We can categorically guarantee without a shadow of a doubt that our readers know exactly what an experiment is. Some of you will have studied science in school and will have been involved in the dissemination of liquid from beaker to conical flask; some of you might even be scientists. If you are then can we suggest that you keep an eye on that petri dish over there as it appears to be sentient.

Even the regular readers who trawl the site looking for something to get up in arms about are familiar with experimentation, having been used as test subjects by a series of alien species with nefarious designs on the rectal areas of people who believe in a Michael Jackson-led arachnid conspiracy, coordinated from the moon.

Odd-balls, basically.

Unfortunately there are many advertisers who, like most of the simple concepts in the world, just can’t get their heads around the idea of an experiment. Take the lovely people from Bulmers as a case in point. Their latest advertising shtick revolves around rewarding ‘experimental’ people.

You can watch it here if you can handle the inane advertising drivel that goes along with it. It’s probably best that you at least try, otherwise a lot of what we’re telling you might be quite hard to digest.

For a start there’s the cider itself. Crushed red berries and lime, made with over 100 years of experience. Hardly experimental. crushed red berries go quite well with lime, anyone who’s ever tried a strawberry daiquiri can tell you that. Is the experimental element putting it in a bottle? As we already mentioned, much of science is decanting liquid from one receptacle to another. Perhaps that’s it.

Is it the stacked up TVs which are the experimental element? There’s nothing experimental about the systematic piling of television equipment unless Bulmers hope to create some kind of portal to another dimension using nothing but static electricity and cathode ray tubes.

Wait. Hang on just one god-damned minute. Is this the experiment? An un-named comedian (Humphrey Ker, to give him his due) standing in the street, acting like a charity mugger with a camera crew trying to get people to go to his “friend’s gig” round the corner? He’s handing out wristbands! Is that experimental in any way? Having a man in the street trying to get people to do something that they don’t want to do? Walk down any street in a city and you’ll see that en masse. There’s no experiment there.

Perhaps the gig itself is the experimental element? Maybe it’s some kind of Japanese musical installation where the band members only play sounds using construction components. Maybe we’ll hear the first ever drum solo played on a high-visibility jacket stretched over a storage drum.

Oh, it’s Plan B.

PLAN B ISN’T EXPERIMENTAL! The man would like you to believe that he saved soul music from the drudgery of the world but in actual fact he did nothing more than further dilute an already irritatingly shallow talent pool with music that doesn’t really “do it” for anyone but definitely sounds good when having a few drinks and nibbles before a dinner party. It’s the kind of music that David Cameron might listen to. That’s not terribly experimental.

Maybe there’s an element of sexual experimentation? Maybe the advert will end with Plan B taking sixteen women, three men and a Shetland pony backstage for a massive orgy that will only end when the police come in to break things up like the massive fascists that they are.

That never happens.

In actual fact, nothing experimental happens in the entire advert. That leaves us wondering why a company would create an advertising campaign based entirely around experimentation and the rewards that can come to those who ‘take a chance’ while having video evidence to the contrary.

Perhaps the experiment lies in finding out how many people see beyond the idiotic gloss of the thirty second advert to question the experiment itself. Perhaps we’ve now transcended to another level of existence where we can see through the nonsense in adverts and get straight to their core message. In reality though, this is probably another example of the “let’s hope they don’t notice” culture which is pervasive throughout the advertising community at the moment.
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It’s that time of the year again when music lovers gather in a field to celebrate the thing they love: live music.

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing shit-filled portaloos.

As the sun sneaks out from behind one of his many clouds, the hot weather looks like it may arrive for one of the festivals that kick starts them all. Download is the chance for 75,000 people to gather together and rock out to leather clad men drenched in tattoos and piercings. Sounds like a bit ropey if you ask us.

Download festival means one thing: it’s the only weekend of the year when parents of angry teenagers can drop off their sprogs so they can all share a common love of hating the world together. Of course it may mean forking out over £300 for little Jimmy’s ticket, food supplies, tent, waterproof clothing and suncream but it means mum and dad can have Saturday and Sunday free of Norwegian mega death metal.

For the kids, it will be an opportunity to meet fellow angst ridden emo lovers. This gives the ideal opportunity for everyone to compare their generic star tattoos, lip piercings and why My Chemical Romance means so much to them.

Because the festival attracts a younger audience, expect a quick queue at the bar. Hopefully the Download staff will stick to alcohol laws and won’t serve beer to sixteen year old children. Though we’re sure that some young rascals will get their mucky paws on a few pints of cider and vomit up their £6 gravy and chips.

The Mr Whippy van will have to call in extra supplies of cotton candy to cope with the demand as children look for a sugary high as opposed to the one they’d get when they’d smoke cannabis cut with Oxo cubes.

Think of this festival as a massive childminding event where the entertainment isn’t a Punch and Judy show, but the screaming’s of some pissed up rock band. You’ll be lucky to see a synthesiser. Held over three says, Download offers the best new rock talent and aging crippled artists who won’t go away.

Friday – Go go go!

Kiss – You know that porn film which had Gene Simmons in it? Well boys and girls, this is what he does as a ‘proper’ job. No, he doesn’t paint faces for a living! He rocks out, probably with his cock out.

Rolo Tomassi – We love these young guns from Sheffield. They will surprise you with how loud and crazy they can be.

Friday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Motörhead - They have one song that everyone knows and that’s about it. They’ll only play it at the end of the set to make you wait.

Kid Rock – He’s an American Badass apparently. But we think of him as just an arsehole. Once upon a time he married Pamela Anderson. Go ask him about it, he probably tell you all about it.

Saturday – Go go go!

Ash – They may be cracking at the seams, but they’re always up for a song and a dance. Something which comes with bucket loads of sweat.

Biffy Clyro – Scottish rockers who don’t fall into the trap of being the same thrash metal track thirty-two times over. Ask nicely, and they may sing their version of Rhinna’s umbrella song.

Saturday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Pendulum – For fuck’s sake, are they booked to play at every festival this year? Just like 50 Cent playing Leeds in 2004, Pendulum are Download’s random booking.

The Offspring – Apparently we we’re wrong to label them one hit wonders. After Pretty Fly [For a White Guy] they’ve had more hits. How are they headlining?

Sunday – Go go go!

Lethal Bizzle – The guy’s amazing. His crossover blend of rock/hip-hop/electronica should appear to all. Even My Chemical Romance fans might crack a smile.

Exit Ten – One album done and many more to follow. A band to say you saw before they made it big and sold their souls to Simon Cowell.

Sunday – Avoid The Plague:

Fightstar – Get ready to piss in a bottle and launch it at Charley. The former Busted goon doesn’t really seem to fit in.

Jimmy Eat World – We don’t get them or understand their popularity.