Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry!  Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.

So, we’ve all had our run-ins with the ol’ Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven’t we?  O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.

Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.

Here at hecklerspray, in a brand new feature, we hope to eradicate all that shame, and take Twitter back to the haven that it once was when it started all the way back when in 2006, when times were simpler, and Twitter looked like this.

We have taken it upon ourselves, and only us alone, (like that bit in The Matrix where they let Keanu Reeves have some lunch on a bench because he didn’t feel like chatting) to sort out this whole sorry mess, in a mature, selfless and all manner of sexy way, and single handedly try and solve every single  problem one of our HAPPYFACE-challenged celebrity friends have found themselves taking to Twitter for help this week.  Or about five or six or something. Come on.

GLADIATORS READY.

@Christine Bleakley: “How amazing were our celebs tonight. The best bunch ever xx”

Phew.

Hey Christine, welcome to hecklerspray!

Although this isn’t strictly a question, we think we see what you’re trying to say. You feel so overwhelmed by the plight of the celebrity subconscious that you are fearful you won’t live up to your standards. Like those press cars shrieking down that secluded French alley that brutally butchered the Princess of Wales: not with flying bits of metal and internal bleeding: But with curiosity. Yes, we totally understand. We get that too. We just don’t varnish or try and be happy. So, as you were saying, Christine. You’re really worried about dying. Well Christine, no one wants to die. But unfortunately, we all do – but never fear. In these waking moments before the inevitable strikes, we suggest spending time with loved ones, cancelling all your TV contracts if needs be, and just getting the most Christine Bleakley can get out of being Christine Bleakley.

If you’re curious now, we hear freezing to death is actually quite euphoric. Thanks for writing in.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.”

Ah, well that’s very good news, Julian. You clearly appreciate good cosmetics. Not all problems have to be bad. Thanks for checking in.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.“

Oh.

@thekeithchegwin: “What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?”

Hi there Keith.

We don’t know!

@thekeithchegwin: “Half of Essex“

Ah we see. Very amusing.

@SnoopDogg: “wat u on 2day? it’s #puffpuffpasstuesdays!!“

@Dane Bowers: “Why do people always point out miskeyed tweets or misspelling?! So what! Keys are pretty close together people! Bore off!!“

Dear Dane,

Come on, sport. It’s not like you to get all boiled up in such idle pedantry. Just think of what championed wordsmith Hunter S Thompson, or Dane Bowers might say! Oh wait – how embarassing. THAT’S YOU! Just remember, it’s important to keep face (Especially your lovely one with all that Dane Bowers molecular structure all over it. Phwoar.) at times like this. So somebody ‘miskeyed’. Big whoop. We’re sure even Queen Elizabeth or Stevie Wonder did once too.  Just remember, you always will be the one who wrote ‘Shut Up And Forget About It’ in 2009, Dane. That will never not be you.

“Hope your silicone bursts
You’ll never get signed
But I feel sorry for you
‘Cause your baby is blind”

@MissAmyChilds: “Really random bit I must be the only person that doesn’t like nandos x”

Hi Amy,

We have to say we were rather moved by this. It’s not every day you get a celebrity quite as upbeat and up for a laugh as yourself on Twitter these days. And considering you look mid-arterial embolism 80% of the time, it makes what you have had the guts to tell us here even more admirable.

So, feeling left out from the pack. Amy, this is unfortunately commonplace, especially for a girl with your particular choice of zany hue for a hair colour. First and foremost, the thing to know is this: It’s not your fault. Nandos does serve, admittedly, quite a lot of chicken. And hey, not everyone likes chicken. The key thing to remember is this does not make you a freakish bog-eyed ITV2 psychopath. It does not. Far from it. As for those people who say that all neutral flavoured things transgress back to tasting like chicken? Nought but lonely young boys with eating disorders whom’s nerves have been deadened by the lack of a motherly touch, pretending the air surrounding Robin Williams is actual food. So we’d say you have the edge on them at least, Amy.

@Only1AlexReid: “Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak”

Sorry Alex, we’re just not emotionally stable enough to deal with this right now.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.”

Oh GOD FINE. We’ll deal with the Alex Reid thing.

