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Chris Brown

Chris Brown Is Innocent Says, Um, Chris Brown

by Stuart Heritage

Relax everyone, the panic’s over – apparently Chris Brown didn’t bludgeon Rihanna with his fists like everyone thought.

He didn’t. And we’ve got this from an entirely reliable source, too – Chris Brown. And if Chris Brown pleaded not guilty in court – which he did yesterday – then he’s not guilty. We weren’t there that night – so the only people who know if Chris Brown attacked Rihanna are Chris Brown and Rihanna.

And since Rihanna was too busy panicking about all the blood sloshing around in her mouth or being unconscious or whatever, we only have Chris Brown’s word to go on.

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Chris Brown Plays Basketball! Near Some Girls! WE MUST BURN HIM!

by Stuart Heritage

If we were Chris Brown, we’d have locked ourselves in a dark room far away from everyone long, long ago.

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Rihanna Not Having It Off With The Twonk From The Hills

by Stuart Heritage

These are tough times for Rihanna – now that she’s dumped Chris Brown, there’s nobody left to punch her in the face.

But help may be at hand. Apparently Rihanna has been linked to Frankie Delgado from The Hills. It’s weird – Frankie doesn’t have a violent temper, a girl’s voice or ridiculous dentistry, so he’s definitely not Rihanna’s type.

Not that it matters, anyway, because Frankie Delgado has denied any romantic involvement with Rihanna. She’s probably holding out for Spencer Pratt – after all, going out with turds seems to be her thing, so she may as well shoot for the moon.

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There Might Be A Rihanna/ Chris Brown Sex Tape, Upsettingly

by Stuart Heritage

Upset when Octomom turned down her porno because you can only get off by watching horrifying things?

Then this is your lucky day! Apparently the one thing worse than seeing a tape of a new mother having sex with eight men for cash – a tape of Rihanna and Chris Brown having sex with each other – actually exists and could be put onto the internet at any point.

Appalling, sure, but at the least the Rihanna sex tape might show us what Rihanna can see in Chris Brown, because it can’t be his manners. Or his voice. Or his stupid face.

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Rihanna Splits With Chris Brown: Ladies, Form A Queue

by Stuart Heritage

Say what you will about Chris Brown, but nobody looks so adorable when they’re allegedly punching your face.

That’s why Rihanna is a fool. If reports are to be believed then Rihanna has decided to ‘take a break’ from Chris Brown, either because she’s embarrassed by the negative public reaction she’s currently getting, or because he allegedly choked her unconscious and threatened to kill her less than two months ago.

But Rihanna’s loss could be your gain – if you can throw carkeys through windows and absorb several blows with your face and skull, Chris Brown is waiting for your call.

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Rihanna Remakes The Bodyguard; World Has Giant Aneurysm

by Stuart Heritage

There’s no point wondering what the stupidest thing left for Rihanna to do is, because she’s already done it.

And the second-stupidest. And the third-stupidest. And the fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh-stupidest. But what’s the eighth-stupidest thing left for Rihanna to do? Why, star in a remake of a film about a woman who a man is trying to kill, of course.

Rihanna is reportedly going to star in a remake of The Bodyguard. Apparently she plans on hitting the high notes of I Will Always Love You by letting Chris Brown stomp on one of her hands. Who knew?

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Rihanna/ Chris Brown Duet Even More Mental Than You Thought

by Stuart Heritage

Eventually this moronic Rihanna and Chris Brown twaddle is going to make a brilliant made-for-TV movie.

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Chris Brown Chokes His Nick Nominations Unconscious

by Stuart Heritage

We’re sad to report that Chris Brown will no longer be taking part in the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards.

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Rihanna: It Was Chris Brown’s Manager’s Fault (Unless It Wasn’t)

by Stuart Heritage

The alleged Chris Brown/ Rihanna fight started with a booty text – OK, a confusing hatred of women and a booty text.

But who sent it? Some said it was Kim Kardashian, who liked Chris Brown because her bottom is large and dense enough to absorb most violent attacks. Some said it was Paris Hilton, because her catchphrase of “That’s hot” could easily be adapted if Chris Brown decided to attack her with a poker.

But apparently the woman who sent Chris Brown the booty text that enraged Rihanna so much was his manager Tina Davis, who’s – what’s the word? – old.

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StuFan#1: Thoughts From My Head Strait Into Yours (Head) Thro Your Eyes

by hecklerspray staff

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I just read about an old man called Chock and how he does all these of amazing things!

If you punch his beard it says it will punch your back!!! he can,t cry tears because of cancer **sadsadsad** And it says that his legs where on a episode of Lawandorder?????? Which (Lawandorder) happens be one of my favourite series’s of crime shows about american crimes happening in that city I think that it mayght be the one with people in it? I read in this week that one of an actor who use to be on Lawandorder is not now any more **sadbutnotasmuchasthecancerone**

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