Christmas Number One - HecklerSpray

Benton/Fenton Backed By Fearne Cotton For Christmas No.1 (Mass Suicides Planned)

December 9th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

That dog. Haha! It nearly killed a load of deer and everyone laughed. The man. The man he chased the dog. He shouted Benton! Wait. It transpired it was called Fenton. Some people said “See, I always knew it was Fenton” in the world’s crappiest ‘toldyaso‘.

Then the man said ‘Jesus Christ!’ and every single gusset moistened with laughter before, in unison, the whole universe saw a gigantic hole split in its side. Quite simply, this is the funniest thing to happen to us poor creatures since Del Boy fell through a bar.

And now, this wretched meme is going to bother the charts this Christmas and it’s backed by the odious Fearne Cotton. Oh, how the British public love a novelty record. This can’t possibly fail. Basically, do a Carluccio and stick a bread-knife through your heart now. Not convinced? Listen to it over the jump, now.

HecklerPlay: What Will Be Christmas Number One?

August 7th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

Alongside awkwardly snogging a work colleague during the works festive party, Christmas always throws up annual events that throw us off the true meaning of remembering a bloke nailed to a piece of wood.

Forgetting to purchase a turkey means inferior processed lunch slices of the same meat are stapled to a chicken in a poor attempt to fool dinner guests. And everyone's wrapped presents in tinfoil after forgetting wrapping paper.

Another annual festive tradition is the Christmas number one single. In recent years, it has become a slight uphill battle with the X-Factor hype machine almost guaranteeing the winning a spot at number one.

Facebook Versus X-Factor Christmas Number One! The Battle Starts Now!

August 7th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

If you despise pop culture, then Facebook and X-Factor should be depressing you to the extent of rubbing sandpaper across your face. Facebook was once simply a tool used by people to send simple messages, get poked and plan events. Now it seems that groups are started to launch hate vendettas or start a meaningless campaign.

The time has rolled round for the ?social networking? site to pointlessly launch an attack on X-Factor 2010.

Now how can you dislike the X-Factor? Cheryl Cole conveniently contracted womanflu, or as she called it, ?malaria?. We've seen guest judges ahoy with Katy Perry and Louis Hamilton?s girlfriend filling in for Kylie Minogue?s sister and poorly Cheryl.

X Factor V RATM Tediously Bores On

December 16th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

Christmas is a time for buying everyone crap presents at the last minute and screaming at the endless plays of that bloody Slade song.

But over the course of the last four years, novelty records have been replaced by the bland and tedious cover versions from the X Factor winner. This year it was Joe McElderry, who got to record the timeless hit The Climb by, erm, Miley Cyrus.

But not everyone wants to see X Factor collect the coveted Christmas number one. They?d much rather it was by some other funky musician like Cliff Richard or the return of Bob The Builder. Or Killing In The Name by Rage Against The Machine. And, as we speak, it’s on course to beat Toothy Joe. Even though all the swearing will make Baby Jesus cry.

Christmas Number One Betting Odds: Leona, Melua, Middleton

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

The 2007 Christmas number one is just days away from being revealed, and if the anticipation was any higher then it'd probably blow up and kill the bloody lot of us.

Oh, who are we kidding? The Christmas number one is going to be flipping Leon Jackson from X Factor and his special song about believing in fairies or whatever, and that's pretty much guaranteed already. But who'll be the Christmas number one not including that travesty? Now you're interested, huh? Huh? Oh, please yourselves.

Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Malcolm Middleton, Leona Lewis and Katie Melua & Eva Cassidy, with help from Paddy Power…

Christmas Number One Betting Odds: Soulja Boy, Alesha, Sugababes

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

OK, OK, the Christmas number one is going to be that weird Scottish X Factor boy and his horrible Mariah Carey song – but let's forget about that.

Because for the first part of this week we'll be looking at the Christmas number one betting odds not including Sobby X Factor Cry-Boy. With him and his ratty hair and funny teeth out of the way, the Christmas number one betting odds market is wide open – wide open to all the other crummy ballads and shit-awful novelty records that are released at this time of year. And, really, isn't that what Christmas is all about? Isn't it?

Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Soulja Boy, Alesha Dixon and Sugababes…

Christmas Number One Betting Odds: Mariah, Girls Aloud, Shaun The Sheep

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Aside from wondering which of your relatives you'll end up punching over dinner or who actually knocked Mary up instead of God, the biggest annual Christmas mystery is who'll be Christmas number one.

Well, whoever wins X Factor, obviously. The X Factor winner could fart in a metal dustbin and it'd be the Christmas number one these days – but who'll be the 2007 Christmas number one not including the X Factor winner? That's what we're going to spend the first half of this week looking at, and you'd better appreciate it because listening to some of the awful Christmas number one contenders this year has been worse spending a year trapped in a collapsed mine eating our poo for sustenance, and that's a stone-cold fact.

So who'll be Christmas number one this year? Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Shaun The Sheep, Mariah Carey and Girls Aloud, with help from Paddy Power…