After Sunday, the ice rink will be rolled up, the skates melted for ammunition and Holly Willoughby’s tits will be unscrewed and dry-frozen until next year. But you still have a chance to place a bet on the Dancing On Ice final. It’s easy to do, and it might be the most important move you ever make that’s based on a Sunday teatime ice-skating programme.

Who’ll win Sunday’s Dancing On Ice final? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Chris Fountain, with help from Paddy Power…

Chris Fountain - Chris Fountain is going to win Dancing On Ice. There, we said it. It’s obvious that Chris Fountain is going to win Dancing On Ice, though – everyone’s thought that since day one. And, although it’s easy to say that Chris is an irritating try-hard who couldn’t be more annoying if he came round your house and flicked bits of stinging nettle into your eye, the fact of the matter is that he’s a better skater than any of the others. And, although it’s easy to say that Chris Fountain is a knobmunch who looks as if he’d trample his granny to death for a second of attention, he has thrown more into his performances than any of his competitors. So Chris Fountain is going to win Dancing On Ice, but don’t actually bet on him. Look at these odds  – they’re hopelessly short. Instead, bet on Zaraah and then attack Chris Fountain’s leg with a crowbar five minutes before showtime.* Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 1/3

*Don’t actually do that, for Christ’s sake.

Next week: Honestly, not a clue. But it’ll be good. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

And with that realisation comes a dreadful sadness. Where will we get our celebrity ice skating kicks from without Dancing On Ice? Will we have to kidnap Greg Rusedski and force him to skate around for our amusement? Beg Holly Willoughby to show off as much of her tit as is legally acceptable on a Sunday teatime again? Pay to go and see the Dancing On Ice live tour? No, not that last one. We’re not mental.

Who’ll win Dancing On Ice on Sunday? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Chris Fountain, with betting odds from Paddy Power…

Chris Fountain – Right from day one, it’s been a stone cold certainty that Chris Fountain would make it to the Dancing On Ice final. He had skating experience, youth and – most of all – a genuinely preposterous lack of shame that meant he was completely comfortable with painting his face up like a fucking clown and jerking around on an ice rink like a toddler hopped up on E-numbers desperate for even a scrap of attention. That’s a combination that’d get him punched in the mouth if, say, he was in a pub, but on a rubbish reality TV show about ice skating, it seems to have done the trick. And Chris is going into the final buoyed up by his highest-ever score for Sunday’s routine to Livin La Vida Loca. Even though it was desperately unlikeable, creepy, oversincere and reinforced our belief that Chris Fountain is a bit of a cunt, it was fast and had a lot of stuff in it. That’s why he got such a good score, and that’s why he’ll win Dancing On Ice, more’s the pity. SCORE – 29 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 2/5

Tomorrow: Some other sort of Dancing On Ice betting odds, we’re sure. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

One Dancing On Ice contestant will be eliminated from the show at the last hurdle, never to quite make it to the grand final. Sure, they’ll have come fourth in Dancing On Ice, but don’t forget that it’s a competition where Greg Rusedski came fifth. Greg Rusedski! He was rubbish! But who will be eliminated from Dancing On Ice on Sunday?

Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Sunday’s elimination – for Chris Fountain, Suzanne Shaw, Gareth Gates and Zaraah Abrahams – with help from Paddy Power…

Chris Fountain – Chris Fountain won’t be eliminated on Sunday. He did a complicated jumpy-turning thing the other week, for christ’s sake, and that alone should keep him in. Plus he, um, skates around a table quite well. And wears stupid face make-up. Chris Fountain’s got it all. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 18/1

Suzanne Shaw – Suzanne Shaw is a far better bet for Dancing On Ice elimination. Not because she’s hopeless – as much as it pains us to admit it, she isn’t – but because she’s spent the last few weeks injuring herself in more and more spectacular ways. At this rate her kneecap will pop off halfway through her routine on Sunday and hit Skeletor Judge in the eye. That’s an instant disqualification, in which case you’ll be quids in. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1

