Rihanna. She likes sex. We geddit. She really, really likes sex. Talking about sex. She likes that too. And having sex. In a bed. With no clothes on. And getting her boobies out.
Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.
Say it over and over out loud, and soon the word loses all meaning and breaks down, sounding like suh-eh-ck-ss or some other utter nonsense. However, that doesn’t stop Rihanna from ramming her sexual self down everyone’s throats until only the simple and pimpled remain caring. And now, we have some pictures of Rihanna with very few clothes on indeed… and y’know something? We’re really quite bored now.
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So, your ex beat the living shit out of you on the way to an awards ceremony. Just imagine. It’d take a helluva lot to forgive him right? Not if you’re Rihanna clearly. In fact, in the case of Rihanna and Chris Brown, no explanation is needed at all.
Even though the police report of the incident is one of the more harrowing things we’ve featured on these pages, it would appear we’re all just supposed to gloss over it. Everything is fine.
But that didn’t happen did it? Especially given that RiRi and Breezy (what is it with these infantile nicknames all the celebs have at the minute?) collaborated on some tunes recently. The closest thing we’re going to get to an explanation is Rihanna’s infuriating comments made this week.
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Bashar al-Assad, that’s a name that rolls of the tongue doesn’t it? Unsure who he is? Don’t worry; we don’t expect you to know. After all, he doesn’t host a TV series on archaeological digs, have a range of puddings out in middle class supermarkets or own a Premiership football club.
Therefore he’s effectively a figment of your imagination and not a concern to anyone. In Syria however, he’s a household name where he’s the president. Think Prime Minister David Cameron is a bit of dick with his policies? Compared to Bashar al-Assad, he’s a saint. At least Cameron doesn’t violently bludgeon peace protestors to death.
Whilst killing your own citizens is a grim subject that can’t be made funny with any comedy vajazzling, surely there’s something we can look at. Why would a man hurt his own people? Did he have a bad childhood? Even though we’ll never know the full reasons, his music collection won’t ever put Bashar al-Assad in a good mood. He’s allegedly a fan of annoyances like LMFAO and horse faced Leona Lewis.
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Will Young is a proper grown-up now. He does quirky pop-videos, works with Groove Armada and even appears on popular British politics shows like Question Time. And all that with a slight lisp! How tremendous.
Of course, no-one should ever really have a go at Will Young because he’s being fast-tracked to National Institution. Slating him is like kicking Stephen Fry in the balls. It’d be like stealing John Hurt’s dinner money. It’d be like upsetting Stonehenge.
Not that this stops Will from vaguely berating people in a kinda sweet, vaguely gathered way, and his target is Rihanna who, in fairness, anyone with any sense is thoroughly tired of her now. So what’s the beef?
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Rihanna: like her or loath her, everybody’s definitely a little bit bored of her. Look at her, out there releasing catchy pop records and constantly touring and performing. She’s living her dream but she’s doing right up in our faces.
Of course, catch pop records and flashing a bit too much skin at a prime time TV audience isn’t the reason that RiRi’s been in the news recently. She’s started collaborating with Chris Brown and by that we don’t mean that they’re both out roaming the streets of Hollywood trying to find women to beat up, we mean that she’s started making music with him.
Way to low-ball yourself professionally there, Rihanna.
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In a bid to show the world he’s a changed man, Chris Brown is keen to show us all just how much he’s grown after beating up Rihanna in a car 3 years ago. All that help he’s got with his anger issues has now totally gone.
Well.
That’s if you don’t include his spat with Good Morning America where he tried to throw furniture through a window… and that time he shouted “F*** YOU!” at everyone in the world… and the time he got involved in a row with a WWE wrestler… and now, the allegation that he went beserk at a woman, snatched her iPhone from her and promptly stole it. Other than that, he’s as calm as a sleeping barnacle.
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Shall we stop and consider the feelings for Chris Brown for a second? Poor Chris, even though the person he repeatedly punched in the face has forgiven him, the world can’t move on. But why’s everyone being so stubborn about the issue? Is everyone just being a dick?
Violence is not good in a situation and just causes more harm. But when it’s domestic abuse, things change dramatically. And it turns out that people aren’t cool with the idea of a man hitting a woman. Consequently Chris Brown hasn’t really received major seals of approval. Apart from Team Breezy of course, but their opinions don’t count.
Sending tweets to Chris Brown’s Twitter account won’t change anything and actually get him to apologise about the whole Rihanna incident. A few people and domestic abuse charities have spoken out against him. However, someone wants to genuinely teach Brown a lesson. Is it anyone rough and tough? Nope, just a scripted wrestler called CM Punk.
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People who claim to actually know Rihanna and Chris Brown are reportedly “terrified” that they’re going to get back together. Presumably because they think Ri is asking for a whupping and Breezy is cracking his knuckles in anticipation.
Meanwhile, all Rihanna has to say about it is “cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake” and if you don’t understand that joke, get to the foot of this article where you’ll find out.
So, despite absolutely no remorse from Brown and the pair guesting on each other’s songs recently, it looks pretty obvious that they’ll be romatically connected again soon, even if its only at the behest of the record companies who are thriving on all this (negative) attention. This leaves those close to the stars vomiting in anxiety.
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