@Only1AlexReid: “Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak”

Dear Alex,

All of that is amazing and we know it must be hard having a baby with Chantelle Houghton. Especially with Beyonce and Jay Z copying your exact idea and then writing cruel songs about how Beyonce can’t have a miscarriage because she’s magic. As for all of the other things you mentioned. Well it’s fairly easy to decipher.

WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORGSIJSOISJPSOIKSO

Christ…

And there you have it, another week of celebrity mishaps all cleaned up. If you come across any lost souls, collecting their jars of hearts, tearing their love apart because they’re going to catch a cold from the ice inside their soul, then please do not hesitate to email in or leave a comment, and you could be saving a life too. Such as Michael Barrymore and his constant conquest to get in touch with Dara O’Briain. And remember, Dr Heckle is only licensed to deal with menial problems such as these. For emotional health and race hate, go to Dear Deidre.

Goodnight!

In the world of hecklerspray, there are very few British celebrities who are worth discussing in any great detail but every so often the opportunity comes up to take the piss out of a ‘celebrity’ who is so noticeably smug that he makes Jools Holland look like Rosa Parks. However, when such an opportunity arises we have to grab it with both hands and tighten our vice-like grip around the throat of said smug celebrity whose face looks like a deflating whoopee cushion.

We’re referring of course to Adrian Chiles but you’d probably already realised that from the picture which is placed next to all the articles. Regardless, we wanted to build up to him in order to replicate that feeling of complete dread that one feels in the moments leading up to Chiles’ face appearing on the television screen. The moments where palms start sweating, teeth start grinding and you realise that if you want to watch the football then you have to put up with his over-paid, self-satisfied face forcing banter with Gareth Southgate, a man so beige that he looks like he was spawned by peeling himself off a nicotine-stained wall.

However, it is Chiles’ work on Daybreak which is notorious for scaring people into vomiting into their Frosties. A (probably fictional) ITV insider, speaking to the Daily Mirror;

“But research is suggesting that ‘Daybreak’ is now damaging the station’s entire daytime schedule. That simply won’t be tolerated. We don’t want these figures to have a knock-on effect, so there are still big changes that need to be made.”

Not only is Daybreak damaging an already reprehensible ITV schedule, it also has the honour of having found a way to be worse than GMTV with its audience finding it lacking in identity and any editorial merit.

We say “its audience”; the 800,000 people who watch Daybreak everyday. When you consider the fact that there are around 60 million people in the UK, that’s not a lot. Of course, it would be wrong of us not to do some maths and work out why more people aren’t watching Adrian “Nobody Actually Watched Working Lunch” Chiles prattle his way through an interview with a furious raccoon-handler who had their benefits cut by the council… or something.

Now. Maths. Bear with us. There’s a graph too.

There are around 60 million people in the UK. 3% of whom do not own a television. That’s 1.8 million people in the UK who do not have access to a television. If you assume that only around 70% of those people with televisions have TV licenses (and we all know that you can’t watch TV without one… obviously) then that leaves around 40 million people who have both television and television licenses and therefore have access to drivel like Daybreak early in the morning.

Okay. It’s not finished yet. Sorry. The current unemployment rate in the UK sits at around 8% of the labour force (or, for the ease of simple maths which has no bearing on anything, the population). It is safe to assume that people who are unemployed are only up in time to watch Jeremy Kyle, which starts after Daybreak. Their removal from the equation leaves around 36 million people who have the ability and inclination to watch Daybreak.

This is where the cohesiveness of the theory begins to break down quite rapidly, much like Creationism which- ironically- Adrian Chiles is a perfect argument against. BBC Breakfast (during GMTV’s run) shaved the ratings getting around 1.3 million viewers compared to GMTV’s 1.2 million. Assuming most of them have gone to other channels, that’s around another 2 million people you can shave off the backs of Chiles’ hands.

The assumption that a good 60% of the British public cannot stand the sight of Adrian Chiles in any capacity, let alone in the morning when they’re feeling hungover and regretful, is a fair one and a further 5% that have difficulty understanding why Christine Bleakley is willing to work with him takes out 65% of that 34 million.

That only leaves around 12 million people, 50% of whom probably don’t mind Adrian Chiles but have better things to do in the morning than have a man from Birmingham witter inane shite at them. 6 million left.