Gareth Gates – Could this be the week where Gareth Gates’ luck runs out? Of course, we don’t mean ‘luck’ at all – we mean ‘genuinely frightening fanbase’. So far it’s voted Gareth Gates through time and time again even though he’s never really done anything particularly grand. Can it last? Do people really like Gareth Gates that much? Current Dancing on Ice betting odds – 7/2

Zaraah Abrahams - Obviously the favourite for Dancing On Ice elimination this week. Zaraah has faced the dance-off for about a month on the trot now, and there’s no chance that she’ll win the public over now that Greg Rusedski isn’t there to take all the abuse. In fact, we’re not even sure that it’s scientifically possible for Zaraah to get through to the Dancing On Ice final. And that’s speaking as people with a mediocre GSCE science grade that we got over a decade ago. Current Dancing On ice betting odds – 1/3

Next week – Betting for the final of Dancing On Ice! Yippee! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

The Dancing On Ice semi-finals are always an exciting time, though – it’s where the creme de la creme of celebrity ice-based dancing show off what they’ve learnt with one final push to get them into the final. It’s where we’ll bid farewell to the ice dancer who couldn’t quite make it. It’s where, oh who are we kidding, it’s where we can celebrate only having to watch one more episode of Dancing On Ice for another year.

But who’ll win Dancing On Ice this year? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Chris Fountain, with help from Paddy Power…

Chris Fountain – Oh, we bet Chris Fountain is just unbearable at the moment. On last week’s Dancing On Ice, Chris landed an axel jump – literally the most difficult jump that any human has ever even attempted since the dawn of mankind – and, since he was already a bit of a smug git beforehand, this is bound to make him just unbearable – although it has increased the chances of him attempting a move so difficult that he’ll trip and splinter his collar bone soon, which is encouraging to say the least. Not that it happened on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice, though – it’s particularly difficult to injure yourself when you have to dance around a table and a suitcase. Chris Fountain’s routine to Stuck In The Middle With You did all the things you’d expect it to – a suitcase lift, a suitcase piggyback, a sliding suitcase under a table thing – but it wasn’t up to Chris’ best. Despite this, Chris Fountain ended up with the best score of the night – again – so the Chris Fountain Smugness Roadshow gets to continue for yet another week. SCORE – 27 - Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 2/5

Tomorrow: Dancing on Ice eviction betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Which part of Holly Willoughby’s body is she going to let dangle out of her frock this time? She’s let her boobs and her back dangle out now, which by our reckoning only leaves her belly button and bumhole. What’s it going to be? Belly button or bumhole? Sadly, Paddy Power hasn’t got round to opening its Belly Button Or Bumhole betting market yet, so we’re just going to have to bleat on about that Hollyoaks goon instead.

Who’ll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Chris Fountain, with help from Paddy Power…

Chris Fountain – Chris Fountain is so far out in front to win Dancing On Ice that it beggars belief. Really the producers should just kick Dancing On Ice in the head now and give the trophy to Chris Fountain. It’d be the perfect win-win for everyone – Chris Fountain could use the trinket to validate his impossibly annoying existence and the rest of us wouldn’t have to watch Dancing On Ice any more. But, since that looks unlikely to happen, we’ll just have to put up with Chris Fountain’s usual schtick for a little while longer. In rehearsals for Sunday’s routine to Ain’t No Sunshine, Chris Fountain decided to do an axel jump – the hardest jump anyone’s ever attempted in the history of mankind. And Chris couldn’t land it, giving us the real hope that he’d land hard on his skull on live TV. But, no, with tiresome predictability, Chris pulled the jump off for the performance and everyone loves him a little bit more. We feel sick. SCORE – 27 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 1/2

Next week: you guessed it. More of this nonsense. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

But, ahead of Sunday’s new Dancing On Ice, do we have any clues about what the show will contain? No. No we don’t. If we did even the slightest amount of research beforehand then maybe we would, but we didn’t so we don’t. So instead we’ll just guess that Sunday’s Dancing On Ice is Scandinavian Death Metal Night and the required element involves kitten sacrifice. It’s probably right.

