For quite some time we’ve suspected that underneath Rihanna’s clothes, she is completely naked.

We haven’t been able to prove it but we’ve been tossing and turning at night, well mainly tossing, deliberating over this issue and hoping one day we’d be in the position to shout from the rooftops of hecklerspray towers, ‘WE WERE RIGHT!!’

This is that day.

Yes, photographs of RiRi IN THE BALDY BUFF have been leaked online by an unknown source and she’s less than happy about it. We on the other hand couldn’t be more delighted.

It seems that before Chris Brown had that unfortunate mishap on Rihanna’s face, the loved-up couple were rather snap happy, texting each other pictures of their front bottoms in bathroom mirrors and just generally being a pair of walking hormones with expensive phones.

On her arrival in Barbados, friends alerted her to the unfortunate news by mobile phone.

Peachy bum said:

“I could barely stand. I went to the first bathroom I saw and just sat in the stall with the door open.”

“People kept coming in and staring at me sitting on the toilet bowl. I was mortified. I didn’t even want to leave the airport.”

Apparently these gifts from God were sent to Chris Brown by ‘accident’ and although the ENTIRE PLANET thinks he leaked them (not by accident) his completely clothed spokesperson said:

“This is both a false and defamatory statement.  Chris has not released or ‘leaked’ and photos of Rihanna, or anyone else for that matter”

Of course he hasn’t. That would be as mean as punching her in the face wouldn’t it?

Now off you go and look online for the photographs.

Perverts.

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Chris Brown’s been keeping quiet lately. Some might say that’s because he feels bad about the whole Rihanna thing.

Us? We think that Chris Brown is worried that if he opens his mouth his massive uncontrollable teeth will go wayward and decapitate a child or cause structural damage to a bridge or something. But whatever – Chris Brown has just broken his silence by appearing in a video telling everyone that he “ain’t a monster”.

It’s true. Just because he allegedly beat Rihanna to a pulp, it doesn’t make Chris Brown a monster. Monsters can fly and breathe fire and crap.

Chris Brown is like buses, isn’t he? You spend months and months reading endless stories about him, and then three more come along at once. Also, buses will try to choke you unconscious if you ever throw their car keys out of a window, so they’ve got that in common too.

But what are these three new Chris Brown stories? Let’s tackle them in order, shall we?

1 – CHRIS BROWN SAYS ALL BLOGS ARE LIARS

No, really, he did. Chris Brown has said that all blogs are liars in a new self-recorded video – the first thing that Chris Brown has said in public since he was recorded going “Wheeee!” on a jetski about four seconds after he allegedly beat Rihanna’s face inside out. Look, here’s the video…

Are all blogs liars? It’s hard to say. The evidence seems to be that we are, so long as your definition of ‘evidence’ is ‘the sight of Chris Brown’s comical-looking hype man saying the word “liars” three times in a row and then shout “YEAH!” right after Chris Brown has finished talking’. Which it should be, in fairness.

We’d argue that we’re not liars, in so much that we reported that Chris Brown publicly apologised for beating Rihanna up and then later denied beating Rihanna up under oath in court, and both of those things happened. Then again, we did once say that Britney Spears was sexy, and that’s plainly bullshit.

2 – CHRIS BROWN SAYS HE’S NOT A MONSTER

Again, there’s a video for this as well. Admittedly it’s a video that mostly wants to promote Chris Brown’s forthcoming album to his remaining fan – an illiterate 17-year-old girl who doesn’t even like Chris Brown that much any more but got a tattoo of him the day before he allegedly beat Rihanna up and can’t afford to get it lasered off – but that hardly matters. Look, more video…

So is Chris Brown a monster? We’re going to believe that he’s not, mainly because the same hype man as before pops up at the end and shouts “Beleey Dat!” like it’s his bloody catchphrase or something. Ultimately, though, it doesn’t matter, because ‘being a monster’ wasn’t one of Chris Brown’s charges. No, his charges were assault likely to cause great bodily injury and making criminal threats, two things which he markedly didn’t deny on the video. For some reason.