Then we have to take into account the 70% of people who either don’t work a 9-5 or don’t have time to watch television in the morning. It’s coming down every time. Here’s a graph:

We’re beginning to see the trend. There are more factors to explain the decline of Daybreak’s viewers as, we imagine, much of their audience has simply left the television on by accident or can’t be bothered to get up to look for the remote and are stuck watching a double act of Skeletor and a pile of rancid mashed potato who is ironically far better suited to the simplification of mathematics through its work on that business programme than we are.

ITV seem to believe that their only option to save the ailing ratings of its flagship morning show is to jettison Chiles like a particularly belligerent crap from a train toilet and, as you can see from our irrefutable mathematical proof, it might well be.

Of course, there is a far simpler explanation for the downfall of Daybreak actually. It’s awful, Chiles is awful, Bleakley is awful, their rapport is awful, the amount of money that they make is obscene and, as a concept, the show is completely flawed. They would be better served showing a programme where Chris Eubank is chased around on a tricycle by circus performers on stilts. We’d watch that. We’ll never watch Daybreak.

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Frank Lampard has returned triumphant from the global Kicking A Football 50 Feet Above A Crossbar Again And Again competition.

Truly, the man has a gift. And this victory – combined with his new world record for the most amount of times that anyone has ever shuffled around aimlessly before hoofing the ball into outer space regardless of how close to he is goal or which direction he’s facing – means that Frank Lampard wants to celebrate. And, if reports are to be believed, he’s celebrated by getting engaged to Christine Bleakley from The One Show.

By which we mean Christine Bleakley from GMTV. By which we mean Christine Bleakley from such horrific working hours that sleep deprivation will visibly age her by several decades before Christmas. Congratulations, Frank!

Frank Lampard shouldn’t be getting engaged now. After all, don’t you read the newspapers? One of them lashed out at Emile Heskey for smiling within 24 hours of England’s World Cup defeat on Sunday. It seems fairly clear that the entire England squad should be locked in a dungeon and anally violated with shards of dirty toilets for the rest of their lives, because that’s the only fitting punishment for them not winning a solitary football match that nobody expected them to win anyway. Displaying signs of personal happiness? At a time like this? The bastards.

Actually, maybe that’s why Frank Lampard is rumoured to have got engaged to Christine Bleakley. It’s not because it would make him happy. It’s because spending the rest of his life legally bonded to the borderline-unbearable presenter of several unwatchably bad TV shows and putting up with her constant unpleasant professional ambition is his way of atoning for his World Cup mistakes.

That’s if Frank Lampard is engaged to Christine Bleakley, of course. He might not be. The Sun reports:

Christine Bleakley sparked speculation she is engaged to Frank Lampard today – by leaving his house wearing a ring on her wedding finger.  And the 31-year-old held up her left hand as she passed waiting photographers… But her spokesman denied they were going to tie the knot – and claimed she’d simply worn her ring on the wrong finger.

We’re torn. Either Frank Lampard and Christine Bleakley are engaged, or Frank Lampard and Christine Bleakley aren’t engaged and Christine Bleakley is an idiot. Both seem feasible.

But let’s just assume that they are engaged. God knows we need another Cheryl and Ashley Cole. By which we mean we need another hilarious football divorce to point and laugh at. Fingers crossed, everyone.

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It’s week two of our hunt to find Fern Britton’s This Morning replacement. Week two, for crying out loud. What are we thinking?

You know, we think we’re wasting our time here. This Morning doesn’t need to replace Fern Britton at all. What This Morning needs to do is bring back Fred Talbot, knock up a scale model of the British isles and let him leap around it describing the weather. That’s when This Morning went south, not when Cackly McLardypants resigned. Oh, why won’t anyone listen to us?

Anyway, here’s the This Morning rundown for Christine Bleakley…

Christine Bleakley – On paper, Christine Bleakley looks like the perfect candidate to be Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning. She’s smiley, young, pretty, able to think on her feet and well-versed in peculiar live TV shows where you’re forced to lurch between fluffy items about kittens and depressing items about home repossession without any discernible buffer. But it doesn’t matter how much ITV offer her, Christine Bleakely won’t take the job at This Morning. And here’s why – there’s no Adrian Chiles. Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley share a love so deep, so pure, so – yes – perfect that they can never be separated, not even for a second. Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley are soulmates, and that’s why neither will ever leave The One Show. They’re definitely not doing it, though. Definitely.

