One of these days, Kristen Stewart will pull a convincing smile. One of these days, Robert Pattinson will pull a convincing face. Seriously, he’s *that close* to showing a sign of expression. We all keenly await it like people staring at someone due out of a coma.

Well, the pair of them may have privately nearly pulled expressions as it seems they have gone through that most painful of experiences – which we’re poking fun at because we’re heartless fools – a break-up.

That’s right masturbating fantasists! You can now imagine marrying one of these people in some shivering, glittery fleshed union as they are now on the market after Kristen Stewart totally dumped Robert Pattinson’s arse on the kerb.

It is reported that this crushingly dull couple spend most of their time apart and have become intensely bored of each other. After working with each other in numerous films and living together, it seems familiarity has ushered in contempt for each other.

Sadly, not the kind of contempt Charlie Sheen shows for furniture, but rather, the kind of contempt that sees them both stood motionlessly in rooms, just glaring at each other. Kristen probably walked out on Pattinson who didn’t realise he was now living alone for a good fortnight, so little was the difference.

Likewise, Kristen Stewart has spent the best part of the week trying to remember who it was she dumped.

So non-eventful was their relationship, the pair will no doubt be able to continue as friends and co-workers because, even when pressed, they really won’t even remember seeing each other naked or sharing a slowly chewed meal together.

So there you have it. The most sought after adult is on the market again, aimlessly wandering around the world with barely an expression on his face, waving idly at anything that screams at him.

Just as God intended, obviously.

Pattinson stars in something or other due out some time in the future or whatever it was we reported on a while ago.

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Fans of Robert Pattinson need no encouragement when it comes to sighing wistfully about ol’ mono-chops. They certainly don’t need anyone to provoke them into furious bouts of masturbation either. So the news that Pattinson is a good kisser will invariably see tweens all over the world sticking their hands down their knicker-fronts faster than a rat down a drainpipe.

And who says he’s a good kisser? Someone who decided to plant their lips on him just to stave off the agonising boredom of having to try and strike up a conversation with him?

No silly! It’s ‘Bel Ami’ co-star Christina Ricci who loads of people fancy!

Talking to no-mark TV chef talkshow (Oh America! You are a silly country! A talkshow chef? What next? A makeover show presented by the drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket?) called Rachael Ray, Ricci said:

“He’s a good kisser. He’s a lovely human being also.”

Aw! Perhaps we’ve been too harsh in assuming that Pattinson is boring like an awkward teenager who can’t process emotions properly yet.

But wait! Ricci isn’t done yet…

“He reminded me of my best friend’s little brothers growing up.”

The awkward, staring type of little brother who you could easily mistake for a hat-stand, leaving him in the corner covered in coats and wondering where he got to, ’til you hear a meek clearing of the throat from beneath the jackets.

In this new film, there’s a whole host of women who were clearly bored to the point of Prozac when dealing with Patz, that they felt obliged to kiss him just to see if he was still breathing.

As well as Ricci’s character, Pattinson puts the lips on Uma Thurman and Kristin Scott Thomas. Feel free to add these names to your jealousy-list of ‘Bitches I Hope Die And Rot In Hell’.

Still, worry not screaming fans. This new film sees our Rob getting nudey nude.

He says, in a monotone voice that sounds like a slow moving lorry pulling out of a service station:

“I think there’s a lot of my crack in it. I think there’s quite a bit of nudity. It was such a strange story. I think it will turn out to be very interesting, but I have no idea about any of it yet.”

Interesting? There’s a word you don’t associate with Robert Pattinson. We can only hope that his bum crack has an ounce of charisma.

And no, that’s not a euphemism for ‘tagnut’.

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Remember The Sixth Sense? That guessing game of creepy corpses, perceptive little children who don’t see the Sun enough and a plot twist that kept viewers guessing ‘til the closing credits.

Now just imagine that but with Christina Ricci’s nipples. That was fun, wasn’t it?

That’s the kind of Hollywood mindset that gets twisted tales like After.Life told, which involve cold morticians chatting to the recently deceased body of Anna Taylor (Christina Ricci)…but is she really dead?

