The alleged Chris Brown/ Rihanna fight started with a booty text – OK, a confusing hatred of women and a booty text.

But who sent it? Some said it was Kim Kardashian, who liked Chris Brown because her bottom is large and dense enough to absorb most violent attacks. Some said it was Paris Hilton, because her catchphrase of “That’s hot” could easily be adapted if Chris Brown decided to attack her with a poker.

But apparently the woman who sent Chris Brown the booty text that enraged Rihanna so much was his manager Tina Davis, who’s – what’s the word? - old.

Slowly but surely – but mainly slowly – the pieces of this alleged fight between Rihanna and Chris Brown are coming together. Sure, we’ll hear all about of it in epic detail when the Rihanna/ Chris Brown duet He Choked Me Unconscious (It Felt Like Spooning) is released, but until then we’ll have to make do with what we’ve got.

So far, as per a detective’s affidavit, we’ve been told that Rihanna and Chris Brown were driving around in a rented Lamborghini when Chris Brown got a text message apparently asking for sex from another woman. Rihanna reacted badly to this, leading to Chris Brown variously slamming her head against a car window, punching her in the head until her mouth filled with blood, biting her on her hand and ear, threatening to kill her and choking her to the point of unconsciousness.

But who sent Chris Brown the text message in the first place? A celebrity friend? No. An overzealous fan? No. A funny-looking woman twice Chris Brown’s age who takes a percentage of his earnings for a living and has previously had a sexual relationship with him? No. Wait. Yes. Wait. Possibly.

Reports are now claiming that Chris Brown’s 39-year-old manager Tina Davis was the culprit, a claim denied by Tina’s father on the basis that she’s a good girl and by the rest of the world on the basis that she’s old enough to be his poxy mother and the whole thing’s so wrong that it makes us want to go and soak our genitals in bleach for a year. The New York Daily News reports:

Davis, who turns 40 this month, sent Brown the notorious three-page text that “talked about hooking up later,” celebrity news site TMZ.com reported, citing unnamed sources. A police affidavit says only that the text came from “a woman who Brown had a previous sexual relationship with.” An industry source described the message as a “booty call.”

So maybe that’s why Chris Brown allegedly beat up Rihanna so violently. It wasn’t because he discovered the text, or because he was jealous of Rihanna’s success, or because he’s so insecure in his masculinity that he has to address differences with women by lashing out at them, or even – and this one’s for you, illiterate hecklerspray commenters – because Rihanna is a skanky-ass ho with hundreds of STDs and a funny voice.

No. Chris Brown allegedly beat up Rihanna because he knew that she’d look more like a very old lady if her face was covered in welts and bruises, and old ladies is what turns Chris Brown on the most.

Bingo. Case closed.

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For an internet fad, Chris Brown’s alleged attack on Rihanna is rubbish – like, where are all the video mashups?

We have two good reasons why not. Firstly, on the scale of hilarity, an alleged domestic assault – even between a couple of mildly annoying pop stars – isn’t exactly David After Dentist, is it? Secondly, it’s hard to be funny about something when there are absolutely no details about it whatsoever.

Until now. A source claims that Chris Brown and Rihanna started to fight when Chris got a texted booty call. Which is ridiculous – who’d want to have sex with Chris Brown?

Celebrities just don’t have the mystique that they used to, do they? Look at Chris Brown and Rihanna, for instance – as global pop stars they should be the glamorous targets of our aspirations and envy, but instead it seems like they’re auditioning for a Jeremy Kyle episode entitled My Man Gone And Done Knocked Me About.

What’s more – following Chris Brown’s arrest on suspicion of domestic violence and Rihanna’s cooperation with police – the story’s just getting harder and harder to believe with every fresh scrap of information. Like, would Chris Brown really be stupid enough to attack Rihanna, knowing full well that it’d probably wreck his career forever?

And that’s assuming that a wet-faced git like Chris Brown is capable of violence, anyway. From what we’ve seen, the poor sap looks like he needs a complex system of pulleys and automated chisels just to break off a piece of toilet paper when he goes to the toilet because he’d probably atrophy his entire body if he tried it himself. And Chris Brown and Rihanna started fighting in his rented Lamborghini? What sort of monumental bellend rents a Lamborghini, for crying out loud?

But now we’ve got some details about exactly why the fight between Chris Brown and Rihanna apparently began, and it’s just as impossible to believe as ever. Apparently – get this – a woman exists who doesn’t find the thought of Chris Brown’s weedy little naked body wriggling around on top of her impossibly repulsive. The New York Daily News reports:

The explosive fight that landed sultry singer Rihanna in the hospital ignited when singer Chris Brown got a text message from another young woman, a source said. “He got a booty call. He got a text. Rihanna saw it and she got upset. They started to argue. She got out of the car. He wanted her to get back in, so he grabbed her,” the industry source said. “She pulled away. That’s when she’s told people he hit her.”

Now it all makes sense. Well, apart from the bit about Chris Brown getting a booty call, obviously – if we had to compile a list of all the things in the world in order of their desirability, we’d put ‘lying underneath Chris Brown watching his horrible contorted sweaty face bob up and down a couple of inches away from ours’ about 300 places below ‘being punched in the face by Chris Brown until we needed to go to hospital’. But that’s just us.

You should all probably make yourselves comfortable, by the way. We get the feeling we’ll be hearing about this one for weeks.

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