Tomorrow: Someone else!

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Strictly Come Dancing is going down to the wire now, and only the best dancers can survive. Christine Bleakley, for those of you who have joined the party late, wasn’t one of the best dancers.

Some will blame Christine’s lack of technical ability for her Strictly Come Dancing exit last night. Some will blame the frightening Meatloaf haircut she sported during her first dance of the night. Us? We’re pinning Christine’s failure solely on the fact that she hired Felicity Kendal as an acting coach this week. Felicity blinking Kendal. Oh, if only her dances were about short muddy women from the 1970s, yesterday’s result could have been so very different.

But still, Christine Bleakley is out of Strictly Come Dancing, so who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

Rachel Stevens – Good news everyone! A week ago on Strictly Come Dancing, Rachel Stevens got a perfect score! Hooray! That means she’d finally get to pack in all the sobbing and wailing and crap for a change, right? Right? Well, um, no. Instead, Rachel Stevens managed to beat the odds and cry even more than ever, because she was happy about getting a perfect score. So that’s happiness and sadness that Rachel Stevens responds to by weeping like a tossbucket – in fact, we’re starting to think that the only emotion that doesn’t inspire floods and floods of tears from Rachel is mild wonder. Our point? That Rachel Stevens is an idiot.

But back to Strictly Come Dancing. On Saturday Rachel Stevens danced a waltz, which was boring because it was a waltz. She’s clearly put some effort in – making sure that even in her conservative dress she had her back out and a giant cleavage dangling off her front, and realising that closing your eyes and sighing during a dance makes the Strictly Come Dancing judges double their scores, but it was boring. Rachel’s second Strictly Come Dancing routine was a Paso Doble, which mainly tended to involve Rachel Stevens standing around looking a bit bored while her Italian midget partner flapped a cape around like he was trying to put out a burning puppy. Oh, and she almost fell over. But what she lost in technique she gained in fleshcount – her outfit showed off her gut, tits, legs and probably her bumhole too if there weren’t laws against that sort of thing. Total Strictly Come Dancing Score – 71

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

Strictly Come Dancing is just a few weeks from being over, so let’s celebrate that with some Strictly Come Dancing recaps.

As well as chucking out Jodie Kidd, Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing also marked the last dance by John Sergeant after his controversial resignation last week. And, if anything, it only strengthened our crush on his dance partner Kristina Rihanoff. After all, who doesn’t love a girl who can’t even go three poxy seconds without breaking down in tears like some sort of monstrous goon? Sexy.

So here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley…

Christine Bleakley – Not a good Strictly Come Dancing for Christine Bleakley on Saturday. Her Cha Cha Cha to I Like It Like That got the lowest score of the night and was lambasted by the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who called it “disappointing, very wooden, sticky. You need to turn your feet out more. On a brighter note, some wonderful finishes that saved a little of it,” even though Christine did totally the right thing and dressed up like a filthy French whore for the dance because Rachel Stevens did the same thing a week before and got a massive score. In a way, though, we can see why Christine Bleakley got such a low score. Not because her routine was so stilted and and almost pantomime in its overt sexuality that at times she looked like a post-op transsexual on her first day as an end of their pier magician’s assistant in Blackpool, but because to train for the dance Christine Bleakley visited a primary school and one of the children actually told her “You should shoot for the stars and go for the glory.” We believe that Christine Bleakley’s Strictly Come Dancing score was docked because she didn’t instantly kick the kid in the face which, as we all know, is the only way to treat smarmy stageschool brats. Remember that for next week, Christine. Kick them in the face. Strictly Come Dancing Score – 27

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers.

It’s time for another edition of the hecklerspray recap for Strictly Come Dancing or, as we like to call it, Four Exasperated Judges.

