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Imagine being Gwyneth Paltrow. Awful isn’t it? All that self-serving hippie-dippy nonsense floating around your head telling you how wonderfully wonderful you are. All the while, Chris Martin gazes at you lovingly like a kindly priest longing after a crumpet.
BLECCH.
Never mind that though because we’re interested in pain! Paltrow’s pain specifically! So join us now in a game of WHO CHEATED ON GWYNETH PALTROW AND CAN YOU BLAME THEM?
You know what it’s like. You’re minding your own business, doing absolutely nothing wrong and then, KAPOW! Some awful Coldplay song barges into your subconscious while being used as an aspirational bit on some dreary television show.
It simply isn’t fair.
However, thanks to a singing intruder (there clearly should be more ‘singing intruders’… it needs to be a ‘thing’), Chris Martin now knows exactly what it is like for the rest of us poor, innocent, ear-having plebians.
Zane Lowe is an unbearably smug son of a turd and if you disagree with that statement then you’ll probably disagree with most of this article. Ever since the days when he was sitting on a badly green-screened couch, chumming up to the Foo Fighters, Lowe has maintained the air of a man whose every musical opinion is based not on a love of music, but on a love of his own opinions on music.
The Smug-Meister-General of BBC Radio 1′s musical output has a long-running tradition of forcing his opinions down the throats of his listeners by choosing a series of “Masterpiece” albums to play, in their entirety, during his show. Thankfully this only happens once a year.
However, things are different this time.
You’ve heard Coldplay right? Yeah, that’s the guys that make tepid, stadium-sized faeces, swarmed upon by tasteless flies who like vague lyrics that kinda sound aspirational or touching, but best not to dwell on it because that’s not why one goes to a Coldplay gig.
Basically, it’s music for the bone idle.
Disagree? Well, hear this, chumps: Even Chris Martin’s own children – those little oiks who he loves unreservedly and will support for the rest of their lives – don’t even like Coldplay. And Chris Martin knows that to try and force them would be folly.
Look at the picture. Really look at it, drink it in. Go on, keep looking.
Look at Bono singing his heart out, look at Chris Martin putting effort into his performance. Jesus, look at Gary Barlow, he’s brought along some water. And who’s that on the right? It’s Brandon Flowers. He’s a Mormon or something. Look at him. Keep looking at him. Now look at all of them. Keep looking. It’s amazing. Now look away. Now look back. Now away. And back. Away. Back. Away. Back. Away. Back. Away. Away. Ha! Gotcha!
Now be sick.
Some advance warning: Coldplay, the dreariest band in the entire world, might be about to get considerably drearier.
And it’s all Gwyneth Paltrow‘s fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday – or whatever – came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage to Chris Martin is ‘on a break’ and that she’s spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer.
Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let’s hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she’s inspired her husband to write over the years, it’d mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.
Say what you want about Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. While the majority of you may say “total twat†he does have one thing over a lot of people.
It’s not a scrawny wife or badly-named children – there are plenty of people like that across the country. Instead it’s a shed full of money that he’s made via creating music that wants to make you open the curtains and screaming out loud†hello world, how ya doing?†.
He may need a bigger shed to stash his money in as Coldplay have only gone and sold a bucketful of copies of their new album Viva La Veda. Maybe people have stopped downloading illegally, or the local Chinese man didn’t have any dodgy copies ready when we last saw him in the pub.
To flog records, you need to promote it. Chris Martin and the drummer stopped by to the Radio 4 show Front Row to do this. Only it didn’t go that smoothly.
We here at hecklerspray have a dream, and that dream includes two powerful fists, and shoes with spikes on the top & springs on the bottom. It's for jumping and jabbing. We're tough now, you see, and once we prove our manhood via physical combat in malls with random passer-bys, the Drudge Report might take us back.
It's just, It hasn't even called, you know?
Another person who's recently endured physical combat in the name of love, apparently, is Chris Martin. Gwyneth Paltrow just barely stayed in a hospital. When she was released a Papo said the wrong thing at the wrong time – then it was on!
There's even video…
