10. The Vatican declare that alcoholic, obese, simpleton Homer Simpson is a ‘true Catholic’ – Telegraph

9. A cat in a stupid outfit eats a banana in a really noisy and disgusting way. You’ll still go “AWWW!”

8. Do you like sneering at people with rubbish clothes on? – PoorlyDressedPeopleOfTheWorld

7. The Fall’s Mark E. Smith makes everyone laugh by bottling Mumford & Sons – The Quietus

6. We’ve featured this blog before, but you need to be made aware of it again. The brilliant lies of… BillyBullshit

5. Nice news time! As it is Spirit Day (wear purple if you like) which raises awareness of homophobic bullying, the US Army announces that, at long last, they’re accepting openly gay soldiers into their ranks. If you’re going to be cynical about it, do it tomorrow. – The Guardian

4. A DVD is coming out which looks at the depraved world of video nasties and it looks ace! – Trailer

3. Want to see Katy Perry dressed up like a sexy cat? – AmyGrindhouse

2. Thief steals laptop, but in a weirdly nice move, returns all data on USB stick – The Escapist

1. Chris Morris’ ‘Four Lions’ is running a photobomb contest. Get ready to shout “Rubber dinghy rapids!” – Here

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Every now and then we like to catch a virus just to mix things up a bit and remind our immune system that it still has a role to play in our continuing existence.

To keep things interesting, given that it is summer; we decided to go with the common cold. As males we know how devastating this can be, with days of unrelenting torment and an extra 15 minutes added to getting up rituals spent futilely pumping enough drugs and various homeopathic remedies into our bodies until we feel we can connect with the outside world.

We decided to hold on to this condition even for the duration of the maiden episode of Charlie Brooker‘s new vehicle which broadcasts tonight on Channel 4. That’s how brave we are.

For the dwindling percentage of you who are unaware of who this burgeoning legend is, we shall spoil you with a quick biography. Charlie began as a writer for PC Zone, the best (and possibly only) PC gaming mag at the time. Via various other endeavours including a website called TVGoHome he ended up as a columnist for The Guardian with a TV review section called Screen Burn.

This and his similarly named BBC4 show Screenwipe sees him scouring the airwaves for poor television and pulling it apart with his incisive and merciless wit. However, unlike us lowlifes, he precludes himself from the “oh it’s easy to criticise but not so easy to do” whiny bollocks because he does actually craft TV programmes too. He co-wrote Nathan Barley with Chris Morris, and was the creator of E4′s Big-Brother-zombie-horror-mini-series Dead Set.

His new show, You Have Been Watching, is somewhat of a departure from the norm for him then as it’s a quiz/panel type show. Not entirely. As the title might suggest, Charlie and his guests watch clips from current television programmes and critique them, and occasionally they might answer questions on them. Charlie provides his trademark polemic voiceovers during the clips which are very much in the style of Screenwipe, so you can rest assured that he hasn’t strayed too far from home.

His guests on tonight’s show are Richard Herring, Jamelia, and Rufus Hound. Funnily enough, the show was originally scheduled to be pre-watershed, but unfortunately the low cut of Jamelia’s top pushed it right back to 10pm. She may strike one as an odd choice for a panel otherwise occupied by comedians, but the girl done good (she did ok).

Tonight’s episode is worth watching for the clips of Deadliest Warrior if nothing else, that and so you can find out what a ‘one show face’ is.

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During the propaganda videos issued to promote Live Aid 2: Twenty Years On From The First One, we were presented with lots of images with Bono. This imagery was extremely powerful.

Starring himself and a whole host of people who appeared solely to boost their ‘caring profile’, Bono told us that ‘every time I and my mates click their fingers, an African child will die’. There was, of course, a simple solution to this: stop bloody doing it – don’t abuse your weird powers.

Aside from his world-saving duties, Bono likes to occasionally rock out with a little known Irish band called U2. Though named after some awful text speak, critics are saying the band could someday be big, if Bono himself were to shut up telling everyone off all the time and dictating to us, the lowly public, what we should do in life to save the universe.

Thankfully some people want to stop Bono bleating on and have launched a petition to stop him. We’re not sure how they intend to stop him, but hopefully it won’t be by freezing him. This would, of course, leave the possibility open for him to be thawed out in 3000 years. Imagine the unfortunate luck for the poor sods then. And would Bono be able to operate a flying car?

Let’s face it: if God wanted the planet to be saved, he would have enlisted the help of someone by now. That someone would most likely be Captain Planet. Remember that bluey-green git? He probably made an appearance at your school when you were little, though you probably missed him due to being sick from evil smoke fumes. Failing that, you watched him on TV doing battle against smog from Middlesbrough, greenhouses gases and those plastic rings from beer cans that fish stupidly get caught in.

It would seem, however, that the time hasn’t yet arrived for a green haired bloke to save the world from warming up and making sure polar bears don’t fall in to the sea, or get loose on the Lost island.

So why has Bono decided to do Captain Planet’s job for him a bit prematurely? Well the answer is simple: when our young Irish lad was watching Cap’s cartoon, he somehow fell over and bumped his head, which clearly triggered some sort of mental illness, making him take on impossible tasks and annoy thousands upon millions of people. ‘Bonoitis’, possibly.

According to the NME, the catchy sounding petition “Bono – retire from public life and we’ll donate a ton of money to fight AIDS” has been launched on thepoint.com. The aim and objectives of this crusade are as follows:

“To get Bono to retire from public life (so he’ll stop leading misguided counter-productive philanthropy efforts) and, simultaneously to make a huge donation to fight AIDS.”

Ace – that’s a win for everyone then. Bono gets to bugger off and do some crap records, while at the same time bundles of money get thrown to AIDS charities. But is everything that easy? Of course it isn’t. Despite raising a small amount of cash so far, which is sure to grow, the money will only be donated depending on the success of the campaign. We’re presuming that ‘success’ is nothing less then actual retirement from the public eye for Bono.

Hmm… if it’s that easy to start online petitions then exciting and crazy thoughts are going through our heads. We’ll donate our weekly lunch money total to anyone who can persuade Chris Morris to come in from the wilderness and make us laugh again. Because lets face it, people like Lenny Henry make us want to cry and burn down Premier Travel Inns.

Sign The Petition If You Want:
Make Bono History