Watching John Sergeant get through to next week’s Strictly Come Dancing yet again was an absolute joy. Not because we particularly enjoy watching John Sergeant dance, nor because we like deliberately ruining the credibility of reality TV shows, but because watching Bruce Forsyth dodder around murmuring “We have a situation” like an anxious string puppet afterwards was perhaps the greatest thing we’ve ever seen.

Anyway, here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley and Austin Healey…

Christine Bleakley – Over the last few weeks on Strictly Come Dancing, Christine Bleakley has been restoring some of her early promise, and now we know why – it’s because all of Northern Ireland is behind her. Literally all of it. History will remember this well – terrorism, armed occupation and endless political negotiation couldn’t unite the country, but a lanky girl twatting around in a sparkly dress can. But before we suggest that airdropping Alesha Dixon into Palestine to put an end to the problems in the Middle East, we should probably mention Christine’s Strictly Come Dancing waltz to See The Day. It was drab. Drab and featureless. Drab and featureless and, um, the Strictly Come Dancing judges really enjoyed it, calling it “A big song, a big dance and without a doubt your best yet.” Although we should point out that this was because so little happened in the routine that she had less to screw up. But, hey, you know the pattern – a good Christine Bleakley performance one week equals three weeks of cocky and complacent routines coming up. So look forward to those. Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Austin Healey – After wrecking his Rumba last week, Austin Healey had a twofold plan to stride back to Strictly Come Dancing victory on Saturday. Firstly he chose to dance a Tango to Libertango, which allowed him to glower at his partner with simmering hatred instead of the gloopy romance of the previous week. Secondly Austin Healey decided to grow a little goatee for the dance, which made him look identical to Toadfish from Neighbours. We’re not really sure what the relevance of that was, to be honest with you, but he did. And, leaving aside the confusing training session at a primary school – which almost doubled up as a special class about mummy-daddy domestic violence – the routine was actually very polished. One of the Strictly Come Dancing judges called it “Aggressive, passionate, driven. You told the story, you looked like you were in absolute complete control.” That’s right – Austin told the story, and that story just happened to be a tale about a cocky little sod with a bit of a Napoleon complex. We can’t think how he got into that particular role. Strictly Come Dancing score – 38

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens.

Can’t remember what happened in the third quarter of last Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing? Good job we’re here, then.

This whole Strictly Come Dancing kerfuffle about John Sergeant hasn’t died down any yet, has it? Now John has claimed that the Strictly Come Dancing judges should all resign if they don’t like the way the public keeps voting him through. Honestly, this better end up with actual punches being thrown on Saturday’s show or we’ll refuse to pay our license fee any more.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens…

Christine Bleakley - After the Strictly Come Dancing judges criticised her legwork in last week’s show and suggested that she spent a day at a ballet school, Christine Bleakley did just that in training for her Jive to Jailhouse Rock on Saturday. And, as such, we’ll happily give £50 to the first Strictly Come Dancing judge who suggests that Christine Bleakley’s routines will be improved if she starts appearing in pornography. Anyway, the ballet seemed to do the trick for Christine because her Jive was zippy and precise and kicky and so much fun that she started shrieking like an entire hen-night party at 2am as soon as she’d finished. The Strictly Come Dancing judges were full of praise for her too, adding “I’m thrilled you went to a ballet class this week, and it made a difference. A phenomenal improvement!” What’s more, Christine did the jive dressed as Big Bird from Sesame Street, and that has to be worth something. Strictly Come Dancing score – 31

Rachel Stevens – To practise for her American Smooth to I Got A Woman – and to slightly placate Len Goodman‘s thundering rage towards her – Rachel Stevens went to the set of the Dirty Dancing musical to learn the art of eye contact in training for Saturday. Did it work? No. No it didn’t. Rachel’s routine was almost the precise opposite of romantic – although technically good, it lacked so much personality that it may as well have been performed by a goat in a top hat. Worst of all, to show off that they’d really grasped this ‘eye contact’ thing, Rachel Stevens and her partner literally stopped their performance in the middle and literally just looked at each other for a bit. But, hey, what do we know? After all, the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to enjoy it enough, telling Rachel that “it was Fred and Ginger for me tonight, so elaborate and demanding… you did that effortlessly.” Stupid Strictly Come Dancing judges with their stupid professional knowledge. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Lisa Snowdon.

