Wikileaks founder Julian Assange probably knows all of your deepest and darkest secrets, but it seems like no one wants to know any of his as his new unauthorised autobiography has failed to set the literary world alight.

Since being released last week “Julian Assange: The Unauthorarised Autobiography,” hasn’t managed to shift more than 1,000 copies.

Assange will undoubtedly blame the poor sales on some bizarre CIA conspiracy plot, instead of accepting the fact that no one really cares about him or his allegedly criminal penis.

According to the publishers of the book, Canongate, the slow sales have meant that despite all the media furore surrounding Assange and this unauthorised biography, the only people who have actually made any money out of it are Julian and his aforementioned, allegedly criminal, penis.

Assange and “little Julian” accepted an advance believed to be in the region of £250,000 from Canongate, which was then spunked away on lawyers to help ensure that Julian and his member were kept from being put behind bars in Sweden, following allegations of rape that were definitely part of one of those US conspiracies that sane and logical people always go on about at dinner parties or street corners, whilst wearing tin foil hats.

Rumours we just made up are abound that Canongate are in the process of asking best selling author Katie Price to knock up another draft whilst she’s between husbands, in the hope that maybe she would add some credibility and interest to the title.

Katie Price could not be reached for comment. Mainly because we can’t stand her.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

MIA has the ability to make us listen to her music without high-profile publicity and glossy product placements.

That said, she still raises the bar when it comes to releasing albums. Whilst most promotional videos are now just full of gimpy-looking blokes shuffling around in oversized clothes and badly miming along to the music, MIA decided to make it a bit more artistic.

Lady Gaga started to bring back the trend for well-produced videos with her overdrawn Telephone promo and MIA followed. If you like a slightly confusing message of what a violent society we live in, then Born Free is the video for you. Despite using the internet to premiere it, MIA still seems a little paranoid about the likes of Google and Facebook. She’s not sick of being invited to Farmville, but more so about a subdivision of the American government nicking our data. The tits.

Once upon a time, the crappy old internet only allowed you to ask someone in a chat room what their a/s/l was. This clearly had many flaws, with many a trickster getting lonely desperate people’s hopes up by replying ’20/female/NYC’. Basically it was a chatroom of men pretending to be women in order to try and get some sort of DIY webcam porn going. Thanks to web 2.0, Chatroulette sifts the wheat from the chaff.

So what’s got in MIA’s bonnet to cause such a paranoid rant? We’re not sure how many conspiracy theories there are in the world, but here’s another one to add to the story about service stations only selling you pies filled with cat food and Godzilla living in a cave on the Isle of Man – apparently, all the governments around the world are connected to Google. Of course, this could be part of some sort of creepy internet relationship way where someone plugged their penis into the USB socket, but MIA doesn’t appear to think so. NME.com reports:

“Governments can shift their search engines so only what they want you to see comes up. I want kids to be aware of this digital circumstance.”

Not that we’re ones to judge, but perhaps MIA had a bit of a bad experience with an internet search. Perhaps she wanted for example throw some sort of party and wanted it to have a zingy lemon theme. Googling those words will of course lead to something, but perhaps not the image or ideas she wanted. Just the other day we Googled ‘Apple Crumble’ without any problems. Looks like that sometimes you win, and in other cases you lose.

But it didn’t stop at Google. MIA added:

“Everyone on the internet is like, ‘Oh my God, come and join Facebook!’ They’re all so optimistic… and really, everyone is fucking you up behind the screens. And I don’t like that. It makes it difficult for me to interact with my fans knowing that. Google and Facebook were developed by the CIA, and when you’re on there, you have to know that.”

Not that we’re suggesting anything but CIA sounds just like MIA. OMG THE TWO COULD BE WORKING TOGETHER IN SOME SORT OF COVERT INVESTIGATION TO FRY OUR BRAINS WORSE THAN ONE OF THOSE MICROWAVABLE BURGERS.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

It’s a wonder Angelina Jolie still has time for movies these days, what with her off saving the world, donating to charity and stealing all the kids from Africa.

But apparently she of the lips fame does have time – not only time, but she also has the inclination to take roles that were initially meant for one Tom Cruise. Not content with stealing all the babies from the birthplace of humanity, it would seem that Angelina Jolie also wants to steal roles from Scientologists.

At least, that’s what it looks like on current evidence.

The long-touted but never actually made Edwin A. Salt is reportedly the film that Jolie will be taking the lead role in, with the title receiving a change as we would all expect. Edwina A. Salt doesn’t sound that good, mind, so hopefully they’ll put more thought into it than we have.

Not only will the title change, but the script itself is being redrafted to accommodate Angelina and her style. Which probably just means there will be more in the way of revealing thigh/cleavage shots than was originally intended – not many more though, as we’re sure the Cruiser wanted to show his rack off just as much as Jolie, but more nonetheless.

There may also be some re-writing for other reasons that we can’t even guess at, but the general story is likely to remain the same: CIA agent accused of being a Russian spy, has to elude capture long enough to establish his/her innocence. Sounds… formulaic. Oh well.

It does seem that Angie keeps on getting everything handed to her these days – from the $14 million for pictures of her tiny fleshbags, through the obviously necessary help and advice of everyone’s favourite knobend Bono and onto the fact that she’ll probably end up getting handed the Catwoman role, should the part ever get cast – the girl seemingly gets everything handed to her on a particularly sexy platter. Now put Tom Cruise‘s job on that list.

The poor tiny man – his wife’s gone and done a runner, for a bit at least, he’s all alone and now he doesn’t even get to be a spy in a film he was supposed to be in for ages. It’s probably affected his thetan levels too, bless his little face. But hecklerspray can’t see Tom Cruise doing anything but a great big smile when he finally gets to show the world how great he is as a one-eyed Nazi.

As for Angelina Jolie, well – she would seem content with popping out sprogs, stealing sprogs from other countries, getting it on with Brad Pitt, forcing our stand-in editor to go on Sky News and talk about them in a thoroughly stupid, ill-informed and embarrassing fashion and taking roles off of possibly mental Scientologists.

Oh, and let’s not forget she’s taking part in an adaptation of Atlas Shrugged, too. But we’re not really qualified to comment on that one in our usual hilarious fashion, as the book is really big and full of words that we can’t be bothered trying to understand. Bloody Objectivism.