Who’ll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Gareth Gates and Chris Fountain, with help from Paddy Power…

Gareth Gates – If ever there was a reason to dislike Gareth Gates fans – apart from the fact that their taste in music is so bad that it’s beyond a joke – is that they’re keeping him as second-favourite to win Dancing On Ice even though he’s not really that good. Gareth Gates isn’t Backley bad, but he’s yet to pull a routine out of the bag that’s memorable for anything other than the sight of his nipples and the amount he sweats after he’s finished, either. This week, though, it all changed – Gareth Gates did a dance to I Get Around which contained, brilliantly, a lot of him spinning around. Get it? Huh? The Dancing On Ice judges did, and gave Gareth a ridiculously high score for it. Although that score might have been for the amount he sweated after the dance. Truly, the man is a galactic sweater. SCORE – 23 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 10/3

Chris Fountain - Bloody Chris Fountain. What a cocky, swaggering little tit he is. He’d be the easiest person in the universe to hate, were it not for the fact that he’s so far ahead of his Dancing On Ice rivals that they may as well just pack the show up now. Chris Fountain will win Dancing On Ice because the man has no shame. Most people, if asked to paint a rainbow across their face and do handstands on a slippery ice-rink, would tell you to piss off, but Chris is so desperate for attention that he’ll be wiping wax crayons across his eyes before you’d even finished the sentence. In rehearsal this week, Chris managed to drop his partner on her head, which we were hoping would dent his confidence a little. Not a chance – Chris danced to My Generation as if his life depended on it, as fast and enthusiastic as ever. And Chris Fountain even got the highest Dancing On Ice score of the night despite doing the rubbishest worm we’ve ever seen. Honestly, it was shit. SCORE - 24.5 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 1/2

Next week: Seriously, guess. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

And, sadly for all of us, our heart is fine. So what can we expect from Sunday’s new Dancing On Ice? Well, dancing. And ice. And tits. And bad music. And horrible make-up. And that, we’re pretty sure, covers it completely.

But who’s going to win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Chris Fountain, with help from Paddy Power…

Chris Fountain – We hate giving compliments to people at the best of times, so imagine how hard it is to compliment someone from Hollyoaks. For ice-skating, of all things. And yet we must – Chris Fountain’s routine to Timewarp last week was fairly outstanding. Not for the skating itself – we wouldn’t know a well-choreographed routine if it shat in our mouths, but just for the level of commitment that he showed. Would Steve Backley daub a rainbow across his face? No. And that’s why he won’t win Dancing On Ice. Similarly it’s also why we don’t want to punch Steve Backley in the face. But we do with Chris Fountain – everything he does is so smug that we spent the duration of his routine to Cry Me A River wishing that he’d fall on his face and smash up his self-satisfied teeth. All those cocky spins and bastard ‘look at me’ points almost made us cry. Chris Fountain will win Dancing On Ice, mark our words. And it’ll be heartbreaking. SCORE – 27 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 10/11

Next week: MORE! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Of course, now Aggie’s been voted off Dancing On Ice, there’s much less chance of any of the contestants falling onto the ice and slicking their own thumbs off, but don’t let that get you down – most of the remaining Dancing On Ice contestants are still so awful that at least one of them has to injure themselves horrifically. God forbid they all last the week in one piece – that’s missing the point completely.

Who’ll win Dancing On Ice? Here’s the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Chris Fountain, with help from Paddy Power…

Chris Fountain – Chris Fountain is the kind of kid who, if you went to school with him, you’d probably end up beating up for being such a smarmy try-hard. He was already on that horrible pro-am duet BBC reality show a couple of years ago, and now he’s on Dancing On Ice. We get the feeling that if there was ever a shiny-floored celebrity talent show about pulling turds out of toilets with your mouth, Chris Fountain would sign up for that, just because he’s a big nancy-faced show-off. And Sunday’s routine to Timewarp marked the pinnacle of his showy-offness, because it was so full of spins and twirls and jigging and wiggling that it was like watching an attention-starved toddler at work. But ha! We didn’t watch Chris’ routine at all, because we were too busy staring at his partner’s oddly-crimped hair and mouthing “What the hell?” to ourselves to notice. SCORE – 25 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 10/11

Next week: We’ll start this whole merry roundabout all over again. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.