3 – CHRIS BROWN GETS SUED FOR BATTERY

No video for this one, sadly, but according to People:

Chris Brown is facing more legal trouble – this time from a man who claims he was beaten up by the singer’s bodyguard. Robert Rosen is suing Brown, 20, for personal injury, alleging he was roughed up… Rosen adds he was “severely injured and disabled, both internally and externally,” claims he was falsely imprisoned, and is seeking damages covering his medical bills and emotional distress.

If any of this actually happened, then let’s save the Chris Brown fans the trouble of responding in the comment section, shall we? If history is any indication you’re all going to write that it was Robert Rosen’s fault that he got beat up because he’s a skank and his voice sounds funny and he probably gave Chris Brown’s bodyguard an STD. Only, you know, with much worse spelling.

Now, no more Chris Brown news for a while please. We’ve got a headache.

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Chris Brown might wind up in jail for allegedly hitting Rihanna. And jail is the last place that Chris Brown needs to go.

Some sort of tooth-filing academy, yes. A night class that teaches you to write songs that aren’t drearily generic, yes. But jail? No. So he’s come across a cunning plan. Chris Brown wants to get his case dismissed thanks to that leaked picture of Rihanna’s busted-up face.

It’s genius, really. It means that if Chris Brown hadn’t allegedly beaten Rihanna up so much, he wouldn’t have a defence. Shoot for the moon, wife-beaters. Shoot for the moon.

In these troubled times of environmental catastrophe, financial meltdown and global pandemics, it’s nice to have something long-term and reliable to cling onto. You know, something long-term and reliable like the fact that this kerfuffle between Rihanna and Chris Brown is never going to end. Ever. It’s going to go on and on and on until everybody has either died of old age or killed themselves out of boredom. So that’s something.

That’s unless Chris Brown has got anything to do with it, of course. Because, since being arrested on suspicion of beating up Rihanna, Chris Brown has tried to put the whole affair behind him. Getting back with Rihanna didn’t help. Dicking around on jetskis didn’t help. Going an entire basketball game without punching any women in the face didn’t help. And now it’s time for Chris Brown’s last roll of the dice – he’s trying to get his case dismissed.

But not in a normal, subtle way that would endear him to anybody, you understand. Chris Brown is trying to get his case dismissed by using the very piece of evidence that looked most likely to convict him in the first place – that police photo of Rihanna’s bashed-up face.

Even though the photo of Rihanna – taken right after she was allegedly punched in the face several times, bitten and choked unconscious – marked the exact moment where even Chris Brown’s biggest fans crossed from ‘it didn’t happen’ to ‘well alright, maybe it did happen, but only because Rihanna is a skank’, Chris Brown’s attorney says that its leak to the media might make a jury biased against Chris Brown. MTV reports:

Mark Geragos, the attorney representing Chris Brown in his felony assault case, told reporters outside of a Los Angeles courthouse on Wednesday morning (April 29) that he wants the case dismissed entirely, due to high-level leaks in the investigation. “Leaks can form the basis for a motion to dismiss the case in regard to outrageous governmental misconduct,” Geragos said.

This leaves us in an interesting position – it effectively means that if Chris Brown didn’t allegedly do such a good job on Rihanna’s face, then there’d be nothing to leak and therefore no reason to try and get the case dismissed. Chris Brown’s alleged brutality might be the one thing that sets him free.

Will Chris Brown’s case be dismissed? Or will it plough on regardless? Honestly, whichever one means it’ll be over quickest, we’ll be fine with that. There’s only a finite number of big teeth jokes you can tell, you know.

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Giving a jetski to Chris Brown is like giving a hammer to a shark – it’s totally irrelevant, but it winds people up.

