Rock God Cliff Richard has today admitted to pulling off the most incredible rock n’ roll stunt in history after throwing his secretary of 40 years from a jet cruising at 25,000 feet. The star of ‘Summer Holiday’ and ‘God, What A Terrible Calendar’ has been trying to shake off his ‘granny’s favourite’ tag by hanging out with Peaches Geldof & Ke$ha and was also spotted in a London nightspot challenging Daniel O’Donnell to a scrap.

It’s a sad decline for one of Britain’s best-loved celebrities. From the moment the last shutter sounded on the infamous calendar shoot of 2010, Sir Cliff decided he still “had it” and wanted to attempt to break the world record for shagging his way around an issue of Grazia. He started by seducing Kelly Osbourne using the “I used to know your dad angle” but quickly moved on when he realised that he could never replace her dead dog.

The former detrimental presence in front of The Shadows was recently interviewed in The Sun where he claimed that his life of worship and abstinence meant that he could spend his twilight years pretending to be “f**king Jesus Christ himself” if he wanted to.

After a coke-fuelled sex binge on his private jet, Cliff is reported to have become enraged when his secretary burst into the room with the intention of discussing his personal appearance at the Berlin Christian Hasselhoff Appreciation Gala. Supposedly the German bookers had realised that he wasn’t ‘The Hoff’s’ dad as Cliff’s latest PR material had suggested.

Upon interrupting his good time with up-and-coming ‘It’ girls Tamarah & Samarah Booth, Sir Cliff supposedly picked the woman up in what has been described as an ‘aroused bear-hug’ and threw her from the side door of the jet. Miraculously, Ms Snow happened to have a one-person parachute stowed in her handbag and survived the ordeal; her only injury being the psychological scarring of feeling the touch of a coke-addled Cliff’s engorged member against her.

The singer hired Gill Snow in the 1970s to help organise his hectic work schedule and she had been a constant presence in his team ever since. Confirming the news, Snow told the Daily Mail:

“It’s over and I’m on to a new phase of my life. The office is continuing. A new [Cliff Richard] tour has just been announced and a new album. I’m glad he threw me out of that plane. Really glad.”

All’s well that ends well, we suppose. hecklerspray would like to wish Ms Snow good luck in the future and Sir Cliff the speediest of rehabilitations.

Katy Perry once kissed a girl and she liked it, if her personal reports are to be believed.

Though when we have a confession to make we don’t normally make a literal song and dance about it, we can accept that this is the modern age and those youngsters do things differently. But according to some sources, Katy Perry‘s parents don’t see it that way, and have registered their disgust at their daughter’s activities and apparent sexual escapades.

Then we find out that Katy thinks her parents were misquoted, and that they are fully supportive of her career. But which is it, Katy - which is it?! Are you a libertine whose parents don’t like you? Are you a mental and a Christian (peas in a pod) who likes the lesbians and has supportive parents?

We need to know.

But it’s all gone and turned into a big pile of confusion, with reports and counter-reports flying in left, right and centre. If we were cynical, we might assume this was the work of some marketing twit who was out to make a bit of a splash with the Perry name.

But of course, we’re not that cynical.

Reports that Katy Perry‘s parents hate what she does came about from the greatest newspaper in the world, the Daily Mail, which in between saying videogames cause all the ills in the world ever, managed to fit some other words in. Namely, Katy’s mum saying:

“Katy knows how I feel. We are a very outspoken family and she knows how disappointed her father and I are. I can’t even listen to that song. The first time I heard it I was in total shock. When it comes on the radio I bow my head and pray. I hate the song. It clearly promotes homosexuality and its message is shameful and disgusting.”

Now we understand it’s a bad song, but is there any real need to get God involved in matters? We mean, he might use his ultra-powers to blow up the radio or something, but you could just forget about bothering him, turn the radio off and go do something else. He probably has enough to worry about, the poor little blighter.

Katy’s mama went on – probably while between bouts of praying for God to change channel on her TV:

“Katy was raised in a very strict Christian household, she started performing in church at nine. She was a special child; she loved to sing and had an angelic voice. That is why this is all so disappointing and sad.”

It must be terribly disappointing to have a daughter who is a worldwide star – really quite bad. But mummy wasn’t finished there, and she went on with even more words falling out of her gob:

“Katy is not a homosexual but I fear she has been led astray by the Hollywood crowd. Katy was spotted by a music producer, who invited her to L.A. That’s when she started to change. I was worried she’d start doing drugs and drinking alcohol. I still am. I spoke to her only recently. She said, ‘Oh Mom, I’m not going to turn into Amy Winehouse.’”

We do think if Perry were to turn into Winehouse MKII that would be enough to test anybody’s faith, regardless of how devout they were. As we all know, Amy Winehouse is proof there is no God.

But Katy Perry wasn’t about to sit still listening to mother dearest’s apparent rampant claims, and quickly jumped to the defence of her parents. In an interview with MTV, Perry used some words – in a similar way to how her mother did:

“I’m sure they opt out of singing ‘I Kissed a Girl’ or ‘Ur So Gay’, but they’re singing along to every other song on the record. They’re just glad I’m not strung out, doing centrefolds and s**t like that.”

They’re probably not going to be made that much prouder by you swearing now, are they? Oh well, at least that clears that one up. A bit.

But what about the claims that Katy’s track UR So Gay is homophobic and I Kissed a Girl is patronising to the gay community?

Well, what better way to win over fans than to make a sweeping generalisation, in which you assert that all people of a certain sexual preference have exactly the same personalities? There isn’t a better way, it would seem, with Perry stating:

“I think gay people have a wonderful sense of humour.”

She did go on, mind, carrying on about UR So Gay:

“I think they’ll get it and embrace it. It’s an anthem for power of the people – for females, gays, exes, anybody who’s been broken up with that wants to get over a guy.”

Well – that clears that one up. And here we were hoping she’d stir up that bit more controversy to help fuel her career, seeing as that’s all it’s been going on so far.

It’s certainly not talent that’s been pushing it.

She may have officially become one of the world’s dullest people, not bothering to get into even the most minor of mishaps, but we’re still sticking with the girl.

Because we like Lindsay Lohan – how could we not? She’s given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage to spew. It’s hard to be really very mad at an old friend.

But it wouldn’t seem that hard for Lindsay’s ‘born-again Christian ex-convict of an absentee father’ (copyright Stuart Heritage 2008), Michael Lohan, to give up on his own flesh and blood for mere ‘religious’ reasons. Big Mike has decided he can’t walk his daughter down the aisle should her rumoured gay wedding come to fruition, as it would go against his born-again Christianity belief system.

You’ve got to love religion. Especially when it’s one that you’ve been turned on to about four minutes ago. Whereas your daughter has been around for most of her life. Can’t argue with the man’s priorities, we suppose.

Michael Lohan has said from the very beginning that he would be fine if young Lindsay were to come out publicly as a lesbian, though that is pretty much a given. When you have a daughter that whores herself off to every man in the world (give or take a few billion), gets boozed up on booze every two minutes and possibly has a sex tape where she’s all naked and stuff, well – there’s a lot he’s had to put up with through the years.

Plus we hear Christians are good at that forgiveness lark, so she’s onto a winner there.

But no, it would seem simply walking his daughter a few steps towards her wedding ceremony would prove too much for daddio. Talking to The Scoop, who happened to be listening for some reason, Michael said this collection of words:

“I haven’t heard anything [about an upcoming wedding] from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my Christian faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

But it’s not all doom and gloom from the big Negative Nancy, who still supports his daughter’s choices in life. Even if he acts like he doesn’t, then tries to put any family members or possible family members through the wringer for his own nefarious ways. Michael Lohan went on to say, most likely continuing by using his mouth:

“I want her to be happy and healthy and stay on the right path. If I discuss her relationship, I say that I want her to be happy.”

It would appear to be pretty clean cut and straightforward for once in the world of the Lohans – she is apparently having a gay wedding, he sees this as being against his beliefs so does not wish to be involved. Fair enough.

But when is he going to admit that the real reason he doesn’t want to walk Lindsay down the aisle is because of what is waiting at the end? Frankly, even hecklerspray would be afraid of the sight of Sam Ronson standing at the other side of a room, looking at you as you slowly approach. She’s even worse when she’s wearing those bloody hats – it’s downright menacing.

Hey kids, ever wondered why X Factor favourite Rhydian Roberts can't sing anything but churchy musical numbers without looking like he's secretly dying of awkwardness on the inside?

Turns out it's because Rhydian is a Christian. And a virgin. But not a gay one. Speaking to The Mirror today, 24-year-old Rhydian Roberts has confirmed the obvious and admitted that he's a virgin who won't have sex with anyone before marriage. But he definitely isn't gay, something proved by the way Rhydian regularly sees girls and thinks "Grr, I'd do her," before thinking a little more quietly "just as soon as I've formed a legally-binding tie with her in front of all my friends and family in a prohibitively expensive ceremony, and then promised to God that I'll never split up with her, ever." 

As our X Factor betting odds have pointed out almost from day one, Rhydian Roberts is going to win X Factor whether you like it or not. That's a little bit odd, because we thought X Factor was a show about finding a hot new popstar to make all the girls scream, not a show called Britain's Got The Next Obvious Presenter Of Harry Secombe's Highway.

But it isn't just Rhydian's powerhouse voice and startling preoccupation with Andrew Lloyd Webber that has got him noticed – it's also the way he acts. Without exception, you get the feeling that everyone who appeared on X Factor this year would wank off a dog if it meant them getting their own reality TV show on UKTV Micro Resistance Welding, but Rhydian's weird mixture of self-belief and jittery awkwardness have set him apart from the rest of the crowd. And now we know why.

Because he's a virgin.

We know, it's weird to think that a rugby-loving Welshman who wears sparkly suits and counts Phantom Of The Opera as his favourite ever song has never had sex, but that appears to be the case. Denying rumours that he's gay, Rhydian Roberts told The Mirror:

"That is not saying that I can't have fun with a lady. I love the company of women. I have been offered sex, like most men. But if you believe in something you can't compromise. But I am only human and you can fall short. At the moment, my priority is singing. I am not a closet Christian. If someone asks me about it, I will talk about it. I do pray on Saturdays but then I pray every day. But what will be will be, it's God's will and that is a great mental attitude to have."

Rhydian then confided:

"Once I am married, though, that's it – I'll be nuts-deep in rank sluts until the day I die. Booya!"

OK, he didn't say that. But there's a possibility that he was thinking it. We can tell.

Anyway, rather than harming his X Factor chances, we'd imagine that Rhydian's virgin confession has only helped to increase the likelihood of winning. The Great British public loves an outsider, you know – in recent years X Factor and Pop Idol has made stars out of stammerers, homosexuals, obese women, goat herders and ratty Scots with terrible hair who can't stop crying – and by proclaiming himself to be a Christian virgin, Rhydian has admitted being the biggest outsider of all.

So maybe Rhydian does deserve to win X Factor after all. At least that way we'll be better positioned to watch when he invariably slides off the rails in a whirlpool of girls and drugs and booze by Easter.

Read more:

X Factor Rhydian's a virgin – Mirror