Time for our last Strictly Come Dancing recap of the week – but don’t be sad, because we’ll be back next week. And the week after. And the week after that. Forever, basically.

This Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing should prove to be an exciting one, because it seems as if all the dancers will be performing whatever dances they like again. We hear that Tom Chambers is doing a Quickstep, Cherie Lunghi‘s dancing a Waltz and John Sergeant is going to do the exact same dance as always and still get through anyway because of his lovely big fat face.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens…

Christine Bleakley – On last week’s Strictly Come Dancing, Christine Bleakley received a three from one of the judges, which more or less made her react as if her entire family had been mown down by a runaway combine harvester. Needless to say, this knocked her confidence ahead of Saturday’s American Smooth to Singin’ In The Rain, a routine she performed while pulling a face like the girl who dies at the beginning of The Ring. Apparently Christine’s main problem was her legs, which weren’t as pointy as the Strictly Come Dancing judges wanted, and they told her “The top half was Hollywood – the bottom half was dead wood.” Thankfully, Christine got a higher score than she did in the previous week’s show. We’re relieved about that because if it was any worse, we assume that she’d be dancing around in a puddle of her own urine next week. Strictly Come Dancing score – 29

Rachel Stevens – It must be great being Rachel Stevens. She’s all energy and smiles, and we think that’s because she’s never been troubled by anything as complicated as a thought. This was demonstrated on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing when, as is becoming the norm for her, Rachel danced a Jive to Sweet Soul Music that was superficially very good but lacked any kind of personality whatsoever. Not even the sight of Rachel Stevens slapping her boobies around in her partner’s face could liven things up any, which is a sentence we never thought we’d see ourselves type. By and large, though, the Strictly Come Dancing judges appeared to enjoy the routine, saying things like “welcome back Rachel, the firecracker! You were selling it – tonight you ignited!” but Rachel really needs to hire an acting coach. But not her blonde ex-bandmate from S Club 7, though, unless she wants the only emotion she has to convey to be ‘looking unconvincingly nervous about CGI dinosaurs’. Although that would admittedly be a step up. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Next week: This again.

Time for another batch of Strictly Come Dancing recaps, although frankly our heart isn’t in it now that Mark Foster’s gone.

Now that Mark’s no longer part of Strictly Come Dancing, who else is going to take their top off without any prompting? Nobody, that’s who. And believe us, we’ve tried to convince the other Strictly Come Dancing contestants to do it, but they won’t. Well, not all of them. John Sergeant. John Sergeant won’t take his top off for us.

Anyway, here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley, Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi…

Christine Bleakley – Christine Bleakley can be mainly characterised by two quirks – her sunny personality and the almost-transvestitey way in which she applies make-up. For her Strictly Come Dancing Paso Doble to Fighter on Saturday, the first one was going to the main problem – the Paso Doble is a mean, aggressive dance and Christine is roughly as mean and aggressive as a kitten in a pair of bunny ears. That came across during her dance because, even though she adopted a brand new persona for the routine, it appeared to be the persona of peeved-looking vapid cadaver who couldn’t dance particularly well. The Strictly Come Dancing judges picked up on this too, saying “it looked more like a domestic with you as Madonna and a bored looking Guy Ritchie.” Which seemed a little unfair to us, because Christine Bleakley is nothing like Madonna – her arms are normal for a start, and she doesn’t seem like she has a weird preoccupation with her own vagina. She might, but it doesn’t seem like she has. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Austin Healey – The worst thing about writing these recaps is when someone’s actually good. There are only so many ways to say that someone came out, did a more or less professional job and got an incredibly high mark for it. That’s the predicament we find ourselves in with Austin Healey, who pretty much aces Strictly Come Dancing every time he tries a new dance. Case in point – his Viennese Waltz to Send In The Clowns that was graceful and poignant and infuriatingly not rubbish at all. Even the Strictly Come Dancing judges went overboard with it, saying “I loved it. Ooooh, gorgeous!” Yes, there were four ‘o’s in that ooooh. That’s how gorgeous it was. But, look, this is all well and good, but can’t Austin fall on his arse this Saturday? Just once? Just for us? Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Cherie Lunghi - Watching Strictly Come Dancing, it’s sometimes easy to forget that Cherie Lunghi will be old enough to retire in the next few years. Thanks to her grace, elegance and willingness to show the world what her undercrackers look like, Cherie often seems like a much younger woman. So thank heavens above when, during her Strictly Come Dancing Paso Doble to Amparito, Cherie Lunghi finally decided to act like a woman her age. Specifically, a woman her age who just tried to jump off a moving bus – right at the start of her routine Cherie staggered around to the extent that she almost ended up falling on her arse. As a result, the rest of her performance was shaky and unconvincing and the Strictly Come Dancing judges pulled her to pieces for it, saying “I just wish you could do all that again with fire in your belly. You just lost your courage this week.” And then they gave her one of the highest scores of the night, the weirdos. Strictly Come Dancing score – 31