OK, not people. Just Usher. When Usher saw the photos of Chris Brown larking around on a jetski in Miami recently, he decided that Chris wasn’t showing an appropriate level of remorse and gave him a jolly good tongue-lashing. Now, though, Usher has decided to apologise for his outburst.

But more fool Usher – in actual fact Chris Brown was using the jetski to scout for mermaids he could punch in the face. Usher was right first time! The shame!

You know, this Chris Brown/ Rihanna thing was so close to being over. Everyone had done their bit to condemn Chris Brown for allegedly beating up Rihanna – Roseanne, the woman who’s suspiciously good friends with Oprah, the literate half of the internet, Ne-Yo – and the only names missing from the list were Usher, Zammo from Grange Hill and the “I want to do a poo at Paul’s house” kid from the air freshener advert. Once they’d all registered their condemnation, we’d have enough to throw Chris Brown in jail forever and move on with our lives.

And we were so close, too. Earlier this week, you may have seen photos of Chris Brown messing around on a jetski in Miami while apparently rekindling his relationship with Rihanna. While there’s a chance that Chris Brown was actually using the jetski to deliberately tear vast gashes into the hulls of ocean liners with his teeth, it’s more likely that he was just innocently having some fun. And this wouldn’t do for Usher at all, who was filmed saying the following about Chris Brown:

“I’m a little disappointed in this photo. After the other photo? C’mon, Chris. Have a little bit of remorse, man. The man’s on jet skis? Like, just relaxing in Miami?”

Brilliant. One condemnation registered from Usher. That just left Zammo and Poochild and then we could all go home. But – no, wait – Usher has decided to retract his statement, so we’re back at square one again. MTV reports:

“The comments made during a recent recording session amongst friends were taken out of context and blown out of proportion. I apologize on behalf of myself and my friends if anyone was offended. The intentions were not to pass judgment and we meant no harm. I respect and wish the best for all parties involved.”

We genuinely haven’t got a clue why Usher has decided to apologise for his statement about Chris Brown like this. Presumably it’s for one of the following reasons:

1 - Usher has realised that it’s impossible to look remorseful on a jetski, because he tried it once and the nearest he could get was a brief expression of constipated glee.

2 - Usher has realised that his comments could have made any future meetings with Chris Brown awkward, like if Usher accidentally walks into the branch McDonalds that Chris Brown was forced to start working in after everyone stopped buying his albums.

3 - Chris Brown paid Usher a little visit that helped to change his mind, if you know what we’re saying.

We’re saying that Chris Brown beat Usher up. On reflection this probably didn’t happen.

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If the Chris Brown/ Rihanna mess was a film – and it’s only a matter of time – then this is the act-two climax.

Act one was about the incident itself. Act three will potentially be about Chris Brown getting bummed in jail. And right now is the part where Chris Brown frantically tries to find a decent line of defence for allegedly beating Rihanna up. For the record, Chris Brown’s apparently planning on pleading self-defence.

And that strikes us as just monstrously dumb. Honestly, Chris Brown would have been better off pleading insanity. It’d be watertight – have you seen that moustache?

Now that we’ve had all the shocking revelations about Chris Brown and Rihanna that we can take – just yesterday we learnt that Rihanna may have been pregnant at the time of the incident, that Chris Brown may have used a flamethrower on Rihanna and that, for a short time, both of them turned into giant Power Rangers-style megazords and rampaged through LA leaving ruined buildings and crying orphans in their wake – it’s time to move on.

Specifically, it’s time to move on to Chris Brown’s court appearance. Although he’s yet to be charged with anything, Chris Brown is scheduled to appear in court next Thursday. And that means getting some sort of strategy in order, because lawyers and juries are notoriously more difficult to impress with a grin and some dance moves stolen from the Smooth Criminal video than a gaggle of borderline-illiterate teenage pop fans.