Probably.

Actually, probably not.

We don’t really want to spoil the fish-slap finish to this particularly overwrought story, but suffice to say that it’s more concerned with building the levels of intrigue to a near hemorrhage inducing state.

Things get off to a bumpy start, with Anna acting withdrawn and constantly bickering with her boyfriend, Paul (half geek, half hunk, all Justin Long), whose logical response is to propose marriage, quite bafflingly. Anna seems to be popping pills like Pez and seeing all manner of hallucinations.

It’s after one particularly ferocious argument with Paul that she makes the mistake of being in a car accident. What a daft git. The accident only goes and kills her…or does it?

Probably.

Maybe.

What’s for dinner?

This is the main crux of the movie and where menacing nose-face Liam Neeson turns up as Eliot Deacon, claiming to be able to communicate with the recently snuffed.

He’s actually the big advantage of the film, with the once Qui-Gon-Schindlers-Big-Bollocks proving to be a sinister sod. He says that he is able to help the deceased move on to the other side…or can he?

Meh.

The rest of the film balances between Anna’s being dead. Or not. While her strange connection with some morbidly obsessed child may hold the answers, her boyfriend Paul ponders grief. It’s a dramatic change for the usually comedic Long, finding much emotional depth, more so than when he got a spanner to the balls in Dodgeball.

Ricci is also perfectly adequate playing the confuddled Anna, trying to work out what death means to her, not knowing whether she even had a life at all. It’s also a role that pretty much has her in the buff for the vast majority of the picture.

It’s not a complaint, but it’s just sort of…odd.

The film meanders on through its running time, throwing more nudity and gore (and for those inclined, sometimes simultaneously), while the resolution to Anna’s predicament and Eliot’s motivation are dragged out. The formula adds so many turns that by the end it begins to run stale.

The ending itself doesn’t quite pack the punch that you’d hope but the story itself is acted out with such conviction by the stellar three leads, that it’s sometimes just satisfying enough to watch everything play out. It’s a creepy tale, not one bursting with full-on horror, but if you’ve got a thing for corpses, blood and naked women, then this is probably for you.

Or you’re mental. Either way we want you to stay away from us…or do we?

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OK, the headline could be a tad misleading, as it’s questionable as to whether grabbing a boob without consent constitutes rape, or indeed whether a monkey has the faculties to be accused of such an act.

Be that as it may, it is an attention-grabbing headline that we’ve used to reel you in to a comparatively unsensational story. Let’s move on.

Christina Ricci, who was already a Maimouphobiac (scared of monkeys) was sexually assaulted on the set of her latest film Penelope by Chim Chim The Chimpanzee.

Christina Ricci said:

"I'm afraid of monkeys, but I had decided not to be afraid of Chim Chim because no one else is. I thought, 'Everyone else thinks he's awesome so just be cool.'”

But it seems the actress – playing a woman born with a pig's nose – played it a bit too cool, and the socially-inept Chim Chim couldn’t contain himself.

“It's the first day of shooting and I have this kitchen scene where I'm sitting down and Chim Chim is sitting right next to me. Of course, it freaks out during the take and grabs my left breast and will not let go, and he's so strong. I'm so freaked out and the rest of the actors are facing the other way so no one sees that this has happened to me and I'm like, 'Help, help' as quietly and calmly as possible so this thing does not freak out any further."

When Chim Chim initially saw co-star Reese Witherspoon rushing over to join in, he probably couldn’t believe his luck. However it was short lived as Witherspoon, with the help of Richard E Grant and James McAvoy, separated the two bipeds.

"Finally they got him off me but my fear is completely validated and I did not go near him for the rest of the shoot. Monkeys are crazy and you never know what they'll grab onto – I don't like unpredictable animals."

Ricci and her left breast survived the attack unscathed, and Chim Chim was left to while away the remainder of the shoot in disgrace. As to whether he felt it was worth it, we can only guess.

It’s a wonder why Ricci would ever tell the world this story. Oh no, wait – Penelope is due to be released in the UK on February 1.

Read more: 

Christina Ricci's ape assault – FemaleFirst