Model and subject of Billy Joel’s ‘Uptown Girl’, Christie Brinkley, has been handed a really quite special tax bill by the US government. How special? Over half a million dollars special. She must’ve missed the 90,000 letters they sent to her house reminding her, eh?
The exact figure, if you’re the kind of person who just loves an exact figure, is an impressive $531,720.
Looks like she’s going to have to do some work to pay that off. Basically, that means we can expect to see her in some awful reality TV show.
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This weekend, Billy Joel’s daughter Alexa Ray was rushed to hospital after taking eight pills in an apparent suicide attempt.
That’s the bad news. The good news is that she’s going to be fine – Alexa Ray Joel was released from hospital last night and is now being taken of by her family. The weird news, though, comes in the claim that Alexa Ray Joel had actually taken Traumeel, a homoeopathic anti-inflammatory medication that’s used as much on cats and dogs as it is on humans.
But at least it’s been confirmed that Alexa Ray is going to be fine. What’s more, it’s expected that she’ll have a nice glossy coat and waggy tail after all this as well. Too far? too far.
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Some people say the McCartney/Mills divorce was the best celebrity divorce ever. Some say the Hasselhoff divorce.
These people are wrong. When it comes to celebrity divorces, one stands head and shoulders above all others. It had fame. It had money. It had glamour. It had infidelity. It had a $3,000-per-month addiction to internet pornography. It had a Billy Joel soundtrack. It was the Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce from last year. It was perfect, and it’s back in the news.
We’re so happy that the Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce is back in the news that we could kiss somebody on the lips. Not Peter Cook, obviously. We don’t know where his mouth’s been.
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Yep, 60-year-old Billy Joel has split up with his 27-year-old wife. And that’s probably it. No excitement here.
Don’t expect anything as exciting as the Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce from these two. That’s partly because the thought of Billy Joel masturbating to $3,000 of porn a month is so grotty that it makes us want to punch ourselves unconscious, and partly because it’s unlikely that Billy Joel would run off with a teenager because the current 33-year age-gap between him and his estranged wife is already disturbing enough as it is, thank you very much.
Cuh. Billy Joel is boring.
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Despite all the endless boneheaded kerfuffle over it, Peter Cook’s big 20/20 interview about Christie Brinkley hasn’t actually been broadcast yet.
The interview is to be broadcast tonight – a fact which has got Christie Brinkley into a flap. Christie Brinkley has tried to take a restraining order out against Peter Cook because he’s due to have their children this weekend, and she’s worried that he’ll spend that entire weekend showing them his interview.
But a judge has rejected the restraining order, partly because Peter Cook plans to take the children on a trip this weekend. But what Christie Brinkley doesn’t know is that the trip is to the television department of an electrical goods store, where the children will see their father explaining what a cold-hearted witch their mother is on 50 giant HDTV screens at once, and all in crystal-clear surround sound. Eat that, Uptown Girl!
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Imagine your ex-husband was on TV doing a wobbly-voiced interview about how his affair with an 18-year-old wasn’t his fault.
Imagining that? Congratulations, you’re now Christie Brinkley. And now, Christie Brinkley, given that your ex-husband Peter Cook has just shown himself to be an egomanical attention-div of the highest order by writhing around in the gutter in front of the world like this, what’s the absolute last thing you should probably do?
That’s right – dive into the gutter with him. But that’s what Christie Brinkley has just done. Christie’s released a statement that further slags off Peter Cook, even though it’s basically just another reminder for her daughter that her parents are no longer capable of rational thought. The poor girl’s already called Sailor, for Christ’s sake. How much more do you want her to resent you?
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This just in – Peter Cook is a legend. An absolute dyed-in-the-wool cast iron legend that every man on Earth should regard as a hero.
Why? Because even though Peter Cook’s supermodel wife Christie Brinkley recently divorced him after he a) had it off with a teenager he met in a toystore and b) started spending $3,000 a month on internet pornography, Peter Cook says that the divorce was absolutely not his fault at all.
Better still, Peter Cook blames the divorce squarely on Christie Brinkley, because she didn’t thank him for being him as much as he wanted. Peter Cook said all this in an interview with Barbara Walters in an effort to stop him being branded as a “scumbag pervert.” And we’re pretty sure he’s got his wish – we believe the term is “egomaniac scumbag pervert dimwit” now.
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The divorce between Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook has finally come to an end – and best of all, everyone’s won!
According to reports, lawyers for both Christie Brinkley were thrashing out a divorce settlement until 6:15 this morning, and everyone’s got what they wanted. On the surface of things, Christie Brinkley has come out on top – she’s keeping sole custody of her kids.
You’d think that Peter Cook would be disappointed to discover that he’s never going to be able to spend any quality time with his own children for the rest of his life, but that’s not the case either – Christie Brinkley has to pay him $2.1 million. That’s enough money to keep him in porn for 58.3 years! And, as we all know, porn wins over kids every time.
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