For example, Clay Aiken might find himself starting to enjoy the music of Bette Midler more that he did before, and there’ll be moments when he finds the movie Mamma Mia genuinely touching rather than tacky and bad. But most of all, Clay Aiken will find himself at the centre of a Rosie O’Donnell statement.

In fact, Clay Aiken already has. In a brief statement given hours after it emerged that Clay Aiken was gay, Rosie O’Donnell told the world that she ‘loves’ Clay. Oh Rosie – Clay Aiken isn’t going to love you back, you know. He’s gay now, and that means he doesn’t like women. But don’t worry Rosie O’Donnell, you’ll find a good man one of these days.

Now that she’s not on The View any more, and all of her subsequent television plans have fallen through, Rosie O’Donnell only has two ways to remind people that she exists.

The first of these is her blog, where readers can discover exactly what Rosie O’Donnell thinks of topics as varied as what she thinks of Dancing With The Stars and… wait, no, that’s it.

The second of Rosie O’Donnell’s ways is to make declarations on the newly-gay. Essentially in this respect it’s best to think of Rosie O’Donnell as the gay version of the nice woman who shows you round the office on your first day of work – you know, the one who only does it because she’s alienated herself from all the other workers and has to latch onto the new-starters for company, and who you feel bead for ignoring after a week because she sort of smothers you.

So obviously, Rosie O’Donnell was going to be all over yesterday’s news that Clay Aiken is gay. This is her bread and butter – after all, Clay Aiken is so newly gay that he probably doesn’t know any of the conventions yet. Like the one about only wearing semi-transparent mesh vests that show off his nipples from now on, the one about the compulsory moustache and the all-important left to right gloryhole entry system that was implemented to stem the tide of excruciating penal collision.

That’s the stuff Rosie O’Donnell can help with. So, what did Rosie O’Donnell decide to say to Clay Aiken? E! Online reports:

“I love Clay,” she said. “He is a beautiful man in every way.”

Why Rosie, that’s as sweet as it is completely untrue. However, we’re going to forgive you just this once, because you were probably just saving time by not rolling out the full-length “I love Clay. He is a beautiful man in every way. Except for his hair. And those weird wolfy teeth he’s got. And his speaking voice is really anything but beautiful. And when he smiles his eyes disappear and it’s kind of creepy. I think that just about covers it. Oh, and the way he dresses. Yeesh.”

But still, Clay Aiken must be grateful that a high profile member of the gay community like Rosie O’Donnell has decided to show her support for him in this uncertain time of his life.

It must be nice to have anyone show their support for him, in fact, just because it makes a change from the deep awkward silence that Clay Aiken has received from everyone else because they always just presumed he was gay anyway and didn’t realise there was supposed to be this big secret about it.

We know. We were staggered as well. The news about Clay Aiken being gay broke after a cover of the next issue of People was leaked to the press, featuring a gay-looking Clay Aiken and the headline ‘Yes, I’m Gay’. Clay Aiken’s blindsiding admission is just the latest shocking scoop that People has scored, following last month’s ‘The Pope: Hey, I’m A Catholic’ and ‘A Bear: Yes, I Just Did A Poo In The Woods Over There.’

It was undoubtedly a very brave thing Clay Aiken to do – to reveal his true sexuality after so many years of hiding it from the public – but he shouldn’t have worried. Because whatever sexuality Clay Aiken happens to be, gay or straight, we still won’t really know who he is. And isn’t that the most important thing?

Wow. We really didn’t see this one coming. Literally nothing about American Idol’s Clay Aiken – not his gentle voice, his polite manners, his army of housewife fans, his stupid hair, his gay teeth – could have ever prepared us for the fact that Clay Aiken is as completely gay as they get.

To be honest that’s because there’s literally nothing about Clay Aiken that suggests he’s ever owned a functioning set of genitals, but that’s beside the point.

The point is – if you hadn’t picked up on it yet – that Clay Aiken is gay. The news will come as a shock to some of Clay’s fans – particularly the ones without eyes, ears, instinct or the power of cognitive reason – especially since Clay Aiken fathered a baby not so long ago and is macho enough to start fights on planes. But tell that to People magazine.

The next cover of People has already been chosen and, because of its earth-shattering importance, leaked to the press. E! Online has the skinny:

“We can confirm that Clay Aiken and his son are featured on the next issue of People” is all the magazine would say in response to questions about its leaked cover, which boasts the pullout quote: “Yes, I’m gay.” “I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things,” he says.

It’s commendable that, after years of what must have been heart-rending anxiety about his private life, Clay Aiken has finally decided to come out on the front cover of a magazine that probably paid him enough money to buy a house to do it. What’s more, there’s something intrinsically commendable about wanting to raise your child in an environment of complete honestly. We assume that it’s only a matter of time before Clay Aiken sits his son on his knee and finally confesses that, in all honestly, his 2004 album Merry Christmas With Love was a fat bag of shit.