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Heather Small and Tom Chambers.

How great it is that the male and female celebrities can now all dance during the same episode of Strictly Come Dancing.

It’s wonderful. Not only does it mean that we get to form a clear picture of what the all the dancers are like in comparison with one another, but it also means that we don’t have to put up with any more Strictly Come Dancing group dances. Because, honestly, we’ve seen more coordination in a washing machine full of hamsters.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Andrew Castle, Christine Bleakley and Jodie Kidd…

Andrew Castle - The thing about Andrew Castle is that his dance partner is so unstoppably booby that he’s bound to get through to the latter stages of Strictly Come Dancing. He’d have to do something really stupid for that not to happen. Something unbelievably stupid, like almost dropping his dance partner on the head or something. Which, funnily enough, is what Andrew Castle actually did on Saturday night’s Strictly Come Dancing – his American Smooth to You Know I’m No Good was just bewilderingly bad. That was mostly for the usual reasons – it was all raggedy and clumsy and Andrew Castle’s attempt at a smooth face is pretty much everyone else’s definition of a jail-rape face – but at the end, Andrew tried to pick his partner up, failed, and came thrillingly close to dropping her right on her nose. It could have been punishment for her relentless screeching at him during training, but either way the Strictly Come Dancing judges weren’t impressed in the slightest, saying that it was “More dazed and confused than American Smooth.” First headbanging and now a near drop? Next week’s bound to be awesome – we hear that Andrew Castle’s actually going to go on a stabbing rampage. Strictly Come Dancing score – 17

Christine Bleakley – Christine Bleakley probably works harder than any of the other Strictly Come Dancing contestants, because she trains all day and then has to go and present The One Show every evening. And, by God, we know that if we had to discuss cloud formations with Giles Brandreth every night we’d hardly have the get up and go to do anything but sob about the state of our life. But Christine’s heavy workload hasn’t had too much of an effect on her Strictly Come Dancing performances yet, despite moments of her Samba to Baila Baila Conmigo. Her partner was literally dancing at twice the speed she was, for example, and Christine was ginning so much that she looked like she had a handful of love-eggs stuffed up her chuff. But none of that affected her Strictly Come Dancing score, with the judges telling her that “Your smile lights up the floor, you make everybody want to get up and join in, and that’s a Samba!” But, hey, if you can smile sitting next to Adrien Chiles every day, you can smile at anything. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Jodie Kidd – During her previous go at Strictly Come Dancing, Jodie Kidd attempted to be sexy and failed to such an extent that most men would probably be able to bring themselves to completion thinking about the little girl from the ‘If you hit me at 40mph’ advert. But that all changed on Saturday when, despite being in possession of more square footage of limb than most people have in their entire street, Jodie Kidd managed to pull off a surprisingly elegant American Smooth to Witchcraft. It looked a lot more effortless and, for the first time maybe ever, we could understand why Jodie Kidd got paid to be a model. Of course, ballroom dancing should be exactly her thing, since she’s such a bloody rah rah posho-type, but the Strictly Come Dancing judges were effusive with their praise anyway, saying “That was absolutely your best dance.” The bloody posho. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Mark Chambers.

Jessie Wallace has become the latest celebrity to be voted off Strictly Come Dancing because, well, because she was a bit poo.

