off his ‘granny’s favourite’ tag by hanging out with Peaches Geldof & Ke$ha and was also spotted in a London nightspot challenging Daniel O’Donnell to a scrap.

It’s a sad decline for one of Britain’s best-loved celebrities. From the moment the last shutter sounded on the infamous calendar shoot of 2010, Sir?Cliff decided he still “had it” and wanted to attempt to break the world record for shagging his way around an issue of Grazia. He started by seducing Kelly Osbourne using the “I used to know your dad angle” but quickly moved on when he realised that he could never replace her dead dog.

The former detrimental presence in front of The Shadows was recently interviewed in The Sun where he claimed that his life of worship and abstinence meant that he could spend his twilight years pretending to be “f**king Jesus Christ himself” if he wanted to.

Cliff Richard, Number One!

November 23rd, 2010 By Ralph Sanders

Despite holding a genuine old person bus pass, smelling of wee and forgetting where he puts his slippers on a regular basis, Cliff Richard has somehow topped the charts again. No, honest.

He’s become the number one bestseller in the hotly contested ?battle of who can sell the most overpriced calendar to people you don't really like enough to buy a proper present for, but y?know, it'll do, it's almost Christmas and you want to go and get smashed on eggnog and crap homemade mulled wine? chart.

Weird, right?? You?d have thought all of his fans were dead by now.

Famous People Who Would NEVER Cheat On You

March 11th, 2010 By Josh Burt

The main problem with famous people is that they have such trouble keeping their underpants on. Everyone’s at it these days. It’s all sex here, sex over there, more sex here again. Do an interview, have a bit of sex. Sing a song, then have sex. Go to an awards show, have sex with someone first.

The latest celebrity having sex with people who aren’t his wife is Mark Owen – the cute little gentleman from Take That. The one who looks like the main character in an imaginary?film called Hobbits – Lost in Miami.

Only, whilst the funny little people in that?movie would just?wander around looking confused and overawed by everything – even everyday?items like kettles, or ironing boards?- in real life Mark has been busily showing strangers his penis.

So, with that in mind, we thought it high time to list some famous people who DEFINITELY would not cheat on you if you got married…

The 10 Worst Ever Christmas Number Ones, Ever

December 21st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Remember when the Christmas number one used to be sacred? So do we.

It's not any more, obviously – until Facebook waded in to fix things, 2009 looked set to go down as the year that an annoying boy with too many teeth got the Christmas number one with a piss-weak Miley Cyrus cover version. He didn’t manage it, but it sure was close.

Now that Rage Against The Machine have secured the Christmas number one spot, we should probably take a look back at years when we didn’t have it so good.

Oh, and we know that we only did a thing about the greatest Christmas number ones last week, but this is hecklerspray, damnit. Being nice about things confuses us.

Cliff Richard’s Eurovision Hobbled By Fascists

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

No, really. Actual fascists. Cliff Richard would have won Eurovision in 1968 if it weren’t for those darn fascists. Really.

A documentary was aired on Spanish TV last night claiming that Cliff Richard was the rightful winner of the 1968 Eurovision Song Contest in London, but General Franco‘s fascist regime rigged the vote in Spain’s favour.

These are just claims, of course, and we have no reason to believe that they’re true – firstly because if you can’t trust an all-powerful unblinking facist dictatorship then who can you trust, and secondly because Cliff Richard is going to be really sodding unbearable once he finds out about it.

Cliff Richard: Literally The New Radiohead

October 31st, 2007 By Stuart Heritage

Now, chances are you've just read the words 'Cliff Richard: Literally The New Radiohead' and assumed that Sir Cliff Richard has recorded a depressing wonky-eyed album full of experimentally introspective songs called things like Kafka SMTP.

However, the truth is a little more boring. Instead of, say, soundtracking an avant-garde movie about radio static with a series of dissonant chords played on the back of a kettle, Cliff Richard has instead decided to let his fans choose how much they want to pay for his new album entitled Love… The Album. But it's pretty much entirely irrelevant what hare-brained scheme Cliff Richard has dreamed up to sell his new record, because it rests on the hinges of Cliff Richard fans using the internet to preorder the album, and in our experience most Cliff Richard fans are so technologically backwards that they've only just learnt that DVDs aren't for spreading jam on and trying to eat like shiny Ryvita.