Well this came out of nowhere – apparently professional wrestlers can be a bit dim now and again.

Staggering, isn’t it? But famous WWE wrestler Chris Jericho and cripplingly anonymous WWE wrestler Gregory ‘Hurricane’ Helms are only too happy to prove that point for you. That’s why they’ve both been arrested in Kentucky for drunkenly fighting each other in the back of a taxi.

Real fighting, too – apparently Chris Jericho and Gregory ‘Hurricane’ Helms didn’t even strip down to their pants, shriek scripted insults at each other or trade poncey little pre-rehearsed slaps that they both reacted to in an unnecessarily exaggerated way. So, goodness, they must have been drunk.

To be a professional wrestler, it does without saying that you need three things – 1) a girl’s haircut, 2) a silly name and 3) a single-digit IQ. The latter explains a lot about wrestlers – whether it’s Hulk Hogan’s constant self-inflicted troubles or Chris Benoit doing something unspeakably awful to his family before killing himself.

And it probably explains why Chris Jericho and Gregory ‘Hurricane’ Helms got arrested for public intoxication following a punch-up in a taxi this week. Who are Chris Jericho and Gregory ‘Hurricane’ Helms? Glad you asked – Chris Jericho is a five-time WWE World Champion, nine-time Intercontinental Champion and the current Wrestler of The Year.

Gregory ‘Hurricane’ Helms, on the other hand, is a man whose name makes him sound like a listless middle-aged accountant. Also, we heard that the ‘Hurricane’ bit stems from his childhood, where he’d suffer from endless dizzying bouts of uncontrollable flatulence, so his wrestling nickname was always going to be either Hurricane or Corpse Arse. We made this bit up. Please don’t drunkenly attack us for it, Gregory.

But we digress. Chris Jericho and Gregory ‘Corpse Arse’ Helms were arrested on Wednesday in Kentucky. MTV has details:

Police were called because Jericho and Helms had been fighting in a cab, and quoted police as saying both were “extremely intoxicated.” Helms allegedly struck three people who were also in the cab, including Jericho, a man named Gary Kelley and a female passenger named Ashley Storer. According to police, he was not arrested for the alleged attacks because the victims have not pressed charges.

Luckily for Chris Jericho and Gregory ‘Hurricane’ Helms, they were later discharged from custody after paying a measly bond of $120 each. This leniency is undoubtedly a good thing – if they ended up in jail for the drunken squabbling, we’d be worried for them. Two grown men with girly hair and made-up names who dress up in tiny little knickers and roll around on the floor with other men for a living? Jesus, Chris Jericho and Gregory ‘Hurricane’ Helms may as well have just tattooed ‘Bum Me’ across their chests to save time.

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The last time Mickey Rourke put aside acting to focus on professional fighting, it ended as badly as you’d imagine.

It ended with Sylvester Stallone‘s Get Carter remake. Ugh. But Mickey Rourke isn’t a man who repeats his mistakes – apart from the mistake involving him having haphazard cosmetic surgery procedure done on his face. And that’s why Mickey Rourke has decided he’ll no longer fight at April’s Wrestlemania.

We’re appalled. Without Mickey Rourke, who at Wrestlemania will provide our fill of tragic, borderline-decrepit ageing beefcakes who essentially make their living as performing monkeys? All the other wrestlers? Oh.

Mickey Rourke is the king of bad ideas. Giving up acting at the height of his fame to become a largely rubbish professional boxer, apparently having all his plastic surgery performed by an angry gibbon with scalpels for hands, Another Nine 1/2 Weeks – these are not the actions of a man with a long-term goal.

And even now that Mickey Rourke is the toast of Hollywood after playing himself in the movie Look, It’s Mickey Rourke In A Blonde Wig, he still doesn’t seems to have given up his old addiction to bad ideas. That’s why he’ll soon be starring in the latest Sylvester Stallone film, why he’s officially become the face of amputated dog testicles, and why he’d been planning to have his face beaten into a concave plasticine pizza at this year’s Wrestlemania.

