One of these days, Kristen Stewart will pull a convincing smile. One of these days, Robert Pattinson will pull a convincing face. Seriously, he’s *that close* to showing a sign of expression. We all keenly await it like people staring at someone due out of a coma.
Well, the pair of them may have privately nearly pulled expressions as it seems they have gone through that most painful of experiences – which we’re poking fun at because we’re heartless fools – a break-up.
That’s right masturbating fantasists! You can now imagine marrying one of these people in some shivering, glittery fleshed union as they are now on the market after Kristen Stewart totally dumped Robert Pattinson’s arse on the kerb.
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Fans of Robert Pattinson need no encouragement when it comes to sighing wistfully about ol’ mono-chops. They certainly don’t need anyone to provoke them into furious bouts of masturbation either. So the news that Pattinson is a good kisser will invariably see tweens all over the world sticking their hands down their knicker-fronts faster than a rat down a drainpipe.
And who says he’s a good kisser? Someone who decided to plant their lips on him just to stave off the agonising boredom of having to try and strike up a conversation with him?
No silly! It’s ‘Bel Ami’ co-star Christina Ricci who loads of people fancy!
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Remember The Sixth Sense? That guessing game of creepy corpses, perceptive little children who don’t see the Sun enough and a plot twist that kept viewers guessing ‘til the closing credits.
Now just imagine that but with Christina Ricci’s nipples. That was fun, wasn’t it?
That’s the kind of Hollywood mindset that gets twisted tales like After.Life told, which involve cold morticians chatting to the recently deceased body of Anna Taylor (Christina Ricci)…but is she really dead?
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OK, the headline could be a tad misleading, as it’s questionable as to whether grabbing a boob without consent constitutes rape, or indeed whether a monkey has the faculties to be accused of such an act.
Be that as it may, it is an attention-grabbing headline that we’ve used to reel you in to a comparatively unsensational story. Let’s move on.
Christina Ricci, who was already a Maimouphobiac (scared of monkeys) was sexually assaulted on the set of her latest film Penelope by Chim Chim The Chimpanzee.
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