Anyway, forget about Clay Aiken for a moment – we want to know how this announcement will affect his female fans. You know, the ones who follow Clay around everywhere he goes. The ones with posters of Clay on their walls. The ones who harbour tiny crushes for him. You know, the stupid ones.

Actually, we’re sure they won’t mind one way or the other. If they love Clay Aiken as much as they say they do, then they should just be thankful that their idol can now stop living a lie and express his sexuality as freely as he likes.

Plus, so long as that hunk Neil Patrick Harris still loves the ladies, they’ve still got a chance. Right girls?

It sprang forth from its mother’s womb. Taking a first invigorating breath, it leapt off the table – and then just stood there taking everything in. It thought of the struggle it had just endured to fight its way out of his mother’s colon, and it thought of the struggles yet to come. But mostly it was just glad its mamma’s smaller intestine could no longer coil around it all snake-like.

You ever had a poo-filled serpent put the squeeze on you? It’s unpleasant to say the least. Maybe that’s why Clay Aiken’s baby wanted out so bad – and it did!

That’s right, Clay Aiken is a father. His child was born, and unless some sort of crazy time machine causes him to get sucked back up somebody’s freshly stretched woo-woo, he’s here to stay.

Clay Aiken had a baby. We knew this day would come. Thus far reactions from most Aiken-friends have been Simon Cowell saying the kid squeals like an unpleasant pig, Randy Jackson stating he really likes the groove the tot seems able to establish, and Paula Abdul verbally wondering what wine would taste like when sipped out of the child’s hollowed skull.

Also Rubin Studdard said he’d really like the baby to not keep hugging him all the time on-camera during finales for various music competitions.

None of that was true.

What is true though is that the baby seems to think the outside world is just so much roomier than the petrie dish he was conceived in. To this we say ‘Duh, Einstein.’

Aiken says of his child’s bloody arrival:

“I’m sure you know…I hate putting the cart before the horse. Not my way to tempt fate. But I wanted to stop by, if only for a second, so you could be the first folks I tell…HE’S HERE! Parker was born at a hospital in North Carolina just this morning at 8:08 a.m. Wow…8:08…08/08/08.”

The child weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces, and was over two hundred meters long.

This all reminds hecklerspray of the first time we had a baby. It was so exciting. First we saw the head, then we saw an arm, and then we saw our first wife’s toothy vagina start trying to re-swallow junior. Well needless to say we weren’t having it. After three elbows to Deborah’s abdominal region she relinquished the child, and was immediately sucked back to hell through a black-wormy tunnel that opened up where her drip was supposed to be.

And don’t worry about Junior – he’s fine. He spends all day under the stairs playfully reciting chants in Latin, Greek & some language that sounds an awful lot like live cats being split open by an angry, disgruntled butcher.

We think it’s French.

Because a woman is currently pregnant with his child. That’s right, we said a woman is currently pregnant with Clay Aiken’s baby – a female woman too, not the cheap kind with the snap-on lady parts.

Not only did he render a woman with-child using nothing but the powers of his magic mind, but it’s some 50-year-old woman too – one who mathematically speaking should have been barren at least 20 years ago. But why isn’t she barren? We don’t know – but we assume it has something to do with her rubbing stereo speakers all over her woo-woo while Measure of a Man plays on repeat in the cassette player.

And we want you all to know we’re serious about that too – Africa’s population is currently booming for that same Aiken woo-woo rubbing reason – it really works!

Clay Aiken is so nice he just helped an old lady immaculately conceive a miracle baby. What a guy! The child, we’re told, is to be referred to as the Chosen One, and will be raised in three Buddhist temples on a strict diet of locusts, honey & Slim Jims. That’s how they do it now days. Honestly, it’s getting so much easier to be a Buddhist.

Well we’re not too sure about any of that, actually – but some lady really is pregnant with Aiken’s seed this very second!

Now don’t get too upset gay community, because although by appearance some 50 year old woman is trying to steal one C. Aiken from your probably closeted ranks, he’s not going without a fight. You should all perk up a bit to learn that although Mr. Aiken has apparently dabbled in heterosexuality long enough to make an old lady pregnant, he did so without any direct penile-hag contact.

That’s because the child was conceived with the help of several doctors wearing blue rubber gloves, multi-colored medical masks and a petri dish made from the purest gold. TMZ reports:

“Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend. He lives at her home when he’s in L.A. We’re told 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She’s the sister of record mogul David Foster. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29. We’re told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.”

The child will be born in August, implying of course it’s well into the second trimester. This is important to note as the second trimester is when Clay started writing his Merry Christmas With Love album. Just in case, both pen and paper have been delicately inserted into the 50 year old woman’s most secret places on the off chance Aiken’s forming child thinks up anything super poetic and catchy.

And before any of you hooligans go mocking poor Clay for the whole petri dish thing, you should know we were conceived in one of those too. Our mother wanted a child that was part her, part tyrannosaur.

We’re told we scratched like heck coming out of the birth canal, and then ate Momma’s entire bottom half in the delivery room. Probably because we were so fragile and scared. Baby dinosaurs are easily spooked.

That’s just something to keep in mind if you come across one in the wild.