Some people say the McCartney/Mills divorce was the best celebrity divorce ever. Some say the Hasselhoff divorce.

These people are wrong. When it comes to celebrity divorces, one stands head and shoulders above all others. It had fame. It had money. It had glamour. It had infidelity. It had a $3,000-per-month addiction to internet pornography. It had a Billy Joel soundtrack. It was the Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce from last year. It was perfect, and it’s back in the news.

We’re so happy that the Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce is back in the news that we could kiss somebody on the lips. Not Peter Cook, obviously. We don’t know where his mouth’s been.

The moral of the epic, relentlessly brilliant Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce is that you should never split up with Billy Joel. True, Billy Joel might have a face like a popped blister and a nasty habit of drinking furniture polish every now and again, but he will love you and write Uptown Girl for you and let you paint objectively terrible cover art for his albums.

Also, if you ever leave Billy Joel, you’ll end up with Peter Cook. And that’s no good because a) he’ll allow you to name your child Sailor, b) he’ll have an affair with a teenager he met in a toystore and c) he’ll blow $3,000 a month on hardcore pornography. Although, that said, if you didn’t leave Billy Joel then you would never have divorced Peter Cook – and history will one day see that as your greatest gift to the world.

You might have assumed that the Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce was all dealt with, after Christie Brinkley won custody of her children and Peter Cook won enough money to spunk a calculated 67 gallons of jism across a pixellated image of an exhausted-looking 40-year-old woman dressed up like a randy schoolgirl on the internet. But you’d be wrong.

Because yesterday Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook were back in court for a settlement or an argument about a passport or something. Look, the reason why they were in court together doesn’t matter. The important thing is that Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook got to slag each other off in public again. Maybe there is a God after all. Newsday reports:

Outside the courtroom later, Brinkley called Cook an “extreme narcissist.” “Google ‘Divorcing a narcissist,’ ” Brinkley told reporters. “It will give you a lot of insight into what I’ve been going through for the past three and a half years.” Told what his ex-wife said, Cook said: “I’ll accept ‘narcissist’ over ‘interference.’ ” … Brinkley kept her sunglasses on throughout the proceeding.

Now we know the done thing here is to say “Oh, how awful for the children to see their parents fighting in public like this,” but screw that, frankly. This ongoing Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce is BRILLIANT, and if the tragic emotional deterioration of an 11-year-old girl named Sailor ends up being the cost of making sure it keeps us entertained then we’re going to wholeheartedly encourage it.

She is called Sailor, after all. It’s not like she was going to have a very happy life anyway.

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Yep, 60-year-old Billy Joel has split up with his 27-year-old wife. And that’s probably it. No excitement here.

Don’t expect anything as exciting as the Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce from these two. That’s partly because the thought of Billy Joel masturbating to $3,000 of porn a month is so grotty that it makes us want to punch ourselves unconscious, and partly because it’s unlikely that Billy Joel would run off with a teenager because the current 33-year age-gap between him and his estranged wife is already disturbing enough as it is, thank you very much.

Cuh. Billy Joel is boring.

You might not have known this, but for the last five years Billy Joel has been married to a 27-year-old chef called Katie Lee. We’re saying that you might not have known that, by the way, for two reasons: 1) Nobody has really thought about Billy Joel for the last 15 years, even by accident, and 2) Unlike Uptown Girl, which he wrote for Christie Brinkley, Billy Joel has never written any songs for Katie Lee. That’s not to say he hasn’t tried, of course, but he’s always come unstuck looking for something that rhymes with “Compared to me, you’re as old as a foetus.”

But anyway, none of that matters now – it’s just been announced that Billy Joel and Katie Lee are splitting up. People reports:

“After nearly five years of marriage Billy Joel & Katie Lee Joel have decided to separate. This decision is a result of much thoughtful consideration. Billy & Katie remain caring friends with admiration and respect for each other,” says a statement issued by both of their reps.

Now that’s sad and all, but it’s not the end of the world. This split means that Katie Lee can forge ahead with trying to make a name for herself, and also for finding a life partner who isn’t old enough to be one of her dad’s creepy friends.