So what will Chris Brown do? Plead not guilty? That’ll be difficult because he’s already issued an apology. Plead guilty? What, and ruin his career? There’s just one thing for it – Chris Brown will need to enter a plea of self-defence. Which is something he’s seriously thinking about, as Digital Spy reports:

An insider close to Brown’s legal team told Life & Style that the singer is already preparing his position if charges are filed against him following his arrest. The source said: “Chris is already building his case. He’s saying she threw a phone at him, then hit him in the head and basically just lost it. He’s saying she attacked him.”

Well that might stand up in court, because we’ve all seen those photos of Chris Brown’s bruised fac… oh, wait, no – those were pictures of Rihanna’s bruised face, weren’t they? Our mistake – maybe Rihanna’s face only got so messed up because she wouldn’t stop headbutting him or something.

Anyway, if Chris Brown does decide to go down the self-defence route he’ll need to tread incredibly carefully – he’ll need to prove that Rihanna was angry enough to physically threaten him, while also trying to convince the jury.

And that all depends on who makes up the jury. If it’s a well-picked, intelligent cross-section of the community, Chris Brown could have his work cut out for him. On the other hand, if the jury is exclusively made up of hecklerspray commenters the he’ll probably just need to explain that he punched Rihanna because she’s got a funny voice and he’ll be let free and presented with the keys to the city.

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For an internet fad, Chris Brown’s alleged attack on Rihanna is rubbish – like, where are all the video mashups?

We have two good reasons why not. Firstly, on the scale of hilarity, an alleged domestic assault – even between a couple of mildly annoying pop stars – isn’t exactly David After Dentist, is it? Secondly, it’s hard to be funny about something when there are absolutely no details about it whatsoever.

Until now. A source claims that Chris Brown and Rihanna started to fight when Chris got a texted booty call. Which is ridiculous – who’d want to have sex with Chris Brown?

Celebrities just don’t have the mystique that they used to, do they? Look at Chris Brown and Rihanna, for instance – as global pop stars they should be the glamorous targets of our aspirations and envy, but instead it seems like they’re auditioning for a Jeremy Kyle episode entitled My Man Gone And Done Knocked Me About.

What’s more – following Chris Brown’s arrest on suspicion of domestic violence and Rihanna’s cooperation with police – the story’s just getting harder and harder to believe with every fresh scrap of information. Like, would Chris Brown really be stupid enough to attack Rihanna, knowing full well that it’d probably wreck his career forever?

And that’s assuming that a wet-faced git like Chris Brown is capable of violence, anyway. From what we’ve seen, the poor sap looks like he needs a complex system of pulleys and automated chisels just to break off a piece of toilet paper when he goes to the toilet because he’d probably atrophy his entire body if he tried it himself. And Chris Brown and Rihanna started fighting in his rented Lamborghini? What sort of monumental bellend rents a Lamborghini, for crying out loud?

But now we’ve got some details about exactly why the fight between Chris Brown and Rihanna apparently began, and it’s just as impossible to believe as ever. Apparently – get this – a woman exists who doesn’t find the thought of Chris Brown’s weedy little naked body wriggling around on top of her impossibly repulsive. The New York Daily News reports:

The explosive fight that landed sultry singer Rihanna in the hospital ignited when singer Chris Brown got a text message from another young woman, a source said. “He got a booty call. He got a text. Rihanna saw it and she got upset. They started to argue. She got out of the car. He wanted her to get back in, so he grabbed her,” the industry source said. “She pulled away. That’s when she’s told people he hit her.”

Now it all makes sense. Well, apart from the bit about Chris Brown getting a booty call, obviously – if we had to compile a list of all the things in the world in order of their desirability, we’d put ‘lying underneath Chris Brown watching his horrible contorted sweaty face bob up and down a couple of inches away from ours’ about 300 places below ‘being punched in the face by Chris Brown until we needed to go to hospital’. But that’s just us.

You should all probably make yourselves comfortable, by the way. We get the feeling we’ll be hearing about this one for weeks.

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