Paz de la Huerta – who you’ve never heard of because she’s an actress on Boardwalk Empire, which is only watched by eight broadsheet writers and a handful of saps in slacks – has been charged with assault.

Who has she attacked? Well, you’ll be fizzing with excitement when you discover that she set-about ‘City’ star Samantha Swetra.

Amazing! It would appear that Paz has been charged with 5 misdemeanor charges, including two counts of 3rd degree assault, 4th degree criminal possession of a weapon, attempted assault and harassment. Great list.

Hilariously (because it is amazingly trashy), Paz is reported to have lobbed a glass at Samantha and followed it up with a punch square in the face of this Samantha character at a party at the Standard Hotel. This means De la Huerta will be going back to court on May 19th to say sorry and do her best to say she was misunderstood when she yelled:

‘I’m a real actress on HBO! She’s a fake actress publicity-seeker!’

Even classier, Paz apparently went about her fight while (allegedly) drunk as a skunk, falling all over the place with her boobs hanging out. Fantastic.

Swetra was having a nice time talking to Lindsay Lohan at the time. We knew (and hoped) that she wouldn’t be able to stay away from trouble for too long.

There, thrilled spectators watch a scrap that apparently saw de la Huerta beating Swetra repeatedly until her nose and mouth poured with crimson, b-list blood. If she is convicted, de la Huerta could have a nice time sulking in prison for a year.

Now, if other celebrities could take note, this is the kind of behaviour we expect of you, okay?

Sort it out.

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The last time Batman was in court it was for the now infamous case Batman vs. Dick Grayson’s cold, cold heart, in which the Dark Knight awkwardly sued his only co-worker for unrequited love. We’re not sure how it ended, but we seem to remember some major civil right coming out of the thing.

The next time he was in court was for a space-camp lawsuit, and the time after that it was because Catwoman smacked him really hard with a bull-whip once. It was in the middle of a battle. The judge sided with the lady, possibly because she was all leathered-up.

But as anybody who has ever sued judicially knows, three lawsuits are never enough. That’s why Batman is currently sticking it to Christopher Nolan for getting all up in his business and ruining the awesome life he once had. Wait – did we say ‘..he once had’? Because we meant to say ‘..it once had.’ The Batman in this case is some crappy city in Turkey.

There was a time not so long ago that in the city of Batman, Turkey, a guy could really be a guy. You could walk down the street with half a pig slung over your shoulder, chewing chunks off it whenever you’d see fit. And the best part was – nobody would even say anything – because they were all publicly chomping half-pig too.

Then Christopher Nolan decided to destroy a good thing. He swooped in with his stupid Batman movies and turned Batman movies into such a tourist hot-spot that the city council soon ruled people could only indulge in their dead swine behind closed doors, or in their backyards.

Well the city’s good mayor doesn’t like this one bit – and he plans to personally take Christopher Nolan to task over this. Here’s part of the story straight off of a Turkish news website called Hurriyet.com:

“The royalty of the name ‘Batman’ belongs to us … There is only one Batman in the world. The American producers used the name of our city without informing us,” Kalkan told to the Doğan news agency. Batman is a centuries old city, taking root in the Neolithic age but becoming significant when oil was found in the region at the end of 1940s. Almost a decade before that, Batman was created as a comic hero. Kalkan is going to sue Christopher Nolan, the director of the latest Batman movie “The Dark Night,” not DC Comics, the creator of the superhero.

It’s unknown whether the Mayor will sue in the American court system, or perhaps more locally from the big green barn located at the intersection of Main St & First South there in Batman’s financial district.

The only thing known for absolute certain is that Nolan will probably lose, and perhaps as lawsuit-payment the city will just want a production credit strong enough to make a noticeable difference in Batman 3. Like maybe Gotham could be  a suburb of Turkish Batman. Also maybe the superhero could use his numerous resources to wreak vengeance on the unholy Kurds that clog the world’s sewers with their inferior religious belief system.

Also maybe they could work Phillip Seymour Hoffman into the script. Yes, that would all blend quite nicely.