And as for Billy Joel – well, is it too much to expect for him to get back together with Christie Brinkley? After all, thanks to her humiliating divorce from Peter Cook recently, Christie’s self-esteem is probably at its absolute lowest – and that means Billy Joel has never had a better chance of getting back into her knickers.

Oh, it’d be wonderful. Billy Joel could write some new songs for Christie Brinkley – called things like I’ll Never Leave You For A Teenager I Just Met In A Toyshop and Boy, Your Last Husband Sure Did Enjoy Wanking A Lot – and in return Christie could paint some more nightmarish, childlike album covers for Billy that everyone laughs at but secretly understands because if they’d somehow lucked their way into marrying a supermodel they’d probably let her scrawl some hapless, objectively bad artwork for them, too.

We’ve forgotten what our point was now. Something about Billy Joel, we think.

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The interview is to be broadcast tonight – a fact which has got Christie Brinkley into a flap. Christie Brinkley has tried to take a restraining order out against Peter Cook because he’s due to have their children this weekend, and she’s worried that he’ll spend that entire weekend showing them his interview.

But a judge has rejected the restraining order, partly because Peter Cook plans to take the children on a trip this weekend. But what Christie Brinkley doesn’t know is that the trip is to the television department of an electrical goods store, where the children will see their father explaining what a cold-hearted witch their mother is on 50 giant HDTV screens at once, and all in crystal-clear surround sound. Eat that, Uptown Girl!

What sort of a world do we live in when a divorced man who had extramarital sex with a teenager can’t even go on TV and whine that he only did it because his wife didn’t hug him without repercussions, eh?

It makes us feel for Peter Cook, it really does. True, his marriage to supermodel Christie Brinkley may have ended when he shagged an 18-year-old girl he met at a toyshop and then started spending $3,000 on porn a month, but that doesn’t mean he’s not allowed his own highly-publicised television interview where he blames Christie Brinkley for everything, does it?

That interview is broadcast tonight, and it already looks a doozy. Not least because Peter Cook gets to check his self-awareness at the door and try to explain to the world that he’s not a pervert, but also because there’s a bit in it where he tears up and calls all the stuff he’s been accused of “the elephant in the room for my kids” even though – if we were Peter Cook’s children – we’d quite like an elephant in the room to distract us from the mental image of our dad constantly beating himself off in front of the computer where we do our homework.

However, two people who won’t be watching Peter Cook’s Christie Brinkley interview are Brinkley children Sailor and Jack. The main reason that they won’t be watching the interview is because they’re young and all the close-up shots of Barbara Walters‘ nodding cadaverous head will scar them for life, but also because Peter Cook is taking them away on a trip tonight to keep them away from the interview.

That’s not good enough for Christie Brinkley, though. She’s already sent a screechy retaliatory statement about Peter Cook after news of the interview got out, but now she’s followed that up by filing a restraining order attempting to keep Peter Cook away from the children in case he decides to show them the interview anyway.

But it was all in vain, because a judge has rejected the restraining order, giving Peter Cook’s attorney the perfect opportunity to call Christie Brinkley a stinkybum poohead in the process, as E! Online reports:

“They wanted to suspend Cook’s visitation for this coming weekend because they had word that there was going to be an interview with Barbara Walters tomorrow evening with Mr. Cook, and they didn’t want the children exposed to that,” Cook’s attorney, James Winkler, tells E! News. “It was a silly application. Obviously, there are TVs all over the place, and Mr. Cook had no intention of exposing his children to any interview.”

Yes, those children are never going to find anything out about that interview at all, unless they happen to watch TV, read a book, pick up a magazine or look at anything on the internet in the next few weeks. Talk about lucky escapes!

Having said that, though, we’re glad that Christie Brinkley’s restraining order against Peter Cook was rejected. Peter Cook would clearly never dream of sitting his children down and make them watch his TV interview. Because, come on, that’d really bite into his wanking time, wouldn’t it.

Imagining that? Congratulations, you’re now Christie Brinkley. And now, Christie Brinkley, given that your ex-husband Peter Cook has just shown himself to be an egomanical attention-div of the highest order by writhing around in the gutter in front of the world like this, what’s the absolute last thing you should probably do?

