Christine Bleakley - HecklerSpray

Dr Heckler Says: Our Celeb Pals Get Sad On Twitter, We Say All the Right Things.

August 7th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry! ?Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.

So, we've all had our run-ins with the ol? Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven't we? ?O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.

Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.

Smug Plasticine Man Faces Axe From Awful Morning Show

April 21st, 2011 By Michael Park

In the world of hecklerspray, there are very few British celebrities who are worth discussing in any great detail but every so often the opportunity comes up to take the piss out of a ‘celebrity’ who is so?noticeably smug that he makes Jools Holland look like Rosa Parks. However, when such an opportunity arises we have to grab it with both hands and tighten our vice-like grip around the throat of said smug celebrity whose face looks like a deflating whoopee cushion.

We’re referring of course to Adrian Chiles but you’d probably already realised that from the picture which is placed next to all the articles. Regardless, we wanted to build up to him in order to replicate that feeling of complete dread that one feels in the moments leading up to Chiles’ face appearing on the television screen. The moments where palms start sweating, teeth start grinding and you realise that if you want to watch the football then you have to put up with his over-paid, self-satisfied face forcing banter with Gareth Southgate, a man so beige that he looks like he was spawned by peeling himself off a nicotine-stained wall.

Frank Lampard & Christine Bleakley Engaged? Does It Matter?

June 30th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Frank Lampard has returned triumphant from the global Kicking A Football 50 Feet Above A Crossbar Again And Again competition.

Truly, the man has a gift. And this victory – combined with his new world record for the most amount of times that anyone has ever shuffled around aimlessly before hoofing the ball into outer space regardless of how close to he is goal or which direction he’s facing – means that Frank Lampard wants to celebrate. And, if reports are to be believed, he’s celebrated by getting engaged to Christine Bleakley from The One Show.

By which we mean Christine Bleakley from GMTV. By which we mean Christine Bleakley from such horrific working hours that sleep deprivation will visibly age her by several decades before Christmas. Congratulations, Frank!

New This Morning Host: Christine Bleakley?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

It’s week two of our hunt to find Fern Britton’s This Morning replacement. Week two, for crying out loud. What are we thinking?

You know, we think we’re wasting our time here. This Morning doesn’t need to replace Fern Britton at all. What This Morning needs to do is bring back Fred Talbot, knock up a scale model of the British isles and let him leap around it describing the weather. That’s when This Morning went south, not when Cackly McLardypants resigned. Oh, why won’t anyone listen to us?

Anyway, here’s the This Morning rundown for Christine Bleakley…

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley Mooches Off

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Strictly Come Dancing is going down to the wire now, and only the best dancers can survive. Christine Bleakley, for those of you who have joined the party late, wasn’t one of the best dancers.

Some will blame Christine’s lack of technical ability for her Strictly Come Dancing exit last night. Some will blame the frightening Meatloaf haircut she sported during her first dance of the night. Us? We’re pinning Christine’s failure solely on the fact that she hired Felicity Kendal as an acting coach this week. Felicity blinking Kendal. Oh, if only her dances were about short muddy women from the 1970s, yesterday’s result could have been so very different.

But still, Christine Bleakley is out of Strictly Come Dancing, so who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Strictly Come Dancing is just a few weeks from being over, so let’s celebrate that with some Strictly Come Dancing recaps.

As well as chucking out Jodie Kidd, Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing also marked the last dance by John Sergeant after his controversial resignation last week. And, if anything, it only strengthened our crush on his dance partner Kristina Rihanoff. After all, who doesn’t love a girl who can’t even go three poxy seconds without breaking down in tears like some sort of monstrous goon? Sexy.

So here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley…

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley & Austin Healey

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s time for another edition of the hecklerspray recap for Strictly Come Dancing or, as we like to call it, Four Exasperated Judges.

Watching John Sergeant get through to next week’s Strictly Come Dancing yet again was an absolute joy. Not because we particularly enjoy watching John Sergeant dance, nor because we like deliberately ruining the credibility of reality TV shows, but because watching Bruce Forsyth dodder around murmuring “We have a situation” like an anxious string puppet afterwards was perhaps the greatest thing we’ve ever seen.

Anyway, here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley and Austin Healey…

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley & Rachel Stevens

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Can’t remember what happened in the third quarter of last Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing? Good job we’re here, then.

This whole Strictly Come Dancing kerfuffle about John Sergeant hasn’t died down any yet, has it? Now John has claimed that the Strictly Come Dancing judges should all resign if they don’t like the way the public keeps voting him through. Honestly, this better end up with actual punches being thrown on Saturday’s show or we’ll refuse to pay our license fee any more.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens…

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley & Rachel Stevens

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Time for our last Strictly Come Dancing recap of the week – but don’t be sad, because we’ll be back next week. And the week after. And the week after that. Forever, basically.

This Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing should prove to be an exciting one, because it seems as if all the dancers will be performing whatever dances they like again. We hear that Tom Chambers is doing a Quickstep, Cherie Lunghi‘s dancing a Waltz and John Sergeant is going to do the exact same dance as always and still get through anyway because of his lovely big fat face.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens…

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine, Austin, Cherie

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Time for another batch of Strictly Come Dancing recaps, although frankly our heart isn’t in it now that Mark Foster’s gone.

Now that Mark’s no longer part of Strictly Come Dancing, who else is going to take their top off without any prompting? Nobody, that’s who. And believe us, we’ve tried to convince the other Strictly Come Dancing contestants to do it, but they won’t. Well, not all of them. John Sergeant. John Sergeant won’t take his top off for us.

Anyway, here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley, Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi…