Christian Bale - HecklerSpray

Meryl Streep is up for her Millionth Oscar! A Rundown of the Nominees

January 16th, 2014 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

What Beyonc? is to music, Meryl Streep is to film: the motherfucking Queen. So bow down, bitches, because Meryl just got nominated for the EIGHTEENTH time! Home girl has not only broken the nominations record, she’s shattered it, taken the broken pieces, melted them down, and had them made into an honorary Oscar for being the top bitch in Hollywood.

Do I think Meryl will pick up her fourth Oscar? No, probably not. Not that she doesn’t deserve it, because let’s face it, Meryl Streep could do a guest spot on Criminal Minds and it’d probably be Oscar worthy, but if they gave Meryl the Oscar every time she deserved it all other actresses would basically give up. That’s why they space out her Oscars, you know?

Goodbye Ovaries: Gosling, Bale, and Fassbender to Star in the Same Movie

November 5th, 2012 By Hillary Scales

Your eyes are not deceiving you. It’s true. ?Ryan Gosling,?Christian Bale, and Michael Fassbender are all set to star in a new Terrence Malick flick.

I haven’t seen Malick’s acclaimed film Tree of Life, but from the trailer I gathered that it?was about a family and pretty light shining through trees. His new project doesn’t have a title yet, but it’s currently filming in Texas. It’s supposedly about intersecting love triangles or something, but the plot doesn’t matter. All that matters right now is that three of the hottest dudes in Hollywood are starring in this movie. That’s right, we’ve hit the stone cold fox trifecta; Ryan Gosling, Christian Bale, and Michael Fassbender …all rolled into one.

While you attempt to assimilate this information, I’m going to give a quick run-down of why having these three fellas in one movie is recipe for a disaster; A delicious delicious disaster.

Christian Bale Stops Disgusting Tramps From Their Stinky Fighting

January 20th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Christian Bale is like a real life Batman, by which we mean, he’s a very wealthy man who can’t stop meddling in people’s business. First, he got bothered by some Chinese security while trying to visit some deaf bloke or something… and now, he’s mucking about with vagrants!

See, two tramps started having a scrap and Bale wasn’t having any of it!

Over Christmas (yeah, this is hot off the press!), the Batman star stepped in to break up a fight between two horrible pungent homeless men in California. Was he doing it for the good of those fighting? OF COURSE NOT.

Christian Bale Attacked By Chinese Government Goons… Well You Would Wouldn’t You?

December 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

What could be better than repeatedly smacking an A List celebrity about the head? It must be a great laugh! And that’s exactly what Chinese government-back guards did to Christian Bale when they saw his famous bonce.

They clearly couldn’t refuse the opportunity to beat Batman up. You can’t blame them really, can you?

Of course, the goons didn’t catch a bus to Bale’s house, especially to clobber him, rather, Bale was trying to visit a blind lawyer. Can’t get a decent lawyer in Hollywood Christian? What? This is some human rights issue or something?

Film Review: The Fighter

February 8th, 2011 By Si Sharp

In the genre of sport movies, the boxing movie is king, the undisputed champion. In fact nowhere are the recurring themes of sport movies more prevalent or integral. Boxing provides expression to the inarticulate, allows the underdog to achieve, invites relationship-fracturing obsession and is rife with politics- all essential ingredients of the genre.

David O Russell’s latest film does not shy away from these clich?s, it simply works within them as well as it possibly can.

Is this is a problem? Why should it be? Genre movies regularly achieve greatness. Westerns are strengthened by their confined narrative parameters so why not movies where the frontier is a pitch/ring/court?

Christian Bale v Mel Gibson: Virtual Phone Fight Off!

July 14th, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

Phones are such an integral part of our lives that scientists are currently trying to implant a phone inside a gerbil’s face.

Once those tests are complete, expect a generation of babies to already be switched on when it comes to communication. Forget Bluetooth handsets, Constant Understanding Nerve Technology will make crap signal reception a thing of the past.

When that happens, the telephone will be missed, not least because Christian Bale and Mel Gibson have provided us with moments that show it to be one of the best inventions ever. Angry, angry moments. And now, thanks to the wonders of technology, IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY’RE SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER!

Batman 3! It Exists! In 2012! Probably!

June 21st, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Batman 3 rumours are film’s vuvuzela – they’re so annoying that most people have stopped noticing them.

But forget rumours. This is something teetering dangerously towards fact. According to reports, Batman 3 – the follow-up to The Dark Knight that will definitely be directed by Christopher Nolan and will definitely star Cher as Catwoman and Johnny Depp AND Eddie Murphy as The Riddler (or something) – is set to be released on 20 July 2012.

That’s great news. Not only will Batman 3 be a nice warm-up for the Olympics, which begins a week later, but it also gives Christian Bale a good two years to practise losing his temper so that he can fulfil the historical tradition of looking like the universe’s most colossal bellend right before it gets released. Hooray!

Terminator Salvation – Blu-ray Review

August 5th, 2012 By David Scarborough

Thanks to some unfortunate incident called Charlie?s Angels, the regrettably named McG has been tarred with the same brush as his peers Brett Ratner and Uwe Boll.

In fact, his handle on the Terminator story turned out to be a surprisingly decent entry into the muscular Arnie franchise.

McG knew he had much to prove, this would be an Arnie-less sequel for a series he owned from the moment his naked buttocks walked in front of the lens. So, with Bale serving as the ?name? on the banner it may come as a surprise that he actually has far less to do here than expected.

Schwarzengger In Terminator Salvation? Nobody Knows, Or Cares

April 22nd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It had it all – a furious star, a nonsense story, an oddly-named director – but now Terminator Salvation has more.

That’s right – Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sort of. Even though it opens next month, Arnold Schwarzenegger still doesn’t know if he’ll be in Terminator Salvation or not. He might be, but only if producers insert footage from the first Terminator into the new film.

Which is rubbish. We want Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator Salvation in real life, perhaps as a demonstration of the time Skynet got drunk and made a murderous robot that looked like a fat old man for a laugh.

Watch The New Terminator Salvation Trailer

March 25th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

Hey kids, here?s the new Terminator Salvation trailer – and, though we hate ourselves for saying this, it looks pretty good.

But we warned, the trailer does give away some pretty important Terminator Salvation plot details – like the bit where Christian Bale realises that the only way to beat the invincible machine army it to loudly berate it for trashing his scene, mock the way it walks by screaming “AH DA DA DA DAH” at it and then inform it that he’s finished with it professionally. So, you know, watch it at your own peril.