That’s right – dive into the gutter with him. But that’s what Christie Brinkley has just done. Christie’s released a statement that further slags off Peter Cook, even though it’s basically just another reminder for her daughter that her parents are no longer capable of rational thought. The poor girl’s already called Sailor, for Christ’s sake. How much more do you want her to resent you?

Peter Cook is that rare breed – an egomaniac with no sense of insight whatsoever. Looking back, it was actually over two years ago that Christie Brinkley threw Peter Cook out for having it off with a teenager he met in a toyshop, and several months since the Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce was finalised.

Since then, given that the world is swamped with piles of brand new meaningless celebrity codswallop every day, memories of Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook’s messy break-up have faded. So when Peter Cook decided to bitch about Christie Brinkley to Barbara Walters this week, he made two profound mistakes:

1 - Because people don’t care about whatever tiny ephemeral thumbprint Peter Cook left on the world of celebrity, everyone had to think back to remember who Peter Cook actually is. And that made them realise that, oh, he’s the dirty little bugger who spends $3,000 a month on wanking paraphernalia. Urgh, dirty.

2 - Having reminded people that he’s the man who shagged a teenager and wanks a lot, going on TV to blame Christie Brinkley for all that made Peter Cook look like a sort of giant clueless fudgepot who lives so far up his own bottom that his mouth smells like oesophagus.

In fact, Peter Cook’s 20/20 interview seems like such an ill-advised trainwreck that it actually makes us almost respect Christie Brinkley, and given that she painted the nightmarishly awful artwork for Billy Joel’s River Of Dreams album, that’s something we never thought we’d hear ourselves say about the jumped-up hopeless goon.

In fact, all Christie Brinkley needed to do to come out of this muddle looking peachy-clean was keep her mouth shut. That’s literally all she needed to do. Rise above it. Be the better person. Accept dignified silence into her life. And so that’s what Christie Brinkley did.

For about five seconds, anyway. Then she got her lawyer to release this piece of moronic screech just so everyone could be certain that she’s just as much of an arsewedge as Peter Cook is:

“It is a measure of Peter Cook’s character that he has breached the confidentiality agreement that is in the divorce settlement and has sought to present this distorted one sided view of his marriage. Mr. Cook had his days in court, testified on his own behalf and ultimately agreed with the view of the children’s court appointed attorney and psychiatrist that the children should live principally with their mother and that she should be the sole custodial parent.”

It’s disappointing to see that Christie Brinkley has lowered herself to Peter Cook’s level by continuing to fling mud at each other in public like this, but at least they’re square now. This should be the end of it.

For about five seconds, anyway. At this rate we’ll be stunned if Peter Cook hasn’t released a six-volume autobiography entitled Mer Mer Mer Christie Brinkley Smells Like Badger Balls by the end of the day.

Why? Because even though Peter Cook’s supermodel wife Christie Brinkley recently divorced him after he a) had it off with a teenager he met in a toystore and b) started spending $3,000 a month on internet pornography, Peter Cook says that the divorce was absolutely not his fault at all.

Better still, Peter Cook blames the divorce squarely on Christie Brinkley, because she didn’t thank him for being him as much as he wanted. Peter Cook said all this in an interview with Barbara Walters in an effort to stop him being branded as a “scumbag pervert.” And we’re pretty sure he’s got his wish – we believe the term is “egomaniac scumbag pervert dimwit” now.

Generally, divorce never makes anyone happy. It’s basically just a huge admission of failure and, while it can provoke feelings of anger or remorse or sadness, happiness never really factors into the equation.

The exception to this, of course, was the divorce between supermodel Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook, because that was hilarious. Actual roll on the floor, wet yourself hilarious. If you’re new to all this we should recap.

Peter Cook is an architect who, by some incredible fluke, managed to end up married to supermodel Christie Brinkley, of Uptown Girl and Chuck Norris sports equipment commercial fame. Everything was going swimmingly, until Peter Cook started having sex with Diana Bianchi, an 18-year-old girl he met at a toyshop, because after that Christie Brinkley left Peter Cook.

What followed, after Peter Cook swapped his testicles for a series of Please Forgive Me front page newspaper adverts, was one of the best divorces in history. Carried out in public at Christie Brinkley’s insistence, the divorce proceedings included tears, professional psychoanalysis on the brains of both Brinkley and Cook and – best of all – the news that Peter Cook spent $3,000 every month to grind his willy down to gristle on internet porn.

It was incredible. Unbeatable, we thought. But we were wrong. Although Peter Cook got the beating of his life in the divorce courts, he’s since dragged himself up, brushed himself down and appeared on television to, um, start punching himself in the face, basically.

For no logical reason at all, Peter Cook has decided to go on 20/20 with Barbara Walters and blame the entire dissolution of his marriage on Christie Brinkley alone. According to Fox, Cook said that the divorce was Christie Brinkley’s fault because:

“I wanted a little acknowledgement, a little attention, a little thank-you every now and then for my efforts, for the amount of time I took to care for her and my family, for the wealth I was building. Just the tremendous amount of work I was putting into my family… My hope is that the world will see that I’m not the scumbag pervert that I’ve been painted to be.”

In a way, we suppose Peter Cook has got a point – we’re certainly never going to think of him as a scumbag pervert after hearing his sad story. That’s because we’ll be too busy thinking of him as a permanently-masturbating attention-craving infant who wouldn’t know what self-awareness was if it came along and crapped in his mouth.

But that’s just us.

According to reports, lawyers for both Christie Brinkley were thrashing out a divorce settlement until 6:15 this morning, and everyone’s got what they wanted. On the surface of things, Christie Brinkley has come out on top – she’s keeping sole custody of her kids.

You’d think that Peter Cook would be disappointed to discover that he’s never going to be able to spend any quality time with his own children for the rest of his life, but that’s not the case either – Christie Brinkley has to pay him $2.1 million. That’s enough money to keep him in porn for 58.3 years! And, as we all know, porn wins over kids every time.

We’ve long maintained that if anything is more heartwarming than an estranged couple coming together to reach an amicable divorce settlement, it’s an estranged couple coming together to reach an amicable divorce settlement after the wife has exposed to the whole wide world that the husband spends $3,000 on internet porn every month.

And that, by our estimation, makes the divorce between former supermodel Christie Brinkley and her constantly horny architect husband Peter Cook the most heartwarming divorce of all.

True, they may have had their ups and downs recently – most notably when Peter Cook ran up bills of $3,000 a month on internet porn and then started having sex with a girl he met in a toyshop, and when Christie Brinkley retaliated by demanding that their divorce was conducted in public and lined up 44 different witnesses to explain exactly why Peter Cook was such a shit – but at least the pair of them have managed to finally get to a settlement. ABC News reports:

The couple and their lawyers spent hours during the night in separate conference rooms at a Marriot hotel on Long Island. Early this morning, at 6:15 a.m., the battling couple finally struck a deal, according to Brinkley’s lawyer Robert Stephan Cohen. The settlement is expected to be revealed in court later today.

Although it hasn’t been formally announced yet, news sources are confidently predicting that the settlement will lean heavily in Christie Brinkley’s favour. She’ll not only keep full custody of her children, but she’ll also keep the couple’s houses.

It’s not all Christie Brinkley, though – Peter Cook has apparently been given $2.1 million in return for his cooperation. It doesn’t sound like a very large compensation for not being able to see your children grow up but, as we’ve said, it does leave Peter Cook with plenty of post-divorce options. For instance…

1 - On the basis that Peter Cook tried to silence his teenage toystore lover Diana Bianchi with a cash gift of $300,000, the settlement money will allow Peter Cook to embark on another seven reckless sexual affairs with suspiciously young girls.

2 - Since he hasn’t released an album of new material for 14 years, Peter Cook might be able to pay Billy Joel the $2.1 million to write a new song about Christie Brinkley with the title You Vindictive Witch or something.

3 - Porn. As we may have mentioned, Peter Cook rattles through $3,000 of internet porn every single month, meaning that $2.1 million will keep him in pixelated boobies for 58.3 years. If we’re still working on the principle that Peter Cook manages to somehow squeeze in three ejaculations every day, that’s a full 63,636 ejaculations he’s just won from Christie Brinkley.

Going further down this road, on the basis that the average volume of fluid produced by a man per ejaculation is 4ml, the $2.1 million that Peter Cook won in his divorce settlement correlates roughly to 67 gallons of jizz.

And now that they’re properly divorced, that’s 67 gallons of jizz that Christie Brinkley won’t be able to wipe off her thighs after several underwhelming bouts of narcissistic middle-aged sex with Peter Cook. Your loss Christie Brinkley. Your loss.

You’ve got two choices – there’s Christie Brinkley, the former supermodel who looks like she spends her weekends baking cooking and making fresh lemonade; and then there’s Peter Cook, a man who pays thousands of dollars each month to waggle his pee-pee around on the internet.

You’d probably wait for professional psychiatric advice before making a decision, wouldn’t you? Well, fear not – a psychiatrist has taken the stand at the Christie Brinkley divorce, and he’s called Peter Cook an ‘insatiable narcissist’. Peter Cook would have denied this claim, but he was too busy tenderly licking his own reflection in a mirror to pay attention to anything that was being said at the time.

We’ve been doing our best to keep track of the Christie Brinkley divorce, we really have, but it’s been hard. This is partly because we don’t really care about Christie Brinkley, but mostly because the structure’s all out of whack.

Seriously, if your opening day argument is going to be about how Peter Cook spends $3,000 a month on internet pornography, then you’d better be able to top that on following days. Unless you’ve discovered that Peter Cook was once filmed having sex with an octopus or something, people are only going to focus on the porn thing. Or maybe that’s just us.

Anyway, what the Christie Brinkley divorce needed was a softly-spoken professional to cut through all the accusations with a precise assessment of exactly why you’ll forever be unable to shake Peter Cook’s hand without imagining him using it to thrash away at his middle-aged pecker in front of a pixelised image of a vagina he’s paid hundreds of dollars to see.

And yesterday that’s what it got, in the guise of Dr. Stephen Herman, a New York psychiatrist employed by the court to analyse Peter Cook, Christie Brinkley and their two children. Newsday reports:

“Mr. Cook is characterologically a narcissist,” said Dr. Stephen Herman. “While most people need a feeding for their egos, Mr. Cook has an insatiable appetite.” … Herman said Cook most likely endangered his children if they were exposed to his pornography or illicit relationships.

Endangered? Hah, he calls himself a psychiatrist? He knows nothing – there isn’t a man on the face of the planet who can’t say that he didn’t learn everything worth knowing about sex from the VHS copy of Murder On The Orient Sexpress that he found in a shoebox at the bottom of his Dad’s wardrobe when he was 12. That did happen to all men, right? Good, that’s what we thought.

However, Peter Cook isn’t the only one who needs therapy, according to Dr Herman. Christie Brinkley should also get her brain looked at because she’s controlling and she keeps marrying idiots, he said, plus the kids may as well get counselling as well.

After all, it’s never particularly easy to be a child whose parents are going through a messy divorce at the best of times, so imagine how it feels to be a child whose parents are going through a divorce and who can barely sleep at night thanks to the distracting sound of their father constantly slapping his erect penis around to internet porn in the next room.

Or a child whose parents are going through a divorce and who can barely sleep at night thanks to the distracting sound of their father constantly slapping his erect penis around to internet porn in the next room who occasionally has to visit Billy Joel. Lord, it doesn’t bear thinking about.

But how does Christie Brinkley like to relax in the few moments where she's not systematically kicking the father of her child in the balls again and again until his reputation is shattered forever? Simple – by hanging out with Billy Joel.

Christie Brinkley spent her Independence Day at a barbecue with ex-husband Billy Joel. While those close to Brinkley are busy pointing out that there's nothing romantic going on, Billy Joel must surely know that Christie Brinkley's heightened vulnerability means that she'll leap into his arms again as soon as he plays her the new song he's written about her, the doo-wop influenced My Monthly Internet Pornography Bill Is Marginally Smaller Than His.

It's probably fair to say that Christie Brinkley is the worst judge of men in the history of the entire universe. It's true – she's never managed to hold down a successful relationship for any decent length of time without them buggering everything up by shagging a teenager or spending $3,000 a month on internet porn or, in the case of Olivier Chandon de Brailles, crashing a racing car into a canal and drowning. Pigs, the lot of them.

But the closest Christie Brinkley has ever come to a perfect man is Billy Joel, the furniture polish-drinking recovering alcoholic who's recently become more famous for crashing his car than for singing.

While he was married to Christie Brinkley, Billy Joel loved her something rotten – he wrote all kinds of songs for her, including Uptown Girl, Shameless and Blonde Over Blue, and he even used the artwork that Christie created for his River Of Dreams album, even though it looked like it was painted by a polio-stricken goose hammered on cough medicine.

And Christie Brinkley loved Billy Joel too because, although she divorced him, she didn't tell the world how much he spent every month on masturbatory aids as revenge for him having sex with a teenager he met in a toystore. We get the impression that's the closest Christie Brinkley will ever get to love, anyway.

So imagine our delight when we heard that Christie Brinkley had taken time out from her punishing divorce routine to spend a hilarious Independence Day afternoon taunting clumsy children with Billy Joel at his house. People reports:

Brinkley, arrived with daughter Alexa Joel, 20, and "seemed good," says a friend of the supermodel's… An onlooker says Brinkley, Alexa, Billy and about a dozen friends "were having a blast," eating barbecue ribs and corn and sipping white wine. At one point Alexa dropped her first plate of food – "they were all laughing about that," says the source. 

Now, we know what you're thinking – you're wondering if this could be the start of a renewed love affair between Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel. Well, don't – as vulnerable and needy as Christie Brinkley probably is at the moment, Billy Joel happens to be happily married to Katie Lee Joel, a 27-year-old TV presenter.

Still, it's nice to see that Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel can remain on friendly terms following their divorce, which means there's a good chance that Christie and Peter Cook will be able to stay friends once this divorce is over, too. And even if they don't, Peter will still have $3,000 of porn to thwack away to every single month. Who needs friends when you've got that?

Well, you don't even know the half of it. During the first day of the gloriously public Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce trial yesterday, it was claimed that Cook spends around $3,000 a month on porn websites. What an idiot – why doesn't he just illegally download his pornography for free like the rest of us do?

Now, we're no mathematicians, but even if Peter Cook found the time to solidly jerk himself into a frenzy three times a day to internet pornography, that still equates to about $33 per ejaculation. $33! For that money he could buy a fresh pair of ladies shoes each time and wank into those instead. That's what most men would rather do, right? Right?

Just us? 

It must really sting to be Christie Brinkley at the moment. Not because she's getting divorced – she tends to schedule one of those in every couple of years anyway – but because, although she's a supermodel, it's becoming clear that her almost ex-husband Peter Cook finds just about everything else on earth sexier than her.

Seriously. We already knew that Peter Cook had a thing for alarmingly young girls he meets in toystores – that's what led to his separation from Christie Brinkley in the first place – but now it's been claimed that Cook also has a thing for internet pornography. And not just a passing curiosity, either – Peter Cook allegedly spends $3,000 a month on it.

Imagine the pile of pork chops you could buy for $3,000. Now imagine that all the pork chops are made from jism – that's how much Peter Cook likes internet porn. But, hey, you want to know more? Great – here's the New York Daily News:

Her lawyer's opening statements painted Cook as a womanizing, Internet porn-addicted pervert who paid his young girlfriend from piles of money he hid around his family home. "He was so busy spending his cash on the Internet and Diana Bianchi that he never put a cent back into his family," Brinkley's lawyer Robert Cohen said.

Ah, yes, Diana Bianchi. She's the girl who Peter Cook had lots of sex with behind Christie Brinkley's back. Peter Cook also liked to spend money on her, too – as well as the cash he regularly left her under a rock near his office, it's also claimed that he tried to hush Diana Bianchi up with a payment of $300,000.

Wow, he really must have wanted her to stay quiet – that money could have bought him eight years' worth of porn.

And all this came out on the first day of the divorce trial – Christie Brinkley has got to get through 44 witnesses before Peter Cook's even allowed his rebuttal. This is the best divorce ever! 

Still, though, $3,000 a month? On pornography? What's it of, a mermaid humping a unicorn?

Seriously, is it? Because we'd probably quite like to see that.

Shows what we know, huh? In fact, Christie Brinkley has turned up at the courthouse on the first day of her divorce trial looking so weepy and emotionally frazzled that we were half expecting her to literally tear her own heart out of her chest as a graphic demonstration of what her cheating husband did to her.

Christie Brinkley was so upset, she says, because she really didn't want her divorce to reach a courtroom. We can see her point – it must be galling to have to go through a painful experience like a divorce in public. Especially when, like Christie Brinkley, you're the one who doggedly stipulated that the trial had to be conducted in public in the first place. We're welling up just thinking about it.

As a supermodel, Christie Brinkley knows what she wants and what she doesn't want from her husbands. What she wants is for her man to write hit pop songs about how much more incredibly beautiful she is to other people than he could ever be. What she very specifically doesn't want is for her man to meet a teenager in a toyshop and have it off with her a bunch of times.

Peter Cook must have missed that nugget of insight, because that's precisely what ended their marriage. But it's not all bad, because Christie Brinkley has become so furiously embittered by Cook's shenanigans that she's decided to divorce him in full view of the public, which means we'll all have plenty of chances to hear any number of stories about a middle-aged man having sex with a girl easily young to be his daughter. All of us. That's fun and not creepy at all.

And that's where we are today. The Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce kicked off not so long ago, and Brinkley is going to make absolutely sure that Cook gets nailed. She's already lined up 44 different witnesses to spell out what a cheating shit he is, but just to reinforce that point, Christie Brinkley arrived at the courthouse looking as if she could burst into tears at any moment, as the New York Daily News reports:

Supermodel Christie Brinkley was on the verge of tears as she arrived for the first day of her divorce trial Wednesday morning. Wearing a white shirt and khaki skirt, she clutched her lawyer's arm for support and nearly broke down as she addressed the media outside the courthouse in Central Islip, L.I. "I'd hoped with all my heart we could have settled this out of court," she said.

Yes, it's understandable that Christie Brinkley was so upset, but everyone has their own way of dealing with heartbreak. Some throw themselves into work, others turn to drink – Christie Brinkley's method just happens to involve lining up 44 different people and having each them explain very slowly what a dreadful man Peter Cook again and again is before the media so that the news will eventually trickle back, possibly through vicious-minded schoolyard taunts, to their two children. It's a perfectly natural reaction.

Anyway, it's fortunate that Christie Brinkley's fit of almost-tears didn't last too long, because that would have delayed the opening arguments in the divorce trial. And they need to get out of the way as quickly as possible, because the first witness Christie's calling is Diana Bianchi, the very girl who slept with Peter Cook and knackered his marriage. Chances are you'll be hearing about that tomorrow.

But for now we should just salute the fiendish emotional manipulation of Christie Brinkley, a woman who seems determined to make Peter Cook wish he'd never set foot in that flipping toyshop in the first place.

Still, it could be worse – Peter Cook could have married Naomi Campbell. God knows how many mobile phones he'd be prising out of his face if he'd tried any of that nonsense with her.

Thankfully, though, there hasn't – and next week Christie Brinkley's soon-to-be ex-husband Peter Cook will find out that revenge is a dish best served cold. In public. That gets as legally close to indelibly branding 'I cheated on my wealthy former supermodel wife with a girl I met in a toystore' across his big stupid head as possible.

And what's more, the toystore girl in question – Diana Bianchi – is ready to truthfully testify if she's called to the divorce court. But only if she's called at certain times of the day – you won't get a peep out of her if the testimony clashes with Teletubbies.

Christie Brinkley has been married a bunch of times, and her husbands have all done their best to show her how special she is to them.

Billy Joel famously wrote Uptown Girl for her, for example, while Brinkley's most recent husband Peter Cook, um, had it off with an 18-year-old girl he met at a toy shop. It's sort of the same thing, except that it's slightly more difficult to claim 50 per cent of the royalties from an ill-advised mid-life crisis bunk-up with a teenager than from a catchy middle of the road doo-wop pastiche.

You'll remember, of course, that it was the talk of the town when Christie Brinkley split up with her architect husband Peter Cook back in 2006. Nobody could quite believe that any man would dare cheat on his wife – a wife who still has the physical wherewithal to co-endorse exercise equipment with the mighty Chuck Norris – with a pert-bodied teenager. Not least Christie Brinkley.

And, fair play to Christie Brinkley, she seems to want nothing less from the divorce than both of Peter Cook's testicles in a box. First Christie made Peter apologise in a public newspaper and then ignored him, then she forced the divorce trial into the public and now she's making the little floozy who destroyed her marriage – Diana Bianchi – testify against him in court. The New York Daily News reports:

Diana Bianchi has been subpoenaed to testify about her affair with the ex-supermodel's estranged husband, 47-year-old architect Peter Cook, her attorney said Sunday night. "I think her episode with Mr. Cook was one of the catalysts for this," Bianchi's attorney, Joseph Tacopina, told the Daily News. "All I can say is that if she is called to testify then she'll testify truthfully."

That 'episode', as it's so callously referred to, was a breathtakingly romantic whirlwind the likes of which can only happen when a married man meets a girl in a toy shop, quickly employs her as his personal assistant and possibly promises her that he'll help make her a famous singer even though he's an architect, a profession which traditionally doesn't have too much of a crossover into the world of music. We could go on, but we're welling up. It's just so beautiful.

Anyway, we all know how this will pan out – Christie Brinkley will use Diana Bianchi to show the world what a cold-hearted philanderer Peter Cook is, Peter Cook will be humiliated in public and Diana Bianchi will have found the perfect launchpad for her musical career. Everyone wins.

Except for Peter Cook, obviously. And Diana Bianchi, who'll release one single on a tidal wave of hype based on her tabloid notoriety and then flop spectacularly. And all of us, because we'll have to listen to the bloody thing – which is bound to be a slice of sub-Popozao R&B called something like Who's The Uptown Girl Now? – before it flops.

But so long as Christie Brinkley is happy, eh?

hecklerspray's been through it like 4 times. In the first one our wives got the house, in the second one they got the cat and in the third they took the children.

The fourth time through it the wives got the first-wives' house, and the other-wives' cat and children. That fourth time everything really ended great for us.

Christie Brinkley is going through these pains right now. Granted maybe she's good at it by now – and her intimate knowledge of the process could be why she knows a very public proceeding could work in her favor this time around. Her hubby though, he wants everything very private.

It seems he doesn't want anyone to know about him banging that 18 year old toy-shop worker in the oversized Barbie-Doll house. We made up the Barbie-House bit.

Christie Brinkley is soooooo lucky. She stands now on the very cusp of freedom. She's poised to reclaim her single-dom and hit the town looking for nice bachelors in either their late sixties or early seventies. After two years of waiting for some reason, it seems her divorce proceedings are about to kick into high gear.

It's not all cut and dry though – Brinkley wants all the details open to the public, while her soon-to be ex, Peter Cook, desperately wants everything very, very private. For his possible reasons see that Barbie-house comment we made up earlier.

Still though, he was apparently boinking an 18 year old toy shop employee. One Fox News source says says of this:

"The thing with the girl is just the tip of the iceberg."

The rest of the Fox News article goes on to say:

"On Thursday, reports started appearing on various syndicated TV shows that Brinkley wanted the divorce trial — set for July 2 — to be public and that Cook was trying to intervene for the sake of their two young children. Sources close to Brinkley, however, tell me this is all hogwash, and I believe them. As it’s been pointed out, there is no logic in this latest move by Cook. These friends say that all the legal moves going on are about Cook trying to protect himself from terrible publicity once a trial is under way."

Sounds like Cook's overall desire to hump things is gonna be a major part of all future news stories here. We can't help but wonder if Brinkley ever tried stabbing him with a broken wineglass.

We don't know about you, but to us she's alsways looked like a wine glass stabber.

To read more, see "Christie Brinkley Wants Her Divorce Trial To Be Public" on eNews20