Earlier this week it was announced that, to pay tribute to those who inspired his role in The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke would be appearing at Wrestlemania this year, possibly by fighting Chris Jericho. And it would have been must-see entertainment, so long as your definition of ‘must-see’ involves an old man, two pairs of borderline-obscene lycra unitards, tens of thousands of rednecks and at least one career-threatening injury.

But now, we’re sad to report that Mickey Rourke has now backed out of Wrestlemania. Access Hollywood reports:

“Mickey was very honored to be asked as he has the greatest respect for WWE however he will not be participating in ‘Wrestlemania,’” the actor’s rep said in a statement to Access Hollywood. “He is focusing entirely on his acting career.”

This isn’t a huge surprise – if you saw this painfully awkward showdown between Mickey Rourke and Chris Jericho on Tuesday’s Larry King, you’ll know you may as well have spent three minutes watching a giant flashing sign reading ‘UNCOMFORTABLE SECOND THOUGHTS’…

Some are saying that Mickey Rourke is backing out of Wrestlemania because it would have been the quickest way for him to lose his Oscar. Playing a wrestler in a story that uncomfortably mirrors your own life is one thing – but actually being a wrestler for a night, without the opportunity to launch into a desperate tear-filled soliloquy at the end to show your emotional range? Piss off.

Would Sean Penn do that, huh? Would Sean Penn stand in the middle of an arena and have a chair smashed into his face by a seven-foot monster who’d been pumped full of steroids? No. No he bloody well wouldn’t.

Nice thought, though, isn’t it?

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Some would say that Mickey Rourke’s face looks like an uncooked hamburger patty that’s been trampled by a marching band.

But not us. We’d say that Mickey Rourke’s face doesn’t look enough like an uncooked hamburger patty that’s been trampled by a marching band. And we think Mickey Rourke agrees with us.

Why? Because it’s been hinted that Mickey Rourke – from The Wrestler, remember – will wrestle Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania in April. One-sided? Relax! After Wrestlemania there’s going to be a rematch to see who can sob the most incoherently on a beach, a bout that Rourke will easily win.

You know what there’s not enough of? Actors promoting their work by taking on the real-life job of the characters they play. It’d be great – George Clooney could market his return to ER by literally slicing a man open and fumbling around inside his guts until he yanks out what he assumes is a spleen, while Julia Roberts could have easily improved her Oscar chances for Pretty Woman by literally having grubby, meaningless sex with a string of lonely men for cash.

No, of course we’re just joking. Only an idiot would take on a job that they’ve only really done before for the sake of a movie. It’s probably the stupidest thing that anyone could ever do. It’s not just stupid, but arrogant too. So it’s a good job that actors aren’t either stupid or arrogant, isn’t it? Oh, hang on a minute…

We forgot about Mickey Rourke. The Wrestler has been good to Mickey Rourke – it’s established his position as an acting behemoth, plus it’s allowed him to take on other challenges as varied as being in Iron Man 2 and pleading with the public to smash off their pet’s testicles with a hammer. Or something.

And because of this, Mickey Rourke wants to give something back to the people that inspired his character in The Wrestler - the old, beaten-down, injury-ravaged former wrestlers who are all guaranteed to die tragically young in poverty-stricken agony. And it looks like Mickey Rourke is going to accomplish that by becoming one of them himself.

That’s right, as E! Online reports, Mickey Rourke is going to Wrestlemania:

“The nicest thing has been the whole wrestling community embracing us. The movie was about their world and so I think maybe I’m gonna do Wrestlemania in Houston. I had some dialogue with Vince McMahon and Ric Flair, Roddy Piper and all the rest of them and they’ve been really supportive… Chris Jericho, you better get in shape, because I’m coming after your ass.”

It might seem a little strange at first – The Wrestler carries an unsubtle anti-wrestling sentiment at times, so Mickey Rourke promoting it by appearing at Wrestlemania is a little like Reese Witherspoon promoting Rendition by kidnapping a stranger, flying him to Egypt and then booting him in the balls for eight months until he confesses to a crime he didn’t do.

But you know what? Good for Mickey Rourke. If he thinks his body is up to the rigours of professional wrestling, then all the best to him. And if worst comes to worst, it might take a doctor up to three minutes to remould his face. His skin is like Play-Doh, we heard.

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