Jessie Wallace’s Strictly Come Dancing Quickstep to Help was so toe-curlingly tryhard that it was less of a dance and more of a painful retelling of the third act of A Doll’s House. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she had a great big weepy tantrum about it afterwards that left her face looking like either an orange panda or an expressionist painting of a rotted tangerine.We can’t decide which.

But now Jessie Wallace is out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Christine Bleakley and Jodie Kidd…

Christine Bleakley – The worst thing you can be on Strictly Come Dancing is confident, because chances are it’ll come back and smack you in the face in the from of the squishy Scouse judge screeching bad alliterative insults at you, and that’s what happened to Christine Bleakley on Saturday. She spent the entire week leading up to Saturday’s Quickstep to She’s So Lovely bouncing around all full of herself like Scrappy Doo, only to end up sort of buggering it up. True, it was perky and cheeky and everything, but all her enthusiasm took away from her poise and precision, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that she “didn’t quite have quite the sparkle” that everyone wanted. Having said that, it’s abundantly clear that Christine Bleakley fancies her Strictly Come Dancing partner like mad – so at least it’ll set up a furious man-on-man topless fistfight between him and Adrian Chiles, which is something. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

Jodie Kidd – On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Jodie Kidd decided to go for a Rumba to I Just Can’t Stop Loving You. That’d be good, except for the twin facts that a) Rumbas are sexy dances and b) Jodie Kidd is roughly as sexy as a bucket of offal. That meant that her Strictly Come Dancing routine this weekend was a textbook example of wild overcompensation. Jodie wasn’t so much ‘sexy’ as ‘pissed-up streetwhore’ and that sort of shone through. Our calculations show that, of their whole 90 second routine, Jodie and her partner spent approximately 65 seconds rubbing each other’s faces in a hamfisted approximation of lust, 10 seconds putting everyone off their tea by kissing each other and the remaining 15 seconds just sort of standing around doing the air lasso. The Strictly Come Dancing judges picked up on this, calling the routine “almost pornographic” although, to be fair, they were actually referring to Jodie’s partner’s obscene man-cleavage. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Tomorrow - Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Heather Small and Cherie Lunghi.

Last night, the Strictly Come Dancing ladies had their first chance to convince the public that they weren’t cack, and Gillian Taylforth failed.

According to one of the Strictly Come Dancing judges, the thing that left Gillian Taylforth down the most was all her ‘gapping’ – a term so obscene sounding it almost made us bring our tea back up. But we shouldn’t get too downhearted – at least the Strictly Come Dancing dance-off wasn’t between Gillian and Jessie Wallace. That would have been like watching a spangly version of Jeremy Kyle, and nobody needs that.

Anyway, with Gillian Taylforth gone, who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s our recap of the girls, starting with Jessie Wallace and Christine Bleakley…

Jessie Wallace - Believe what you read and Jessie Wallace is the troublemaker of this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. Apparently she hates everyone else in the competition because they’re either younger than her, prettier than her, better dancers than her or don’t have a voice that sounds like shrieking fox intercourse. Anyway, on Saturday Jessie Wallace had her chance to put all the rumours behind her with her first Strictly Come Dancing performance. Since Jessie is basically the living embodiment of a pikey salsa night at a shit nightclub, it was only natural that she did a Salsa. So she did, and even dressed up like a transvestite’s curtain for it, too. But that didn’t help the fact that Jessie Wallace ended up jerking around like she was being possessed by a hyperactive tapeworm for the entire 90 seconds. Which apparently wasn’t what the Strictly Come Dancing judges were looking for, weirdly. Bottom of the class and lucky to survive. Strictly Come Dancing score – 20

Christine Bleakley – Although Christine Bleakley didn’t introduce herself to the Strictly Come Dancing audience as ‘the woman best known for possibly but probably not having it off with Adrian Chiles‘, but that’s what she actually is. Anyway, can Christine Bleakley dance? Oh, God knows. For all her yammering about being nervous ahead of Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, her Foxtrot to The Way You Look Tonight seemed like it was sort of OK, but to be honest we were a bit distracted by her partner, who kept pulling these weird faces like he was trying to swallow a cloud. It was graceful, we suppose, but a bit dull. So, needless to say, the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved it. Strictly Come Dancing score – 27

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap continues, with our take on Lisa Snowdon.